Fog
A/N: Post 2x05, this just sort of poured out of me after the show. Blame any mistakes on the late hour I wrote this.
Mac stood in front of Will, as he sat at the anchor desk. His eyes were slightly glassed over. He was looking in her direction, but she could tell he wasn't really seeing her. He had made it through the broadcast, but it was as if had depleted every last bit of steam he had within him. Mac knew without Will having to ask, what needed to happen next. In a soft, near whisper, she said his name. A quiet Will, that was filled with so much love and compassion that it said all that needed to be said. She walked around to him and turned his chair towards her. She took his hand firmly in hers. The touch spurned Will into action and he stood up with her. Mac knew exactly how bad off Will was because he let her hand stay clasped in his own hand without making a single comment about it. Oh and there was the fact that his father, with whom he had an extremely dreadful relationship with, had just died in the middle of his broadcast.
Will said nothing as they walked out of the room. Mac wanted to say a million things, but knew she needed to get Will into the relative privacy of his office before that happened. She already told Neal to make it clear that Will's office was off limits tonight. She couldn't do much for him, but Mac could make sure he wasn't on display for long. Will's vulnerability at that moment was so achingly clear to Mac. Will who normally hated to be seen as needing someone's help, especially her help, especially since she returned, was willingly letting her lead him in front of everyone one in the office. It was breaking her heart.
Once they were both inside his office, It seemed as if a little of the fog Will was under lifted. He shook free of Mac's hand and Mac let him go without protest. Will grabbed a bottle of bourbon from the corner of the room and poured himself a generous glass. He didn't offer Mac any, and Mac didn't ask. She just kept her eyes on him as he paced the length of his office and sipped on golden brown liquid in his tumbler. Mac stood still and waited for whatever was coming next. Knowing, instinctively that Will couldn't be lead anywhere. He needed to do, whatever he needed to do, to process the loss of his father. So no matter how much she wanted to jump in she wasn't going to. She was going to let him set the pace. Just when she thought the pace he was setting might lead to them being together in silence all night, Will began to speak.
"Mac, I don't want to do this, feel this, any of this. I don't want to go there. I don't want to see people. I don't want people's fucking condolences. None of that shit. And fuck I hear how selfish that sounds, but that man might have been my father, but he was also a real fucking bastard, Mac. And why the fuck did this happen?"
"I am so sorry, Billy. You're not selfish. You aren't, you're human. It's a lot to take in, to deal with. He was your father."
Will shook his head once at her, as if that alone was enough of a response. He refilled his now empty glass. As he poured, he stared right at Mac, giving her an I dare you to comment about this look, but she didn't take the bait. She wasn't here tonight to baby him. She was here to be whatever he needed. When he's finished off his second glass and quickly began his third, he spoke again. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Mac asked.
"For making you deal with this, with me, for not listening to you and calling him sooner."
"None of this is your fault. You don't need to be sorry, Will. You don't!"
"I should almost always listen to you, maybe I'd feel a little less shitty right now if I had listened tonight, but yet I fight you every step of the way. Wonder, why that is?" Will's voice was rough and bordering on despondent.
"Will, I think we both know why that is," Mac sadly whispered back.
"Oh yeah that," Will sarcastically responded, each bitter syllable a little knife to Mac's heart, "you know what, I'm fine, Mac. You should go home."
"Like hell I am. I'm here, Will… With you."
"I'm fine."
If Will wanted to sound reassuring he failed miserably. His voice cracked on the simple worlds, unbearably raw, and it was clear he was anything but fine.
All the plans of allowing Will to lead this night went out the window as Mac propelled her body forward, practically running across the room, in order to take him into her arms. He immediately returned the embrace pulling her in as close as possible. Will fiercely held on to her like she was the only thing keeping him vertical. Mac couldn't tell if Will was in tears, but if he was he was doing a good job of hiding it.
They stood, in the middle of his office, hugging each other tightly. Her head rested against his broad chest, her hands moving up and down his back, as he squeezed her close with a need she had never felt from him before. They stayed that way for minutes, maybe hours, possibly days, locked into each other as if they were a single entity, even now Mac couldn't really tell you how long it lasted.
However, Mac knew eventually that she felt the overwhelming need to see his face. She just really needed to look into Will's eyes. So she pulled away slightly and loosened her hold on him without releasing him. Will looked down at her face and Mac could see just a hint of moisture in his eyes. She was about to try and speak. Say any comforting thing she could think of, but just as her mouth opened, Will dove right in. His lips were on hers in a second, full and demanding. He muffled her attempt at speaking and used her open mouth to his advantage. His tongue probed in her mouth, seeking and possessing every bit it could reach. On instinct, she kissed back. The love of her life was kissing her for the first time in years and so of course she kissed him just as hungrily as he was kissing her. It had been so fucking long and he was so fucking good at this, so passionate, and so fucking Will. He tasted a little like smoke, and a lot like bourbon and the combination should have been foul, but instead she found overwhelmingly sexy.
The burning on her lips from the alcohol, finally reminded her of why Will was drinking in the first place. It was then that she knew that no matter how incredibly right kissing Will felt, what was happening between them right now was definitely wrong.
She pulled away and took a big step back, which ended their physical contact. They stared at each other with dumbstruck eyes, as their heavy breathing echoed throughout his office walls.
Will's father had just died. Will's father was dead. Mac knew Will just wasn't in the right frame of mind to make a choice like this, right now. If he was, he probably wouldn't have kissed her at all, and that was the problem. Somewhere deep down she knew if she let him continue, let him keep kissing her, let his hands keep wandering, let him use her to forget for a night with a melancholy fuck, he'd regret it. Regret her. And she had made a promise that she was never going to let Will regret her again. Once was earth shattering enough. She knew that if she kissed him again like she wanted to, it would be the final nail in their coffin, instead any kind of beginning for them. So she reluctantly said what she knew was best for him, best for them.
"Will, any other time. But God, we can't do this, not like this."
"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm going home."
And just like that any emotional vulnerability Will had shown was gone. Mac could almost see the thick red brick walls go up around him as he walked passed her to grab his coat and keys.
"Billy, wait," Mac breathed out right before he walked out the door.
"Thanks for everything Mac. I'm fine really," Will dismissed and left the office without looking back.
Will walked through the bullpen where a few scattered people remained. Mac followed him out of the office, but didn't try and stop him from leaving not wanting to make a scene.
Instead, Mac went to her own office. She grabbed her things and headed to the elevators. If Will McAvoy thought he'd seen the last of her tonight, he was very wrong. Whatever they were or weren't to each other, kiss or no kiss, she knew he needed a friend tonight and Mac was going to be that friend. She was going to do whatever she could to make sure he understood he was a loved man, no matter how difficult a task it was proving to be.