Pairing: Sam/Leah
Category: Angst
Rating: T
A/N: So I'm sitting in bed last night, going over the reviews I've received for "Meanwhile" (btw thanks for the awesome response on that one both on Tricky Rave and !) and the thought pops in my head: How'd that break up happen? Was it right after Sam returned from his disappearance? Was it after the imprint? Did Sam even care or was he a callous bastard? So I decided I needed a "prequel" of sorts though they can be read separately. The title came to me in a flash and it just begged to be written. This is what I came up with. Thanks for reading.
The Inequity of a Kiss
One look. One glimpse into a pair of brown eyes and my world changed.
Destroyed.
Revived.
Complete.
Complete? No no no no no no not right!
Something's wrong? I want to go to her, be with her… No I can't. Why can't I? Something… No, some one.
Leah.
Why am I not following Leah? I see out of the corner of my eye that she's turning to look for me with the same question on her face. I had finally come to see her to talk about where our relationship was going after my disappearance. But I can't seem to look away from the woman in front of me. I want her, I need her, she is everything.
SHE IS NOTHING!
Leah.
I feel a hand on my arm and turn to see Harry Clearwater looking at me intently. All I can say to him is "I'm sorry." He looks between me and the woman in front of me and I see realization dawn on his face. This legend appears to be true as well. He nods in understanding. "Emily, go inside and help your Aunt Sue please."
Oh, so that's her name. Now I remember Leah talking about her. Her cousin, her best friend.
Leah.
As much as my heart is leaping for joy at the prospect of having found my soul mate so easily, it is equally breaking at the thought of hurting the woman I have loved for so long and who has returned that love.
Harry squeezes my arm and whispers to me "Do what you have to do son. I'll take care of her as best I can." The fear must have shown brightly on my face when I looked from his hand on my arm to his face for his expression of comfort turns to sadness and resignation. It seems that decision I had been struggling with has been made. He knows I am going to break his daughter's heart and there's not a damn thing we can do about it.
I don't like this.
Not one bit.
But I'm going to do it anyways.
I see Leah standing at the edge of the forest waiting on me. I approach her slowly, feeling the ache in my chest grow as I move away from the house Emily just entered.
Away from my life, my reason…
My imprint.
Leah smiles as she sees me approach her, but it begins to falter as I get closer. I can only imagine what my face looks like right now; a confusing mixture of elation and joy and resignation and sadness. "Sam," he voice is barely above a whisper as she reaches towards me. "What is it? What's wrong?"
I just look at her for a moment before grabbing her extended hand and walking a couple of feet into the forest. I stop and turn to her, staring at her feet. I can't look at her, not for this. Not to break her heart.
"Sam!" Her voice is stronger now, back to the level I know my Leelee is more than capable of. "What the hell is going on? You disappeared, won't tell where you went, won't give me anything at all and now you can't even look at me? I spent weeks worrying and wondering and when you return I get nothing more than a grunt and a half ass apology. Something isn't right and I need to know what it is! Don't I deserve that? Where are you? Where did my Sammy go? I miss him, I NEED him!"
I hear the pain in her voice and oh my God my heart hurts. I know I don't want to hurt her; she deserves so much more than this. She's right; she deserves the truth and a life with the one she loves. But I can't give her those things, not anymore. I know what I must do so I finally look up at her.
Her eyes are full of tears she's trying her damndest to hold on to. The expression on her face… I can't even describe it. It's like every fear she ever had is happening at this moment. And honestly it is. So I do the only thing I know to do to comfort her.
I cup her face in my hands and bring it closer to mine. I feel her grip my wrists as her breath washes over me. I put my nose in her hair and inhale her scent. She smells of birthday cake and musk and some kind of sweet berry I can't identify at this moment.
And it doesn't do anything for me anymore... Not at all.
And that pisses me off more than anything.
Because I know I can't give her the real reason for what I am doing. I can't explain that it's beyond my control. I didn't… DON'T want any of this. My fate was decided long ago and if it's one thing I've learned over the past month it's that you can't fight fate. But, I can give her a little something. It won't be enough, it'll never be enough, but it's all I can do.
I press my lips to her forehead and gently make my way down to her lips. As I capture them, I pour every ounce of love and passion I can into it. I give her every last feeling I have had for her over our time together. Everything we were, everything we could have been if it weren't for fate.
But it's not enough.
It will never be enough.
I finally break the kiss and whisper in her ear. "I wish so much that I could answer your questions. There is so much I want to say and do for you. But the fact is that I can't. Just remember Leelee…"
I pause to catch my breath as I feel the tears prickling my eyes. I don't want to cry, but I know it's inevitable as I look in her eyes and proceed to destroy her.
"I love you. I always have, I probably always will in some way…"
I stop because I can't bring myself to say the next words. I lower my hands to her waist and she grasps at my shirt and starts to shake her head in denial. She knows what I'm not saying, where this is going. I can't help but want to comfort her. So I kiss her again.
Our mouths move in a rhythm that we have perfected over the years. Our hands wander over each other's back and I grip her tighter to me. I feel her press against me and her shoulders start to shake with repressed sobs. This is not about lust right now but about the only form of comfort I can give.
But it's still not enough.
I pull away from her when I feel the first tear drop on my cheek. I gently wipe it from her face only to have it replaced by another, then another. They aren't stopping.
"Please don't Sam. Don't do this, don't say the words."
I drop my hands from her face and take a step back from her. I can't touch her; I don't deserve to touch her. With one more press of my lips to her forehead, I shatter her world.
"I'm so sorry, Leah. It's done. I can't see you anymore."
And like the coward I am, I turn to the forest and run. I hear her scream my name in protest, her sobs of agony. It tears me apart to know I have hurt her so I phase and let out a howl of despair. I'm not that from her still and I hear Harry come out to get her. She's still sobbing as he leads her back to their house. He's murmuring words that are meant to comfort, but will not penetrate her mind and heart for a long time still.
I did what I could. And I will continue to do the job that I have been tasked with.
But it will never be enough to mend the heart that I have broken.