I've had this fic idea for a while now, and I've finally started it. The song I've used is what gave me the idea, and it is 'Hello Heartache' by 'Avril Lavigne'.
Re-edited: 14/11/14
Spring had finally arrived, slowly thawing out the previously harsh weather, and spreading happiness and warmth throughout the city. Unfortunately, those feelings could not reach one blonde man. This man is currently in Shanks' Bar, putting on a smile, and greeting the lovely ladies he passes as he makes his way to the stage. Not even the bright shades of purple and blue, or the friendly atmosphere can bring a genuine smile to man's face.
As he reaches the stage, he stands to the side, and waits for the band before him to finish their performance. Taking one last look around the bar, his eyes scan over the large stage and sparkling white dance floor which is packed with people. At the round tables which are scattered around, all of the red cushioned seats are filled with people who are drinking and laughing together, and the bar area is to his right is busy as usual and is glistening under the dim lights.
His gaze comes to a halt when he spots his nakama crowded around one of the larger tables near the bar. Watching them happily chatting away, he feels like he's an outsider and that he doesn't belong, like he's a burden for those he loves.
A strong grip on his shoulder pulls him out of his daze and he looks up to the grinning red-haired man who is now standing next to him.
"Good luck tonight Sanji, not that you need it."
"Thank you Shanks. Now hurry up back to that bar. You have customers to serve, and Luffy is defiling the peanut bowl with his grubby hands."
He watches in amusement as Shanks's eyes go wide, before the man runs off, and tries to wrestle the bowl out of Luffy's grip.
Chuckling, Sanji turns his attention back to the stage. Fixing his suit, he waits patiently and quickly scans over the song lyrics in his mind.
He loves working here. Every Tuesday and Thursday night, he performs on this stage, singing out to the crowd. That moment with Shanks earlier had become a routine. Sanji feels like he owes a lot to that man. If it wasn't for him, he would have no job, no money, and no apartment.
A few years ago he started working here as a performer and Sanji enjoys it as much as he does cooking, and so he would take nights off from working in the Baratie, his step father Zeff's restaurant, and come here instead. Even though he loved every minute he worked at the Baratie, nothing makes him feel more alive than singing on stage in front of a crowd. His favourite part of performing is the adrenaline rush he feels, as well as seeing people enjoy the live music.
Now, Sanji also works here as a barman. Shanks had offered him the second job when the blonde man's life changed drastically.
Glancing back at the Strawhats, his nakama, they seem to be in their own little world. Chatting happily and drinking with one another- well those who were old enough. The crew are unaware that he, their cook, is taking in his surroundings one last time, mentally saying goodbye to them.
Although singing on stage had managed to cheer him up before, this time is different. Instead of the warmth and gleefulness, all he feels right now is heartache and misery. Sanji never thought he would be doing this. But he was, and it was making him feel nauseous.
Anxiously he fiddles with an envelope in his trouser pocket. Remembering by heart, he goes over the words in his head. These are the final words to his captain. He wishes he could say them to Luffy in person, however, he knows the boy would only try to stop him, and Sanji believes that what he is doing right now is for the best.
He is leaving this city, his crew, and he is leaving the person he loves.
Thinking back over his recent memories, Sanji instantly gets lost in his thoughts.
Two years ago, a fire broke out in Zeff's restaurant, which was also their home. The Baratie had burnt down, taking along one of his passions, the place he felt safe from the world, his childhood, and Zeff.
This event triggered the darkness of his heart, left him to slowly and agonisingly spiral down into the depths of depression. Yes, he did find a new suitable place to live, and yes, he still had his friends and his job at Shanks' bar, but once that darkness fully got a hold on him, it wouldn't let go.
Sanji spent months, near a year, shutting himself off from the world. He'd spend his days torturing himself, and listening to the demons in his head which had now gained full control over his thoughts.
During this time he'd stopped eating, he simply lost his appetite and found no joy in cooking. Sanji stopped taking care of himself. He couldn't summon up the energy to wash, change, clean the apartment, or even get out of bed some days. He wished that the fire had taken him too, or at least him instead of Zeff.
His nakama were oblivious. They had agreed to leave him alone for a while, thinking that it was a good idea to give him some space. When they eventually turned up at his place, they were shocked and instantly regretted their actions.
The Sanji they saw, was not the one they knew. He looked worn out, with dark circles under his eyes. The blonde's eyes were bloodshot, and the amount of weight he'd lost petrified them. What didn't help was how bare the cupboards were or how the kitchen looked untouched.
From there, his nakama took turns in visiting, checking up on his health, providing fresh groceries, trying to cheer him up, and making sure he ate. In time, Sanji smiled a bit more during their visits and things were getting back to normal. Or so it seemed.
The blonde ate more around them, and he slowly gained weight. However, they were again oblivious to what was really going on. He did feel a bit better when his nakama visited, but once they left, it felt like they were never there to begin with.
A few short months brought about another major event. In comparison to the fire, the event was small, however its changes made him realise something that was always there for him, or in this case, someone.
These changes occurred slowly, making him question his past actions. It started with small smiles and getting the feeling that he mattered to someone. This lead to him looking forward to a certain person's visits and left him feeling elated for hours after they left. What puzzled him at the time was that this was happening with a green haired idiot called Zoro.
Zoro didn't treat him like the others would, always being wary around him. No, the man treated him like he always did, insulting him and starting their fights. And somehow this worked. The marimo's visits became more and more frequent, and Sanji found himself constantly thinking of Zoro when the man wasn't there.
When he would look back over the memories they had together, he'd pinpoint the times when his assumptions of the moss-head had changed, when he had noticed the little things about the other, and when he slowly changed his working schedule to fit around bringing Zoro food for lunch and dinner.
Eventually, he realised that he had fallen in love. He obviously denied it at first. How could he fall in love with someone who irritated him and fought with him all the time? Why Zoro?
Sanji would question why he constantly felt the need to aggravate the swordsman, and why gaining the others attention made him feel accomplished. He also questioned why now? Why did it take him this long to realise? Or was it just that his mind was tricking him into thinking that he needed love and that Zoro was the one? Is it just that he is overlooking the man's kindness and twisting it into something it's not?
Eventually he decided that it didn't matter when, where or how it became love. It was love, and that was the only thing that mattered. And he finally accepted his feelings for Zoro.
When a year had passed by, Sanji's nakama were fed up with him locking himself away, and dragged him along on their group nights out again. It was around this time that Shank's had offered him the bar keeping job (along with his old job back) and Sanji finally noticed what was going on around him, and not just his pessimistic thoughts and feelings, or Zoro. He suddenly became aware of how much he was hurting his nakama.
He felt like he was a burden to them, and that he was wasting their time when they should be focussing on looking after themselves. And so Sanji threw himself back into work, putting on a smile, flirting with the ladies, and acting like his usual self.
Although for a while that proved to be difficult as he couldn't remember how he used to be. Once he figured it out, he fully played the part, swooning over the women more than usual, losing his temper over the little things more quickly, and initiating more of his fights with Zoro.
The crew thought that he was getting better. And it wasn't long before they believed he was. But they were wrong. He had just gotten better at hiding his true feelings, and pretending that everything was okay now.
Sanji had, and still has, each and every one of them fooled.
He did try to work things out on his own, be around his nakama more, and Zoro always managed to cheer him up. However, as soon as he was alone and back home in his apartment, he felt like the world was crashing down on him. That it was squeezing out every last bit of energy and happiness in him he had left. The negative thoughts kept swirling around in his head, leaving room for nothing else.
This was why four months ago he decided to leave. To start a new life in the hope of moving on from this and in the hope that he could get over his feelings for the other man. He had to. Not just for himself but for Zoro too. He couldn't live like this anymore. He didn't want to worry or burden his nakama again. And he couldn't tell the marimo how he felt about him. He didn't want to lose his friendship with him over it.
And besides, Zoro has Kuina.
Sanji is brought back from his thoughts and into his surroundings as the crowd cheers and applauds the previous act. As the band leaves, Sanji makes his way up onto the stage. His chosen song, for this final night, is relevant to his current situation.
He stumbled upon the song a few weeks ago, and once he heard it for the first time, it just wouldn't leave his mind. To him it was perfect. It seemed so accurate to his feelings, that he just could not bring himself to sing any other song for his final night. He just hoped that he could carry the song off well enough for the lovely angel he heard it sung by.
As soon as he reaches the mic-stand, the crowd cheers, and the backing track starts to play on the speakers. Sanji breathes in and out slowly to calm his nerves, then, he closes his eyes and starts to sing.
"You were perfect. I was unpredictable. It was more than worth it. But not too sensible. Young and foolish. Seemed to be the way. And I was stupid. To think that I could stay. Oh oh. To think that I could stay."
Opening his eyes, he subtly glances over to his nakama. As usual, they are chatting amongst themselves. As he starts to sing the chorus, he focuses his gaze on Zoro. The moss-head is talking happily and laughing,
..….with Kuina.
"Goodbye my friend. Hello heartache. It's not the end. It's not the same. Wish it didn't have to be this way but, you will always mean the world to me love. Goodbye my friend. Hello heartache."
For some reason he just can't keep his eyes off of the swordsman while he sings this song. And no matter how much it hurts him too, he keeps watching Zoro with Kuina, while they continue to happily celebrate their recent engagement.
"I was champagne. You were Jameson. Every bad thing. We did was so much fun. I've seen your best side. You got to see my worst. It's not the first time. But this one really hurts. Oh oh. Yeah this one's gonna, it hurts.
Goodbye my friend. Hello heartache. It's not the end. It's not the same. Wish it didn't have to be this way but, you will always mean the world to me love. Goodbye my friend. Hello heartache."
As the instrumental break comes on, Sanji finds himself thinking over the times he had helped Zoro with his fiancé. Sanji was the first person the marimo ever told about his feelings for Kuina. And as he only thought of the swordsman as a friend at the time, he helped the moss head find a suitable place for his first date with her. He even cooked them a romantic meal once, when they were further along in their relationship.
Sanji was there for Zoro, in his own way (with snide remarks and fights), whenever his relationship with Kuina went through rough patches. He was the only person Zoro told when he decided on proposing to her. He even helped the idiot pick out the engagement ring, which is now on Kuina's finger.
Even though it hurts him, he's still happy for Zoro. Kuina makes the swordsman really happy. But watching when he proposed to her, in front of the rest of their nakama earlier on that day, he decided last minute that tonight was the last night he would stay in this city. It was too much for him.
He already had a duffel bag packed which he had put together a few weeks ago, ready for when he finally decided to leave, he could never just find the right time….until now.
That duffel bag is now currently in the bar's staff room. He normally brings it in with him on his preforming nights with a change of clothes for after he's performed, so no one thought any different of it this time.
As the thoughts get too much, he tightens his grip on the mic, and turns his gaze away from Zoro, and the rest of his happy nakama. Instead he focuses on looking out at the crowd in front of him while he continues the song to its end.
"Do you know, do you get. It's just goodbye, it's not the end.
Do you know, do you get. It's just goodbye, it's not the end.
Goodbye my friend. Hello heartache. It's not the end. It's not the same. Wish it didn't have to be this way but, you will always mean the world to me love. Goodbye my friend. Hello heartache."
Hello heartache.
Wish it didn't have to be this way but, you will always mean the world to me love. Goodbye my friend. Hello heartache."
When he finishes, he can't help but grin at the cheers from the crowd. Hurrying off stage so the next act can set up their equipment, Sanji reaches into his pocket and pulls out his letter. His high from performing quickly vanishes, and he's left feeling anxious once again.
Walking over to the bar, he hides the letter behind the till, letting the corner of the envelope show, and is unsure whether to feel relieved or disheartened that his nakama have not noticed him at all. Turning away, he walks through the door behind the bar and into the hallway. Going up the stairs, to his left, he makes his way to the staff room.
Picking up his bag from the sofa, he stops and stares out the window. The sky is dark and the stars are out. Sanji knows that this is his last chance to back out of leaving. Once he takes this step there is no going back.
He doubts his nakama would ever want him back if he leaves like this. But he has no choice. He can't stay here and watch Zoro and Kuina get married. As much as he is happy for the man and wants to be there for him, it hurts too much and he knows it will be unbearable for him.
He loves Zoro. But he can't stand around and see how happy he is with Kuina, it is already breaking his heart. He would never be able to make the man as happy as she does, and he knows he never will.
Sanji knows he is being selfish by doing this, but his nakama will get over his departure soon enough and move on with their lives, and he deserves to be happy too, right?
Snapping himself out from his daze, he walks out of the staff room, down the stairs, and out the back door.
As he makes his way to the front of the building, he stops once more and looks at the entrance sign in thought. Would they miss him? Would they even care? Most importantly, would Zoro?
No probably not. They can easily replace me and they'll be fine without me. I'm not needed.
Spinning around sharply, he walks off down the road and fights back the tears threatening to spill. A few blocks away he reaches a bus stop. Sanji has no idea where the next bus actually leads to, but as long as it is far away from here, he doesn't care.
After waiting ten minutes, the bus finally arrives. Greeting the driver, he gets on and pays for his ticket. It turns out this journey will take him right across to the other side of the country, to another city, and that's good enough for him.
The bus already starts moving as he walks down in-between the rows of seats and he notices a few other people sitting alone. Taking a seat at the back, he places his bag on his lap and is thankful for the peace and quiet. Looking out the window, he sighs and finally allows his tears to fall as he cries silently.