Author's Note: Hi there! This is a long time coming. My name is John, and I've been writing fanfiction for a decade now.

The following is a short introduction I wrote recently to accompany the re-publication of ten or so fanfics from earlier in my fanfic-writing career. These fics were popular with some friends of mine who wanted them available again, and I sat on it for a long while. The next "chapter" will contain more details, including disclaimers and an index with summaries of each fic. The fics will be re-uploaded as I can reread and add commentary on them.

Please, leave a review if you read, and keep criticism constructive. Thank you!

South Park Unleashed

"In The Valley of the Authors"

(Re-Release Introduction)

by John

As the time rolled on during yet another boring lesson at South Park Elementary, the children of the fourth grade class sat at their desks, trying to carefully arrange their bodies in the way that either best prevented them from losing consciousness, or at least minimized the risk of being caught asleep during the lesson. For many, it didn't matter if they were taking notes absent-mindedly, doodled nonsense, or just held a hand to their cheek - anything that kept them awake and at least gave the false impression of attention was satisfactory.

"All right class, so as you can see, this is why sometimes when re-publishing their work, an author might add a crappy new introduction." Mr. Herbert Garrison said, turning away from the chalkboard and towards his students. A bald man in his mid-forties with large squared glasses, wearing a green collared shirt and dark green khakis with a belt, Garrison shrugged, "Now, are there any questions before we go to recess?" A hand went up, "Not you Clyde."

The bell rang loudly, and the kids jumped out of their seats suddenly energized by the sound, and they disappeared out the door without notice. "Finally!" Cartman exclaimed, jumping out of his seat, "Sah-crew you guys, I am going home!" he rushed out the door.

"Been a while since he's said that." Stan shrugged, looking at Kyle as they left their seat more calmly, "He must be really excited about the new Terrance and Phillip tonight."

Kyle took out his cell phone as they moved towards the classroom door, "I'm pretty sure we'll all excited, dude. I mean, can you imagine Phillip's Dad as Prime Minister of Canada? That'll be huge, and it'll give them a lot of oppurtunities for some meta humor at their own expense."

"Totally, dude, it's going to be fucking great." Kenny poked in, not appreciating the finer details of story and character development like his friends, "Think they'll have the hot Queef Sister in this one?"

"No w-way, they're really out of f-f-fo-f-f-focus this season." Jimmy told him as he shut the door behind them, leaving only one student in the room behind them.

As Garrison sat down and got comfy at his desk with a nice Harlequin romance novel, a grin spreading across his face as he re-immersed himself in Ariana's latest sexy affair when he saw a student approaching his desk. "Mr. Garrison, can I talk to you?" asked Butters Stotch innocently, pounding his little fists together. Butters was a nervous boy with a puff of blonde hair, usually wearing a bright blue jacket.

"Oh, well, uh, sure, Butters, I guess." Garrison put his Harlequin book down and pretended to be something of a professional, folding his hands together, clearing his throat, "What can I do for you?"

"Well, it's just that... I've been thinkin' about my writing career again..." Butters explained, taking a seat by the desk, "It's been a while now since my last book, and I was thinkin' maybe enough time's passed, and that I've matured enough as a writer, I could write something even better than that old thing I wrote before!"

"That's great, Butters." Garrison smiled, but it faded in an instant, "Now, what the hell does any of this have to do with me?"

"Aren't you an award-winnin' author, Mr. Garrison?" Butters asked, "I was thinkin' maybe talkin' to someone who knows so much about writing could give me some inspiration!"

Garrison froze a bit, "Me? Oh heavens no, Butters, that was a while ago." he dismissed with an awkward smile, trying to laugh it off, "That's all in the past now."

"B-but Teacher, you're an award-winning, best-selling author! That's somethin' you should be proud of! Aren't your parents proud?"

"Let's just say..." Garrison sighed, looking at the floor, "They're managing."

xXx

Mr. Garrison, Sr. stood on a crowded city bus in Arkansas, the balding sweater-clad man in his seventies letting out a long yawn, "Did I tell you guys my son wrote 'In the Valley of the Penises'?"

The entire bus collectively sighed, "Are we ever going to stop hearing about it?"

Mr. Garrison, Sr. had a smug grin, "I'm just saying, my son won last year's Gay Pulitzer Prize. He's really made something of himself."

"Here we go again..." a woman rolled her eyes and gripped her handbang.

xXx

"I don't understand, Mr. Garrison, you should be proud! Why don't you want to talk about writing?" Butters asked, "Is it because my last book sold so well in Japan? Maybe I can help you with a publishing deal-"

"N-no, Butters, it's not that." Mr. Garrison sighed and got out of his chair, approaching the window, "I... gave up on being on author. I let that dream go a long time ago." he looked out the window as his students played in the snow, seeming to weirdly dominate the landscape despite being one of a dozen classrooms in the Elementary School. Stan smiled and pushed Wendy on a swing as she giggled. Some things never change, he thought. "You have to understand, Butters. I didn't write for fame and glory."

"N-no, but you wanted to make a bunch of money, right?" Butters questioned.

Garrison noticed Cartman and Kyle arguing over a football, shouting in each other's faces. He shook his head, "Well, yeah, duh, but that's different." he shook his head, "Look, there's a lot of reasons I had to quit. People took my work and turned it into something that wasn't me. I didn't set out to write the next Great American Homo-erotic Novel, you know. Diana was supposed to be a lesbian for Christ's sake!"

"Well, sure, but I don't even remember writing my novel, and look what happened. My work means so much to so many different people for t-totally different reasons!" Butters explained, "That's important, too. Beauty being in the eye of the beholder and stuff."

Garrison shrugged it off, "Look Butters, that was a while ago now. I used to be a weirdo who pretended to be all nice while venting his frustrations and latent homosexuality through puppets. That's all behind me." he shook his head.

"So?" Butters tilted his head.

Garrison turned to face him, "So? The point is that material isn't me. I know it seems like it's only been a short time, but I'm a different person now. I don't believe in the same things I believed when I wrote that stuff. I've learned new things, about the world and about me. At this point, it's just embarassing to look back on, and frankly, I could do ten times better now. Do you understand?"

"I-I think so..." Butters raised an eyebrow, rubbing his chin as he thought.

"Good, now go enjoy your recess." Garrison shrugged and sat back down at his desk, taking out a sticky note to write a short to-do list down, figuring all was said and done with.

"Teacher, I think people can understand that stuff is old, but that doesn't mean you should be ashamed of it." Butters told him, "Your book was a real inspiration to some people, you know. My dad read it and h-he said he really connected with it, like nothing else he'd ever read in his whole life."

Garrison raised an eyebrow, "You don't say, huh?" Something to remember about Mr. Stotch at the next conference... 'Stephen = Gay' he quickly jotted down. He was already pretty sure, but there was no doubting it now.

"Look, maybe it's not the best thing you've ever written, but you're gonna write a lot of other stuff, and if you're good at it, you'll always be getting better, so some day, everything you ever wrote is gonna seem real awful, even stuff you're proud of right now." Butters suggested, "That's part of the beauty of it. You grow with everything you write!"

"Maybe you're right." Garrison considered, pushing his glasses back up his nose, and sipping from his coffee mug, "Look, I appreciate the thought, Butters, but I'm happy teaching you kids every morning. This is where I belong. Not writin' steamy romance novels or inventin' stupid devices or tryin' to run for president. I'm already where I belong. The point is, I learned a lesson and I will never do anything as stupid as that again."

Butters got out of his chair, "Well, okay then, Teacher, I appreciate all the help. I think you gave me an idea for my next book anyway!" he smiled.

"And what would that be?" Garrison asked quizically as he took his notes.

"Well, I'm gonna call it... The Pee That Took a Poo!" Butters smiled at him eagerly.

Garrison sighed and sank down in his seat, rubbing his forehead in a dramatic facepalm, "...oh Jesus Christ."

The End

After everything I write, I like to list out the continuity, trivia, and references... it's an old tradition I can't train myself completely away from.

Continuity/Trivia

Mr. Garrison ignoring Clyde is, of course, a callback to Bigger, Longer & Uncut... and not a particularly clever one.

Phillip's Dad running for Prime Minister of Canada is a reference to Mr. Garrison's campaign for President of the United States in the 19th and 20th seasons.

Garrison wrote and published In The Valley of the Penises during the season 4 episode "Cherokee Hair Tampons". Diana was one of his characters.

We last saw Mr. Garrison, Sr. in season 3's "World Wide Recorder Concert".

Butters' writing career, meanwhile, is all from season 14's "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs".

Butters' Dad has been suggested to be attracted to men in multiple episodes, most notably "Butters' Very Own Episode".

Garrison showed a talent for inventing in season 5's "The Entity" and ran a presidential campaign, as mentioned, in the 19th and 20th seasons.

Pop Culture References

There were none in this chapter. :)