[Hook, Line, and Sinker]
Five Fun Facts about Sharks:
They can be unintentionally aggressive.
"Come on, Dango-chan, give me it back!" Kisame watched in a mixture of annoyance and exasperation as he watched her dance around on the tree branches in a clearing approximately five miles away from the Akatsuki Headquarters, also known as home. How nice it would be after three weeks to give his successful mission report to Leader-sama, swim in the indoor lake, then go curl up in bed with his mug of hot chocolate and the latest edition of Icha Icha Fortress (guaranteed to have sixty percent more bishounen). But that plan was going down the drain right now, because he could hardly give a successful mission report if DANGO WAS HOLDING IT AND DANCING AROUND THE TREES LIKE A DRUNKEN IDIOT.
"You didn't say the magic word!" Said drunken idiot chimed out as her leaping and twirling became more frenzied, she now resembled a bee flying unsteadily to its hive. Kisame gritted his sharp teeth. "Give me the report, please," he managed to force out from his mouth. It wasn't that he hated Dango, in fact the two got along on very friendly terms. The problem sourced in the form of the girl's unexplainable mood changes whenever she was with him. She would start laughing out of nowhere and fool around, yet when he chastised her for her empty-headedness, her rose lips would form a little pout and her eyes-those (deep, brown, chocolaty) damn eyes! - would look down at the ground, leaking small salty tears at the corners.
Was there a book about the ways and wiles of women? The Dummy's Guide to Females or something?
He quickly snapped out of his reverie when his companion teleported right in front of him and waved the paper at his face. "Looking for this?"
If there was one thing that could be said of Kisame, it was that he had quick reflexes. He pivoted with his right foot and knocked her feet out from her with a forty-five degree twist on his Samehada. With a neat plucking motion, he pulled the report from her hand and grinned triumphantly. "Whoo! Beat that, sucker!" He wasn't usually this enthusiastic, but beating Dango in one of her games had two main advantages-it was a great ego boost and she usually left him alone for a few days while she sulked, giving him some time to relax. No matter how much he enjoyed her company, there was nothing that would separate Kisame from his book on a post-mission hiatus. Itachi knew this best- he had once attempted to take the book and was greeted by the most formidable set of teeth known to man and fish. Nevertheless to say, Itachi's hand had a permanent scar on it that Kisame was constantly apologizing for, but not regretting.
"Dango?" He looked down to see the girl laying on the ground with a bump on her head.
"Uh-oh…"
"…So what you're saying is that you've… 'K.O.-ed' your partner?" Pein, also known by Leader-sama to his subordinates, lowered his newspaper for the first time during the talk to give an disbelieving look at the ex-Mist nin across the desk from him. Kisame scratched his head awkwardly. "Yeah…but she's got a huge bump on her head so I think Konan should see her." Pein sighed and rubbed his temples in annoyance. "Konan, get your med kit."
Sharks have the ability to become extremely guilty.
"-with Samehada?!" Konan asked in incredulity and exasperation. Kisame laughed nervously. "Yes..." He winced as the blue-haired woman punched him in the arm. "You idiot! She could've had a severe concussion!" She sighed and straightened herself up. "At any rate, the only thing we can do now is keep this ice bag on her head to reduce the swelling and wait for her to wake up. And seeing as it was you who caused the accident in the first place," The woman shoved a baggie filled with ice at Kisame. "You better keep that ice on her head," she threatened before gliding out of the room.
Kisame sighed. It had been about an hour (ok, only three minutes) after Konan had left, and his arm ached with the act of keeping the ice bag on Dango's head. He was also bored. The shark-man had attempted to balance the un-cooperating bag of ice on Dango's head repeatedly, failing every time. He was seriously considering duct taping the ice to his charge's forehead when his other partner glided into the room.
Itachi tossed Icha Icha Fortress carelessly into Kisame's lap and gestured with a long finger to leave. "I'll watch her." Kisame quickly examined his book's precious cover for smeary fingerprints and found a suspicious coating of white powder. "Itachi, have you been having one of your cravings again?" "Absolutely not." "…There's a dango stick glued to your hair." Itachi calmly removed the traitorous skewer and neatly snapped it between his thumb and forefinger. He raised an eyebrow at Kisame. "I don't see any stick." This was a very subtle hint for his partner to drop the subject and get the hell out of the room. "In case you missed it, Kisame, that was a very subtle hint for you to drop the subject and get the hell out of here." The Uchiha blinked and when he re-opened his eyes, his blue partner was gone. He sighed and sat down next to Dango, scrutinizing her face. "…Is this duct tape?"
Sharks also have the ability to become very, very jealous.
The first two things Dango noticed when she cracked open her eyelids was that her head felt like she had gone on a tequila spree and that Itachi was reading Twilight. The first note annoyed her, the second almost sent her back into unconsciousness.
"Itachi…?" she asked carefully, making sure he wasn't on one of his mood swings again. Recently, no matter how hard he tried to deny the fact, the Uchiha's y-chromosome had finally caught up with him after five years of repression, and he was worse than a pregnant woman in her third trimester. There were times when Kakuzu was shoved into the nearest village to shop for Itachi's sudden sugar attacks, something the ex-Falls nin despised very, very, much.
.
"You're awake." Whew. It was his normal monotone voice, instead of the sullen silence that seemed to plague Itachi's angst-ridden body most days. Dango noticed that he looked very satisfied and that there was powder on his lips. "You've been eating my namesake again?" "The treat dango is hardly named after you. If anything, you're itsnamesake." "…You're avoiding the question."
Itachi growled at her a little and pouted sullenly. "Why is it such a large matter if I'm simply eating a little treat? Is nothing fair for me here? Is my life doomed to be one big hole of unfulfilled desires?!" Dango rolled her eyes and gave him a hug. It was the only cure for Itachi's angst, but only she and Konan were willing to do it, as the rest of the Akatsuki would grumble something about their sexuality and ignore the sulking Uchiha on the couch, surfing through their thousands of channels before settling on a cooking show. Which meant that most days one would find Itachi sitting at the kitchen table with some leftover dango sticks surrounding him, eyeing the last rice ball with a forlorn expression.
Itachi blinked for a second then let out a breath. "Thank you." Dango nodded understandingly. "Now why are you reading Twilight?" Itachi deftly placed a bookmark in the book and shut it. "The main protagonists seem to suffer a great deal of trauma and strife throughout the plot. It's a complicated love life, and I can just tell that the Jacob boy is going to provide some extra stress throughout the series." He looked up from the cover to find his companion staring at him. She shook her head slowly. "You need to stop reading that."
The Uchiha decided to sidestep that order and change the topic. "Kisame K. you, didn't he?" Dango nodded, ashamed. "I was just dancing around with our mission report because, well, I was bored… and then he came and slammed that damn sword into my side, and I don't remember the rest." Itachi nodded thoughtfully. "You've received a concussion from that incident." Dango lightly touched the top of her head and groaned in pain. "You know, I'm starting to think he did that on purpose. You know, Kisame plays it up, pretends he did it by accident, then gets to enjoy a few evenings without me." She started to droop. The Uchiha noticed and gave her an awkward pat on the hand. "I'm quite sure that is not the case." She rolled her eyes at his obviously wrong statement. "Have you seen the way he looks at me? It is a look of mere tolerance and patience, sometimes even amusement, but never one of companionship nor of l-" She stopped and looked at the ground, letting Itachi muse quietly for a few moments. "You love him, don't you?" She glared at him and opened her mouth, but he quickly placed a finger over her lips. "Hush, you're just going to spout unnecessary nonsense. Are you positive that Kisame only tolerates your presence?" She nodded against his finger. Itachi snorted. "You are wrong."
Dango opened her mouth again. "And how would YOU know anything about that?!" She watched in amusement as her friend (because, now that she realized it, Itachi was one of her best friends in the Akatsuki) snorted once more. When had he ever been so expressive about, well, anything before? "Of course I 'know something about it.' I have to listen to that damn heathen rant on and off about the color of your eyes every day. You're the reason he always asks for extra breaks on our three-man missions. You're the reason we always return two days after the due date. In a nutshell, you're the reason he loves you."
He watched in exasperation as Dango gaped at him (like a drunken idiot). "I can't believe it…" she murmured, staring off into the distance. Itachi sighed and his patented Uchiha mind quickly devised a plan. "Are you aware of Kisame's one biggest weakness?" Itachi asked her. Dango shrugged. "His phobia of dolphins?" The Uchiha blinked and filed that valuable information in his compartmentalized memory. "No. I fear that our dear comrade is susceptible to the sixth deadly sin—jealousy."
Dango frowned. "I don't see how that has anything to do with me."
Itachi smirked and threaded his fingers through hers. "Oh, really? Hello, Mrs. Uchiha."
His smirk seemed to grow even more wicked as she yelped and wrenched her fingers out. "Are you as crazy and sadistic as the legends suggest, Uchiha?!" Said legendary Itachi raised one eyebrow. "Could you repeat? I was too occupied with being 'crazy and sadistic' to catch that, Mrs. Uchiha."
Later, years later, she asked him what he would have gained out of the arrangement. Itachi just mumbled something about a bet between him and Deidara and that was the end of it.
Mission Provoke the Shark, Day 1
Deidara was currently munching on a boat of Mini Wheats that was floating in his milk. He had just returned from a month-long mission in the Land of Waves, and although Akatsuki was used to harsh conditions, after a mission of more than three weeks it was wise to recuperate by stocking up on nutrition. And of course, there was always entertainment and a month load of Akatsuki drama to catch up on.
Dango plopped down on the chair across from him on the bar counter with some blueberry pancakes. "Hello, Deidara. Back from your mission?" Deidara held up a finger as he swallowed his cereal and grinned back at her. "Yeah, un. The weather was bad, Sasori-danna yelled at me a lot, and I kicked a lot of people's asses. Nothing new. Miss me, yeah?" Out of the Akatsuki, Dango was one of the easiest to get along with. She listened to you and was all and all a great friend. At this moment she was cooing sympathetically at the sound of his mission. "And you had to deal with that for a whole month? Harsh. And yes, I did miss you. The base was boring with you gone." Deidara shrugged easily. "Well, Leader-sama has acknowledged our success and I've been granted another month of vacation time." He grinned. "So what's the latest dish on the Akatsuki Drama?"
"Good morning, Dango." Itachi glided into the kitchen and planted a kiss on the girl's lips. "Pleasant mission, Deidara?" The Uchiha watched in amusement as Deidara nodded weakly in acknowledgment, then swept away to make his daily batch of coffee.
Deidara looked off into the distance for a few moments, then shook his head furiously and glared at Dango. "When I said 'drama' I didn't mean anything close to this, un." His companion blushed furiously and looked down at her maple syrup. The bomber opened his mouth, hesitated, and then said, "So what about Kisame, yeah?" Dango stared at him gaping for a few seconds, then started ranting and yelling. "HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW ABOUT THAT?!" Deidara smirked and patted her hands reassuringly. "It's just really obvious."
Itachi plopped down next to Dango with his coffee and spoon in hand. He started blowing on it and began speaking. "And of course, this little false affection between Dango and me is just a ruse to have Kisame reveal his true feelings for her." Deidara nodded in understanding. "Very smart, un. It's about time that shark started speaking his thoughts."
Dango finished her pancakes with a thoughtful expression. "Oh, and one more thing, Deidara." Both she and Itachi took out their own kitchen utensils and pointed them menacingly at the poor ex-Iwa nin, speaking at the same time. "If you ever reveal this plot to Kisame, we will cheerfully remove your intestines and use them as hair ties." Deidara blinked. "Sure, un." Satisfied, Dango put her dishes in the sink and walked away from the kitchen. Itachi smiled at Deidara (a frightening prospect in itself, as the Uchiha surely knew) and got up to follow the kunoichi. "Have a lovely day."
Deidara shivered once the Uchiha's ponytail swept around the next corner. Thank Kami, Buddha, Jashin, whoever's up there, that those two aren't really a couple.
Mission Provoke the Shark, Day 2
Sharks and weasels are mortal enemies.
As everyone knows, a morning starting out good has a 50-50 chance of progressing to be the best or worst day ever.
In this case, it was the latter.
Kisame had just finished Icha Icha Fortress and was feeling very satisfied with himself. "Who knew Kita would turn into a girl at the end?" he squealed, as he put the book away in his bookshelf (which was padlocked, ever since the Itachi Incident) and walked out of his room. He realized with guilt that Dango would have recovered since he K. her three days ago, and he hadn't gone to apologize yet.
Inner Kisame quickly came to his defense. 'But who could predict that Kita would have surgery just to be accepted by Doku? It was a climax that we couldn't just stop reading!'
Kisame began to argue with his inner consciousness, but stopped. No need for another Zetsu to wander the halls of the base.
Well, no matter, he thought as he turned the corner. He was going to see Dango right now and he was bringing her favorite plush, a stuffed shark named Mr. Bruno. Then she would hug Mr. Bruno and go to sleep, and he would have a chance to plant a soft kiss on her nose like he always did, like Itachi was doing right now.
Wait.
Like Itachi was doing right now?
Like Itachi was doing right now?!
For once, Inner Kisame provided good advice. 'Calm down and don't jump to conclusions. They are really good friends, after all. Nose kisses aren't so big.'
Kisame nodded to himself. Right. Nose kisses weren't a big deal at all. He turned to walk away. Obviously Dango was fine if she could walk all the way from the infirmary to this hallway.
"HOLY SHIT, CAN'T YOU DO THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU HEATHENS?!"
Hidan's voice cut through the shark's relief. Kisame quickly whirled around and hid behind the corner.
What he saw made his heart stumble over a few beats.
Itachi had pinned Dango to the wall and was currently pressing his lips down her neck, moving slowly downward. Hidan had long disappeared and was most likely offering penance for witnessing such an act.
How dare Itachi attempt to seduce his Dango?
No. Not his Dango, not anyone's Dango. He took a calming breath and felt more at ease.
'Nose kisses aren't big, but neck kisses? Wow…' Inner Kisame whistled.
The comment sent his rage back like a boomerang. Kisame could feel the anger churning in him like a mini hurricane. He leaned in toward his natural instincts—the ones that told him what to do in a situation like this.
Itachi had been raining kisses down Dango's neck when a blue hand suddenly slammed into the wall next to his head, creating a miniature crater. He calmly looked up into the utterly outraged face of Kisame, and attempted not to laugh. Honestly, his partner could become so worked up.
The shark bared his teeth menacingly. "What are you doing to Dango?" The Uchiha countered back and asked, "And why would that be of your concern?" Kisame quickly attempted to rein in his reckless anger. His partner was right. Dango was not his, nor anyone else's. She was free to make her own decisions. He quickly thought of a plausible excuse. "She just recovered from a concussion. It'd be wise not to do anything…drastic right now."
Kisame wanted to punch out the smirk that was dancing on his partner's lips. Itachi merely nodded and backed away from Dango. "Well, until next time," he purred, then walked away.
The two Akatsuki members remaining stood in an awkward silence, staring at the ground. Kisame decided to speak up. "So…Dango, do you really like…?" He looked up to see the girl gone.
"97, 98, 99…100." The Jashinist grunted in satisfaction and pocketed the money, shaking hands with Itachi. The Uchiha nodded back. "I hope we'll do business soon. You have excellent acting skills." Hidan merely grunted again and jerked his head toward the door. "That's fucking great. Now get the hell out of my room."
Operation Provoke the Shark, Day 7
It had been a week since Itachi and Dango had begun their plot. All in all, the plan was going quite well. All the Akatsuki members except for Kisame and Tobi (who, as all agreed, was better off not knowing the ins and outs of a relationship) were aware of their scheme and played along, oftentimes feeding little rumors to Kisame's ear. By the end of the week, the shark was positively festering in his own jealousy, and all who saw him smirked knowingly.
At the moment, the ex-Mist nin was glaring at his Cheerios as Itachi fed Dango various fruits at the bar counter.
"…Gooseberry?" she guessed, her eyes attempting to strain through her blindfold. Itachi chuckled. "You were close. It was a blackberry." "…Kiwi?" "Good job."
Their voices blurred as he remembered that day, so long ago…
"Kisame, what's wrong? You've been awfully quiet lately."
"Itachi, you can't mix two fruit in, that's cheating!"
"Ah, nothing. It's more convenient for both of us anyway, with Itachi-sama gone on a solo mission."
"Banana, definitely banana."
"Convenient? Kisame, you have to stop talking in riddles and tell me what's up."
"Very good, Dango. You're getting better at this."
"Aren't you afraid of me? Of my looks, especially?"
"Gah, pineapple. I hate pineapple."
"Kisame, you're my friend, so looks don't matter to me. But if it matters that much, you're decent-looking. In fact, I think Itachi looks worse than you."
"Stop shoving pineapple in my mouth! Grvmmk!"
"Itachi-sama was and still is quite the ladies' man."
"Sorry, Dango. It's just funny watching you gag on such a trivial fruit such as pineapple."
"You must be joking me. Have you seen those bags he has under his eyes in the morning when he gets his coffee?"
"I'll show you trivial! Nyaah!"
"Dango, I think I lo-"
"Hey, blindfold on!"
"Hm? You what?"
"No way! I'm coming at you full force!"
"…I think I love these flowers! Heh…"
Kisame pulled out of his reverie to find Dango standing above Itachi, laughing and pelting strawberries at him. "Dango, could we talk outside?" he asked in a quiet face, and suddenly all noise died out in the kitchen. "Um, sure," she replied, and dusted herself off. Kisame nodded and walked out the door of the kitchen. The girl gave Itachi a look and followed after him.
Sharks love for life.
"What is it, Kisame?" Dango asked him as they sat on one of the base's tower roofs, watching the lake waters stir below them. She waited patiently as the shark sat pensively, as the air whipped higher around them. He muttered something incoherently under his breath, and then turned to her. "So, Dango…how has your week been?"
Inner Dango banged her forehead repeatedly on a wall before gritting out, 'So he pulled us up here away from Itachi and his fruit fantasy so he could ask how we were?! Do you know how much I was enjoying those papayas?!" Dango shook her head to get the ranting of her conscious out of mind.
"Wonderful, Kisame. Wonderful." She was surprised by the bitterness inside her voice. Since when was she mad at Kisame? Was she mad at Kisame? To her shock, Dango knew deep inside that she was.
The girl felt apologetic though, as her long-time companion winced as if he took a blow. Kisame nodded absently, then got up from his sitting position. "Well, that's great. Now, if you'll excuse me, Icha Icha Passion awaits, and—"
He was stopped by a small hand, and looked down to find Dango glaring at him in a near perfect imitation of Leader-sama without his coffee. "Stop right there, Kisame. Tell me what you really wanted to say." Kisame winced. He couldn't confess anything right now, he was too aware of the possibilities of rejection. "I have nothing else to say, Dango. Now let me go." He could have done a teleportation jutsu, but Kisame knew this was something he would have to face sooner or later.
"No. You owe me an explanation," her voice demanded, voicing a suddenly very irritating request. He felt the rage beginning to stir within him again, and tried to repress the animalistic urges that were awakening.
"I don't owe you anything." Kisame broke free from her grasp and walked past her toward the edge of the roof, near the lake. A nice dip in the water sounded like a good idea right then.
Suddenly Dango was right in front of him, demonstrating the tremendous speed that had helped get her into the Akatsuki. "Tell me. Unless you're too busy reading your little porn novel." The last phrase was a blow below the belt, and suddenly Kisame could feel the stored rage swirling out from him in massive waves.
"I haven't read anything from the beginning of this week! Do you know why?! Because you two have been distracting me!" The emotions had started leaking out into his voice.
"And why the hell would you care?" She repeated the same question Itachi had asked from the beginning. Hearing that made him feel like a black hole, sucking himself from the inside.
"Dammit, because I love you!" he cried out, feeling his heart wrenching inside to know that she now had the power to crush it with her fingers, with the knowledge that she loved Itachi.
Instead Dango muttered a, "Finally, you dunce," and stood her up, pressing her warm lips against his. She tasted like lemons and the sea. Kisame groaned and pinned her to the ground, caressing her mouth with his, and the wind had whirled into a wild swirl now, and their hair was flying and he couldn't think and…
He pulled up with another groan, panting. "Do you love me back?" he asked hesitantly. Dango rolled her eyes. "No, Kisame. I don't love you back. I just kissed you insanely because I'm that retarded. Of course I love you. Now come here." And they resumed kissing passionately, the leaves and the wind swirling dizzyingly around them. Itachi appeared, saying, "Well, has anything happened yet?" but he was quickly kicked into the lake by two different sets of feet. A short while later, Kisame pulled Dango and himself up, and they sat in silence admiring the giant ripples of water the Uchiha had created on the lake's surface. Kisame started. "So basically that little stunt between you and Itachi was all just a ruse to get me jealous?" His voice was ashamed. Dango laughed a little at his expression and caressed his cheek. "Yep. It was like hook, line, and sinker."
"So, Deidara, Itachi only cooperated with me because of some bet with you. I'd like to know exactly what that bet was." "Heh, well, Dango, it all started when the topic of homosexuality came up…"