Hold the Insomniac
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Fandom: Gohou Drug
Genre: It was meant to be romance, but it just came out angsty. Sigh. I need to write some crack.
Rating: PG-13
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DISCLAIMER: Um, no.
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Lyrics: Insomniac, by Billy Pilgrim.
I can see you, don't even know you Refrain: Dig my head down deep so I can't hear the cars outside on the street I can hear your bare feet on the kitchen floor
Falling into the sheets at night
I place my hands flat on my chest
I feel the heart beat back the night
I try counting sheep, and I talk to the shepherds
And I play with my pillow for ever and ever
I sit alone and I watch the clock
I breathe in on the tick and out on the tock
I can hear your bare feet on the kitchen floor
I don't have to have these dreams no more
Cause I've found someone just to hold me tight
Hold the insomniac all night
And the stars are laughing
They get a kick out of my misery
I tried everything short of Aristotle to Dramamine
And the whiskey bottle
Pray for the day when my ship comes in
I can sleep the sleep of the just again
I don't have to have these dreams no more
Cause I've found someone just to hold me tight
Hold the insomniac all night
I can hear your bare feet on the kitchen floor
I don't have to have these dreams no more
Cause I've found someone just to hold me tight
Hold the insomniac all night
Hold the insomniac all night
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He has nightmares.
Ever since that night, he's had nightmares.
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Sometimes I can't stand it. I can't stand it when I can't even get near him, and I hate it when he cries. I hate it when he walks down the stairs with his eyes red from crying a from a refusal to sleep.
When that happens, I'll do nearly anything for him to get some rest, both for his body and for mind, his spirit, and for his emotions to soothe.
It could be tested at any time.
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"Kazahaya, you roughshod idiot, what are you still doing up?"
He jolts, startled, and stares at me, amber eyes pained. Frantically, he tries to wipe the tearstains off his cheeks, and makes an attempt at seeming angry.
Stupid.
"Go away, Rikuo," he snarls, a weak tinge to his voice, "I don't want you here. Go away."
I know you don't, Kazahaya, and that's why, at this moment, I wouldn't leave even if you could try to make me. Sighing, I stride over and sit at the edge of his bed; the covers had barely been moved.
"You're a bad actor." I whisper to him, despite knowing full well why Kakei has refused to allow him to take any assignments as of late, "That will do you in."
"Shut up." Kazahaya's voice is quiet and he refuses to look me in the face, instead deciding to stubbornly focus his gaze on the wall beside me. Silent, I reach out and touch the back of his head, running my thumb over his pale cheek. Instantly, he flinches away from me. "Don't touch me!"
"Look at you," I murmur, just watching his reactions, "Look at what they've done to you."
"Shut up!"
Ah, there's some genuine anger in that one, it's almost a relief to hear it. Shoving down some slight frustration, I don't allow the sharp remark begging to be released escape my lips. As annoyed as he makes me, he doesn't need me hurting him with a misplaced tease, when I know full well that right now he would take it seriously. I lean forward.
"Don't you come near me!"
"Why?" I inquire, and he's thrown off, apparently stumped, "What have I ever done to really hurt you? Why are you taking this out on me, Kazahaya? What have I done to you?"
He muttered something under his breath, so softly that I couldn't even hear him.
"What? What did you say?"
"I said," his voice was strained, "I don't want you hurt."
I quirked an eyebrow.
"What on Earth are you on about? You couldn't hurt me if you tried." Not quite true, but I suppose we all need a lie once in a while. He doesn't respond, and when I can't stand it anymore, I lean forward again, wrapping my arms around him, pulling him close. Kazahaya struggles, but gives in rather quickly; after all, I am just that much bigger than he is. "Now, tell me what you feel and what you mean." I demand, and in those few words and rather to my horror, he completely breaks down. Hot tears soak my shirt, but I say nothing until he does. Clenching my jaw, I rest my hand on his head, rubbing soothingly at his hair, until I hear him finally speak.
"Rikuo….I'm dirty. Dirty. I'm dirty, filthy, it won't wash off. The blood, it won't wash off, no matter what, never, it won't--"
"Shhh," I don't even realize what I'm saying, mostly just nonsense that I would never in my wildest dreams ever imagine that I would say. It doesn't have any effect, if anything, it prompts Kazahaya to cling even more, fists clenching into my shirt. "Kazahaya, shhh, come on now. Shhh, Kazahaya, come on, it's okay." Like I said, nonsense.
"You don't fucking get it." he snarls, some odd mixture of furious and completely hysterical, "You don't get it at all!"
More than you know.
Of course, I also know better than to say anything at this point, and simply scoot back to the headboard, my partner in my arms. I don't let him go, if anything, I hold him tighter, and gradually, gradually, he stills, lying motionless.
"Feel better?" I ask him, keep my voice low, and there is no response.
I sigh, and upon seeing his amber eyes close for the night, finally, I kiss the top of his head.
Just another night of holding the insomniac.
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FINITE
OWARI
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