A/N: I had as dream about a song called Kissing Families by the Silversun Pickups. I was inspired to write this piece because of it. Kissing Families is my favorite song by this group. I absolutely adore SSPU. Also, I grew up with the Beatles, and I can't imagine my life without them. C:
There are lyrics used in the story from the following songs:
Kissing Families - Silversun Pickups
Oh! Darling - the Beatles
Julia - the Beatles
Two of Us - the Beatles
Julia was a song written by John Lennon for his mom, Julia. I love the song and the name so why not use it? I know it isn't the greatest piece ever, but I'm okay with it for now. Although, knowing me, I'll be thinking about this later and come back to change it or something. I'm never satisfied.
There are references to other Beatles songs and characters from ATU. ATU being Across the Universe, the most amazing movie ever created in the history of mankind. I don't own any of it. And I believe that's all.
Enjoy! ~
Everybody had somebody.
JoJo had Sadie.
Jude had Lucy.
Hell, even Prudence had that contortionist, Rita, wrapped around her small Chinese finger.
Yeah, everybody had somebody but Maxwell Carrigan. Until Julia showed up and turned my world upside down.
I don't think I'll ever forget the first day I saw Julia. It was after the war, after the peaceful marches, the violent demonstrations, the heated fights between lovers, the acid trips, the weed, the alcohol, the limeys. This happened after our big adventure. After that stupid fight with my parents, after I dropped out of Princeton and moved to New York to bunk with Jude in Sadie's bohemian hot spot, after I was drafted and shot at and repatriated..
I came back to a quiet home. Jude had been deported, Lucy was being blown away with the other demonstrators, Sadie had gone on tour and left JoJo behind. Everything was different. But, like in all fairytales, there was a happy ending to that chapter of our lives.
We continued to mooch off of Sadie and her vastly growing fame and popularity amongst those acid droppers and blowers and blazers and drinkers and hipsters. We all lazed about in her groovy pad, excluding Jude and Lucy, who had moved back in with each other.
The day I saw Julia was a chilly autumn afternoon in New York. I was still in the taxi business, god dammit. Despite having served this country in another country nobody even heard of before the invasion. Where were our pensions? Where was our glory?
The day I saw Julia, she was sitting on a park bench, alone, gazing into a homemade kaleidoscope. Her long brown hair curled down the spine of her back. I watched her for awhile, fascinated at how long one person could be entertained by a kaleidoscope. I turned a good number of clients down to spy on this girl.
Finally, she gathered her belongings which consisted of a brown messenger bag and some flowers she must've picked. As she left, I remember scoffing to myself and thinking, "God, what a flower child." I hopped back into the taxi, grumbling because it had been a waste of time from the start but I was so captivated by her simple beauty that I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to come back and find that she had gone.
But then I realized she was a hippie. I can dig the hipsters, I was one once. But everything changed after the Nam experience. You can't go back once you've been drawn in. It's hard. Because you realize that nothing in this world is as beautiful as it used to be. Lying with your friends in tall grass after the biggest acid trip of your life and the dopest circus performance you've ever been to used to give you this infinite feeling.
But not anymore. Not after Vietnam. Not after realizing everything had changed, everybody had changed. I didn't think I could ever experience infinity again. Or maybe I had always thought I had and never really did and when it finally happened with Julia, it was like nothing I had ever felt before.
I guess I didn't give Julia a second thought that day because I was envious of her freedom. She didn't have to go through what I did. She didn't witness bloodshed and genocide and body parts being blown off her war buddies. She would never have to go through that, and I did and nothing was the same. I wanted to go back to way things were.
I got over it, in time, with a little help from my friends, but I dreamt about it. It was with me when I should've been dreaming about cute fuzzy things or naked women.
The very next day, at the very same spot, right on cue, I saw her again. She didn't have the kaleidoscope with her though. She was reading a book. Again, I stayed and watched. And watched. And watched. Until she got up and left. And we began the process over the next day. She had a camera this time, snapping random shots of passerbys. And again, I stayed and watched, watched, watched, until she bounced up and disappeared.
That next day, however, she had nothing with her. She sat there, watching people walk by. I couldn't help but smirk as I watched her watch them. She left a little earlier then she had the the last few days, but why did I care? Her leaving just meant I would no longer watch as she idly twirled strands of curly hair when she appeared to be lost in thought, or gently bite down on her bottom lip, or tap her chin with her with a finger.
The next day she wasn't at her usual bench. I didn't care, of course. I leaned against my taxi, a cup of joe warming my cold hands. I hated winter in New York. I watched other people instead. They were much more interesting anyways.
"Excusez-moi," I jumped, startled at the slight tap on my sholder. Holy shit, I hadn't even anticipated that. I turned to see her. That girl. That flower child.
"Yeah?"
"Pourquoi avez-vous toujours à me regarder?"
Oh, God, she's a fucking French flower child.
"Listen, uh.. mademoiselle? I don't.."
"Pourquoi, monsieur, êtes-vous dans l'amour avec moi?" She tilted her head to the side, curiously. I stared at her. Okay, I knew enough French to know that.. amour or whatever, meant love. And moi is me.. Jesus, did she think I was in love with her?
"Hey, I never—" I was interrupted by this amazing noise. What the hell was that and where was it coming from? I gazed down at her. Was she laughing? That was her laugh? Wait, why was she laughing?
"I'm just joshin' you, brother." She smiled, all evidence of the French vanished into thin air.
"So are you going to tell me what you said?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"What would be the fun in telling you? I think you should guess."
"I'm kind of working—"
"Like you were working the rest of this week, right?" So she noticed. Dammit.
"Yes."
"Do you get paid to stare at me?"
"It's not exactly in the job description.."
"If it was, I bet you'd have a fancy little bundle in your pocket, wouldn't you?" She grinned. Dammit, she had the nicest smile I had ever seen, what the hell was wrong with this girl, man? "I'm Julia."
"Max."
"Pleasure to meet your aquaintance, Max." She handed me a flower.
"Likewise, Julia."
"So.. same time, same place tomorrow?" She took a few backwards steps from me. I arched a brow in her direction.
"Sure, Julia.." With that, she danced away. And the next day, I drove up in my yellow taxi and she was sitting at the bench with two steaming cups beside her, an open book in her crossed lap. Instead of leaning against my taxi and watching her from afar, I sat beside her and listened as she read excerpts from her current book aloud.
As she shot up, and I followed suit to head back to my taxi, she handed me a flower and smiled and said, "Make this world a happy place. See you tomorrow, Max." I looked at her until she disappeared.
I think I fell in love with her while sitting on that bench in New York. I can't say which day it was, but it happened there. I didn't realize it until much later though, maybe it was when I couldn't sleep at night because all I thought about was Julia, I don't know. I drank to try to leave my feelings for her behind because she was romantically involved with some shitbag namd Topher.
Yeah, Julia mentioned him a few times, but I knew there was something going on between the two of them because of their arguments. The two of them thought they were being sly when they would go out back and whisper harshly to each other. It usually ended with Julia in tears and this swelling in my chest that made me want to kick the holy hell out of that guy in the alleyway behind Cafe Huh?
I wanted to console her so badly, but I was afraid of how she's react when she found out I spied on them.
One day, during the spring, Julia wasn't at her usual bench in the afternoon. I waited and waited. When I realized she wasn't going to show, I dragged myself to Cafe Huh? where I was scheduled to meet Jude and Lucy. Along the way, I shoved my hands into my jean pockets, kept my head low and grumbled my way to the joint.
On the way, I managed to bump into a body and reacted quickly. I withdrew my hands from my pocket and grabbed for the forearms, securely pulling the body toward mine, "Oh shit, man, I'm sorry about that—"
"It's cool, brother."
"Whoa, Pru, hey, what's happenin', man?"
"Well, well, Maxwell Carrigan." The female's lips coiled into a roguish smile. I couldn't help but regard her with caution, "And where is this cool cat headed?"
"The usual hangout. Meeting the sister and the limey for a drink. What about you?"
"Fixing to scout the scene for Rita."
"Oh.. are you two fighting?"
"Fighting? No, my beautiful brother, we're playing the most extraordinary game of hide-and-seek."
"Hide-and-seek?" I crossed my arms over my chest, leaning a shoulder against the elaborately painted brick wall beside us, "In the city?"
"The best kind, man."
"In any case, kid, I haven't seen lovely Rita."
"That's fine, I know exactly where she's hiding."
"You do?"
"That isn't important right now, Maxwell."
"It isn't?"
"No."
"Then—"
"You know that foxy number Julia, right?" I pushed myself from the wall, standing erect at the name. This was all the confirmation Prudence needed as she proceeded to tell me, "I saw the poor thing sobbing her heart out over on Second, the Blue Room. You know the place?"
"Yeah, I know it.." I frowned. Why was Julia crying? And why did Prudence tell me? "Thanks, Pru.."
"No problem, Maxie. I'll let Luce and Jude know you won't be able to make it tonight and that you send your deepest apologies." She flashed me another grin and walked away, hips swaying. God, she picked up Sadie's bad habits. I couldn't help but stare at her backside for a moment longer before remembering the information I had been given.
As I jogged the way to the Blue Room, I began thinking of the possible reasons for Julia's anguish. Topher popped up in a lot of these scenerios and I only managed to anger myself.
The beauty of living with Sadie and JoJo was getting to know the bouncers to the joints they performed at. The Blue Room happened to be one of those places and this brother graciously stepped aside with a nod of his bald head allowing me to enter. I had to ask around and describe Julia to different people before I finally found her, sitting in the farthest corner from the entrance.
She had her elbows perched on the table, chin resting in the palm of her hand. I don't think I had ever seen her look so indescribable before. It was weird how much her pain affected me. I felt this overwhelming urge to console her.
I neared her, the transparencies covering the lights in this place casted a blue glow. And with the terrible lighting, I had to squint to see if the girl really was Julia. But when she looked up and locked gazes with me, I knew immediately it was my girl.
She didn't look relieved or happy to see me, which was a bit of a downer because she always smiled for me. And there were no flowers with her. I had grown accustomed to receiving clusters from this woman.
I approached and stood in front of her, her head tilting back so she could properly see my face, "Is this seat taken?" My voice sounded unusually loud to me in the Blue Room. The only noise that could be heard was the sax player at the stage and the low whispers of the patrons. I peered down at Julia.
With the smoke from the cigarettes and weed and Lord knows what else and the crazy lighting, it created a haze and made Julia seem a million miles away.
"What are you doing here, Max?"
"I'm here for you." I sat anyways, "Where were you today?"
"It doesn't matter.." Her tonality troubled me, greatly. The way she seemed to drone on. It had something to do with Topher, I could feel it.
"What did he do to you, Julia? I swear, if he hurt you—" My threat was interrupted as Julia placed the hand supporting her head against her chest.
"He hurt me here, Max."
"What happened?"
"Topher and I are no more." Well, why was she upset about that? I was on the verge of celebration from such wonderful news! Contrariwise, my jokes had no place in the now as my heart twisted at seeing Julia so distraught, especially over a bastard like Topher.
Now, if it had been I that broke her heart, this sorrow would be completely understandable—"Julia..you deserve so much better than that prick..please, don't be sad over him.." I observed her as she stood. She held a hand out. Curiosity getting the better of me, I accepted the hand and she tugged me from me seat, leading me to the dance floor.
Every pair of eyes in the place were on us, as we were the only dancers. Julia slid her arms around my neck and leaned her head against my chest, sighing in content. She fit perfectly. I wrapped my arms around her waist and it was like it was meant to be.
The sax player and the pianist played in unison and I tightened my grip on this girl's perfect body, my eyes closing. She smelled heavenly. Befor the song neared it's end, I pulled away from her, ignoring her puzzled face. I hurried toward the stage, muttering to the musicians and grabbed the microphone, leaving it on the stand, my lips pressed against it, "Oh! Darling, please believe me, I'll never do you no harm! Believe me when I tell you I'll never do you no harm!" I swore I could've heard murmurs about Sadie and JoJo. But this wasn't about them. It was about her, "Oh! Darling, if you leave me, I'll never make it alone. Believe me when I beg you! Don't ever leave me alone!"
Julia wore a grin and tugged me from the stage, and the pianist took over the song, "When you told me you didn't need me anymore, well you know I nearly broke down and cried,"
As the song neared its end, Julia moved her plump lips to my ear and whispered, "I'll always need you, Max.." My heart skipped a beat, "Come with me.." Her lithe body slipped out of my grip. I obediently filed after her.
The streets were strangely empty for being a Friday evening in New York and the bouncer to the Blue Room gave me another nod of his head as we departed. I found that Julia had linked our fingers together and enjoyed her soft flesh against my calloused hand, "Where are we going?"
"Out of our minds." Incidentally, out of our minds was around the corner, at her apartment. It reminded me a lot of Sadie's and I felt right at home. Oddly enough, during the walk to Julia's pad, I didn't think of sex once. It didn't even occur to me as she pulled me into her bedroom and closed the door behind us. It was the furthest thing from my mind as we crawled into her bed and lied beside each other, Julia curled in my arms.
I was the most content I had ever been since the war, with Julia, stroking her loose curls, humming her to sleep as she silently sobbed into my chest. At first, I was positive she was grieving her bastard of a loss, but after awhile, I became uncertain about why she was really crying.
I fell asleep that night with my nose buried in the crown of her head, inhaling her naturally sweet scent. I don't think I had ever been so comfortable in my entire life. I was in bed with a woman and we weren't even having sex, and I was completely okay with it. I think this was when I realized I was in love with this woman.
I have many, many memories with Julia. I think my favorite one was the day we first made love. Not sex. We didn't have sex. We made love.
Julia pushed the shopping cart in front of her. I don't think she could've looked more beautiful. She knew I was watching her because she stopped and turned in my direction, licking her lips. I stared as she abandoned her cart and sauntered over to me, her hair obscuring my vision of her amazing blue eyes.
"Hey, bella." She slithered into my waiting arms, and our pieces fit perfectly, "Didn't imagine bumping into you here."
"Of all places, huh?" I chuckled.
"Yeah.. what're you up to?" I glanced at her shopping cart, "What're you going to do with all those spray cans?"
She smiled deviously at me, "Something illegal."
She drove me to a vast field of tall, green grass. It reminded me of Mr. Kite and his Blue Meanies and lying with the others in the grass after coming down from our trip. I turned to see a single wooden building. It looked like it might've been a small home at one point in its pathetic life.
I vaguely wondered what we were doing here when Julia pulled her hair into a messy bun, snapped gloves onto her hands and wrapped a bandana around her face, shielding her from the nose down from the fumes of the spray can. A pair of purple aviator shades rested on the bridge of her nose. I held a hand to shield my own eyes from the rays of sun shining through the gray clouds.
The brown building had already been painted. It looked as if Julia was finishing the job. She had been coming home later and later and I mused over her whereabouts. This must've been where she had been going.
"Vandalism." I grinned at Julia, "Perfect."
"No, not vandalism." Julia tugged the bandana from her face, "Art."
"In the eyes of the Lord, this is a crime." I glanced from the graffiti to my baby, the grin evolving into a playful smirk.
"Don't you get it, Max?" I shivered inwardly. I loved when she said my name, "If we were allowed our right to artistic freedom, the world would be a better place."
"Well, it'd certainly be a more colorful one, I give you that."
"No, listen to me, Big Brother," She spoke the epithet with so much contempt, I fell in love with her all over again, "is stopping us. They're creating ways of keeping us down! If they would get off our asses, there wouldn't be so many artists creeping about at night. It isn't the lowest form of art, y'know."
"I know, Julia."
"It's the most honest artform available."
"Preach on, sister!"
"You know who the real criminals are?"
"Tell me who, baby."
"Those bastards who sully our neighborhoods with their huge slogans. They scratch their advertisements into buildings and buses, and try to make us feel meager because we're not buying their crap."
"Damn straight, we're smarter than that."
"Especially you, Princeton drop-out." She returned my smirk. Oh, God. I can't begin to describe how incredible she looked in those hip huggers, that white T-shirt that didn't exactly cover her stomach.. the aviator shades, the smirk, her hair.. the gloved hand grasping the can of spray paint, the other hand on her hip..
"I was unmotivated." She laughed. There was a silence between the two of us. But it was nice. Julia tossed the can on top of the others and yanked the rubber glove off, adding it to the pile. Next came the shades. She stood, facing the field, her back to me, her arms spread out, as if hugging the cool breeze.
"Do you hear that?" She suddenly asked. I was taken aback, brow arched quizzically.
"No.."
"Listen, Maxine.. what do you hear?" I paused for a few moments, ears straining.
"Nothing. What do you hear, Julian?"
"I hear tranquility.." I stood beside her, eyeballing the smile on her face, her closed eyes, "I hear peace.. isn't it incredible, Max?" Julia looked at me.
"I don't understand, Julia."
"It's such a shame.. we've been living in the city too long."
"Do you want to move out here?"
"Maybe. We should definitely come out here more often though." Julia never ceased to amaze me. She was the only person I knew who could seem to find the beauty in something that really didn't have any. Like being out there. She did it too when we were in the city. She found something wonderful in the hustle and brustle of the city life. I didn't understand it. I was afraid I never would and she would realize and leave me. My soul wasn't universal enough for her, "I think I know where I stand.." I glanced at Julia as she spoke.
"What are you talking about?"
"I feel as if I've been forgotten in prison, and it's been safe 'til now. I've been set free. God, it's no wonder we did it this way.." I stared. What the hell was she talking about?
"Julia, I'm not exactly.."
"Max, can't you see?"
"Uh.. no, not exactly. Clue me in.."
"It's everything that is connected, and beautiful. And now I know just where I stand." My brows furrowed, and I felt very weird. Sort of like a personal paranoia. I don't know if it was what I was smoking at the time, but it was strange.
"Julia—"
"Max, you never let go."
"What?"
"Just let it go, Max.. and soon you'll be there too."
"Where? Where will I be?"
"You'll be where you should."
"Dammit, Julia, I have no clue—"
"Max," She began, forcefully, "you keep looking forward on paths sideways."
"Julia?"
"Yes?"
"I thought you could slip me the answer.."
"To what?"
"Life."
"Did I?"
"I think so.." Suddenly, she grabbed my hand.
"C'mon!" Bewildered, I allowed myself to be dragged until we were running into the middle of the field. And then it began to sprinkle on us. And we were dancing and singing as loudly as we could. I had never done anything like it before. Julia had pulled herself from me and jumped away, "Do you get it now, Max?" She shouted as the rain began to fall heavier. I still wasn't sure I understand what the hell she meant.
"Just tell me!"
"You healed my infected wound from the rusty ring, Max! Your heart isn't close enough!" I shook my head, still wasn't getting it. I couldn't tell if she was still stoned though. I know I definitely smoked more than she did on the drive, "People who enjoy waving flags don't deserve to have them, Maxwell!"
Oh, God. I got it. I understood. But how the hell could I let Vietnam go? Julia stopped the nightmares, but whenever I was alone, I couldn't help but let my mind wander to the cold nights in the jungles. They'd always be with me, "I don't want to wave my flag, Julia! I never fucking wanted to! Not today, not then, not ever!"
"Move on!" How the hell did she know? I never mentioned to her that I sometimes drifted into thoughts of Vietnam whenever I watched her sleep at night. Shit.
"I'll try!"
"No, that isn't good enough, Max!" I noticed tears began to slide down her cheeks. The rain was heavier now and soon I couldn't tell where the rain ended and her tears began, "You have to promise me you'll move on!"
"I can't! I don't know if I can, dammit!"
"You can't because you won't let yourself!"
"That isn't true!"
"Then say it! Say you'll move on!"
"I will!"
"Promise me!"
"Son of a bitch, Julia, I promise!" I took huge steps over to her, trying to manuever through the tall, wet grass. I grabbed the back of her head with both hands and slammed my lips against hers. We hurried into the abandoned wooden building and fumbled our way to the nearest dirty couch, peeling our wet clothes from out bodies and leaving a trail from the door to our location.
I really don't know if it was what I was smoking at the time, or if it was Julia's persistence, but I really haven't thought about Vietnam. Maybe it was the passion from our love making. I thought of that instead.
That night, as we cuddled against each other on the filthy couch, I nuzzled the top of her head and sang her to sleep, "Half of what I say is meaningless.. but I say it just to reach you, Julia.. Julia, Julia.. ocean child.. calls me.. so I sing a song of love.. Julia.."
"I love you, Maxwell." She mumbled before she succumbed to sleep.
"Julia, sleeping sand.. silent cloud, touch me.. so I sing a song of love, Julia."
I lost Julia. I don't know how it happened, I don't remember anything from that night. I just know she's gone. Everybody attended her funeral services, it seemed. Everybody offered me their soft, shallow regrets and empty consolations. I didn't care.
I wasn't sure what to do next. Life seemed so surreal as I watched them lower her black coffin in the earth. The cemetery emptied. The only ones that remained were the people closest to me. They all had someone they loved almost as much as I loved Julia. They tried to understand my pain by imagining their loved one going. It wasn't easy.
Jude approached me, "Hey, buddy.." His hand gripped my shoulder, "Let's go for a drink, yeah?"
Despite having lost the one good thing in my life, I knew I'd get by with a little help from my friends. I'd get high with a little help from my friends. I was gonna try with a little help from my friends. Julia wouldn't like me to spend forever mourning over her. I knew her well enough to know that much, "You coming?" Sadie asked as the group began filing away from the grave.
"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.."
"Alright.." JoJo wrapped his arm around Sadie's shoulder. I began singing under my breath.
"You and I have memories.. longer than the road that stretches ahead.. two of us, wearing raincoats.. standing solo, in the sun.. you and me chasing paper, getting nowhere.. on our way back home.. we're on our way home.. we're on our way home.. we're going home..."