Something has come to my attention as I've been looking at the Calvin and Hobbes fan-fiction archive. A high percentage of the C&H authors are absolutely deluded. Essentially all of the stories in which Calvin has grown up, he has completely matured and is... retch... normal. So I have decided to make a realistic fan-fiction in which Calvin is an adult. Enjoy, read, review, and do not flame. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT!

P.S. I don't own anything I may mention.

Nineteen years doesn't seem like that much sometimes. But for Calvin, the past nineteen years had been a rollercoaster of fun, delinquency, boredom, delinquency, hard times, delinquency, cat burglary, and still more delinquency. And his only friend throughout all of this, the only thing he could rely on, was his tiger, Hobbes.

Even though he was a bit young to be wandering down Memory Lane, Calvin couldn't help but flip through his iPad's digital photo album.

"HEY, HOBBES!"

"Oh, how he cares..."

But Calvin was already absorbed in his memories.

MONTAGE- AGE SIX

A boy wearing a pith helmet, a red-and-black striped shirt, and sort of tan sneakers looked at his father and said, "So long, Pop, I'm off to check my tiger trap." Later the same boy, now revealed to have blond and spiky hair, looked on as a tiger walking on two legs stuffed his face and said, "Really, I couldn't eat another bite." Then, the same boy, only in winter clothes, pasted a brown-haired girl with a slushball.

In autumn, the boy (He was named Calvin, of course) yelled at the same girl, "Hey, Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is there a possum in your collar? I hope you have a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak!" and watched her running away crying. Then, a stupid-looking kid held Calvin up against a wall and said, "Gimme a quarter, Twinkie," and Calvin responded, "You must have serious social development problems if this is how you relate to people, Moe." Calvin threw a barrage of water balloons in the summer, and complained about having to shovel the driveway in winter. He made up crazy answers in school, and fantasized year-round. He played in the snow with his tiger, Hobbes, and complained, and complained, and complained.

"Ahhhhh, that was an amazing year. It was so long, and action-packed, and sometimes boring and stuff... It felt like 10 years, not 1. Oh, well. Hey, Hobbes, I'm in a reminiscing kind of mood. You want to discuss our lives up until this point?"

"Eh, why not?"

[Author's Note: When any characters discuss something, I just write it this way:

Calvin:

Hobbes:

Etc:

And actions are represented in italics or emoticons, e.g :( or -Calvin facepalmed-.

End Transmission]

Calvin: So, I've already had a memory montage about age 6, so let's start at age 7.

Hobbes: I remember that 1/3 of the way through your second year of 1st grade, you finally realized that you couldn't become rich, successful, and powerful if you didn't apply yourself at school.

C: So, I applied myself, and instantly became a straight-A+ student and I skipped forward to 2nd grade where I was supposed to be. Oh, and that was the year I built my all-purpose water balloon/snowball catapult.

H: Yeah, most people's pranks become more crude and juvenile as they get older. Yours became more sophisticated.

C: Then, I was skipped forward again to 3rd grade, and I had something new to do at recess: rub my success in Susie's face.

H: Oh, and you also made a super-sized mud launcher by connecting 20 mud-filled Super Soakers and mounting them on a wheeled platform.

C: Age 7... The year Stupendous Man actually won a battle with Babysitter Girl. So, then at age 8, I got skipped ahead again and was even farther ahead than I had been. Yeah, 5th grade... it was really fun. We had that dinosaur unit in science and I knew so much more about them than the teacher and the rest of the class, my teacher actually went temporarily insane and resigned.

H: Yeah, that new teacher really was cool. For that unit, didn't he have your class watch the entire Jurassic Park series for "educational purposes"?

C: Oh, yeah, and because I was so far ahead of the rest of the class in that unit, he also allowed me to have a fifteen-minute break every day during science to go rub my academic success in Susie's face. Also, when we went back to the Cretaceous Period that year, he actually believed that the pictures I brought were real, not like Dad that other time.

H: When you were 8, didn't you also make your Incredible Vandalism Tri-Pack for the science fair?

C: Oh yeah, my Dye Pack Grenades, my Chalk-Dust Puff Gun, and my Dye-Filled Balloon Bazooka. I also started working on high-school level math. Also, I think that was the year you mauled that cheeky squirrel.

H: That damn squirrel...

C: And at age 9, I started middle school. I seem to remember designing a fully viable space probe capable of traveling to the edge of the solar system in under a decade, and still having enough power to get back. I was unhappy at first, because Susie was still in elementary school, but then I remembered -he giggled evilly- our school teaches K-12! Mwahahaha!

H: You also joined the Association of Child Paleontologists, and organized a snowball fight in the lunchroom.

C: Oh, yeah, the Great Lunchroom Riot of '95, that was awesome! Oh, and I almost forgot, that was the year I made that mini green dye-bomb and hid it in the big pot of soup in the cafeteria. And when it blew up, It looked the the soup was rotten and explosive.

H: We also went to Pluto and had a long discussion with the Plutonians about the planet controversy. Hey, didn't you get skipped ahead again the next year, to be in the 8th grade at age 10?

C: Ha, yeah. When I was ten, didn't I build a fully functional tyrannosaur robot with every single point of articulation, full sensory capacity and an air-conditioned piloting chamber inside?

H: Oh, yeah, and 8th grade was the year of the First Great Hobbes Stuffed Animal Controversy, where your parents, teachers, peers, and seventeen guidance counselors tried to convince you I was a stuffed animal, and tear us apart, before they gave up.

C: Right, I got a trophy for how many counselors retired after trying to counsel me. Seventeen smashed the previous record of two set by Marvin Bickensteen in '78. And I also developed a colorless, odorless, non-toxic chemical that makes water taste like broccoli and turn peoples' mouths purple. Remember the Purple Mouth Broccoli Water Epidemic of '96?

H: I remember getting some of the powder on me before I had a swim. I was purple for a week.

C: Yeah, your after school pounce-and-mauls were twice as bad as normal for months. Then, age 11. My freshman year..."

FLASHBACK TIME!

Calvin's parents were getting into a heated debate about whether or not to allow Calvin to go to high school at age 11.

Calvin's Mom: There is absolutely no way we are letting Calvin go to high school. He's only 11!

Calvin's Dad: Can you believe we're having this conversation? 5 years ago we were trying to discuss how to get him to try harder in first grade. Also, we should let Calvin go to high school while he's still feeling academic. We may never have this chance again! Oh, and it will build character.

CM: Okay, first, stop it with references to character-building. But you are right. We may never have this chance again! So, Calvin's going to high school! -in a quieter voice- Besides, if he didn't go to school, he would just spend his days trashing the house.

C: I remember that I had a bad reputation before I even started. Stupid Rosalyn, posting pictures on the school website and newspaper saying "If you see this boy, don't be friends with him!" every year. Damn Ros...

H: Yeah, remember that senior who picked on you for bringing a "stuffed" animal to high school? Uh, John Crivmar? Didn't I maul him for that? He needed a bath.

C: Yeah, Tommy Chestnutt all over again. Didn't I make an automatic TP'er with paper that had micro dye-packs inside? I just fired it, and a house got TP'ed. Then when they tried to clean it up, bang! SPLOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHH!

H: Yeah, you took impermanent vandalism to a whole new level that year. I mean, it's awesome, there's the whoosh, bang, SPLOOSH!

C: Remember the Reality Blip when I was 12? The 137-day period between when puberty hit and when I reined in the mental effects of my hormones?

H: Yeah, you set a world record and gave yourself an intelligence-supercharge all at once. It's amazing what hormones can do when they're focused the right way. Would you like to watch the Reality Blip Montage DVD?

C: No, but I guess we have to.

Calvin got up, grabbed a DVD marked Highly Confidential: If Not Calvin or Hobbes, Watch at Your Own Risk of Being Mauled by a Tiger or Ruined Financially by an Uber-Rich Businessman.

The Reality Blip

-A series of words run down the screen over a background of Calvin's six-year-old face contorting in a series of gross expressions.-

It was a period of mystery. 137 days in which Calvin was a normal pubescent child. It seems impossible, but he fought and won against this new enemy. The events on this DVD may seem impossible, unthinkable, but they are all true. And they must never leave this room except in Calvin's and/or Hobbes' electronic devices, for they could be used for blackmail. This is a horrible chapter in the history of Calvin and the organization G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS).

[This is a short montage which I represent in this format.

Show BLANK

Switch to BLANK

Etc.]

Show Calvin burning the G.R.O.S.S. Handbook to a bewildered Hobbes.

Switch to Calvin drooling over a girl who, despite aging, is clearly Susie. Hobbes looks on, muttering, "All is not right in the world."

Switch to Calvin being courteous to Susie.

Switch to Calvin wrestling Hobbes to the dirt, screaming, "You want her to yourself, don't you?"

-The movie pauses and a message flashes across the screen.-

But all was not lost. Calvin was doing all he could to fight the hormones. Eventually, after an obscenely long time, Calvin won. And finally, all was right in the world.

Show Calvin hard at work at a computer, retyping the G.R.O.S.S. Manual.

Switch to Calvin sling-shooting a rapid-fire barrage of slush-filled water balloons at Susie from a massive rig with a half-inch thick rubber band, steel reinforcements, and an infrared laser-targeting system.

Switch to Calvin using his Super Bidectuple Mud Launcher on Susie.

Switch to Calvin using his Dye-Filled Balloon Bazooka on Susie and her friends.

Switch to Calvin awarding Hobbes and himself with G.R.O.S.S. badges and promotions.

C: I wish that 137-day period never happened, but it did. That was the best year ever for G.R.O.S.S. I didn't invent anything new, but high school science and every other class were all actually pretty fun. Well, except P.E.

H: No, didn't your class randomly choose someone to pick a unit for P.E. that year? I thought that was you!

C: Oh, yeah, the Calvinball unit!

-Calvin jumped up and started dancing and singing the Calvinball song:

"Other kids' games are all such a bore!

They've gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!

Calvinball is better by far!

It's never the same! It's always bizarre!

You don't need a team or a referee!

You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me!"

H: Yeah, Calvinball. And 10th grade was also the year that you first started getting other friends besides me. It was hard for you to find someone who had your sensory capabilities and could see me. But you did. Jim Dobson is a great guy, and even though he was 15 and you were 12, he could still see me!

C: Yeah... ahhhh... Then at age 13, I blew up the school.

H: Calvin, that was just a computer simulation program you wrote. That V-R suit you and Jim made was really awesome, and way ahead of you time. It was 1999, and you made a completely functional virtual reality suit!. In it, you turned the school, library, and Susie's house into piles of rubble with RPG-7's, mini-nukes, and a flamethrower. You could kill all of your vindictive 1st grade school workers: Miss Wormwood, Coach Lockjaw, and Principal Spittle.

C: Jim was awesome. I transmogrified him into a disgusting booger beast and he just laughed. I duplicated him like 10 times and he made 'em into an army of slaves. We went into the future and he snuck a pair of hoverskates home. No matter what happened, he stayed just as awesome.

H: And he even helped with all of the victories of G.R.O.S.S. and Stupendous Man's victories over Annoying Girl and Babysitter Girl.

C: Senior year of high school, age 14, wasn't I tall, like 5'8"? I was kinda buff too. And we added like 20 levels to the V.R. suit, including Nuke the Seven Wonders of the World and Shoot the Meat with an RPG. I graduated high school with straight A++'s and I was offered about 15 college scholarships.

H: I remember that your parents fainted when they saw all of the scholarship offers. Your dad actually used your virtual reality suit. The Most Lethal Character-Building Ever, if I remember correctly.

C: Yeah, that was awesome, seeing Dad flounder and flail like that. College was fun. Me and Jim went to the same college, actually. Harvard, in Massachusetts. Freshman year in college was really weird. I don't remember much about it.

H: Yeah, you had that accident with the Cerebral Enhance-o-tron first week of your sophomore year.

C: My entire freshman year is a blur... But I remember a couple things. You mauled like ten people because they criticized me bringing you. I studied astronomy, engineering, paleontology, chemistry, forensic science, psychology, and demolitions. Well, I didn't officially study demolitions.

H: I wondered what all those booms coming from your dorm were. Was that all simulated? It had to be. Right?

C: Uh... yeah, let's go with that. Six classes officially, one unofficial, good for me... Wait, Seven classes... Harvard actually put in a new program for me. Driver's Ed at a college... that's a novelty. I was 15...

H: And let's not forget the most important thing for me that happened that year. 2001 was the first year Harvard started letting tigers study there. Not only was I allowed to study my true passions (tackle football, physics, and biology), I met my wife there. Kate was so beautiful... she had all the things I look for in a tigress.

C: I know... Red hair, green eyes, a nice laugh, long whiskers, who you could call "Pooty Pie" or "Bitsy Pookums".

H: Oh, Kate... -Hobbes sighed-

C: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Then, in my sophomore year, there was that accident with the Cerebral Enhance-O-Tron. Even with that, I still was fine. Kept all of my grades up, got my driver's license. It was one of my favorite years of college. I had such a good scholarship, it even included $10,000 spare cash which I bought a car with. It was AWESOME!

H: Yeah... Didn't you start making your fortune by building that giant V-R suit mass-production device in your dorm room? Huh, that was one big machine. didn't it cost like...

C: Actually, nothing. I got the parts from the lab. It was the giant fighting robot arena that cost me money. It's natural to be be confused. And during various school breaks, I visited Susie, to lord over my academic success. I also visited Moe in juvenile detention. He flunked out of school at age 12 and did various stupid things. Each Christmas, I would visit him with a cake that said "You Have No Life, and Will Be In Jail Until You Die". That pretty much sums up my sophomore year.

TO BE CONTINUED

Yeah, I know, weak cliffhanger, but it doesn't need cliffhangers!

SPOILER ALERT: Calvin is a businessman/cat burglar.