Disclaimer: Brian, Justin and Michael are not mine. Wish they were. Would kick Ben's ass for going on steroids, kill Ethan and have a double wedding with Michael, Ben, Justin and Brian!

Rating: M for lots of swearing.

A/N: this is the thoughts of Brian somewhere in the third season, so if you haven't seen that season, spoilers!

The inner thoughts of Brian Kinney

Why can't I just say it?

He asked me, and I wanted to, but the fucking words wouldn't leave my fucking mouth.

I can't lose him, I l... I lo...

Oh come on Kinney, if you can't even say it to yourself, what kind of man are you?

A fucking coward, that's what.

And that's why he left you, to live with that violinist. Because they are braver than you are.

They're strong and you're weak.

And you lost him, and you love him.

Yes, you love him, you've said it. Albeit when no one is around.

But everyone knows it. Michael knows it.

"You must really love him."

"I don't do love, present company excepted."

"I'm flattered."

He didn't believe me. No one ever does when it comes to those things.

He still loves you. He showed that when he went and got your bracelet back from that little shit of a nephew of mine.

But it isn't enough.

Fuck, the only person I actually tell them I love them on a regular basis is Mikey. He's the only one who knows the real you.

And I couldn't even share that with Justin. The only man I've ever been in love with since Mikey in high school.

And I fucked that up too.

I was so afraid of loosing him that I waited, and waited, and kept him hanging, until it was too late.

And now he has Ben.

And he was happy.

But I was scared for him. Fuck, if Ben ever hurts my Mikey...

But how can I help him?

I am Brian Fucking Kinney, Ice king, cold-hearted ad executive.

I'm not Rage,

I'm not a Superhero

I can't even tell Justin that I love him.