Casus Belli

Personal Log
221203//beta

Why do I do this? Why do I come out of recharge each day? What is my purpose other than my assigned duties here at the Ark? What is my casus belli, my cause for war, the reason I continue to play my part in this titan's game of chess?

Is it honour? Duty? Debt? A simple wish to survive? I honestly do not know anymore.

I find it…unsettling…that I can no longer state with any conviction why I continue to perpetuate this war that has become the main focus of my life. This questioning of self will drive me to madness but it must be done. If I cannot provide sufficient reason to function in this capacity then I cannot continue in it.

So again I must ask myself- Why do I do this? Why do I go to war? Why do I risk my life, a thing that once given is gone for good?

Hope? No, such an emotion is frivolous at best, illogical. Do I do it for the thrill of battle? No. Although I am a warrior, this is not the reason why I went to war. For the Autobots? Perhaps in some sense I do, but that would be a shallow explanation. I cannot logically risk my life for such an abstract concept as 'the Autobots'. Then is it for these particular Autobots? I admit that I do feel some attachment for this motley crew, some I even dare to call friend. But would I risk my life for them? This is a troublesome question.

Some, I know without a doubt, are reckless enough to blithely throw themselves into harm's way to save one of our kind. Cliffjumper's leap into what should have killed him during that battle where Gear's circuit board was stolen certainly comes foremost to mind, along with the medical team's instinctive action to shield their patients no matter what comes their way. What also comes to mind is the Twins' seemingly suicidal habit of taking shots for each other, apparently in some strange game of tallied hits and estimated convalesce time.

But could I do that? Could I act in complete disregard to the logic of preserving one's own life and give it up so that another could live? I know I am no coward, I have gone back for someone or taken a shot for another, but each was a carefully calculated risk. I had an acceptable probability of being successful and surviving. Granted, there are times it has gone wrong, yet I have survived because I took a calculated risk.

I know that my skills are very important to the Autobot cause, to the survival of my kind, so logically I should not risk myself for a soldier like Bluestreak or Hound or any like them. Yet this concept so deeply disturbs me that I can and have. Why?

Perhaps….no, that's illogical.

But it is the only thing that makes sense…

This is completely illogical.

Yet it makes complete sense…

Oh bother.

What a perfectly logical illogical situation.

Some time ago, we were returning from a battle in Arizona when our convoy passed a small church. Beside it was a billboard that read 'There is no greater love than a man who will lay down his life for another'. I remember it struck quite a chord with me, and from the reactions of the others who saw it, it struck a chord with them too.

But, taking everything into consideration, does this mean that the reason why I and others risk our lives for each other, and why we continue to roll out to battle and risk our lives for each other, is love?

Has our situation forged such a bond?

Am I truly capable of such love?

It shouldn't be possible…yet it appears to be the only explanation. Love is one of the emotions strong enough to override logic, love for another appears to be a driving force behind risking oneself for them, be it the love of family, love resulting in a profound attachment to one's kind, or romantic love. How… peculiar.

At this time it appears that love for my kind drives me into battle, that it is my casus belli, my cause for war.

Yet this logic is perfectly illogical.

This is something that I must investigate further.

//end log