Nikki

It was an accident the first time – it really was. I ate something too fast and it made me sick. It hurt – more than I thought it would, but the next day, when I ate breakfast, it occurred to me that it hadn't happened this time – because I was eating at a more normal speed. I was in control of something.

I've been back at work a couple of weeks now and I'm enjoying being back. I am. It's just that they're all very aware of why I was on leave and that I came back early, so they're all babying me. I'm not allowed to do anything 'on my own'. Don't get me wrong – I love working with Jack and I'm so happy that I survived Mexico, so I can still see and work with him – my best friend in the whole world. We're like to peas in a pod – double trouble.

I love working with Thomas. He's a sort of father figure – much like Leo was. They could both out-parent my late Dad's efforts any day. I have so much respect for Thomas – and I've learnt so much from him.

And then there's Clarissa. Well, she's just brilliant in every way – both with her mind, and her personality. I love the three of them to bits. I honestly wouldn't want to work with anyone else – but they're smothering me. At the moment, it's as stifling out here as it was in that box.

I have no control over anything. Sleep remains out of my reach – the unbroken kind, anyway, and I'm not in charge of anything at work. They're all constantly telling me what I can and can't do. I know they mean well – it's only because they care, and I daren't tell them to stop because I came so close to losing them.

Correction. They came so close to losing me.

But I can't live like this. I need some control back, because I'm suffocating – and the only thing I can control at the moment is when I go to the bathroom – and eating.

So one evening after another frustrating day at work, I'm staring at the ready meal I've just microwaved – I could have cooked something, but I was tired and fed up. To be honest, this ready meal doesn't look all that appetising and I think – why bother? I can decide not to eat it.

So I throw it in the bin.

The first few days are easy. I stick to fruit mainly – and a slice of bread if I'm feeling light-headed. I sometimes go to the canteen for lunch and I have a tea or coffee while I'm there so that it doesn't look odd. Other times, I stay in the office I share with Jack at lunchtime – but no one seems to notice that I don't eat much, with all the comings and goings. The comings and goings I'm not usually allowed to be a part of. Thomas has told me to take it easy. He's told me that I have to be mainly based at the centre for the present.

He hasn't asked – he's told me – and I miss going out on calls with Jack.

But on the bright side – Thomas and Jack don't suspect anything – they just assume I've eaten while they were out, so my secret is safe and I've still got control of something.

The hunger pangs disappear after a while and not eating becomes a habit. Fruit and the occasional slice of bread have become the norm, so instead my focus ends up on keeping my secret hidden – especially from my friends. I'm aware that it's not healthy – at least part of me is. The doctor in me knows it could be dangerous, but on the other hand, part of me thinks that I can handle it because I'm a doctor and I'm confident that it's under my control – which is what I want. It has to remain a secret though – because they wouldn't understand. They won't see it the way I do – they'll see it as a problem – and something else they can control.

Jack asks me around for a pizza one evening. It's something we did regularly before Mexico – and I've never said no to a pizza before – especially when he's buying. Maybe that's what started the alarm bells ringing for him, but then, he didn't question me, he just looked a bit surprised – so maybe he just thought I was having an 'off' day.

They certainly seemed to start watching me more closely at work after that though – especially when I had a dizzy spell in the lab – which I brushed off with 'I just up too fast'. I've lost weight too – which they seem to have noticed. Being thinner was never my goal, because I've always been perfectly happy with my weight, although, I can't deny that it was satisfying to lose some. They've taken to looking at me oddly – and much too closely for my liking, so I eat two sandwiches and a packet of crisps in front of them and they look satisfied – for now.

I suddenly feel so disgusted at myself for breaking protocol – because as far as I'm concerned, this is still about control. I ate for their benefit, not mine – and that was weak, so I excuse myself to go to the toilets. That was the first time I did it on purpose.

And the first time it occurred to me that I might have a problem.

Things are easier when I'm at home on my own. First thing in the morning and the evenings after work, I just stick to fruit - and bread if I need it. I can usually get away with it at work too – for the most part, so my visits to the toilet remain very occasional – thankfully, because it does hurt and I worry about rotting my teeth.

Things at work remain similar – though I'm occasionally allowed out on a call with Jack now. I think he swung that for me- sensing my growing need to escape the confines of the Lyell centre building. It's definitely helped – if I'm offered a biscuit with my coffee when we get back from a call out, I'm quite happy to accept it – and I enjoy it.

Other than that, things have carried on along the same lines as before – it's both frustrating and demoralising. The dizzy spells are becoming more frequent and I'm always exhausted. It's something I'm in no doubt that they've noticed. I hardly care now though. It's quickly becoming my mission in life to 'stick to my guns' with this – no matter what anyone else thinks. But it's dawned on me that I'm out of my depth.

It's another thing I've lost control of.