Author's Note: Set after The Woman Who Rides Like a Man (well, the scene in which Jon and Alanna get into a fight). Songfic to "Comatose" by Skillet. I own neither the characters nor the song. Enjoy—comments always welcome and enjoyed.

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of

Is you… I stirred restlessly in my bed, wishing these thoughts would go away. All I want is a bit of peace and quiet in my mind to sleep with, but sleep would not come. At least not relaxing sleep. Since I had been a fool and made the biggest mistake of my life, it had turned upside-down. I just wanted things to be okay. I didn't know how to make them be all right, though. I love you; that's all I know, but that's not enough.

I had been so stupid. I knew this, but I knew you… You would not forgive me. In your eyes I had been a presumptuous bastard, but really, truly… I meant you no harm. I had only assumed… And my assumption had cost me so much—most of all it had cost me the one thing that made me happier than anything else in the entire world. How I wished I could hold you tonight and make things okay; how I wished I could turn back time.


Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you

Before I realized it the nights were slowly turning into days, and still all I thought of was you. When I had meetings it was you on my mind; at balls when the ladies of the Court asked me to dance the only face in my mind was yours. And most of all at night, when I yearned to feel your warmth beside me…

I began to do things other than sleep. I could be found in the midnight hours at the practice courts, working myself into the ground until at last I could collapse, exhausted, into bed. Only then would peaceful sleep take me—only then could I escape the truth, the horror that I was an awful man, that I had ruined everything.


Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

Nights had turned into days, and days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and yet the pain did not go away. I could not even feel it easing. It still clenched my heart with an iron grip, squeezing it painfully tight. Even in my exhausted slumber every night I dreamt of you; replayed our last days together, and wished I hadn't been such a fool. Each dream ended the same. I made a stupid judgment, and you got angry with me. Instead of trying to work it out properly I'd let my own anger rule me and I'd turned my back on you. I didn't know how I was ever going to get better, or even if I could.

Each night I watched things happen the same way over and over. Each time I made a fool of myself and you turned your back on me. I wondered where you were now, and if you felt such pain. I almost wished you did… But somehow I knew that you didn't. You'd probably already forgotten about me, but would you ever forgive me?


I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
you take the pain I feel
waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

The months continued to drag on, and I still felt pain. With every beat my heart thumped painfully against the iron grip sorrow had on it. As hard as I tried to break free it was all I could do to spend my nights in the practice courts until I dropped from exhaustion, and then crawled into bed.

Sometimes I would dream that you had forgiven me, now, and those were the most painful of them all. Because in the morning it only made reality that much harsher that you had not forgiven me—that you had not even contacted me. I wondered fleetingly if you had contacted Gary and Raoul, but knew better than to ask. If you had I didn't think I wanted to know.

When the dreams were especially real I would wake up with you next to me, but somehow I always knew that it was a dream… It only hurt more when you said good morning and kissed me sweetly, though. I almost wished I could forget it was a dream just long enough to try and enjoy it. But then, did I?

I wanted you, I needed you…


I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

Before I knew it a year had gone by, yet this pain remained. All I could think of was the long days we had spent together—I even thought back to before I knew you were you. Any memory I could grasp, any thread I could hold… Yet I still knew you weren't coming back.

I tried everything to heal this wound. I began sleeping with as many Court ladies as would accompany me—which was most of them. This did not ease my pain. Their skin was so soft, so delicate; it only made me wish they were you. Yours was so different: rough, beaten, scarred, and battered… I would never find another woman with skin such as yours.

My dreams grew even more restless, even more vivid as I began to relive making love to you. I could feel your soft lips on mine, and see your beautiful violet eyes, filled with love, staring into my own eyes. You kissed me, and I let myself sink into it. You whispered sweet nothings in my ear, and you begged me to hold you close as we made love…

Breathing life

Waking up My eyes
Open up

You caressed my cheek with one finger, chewing on your lip while we made love—the sweetest expression you ever made. It was kind and gentle, and it made my heart flutter like a little boy's would with his first love, yet there was so much more between us. I folded my arms around you and pleaded with you, that it was all a mistake, and if you would only forgive me I would never do such a stupid thing again.

Your eyes were troubled as you watched me, but at last you kissed me sweetly, and I drank in the familiarity that your lips offered. You held your arms close around me and you kissed me thoroughly, and I felt the sense of longing in myself growing—I wanted you. Yet I was so afraid to move, so afraid I would step out of bounds only to lose you again…

I woke with a start, sweat dripping off my naked body as I stared into the empty darkness. You were still gone…


Don't leave me alone