Summery: Faith has time to think things through in prison
Disclaimers: None of the characters are mine, neither is the song.
The song is by Kelly Clarkson - Addicted.
I look around, all I can see are the bars and the empty walls, just like me. Cold and dank, unloved,.. The only thing that doesn't make me completely like the prison's cells, are the fact that I have a heartbeat. But even that didn't stop me from hurting the one person who was always there for me, even when I wasn't there for her.
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek
Is misery all around
God why did I do it?! Why did I push away the only person who would ever love me for who I really am? Not Faith the rogue Slayer, but Faith the messed up person. Why couldn't I be stronger than it and beat my own personal demons? She has. She's so much stronger than me. I wish I was as strong as her. I wish I was her. No, I wish,.. I had her.
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realise I'm never gonna quit you overtime
She's so demanding. Always wanting the right thing to be done. Why can't she see that sometimes you don't have to do the right thing for humanity's sake, but the wrong thing for the sake of yourself, your soul. She cost me my soul. No, that's not true. I can't blame her. But she did have the power over me. Hell I would have given her my soul if she asked me to. All she had to do was ask,.. which she didn't. She sucked up my whole being, without even realising it. I should have told her. I should have told her how I felt, about everything, about her. But she had Angel. He blinded her. She should have realised that I could have given her everything she needed.
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing But you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in My dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
Maybe she needed the pain, to feel alive. I know I needed it. Hell, I even craved it. But she's a Slayer too, she must have felt it. We had a connection. Even in our dreams. It's like all I could see was her, B., the Slayer, my friend. No, Buffy was never my friend. How could we ever be friends?! We had a connection. From the first time we met, we clicked. I touched a part of her and it confused her. Not to mention me fondling her leg to get her stake during our first encounter. *grin* I shouldn't have been so reckless. *sigh* I shouldn't have taken the vamp out to show her I was for real, that I could be good like her, for her.
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It doesn't matter now. It's all lost anyway. Why should I try to fix things?! It wouldn't fix a thing. It wouldn't bring back the old me, ... it wouldn't bring back her.. It shouldn't either. I need to be alone. I used to be such a loner and never cared about it. Why can't I be with myself anymore?! Maybe for the same reason why she can't be with me. I messed up. I messed up so hard. But I can't get her essence to leave me alone. Her scent keeps on surrounding me, her voice keeps on lingering in my mind, her touch still burns my skin. I could chase them away, but I seem unable to do so. I can't do this. Maybe,.. Oh god, I can't believe I'm thinking this. But maybe, I shouldn't have made it. I should have died when she threw me off the roof. That should have been the end of me. I would have gone as a hero, to him, my mentor. But now all there's left of me is a shell, no part of me remaining.
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix, I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I need to see her. I need to feel her. I need to hear her. Maybe I should call her. No, she wouldn't wanna talk to me and I only have one phone call, can't waste that. But would it be such a waste?! Isn't she worth all the trouble? Angel went to hell for her, what have I done for her but hurt her?! I need to see her just one more time, fix things. Just once and no more. I know I can handle it. I know I'll leave her alone after I set things straight. But what would I tell her. God this is too hard. I can't do it. This redemption thing is hard. How does Angel do it?! I don't understand. I don't understand any of it, all these thoughts going through my mind. I wish I could just fade into oblivion. But I'll know that'll never happen. Not as long as she lives, inside of me, like a part of me, constantly haunting me. No, as long as she's there, my soul will never find solace.