All the Pieces of Me
A/N: Buck and Ike have a much-needed late night chat. And to keep you warm, and it's FREEZING where I am, there's even some sweet and steamy smut! Enjoy. ;)
Lou murmured in her sleep and rolled onto her side, snoring softly. I chuffed a quiet laugh at the sound; pregnancy had made many changes in her but she flatly refused to believe it now made her snore.
"That's your job, Buck Cross - why, you snore enough for the two of us! Don't try to make me believe I'm pickin' up your bad habits!" she had grumbled, gathering up dirty clothing from the previous day before heading downstairs. I had wrapped my arms around her and kissed her on the mouth, ignoring her initial protests and holding her tighter until she gave into the kiss. The laundry made a rumpled heap atop our stockinged feet.
I sat up in bed with a sigh. I'd wanted to take Lou back to bed and love her until lunchtime but just then our stomachs had both rumbled loudly. She had burst into giggles and thrown a dirty stocking at me. "Later" she'd whispered in my ear, making my heart race and my manhood bulge.
Well, later had come - and gone. Now I was so wide awake my eyes fairly burned in the dark. I didn't have the heart to wake Lou on purpose or otherwise so I eased out of the bed and leaned down to gently press a kiss to her warm cheek. A tiny smile graced her lips and she snuggled deeper into the pillows. My heart welled up with love at the sight of the tiny, feisty woman who had married me and professed to love me. I still couldn't quite believe it.
I pulled the bedroom door closed behind me. At the top of the stairs I paused and listened; all was quiet save for the soft whistling of the wind blowing the snow around outside. I could see the faint glow of a lamp coming from the kitchen and smiled. It seemed Ike couldn't sleep either.
I tiptoed down the front stairs to find Ike, still wearing his work trousers and longjohns, seated on the braided rug in front of the fireplace. He nodded in greeting and leaned forward to place a large chunk of oak atop the fire. A shower of sparks flew upward as the bark caught, flames painting his face orange and gold. *There's tea in the pot on the stove* he signed. *And I saved you the last of the cookies*
"Sounds like you were expecting me" I said quietly but with a grin. Ike returned the grin.
*I heard you tossing and turning. And I knew you wouldn't want to wake Lou* The lines of his face changed to an expression of concern. *You haven't been sleeping much lately*
Had that come from anyone but Ike or Lou, I would have given a defensive reply. But Ike knew me far too well to deserve anything but the truth. I sighed and poured myself a cup of the still-hot tea and joined him on the floor. We sat in a companionable silence for several moments before I spoke.
"I haven't been sleeping...I'm afraid to go to sleep."
As soon as the words left my mouth I wished I could have taken them back. But I couldn't, and Ike was kind enough to not say anything right away. I sipped away at my tea, hands wrapped around the warm tin cup. I stared at the floorboards, trying to gather the courage to explain what I'd meant, but I felt Ike looking at me so I looked at him.
*You're worried about Lou...and the baby* he stated. I set the tin cup down on the worn red and blue rug and hooked my arms around my knees.
"I am" I said quietly, glad he had guessed what was on my mind. "It's been such a wretched time for Lou...having to be so sick every day for weeks on end...the doc making her stay in bed until it passed...wondering - " I swallowed hard to rid my throat of the lump suddenly growing there, "wondering if what happened last time - will happen again..."
Damn. Tears began to course down my face and I inwardly cursed myself for being weak. I swiped angrily at my cheeks and drew a deep breath to steady myself. Ike waited patiently for me to continue.
"Last time - when I came to my senses and came back home Lou and I talked. She agreed with me that maybe losing the baby wasn't all Camille's fault. That it could've happened anyway. And that we'd never know for sure what would have happened, that we're never told that." I felt the old anger, pain, and sorrow welling up. "What if it happens again? Lou - she doesn't deserve that! She deserves better! She deserves - "
I cut myself off before I blurted out the rest. Ike closed his eyes and shook his head. *No* he signed vehemently.
"What?" I questioned irritably. Ike gave his hearty laugh with a smile and I felt like hitting him. I stared at the floor, my anger building by the second, and he sighed.
*Buck* he began. *No - you pay attention to me! Don't you dare turn away from me!* I could see Ike's anger threatening to boil over and I restrained myself from speaking too hastily. He glared at me.
*You are good enough for Lou! She doesn't deserve better than you because there is no one better than you! * I gaped at him while he ranted. *You - * he jabbed a finger into my chest so hard it hurt. *You are all she's ever wanted! She is all you've ever wanted! Yes, she told me that herself! You're afraid you'll let her down and that you won't be a good father to your son when he comes! Who do you think you are? You're not the first man to feel that way and you won't be the last. I know, because I've been in your shoes, Buck Cross!*
I had never seen Ike so angry, not even when he'd punched me in the eye for running out on Lou after the miscarriage. My shoulders crumpled and I bowed my head, ashamed.
"I can't let them down, Ike" I whispered. I cast a fleeting glance at him; his eyes were filled with sorrow and compassion. "I let them down last time. I can't do that again..."
Ike's strong hand squeezed my shoulder. *It's out of your control, Buck* he signed. *Lou is taking good care of herself. And you're taking good care of Lou. That's - all you can do. The rest of it isn't up to us*
I nodded; I did know that even if I didn't like it. "What was it like for you, Ike?" I asked, feeling more steady.
He laughed and shook his head, remembering. *Emily was terrible! She shooed me away any time I tried to help her - and at the end? We all practically had to lock her in the bedroom to make her rest! I wouldn't even - you know* and he blushed bright red. I chuckled in spite of myself. *I was deathly afraid of hurting her or the baby. But one night she pinned me down and had her way with me*
I snorted and Ike, beet red, punched me in the arm. *They both were all right* he said, face sheepish.
"No harm done" I agreed. Ike got up then and brought over the last of the cookies. I took one and gobbled it down hungrily. Beside me Ike did the same.
"I guess they really are all right" I said at length. Ike nodded in agreement. "But what if - "
*You're not a good enough father?* Ike asked bluntly. I nodded.
*Buck. You and Lou - you love each other no matter how broken and flawed you are. Right?*
He knew the answer to that already. *Your son, and the rest of your children, are the last piece that's missing. You'll see* Standing, he picked up our cups and put them in the sink. I stood and put a last chunk of wood on the fire.
"It's late." I grinned at Ike; he grinned at me. "We should probably get some sleep." We quietly made our way upstairs.
I closed the door and tiptoed over to the bed, hoping I hadn't woken Lou. To my surprise she was awake - and appeared to be naked underneath the blankets. "I thought you'd never get here" she whispered in my ear, running her tongue along the edge. I made a kind of strangled moan and she smiled mischievously. She tugged at my arm and I fell down beside her on the bed. My manhood threatened to burst its way out of the longjohn bottoms I was wearing. This, of course, didn't escape Lou's notice.
"I hope this is for me" she whispered, nimble fingers making short work of the buttons. " 'Cause I sure have missed y'all." Lou had my manhood freed in a matter of seconds and grasped it in her small warm hand. I forced my eyes to stay open so I could watch as her hand began to move along my length, slowly up and slowly down. Damn, she knew exactly what she was doing to me, the little vixen! When her hand began to squeeze as she stroked I growled appreciatively; she gave a sly smile and regarded me from half-closed eyes.
"Ah'm feelin better these days" she whispered, giggling as I jumped when she nipped my earlobe. "In fact, Ah'm feelin downright - frisky, ya might say." She leaned over and kissed the purple head of my wua; I felt like I'd died and gone to the land behind the sun. "You like?"
I was her slave, completely at her mercy - and that was just fine with me. "Oh Great Spirit, yes" I managed to croak. "Nah mahyehn - I am yours, only yours. Love me."
I wiggled my legs and feet free of the long underwear and stretched out onto my back. Lou crawled up beside me end straddled my thighs; I gazed up at her, so beautiful with her shining mane of hair just grazing the tips of her fuller breasts, and my hands spanned her waist. She rose to her knees and placed me at the opening of her womanhood. As she sank down onto me we both sighed and our eyes locked.
"Aim own p'ayle doe day, nah ah-kxee-day" she murmured, eyes shining in the dim light. She held me inside her moist warmth as she moved with the grace of the doe in flight, more beautiful and precious to me now than ever before. She took my hands and placed them on the tiny swell of her abdomen.
And my heart was full; she had taken all the pieces of me and put them together as one, as I had her. The child growing inside her was the final piece that completed us, now and forever. Together we moved, together we breathed, and we held each other as we reached the pinnacle of the sun.
As our breathing slowed again and we began to slip into sleep, Ike's words came back to me - and I thanked the powers of the world for his priceless wisdom. He knew as well as anyone that nothing in life was certain and that anything could happen, but faith and love were all we had that we could ever count on.
I put my arms around Lou, resting my hands on her stomach. "You all right, Buck?" she murmured sleepily.
"Yes, nah mahyehn" I whispered into her soft hair.
I knew that I, too, would join her in sleep.
A/N: This is my first attempt at writing anything in quite a while! I thought it would be fun to tell a tale from Buck's POV - he is so sweet, and patient too. I hope it didn't come across as too preachy - I tried hard to steer away from that genre. In any case, do let me know what you think. And it's SO good to be back with all of you gals. I missed you! ML ;)