"Are you even listening to me?" Superman continued annoyed. Batman didn't even turn around. Instead he went straight for the coffee in the little kitchenette. J'onn was the only one in there, opening a pack of cookies. Batman had found it funny that these "break rooms" had been the Martian's idea when they designed the watchtower, considering he was the member of the league that needed nutrition, liquids and rest the least.
Superman closed the door behind him as he entered.
"Coffee?" Batman offered as he poured himself a cup. He didn't seem to be quite as tense as the Kryptonian.
"I am being serious, Bruce!"
"So am I, Clark" he added with a hint of a smile. He accepted the cookie J'onn offered and took a bite of it before taking his first sip of the freshly brewed.
"What seems to be the problem" J'onn asked as he presented Superman with the open pack of cookies as well. Clark didn't even notice them – which was out of character for him. His Smallville upbringing obliged him to at least answer with a "No, thank you".
"Kara had this hidden under her bed" Superman snarled as he showed J'onn what was in his hand. It was a drawing of Batman in uniform, lifting up his shirt in order to pose his six-pack, a crooked smile and intense look accompanying the scenario.
"She made this?" J'onn asked impressed as he reached out for the drawing, but Superman pulled it back with disgust.
"I sure hope not!"
"Look," Batman started after he gulped down the last bite of the chocolate chip, "I don't really see what this has to do with me? And I certainly don't understand why you are so upset about this."
"You don't-" Clark started, his eyes turning red in anger and frustration. Batman didn't pull a muscle or even frown. He knew he was in no immediate danger.
"I want you to talk to her."
The world's greatest detective pulled up a chair, acknowledging this might take more than the 30 seconds he had hoped.
"And tell her what exactly?"
"That this is wrong. That she shouldn't… That it is inappropriate for her to… She is a member of the league, for Christ's sake! And only 16!"
Batman sent Clark a condescending look before sharing another with J'onn. The Martian took the hint:
"I think I will meditate in my own quarters" he stated as he stood up and left the half eaten pack of sugary snacks on the table in front of his teammates. The caped crusader placed his already empty mug next to the coffeemaker behind him and grabbed another treat as J'onn meticulously closed the door behind him. Clark immediately hit the cookie right out of Bruce's hand. In a way that hurt. That at least gave him a reaction:
The dark figure stood up, his chair falling over behind him as he straightened his back in order to come as close to Superman's height as possible. He placed both hands on the table and took great care in getting close enough for it to be uncomfortable for the Kryptonian before stating his threat.
"Calm down or I take the ring out…"
"You wouldn't" Superman gnarled back. The Bat-glare didn't work on him anymore.
"You think I carry this lead-lined pocket around just for fun?"
The evil smile, however, did.
Superman quickly glanced down and saw Batman padded a part of his utility belt that he couldn't use his x-ray vision on. That bastard.
"I didn't think so" he declared victoriously as he picked up his chair and sat back down before reaching for another cookie.
"You don't understand" Superman tried again. "Kara is my responsibility."
"I know you are acting like a redneck with a pregnant daughter and a shotgun." He pulled off the cowl as a peace offering, letting it rest flat on his back. "Could we tone that down?"
"You are old enough to be her father" Clark tried again, this time with a little less 'threating alien' in his tone of voice.
"Technically, she is older than both you and me, just pretending to be a 16 girl from Earth" Bruce pointed out, "and I wasn't the one with a picture of her under my bed."
Clark let out a sigh. Not of relief but as if he was giving up. His colleague did have a point.
Bruce kicked out a chair from under the table. His way of saying "sit". Clark did as told, placing his elbows on the table top and burying his face in his hands.
"Talk to me, Kent."
"You wouldn't understand" Clark began, finally reaching out for the cookies on the table.
"I have had three different teenage boys living in my household." He wrinkled his brow and shook his head. "I've fought Poison Ivy with three different teenage boys. I think I am to understand teen sexuality."
"It's different with a girl." Clark tried again, finishing his second cookie.
Batman reached out for his mug and the coffee pot behind him.
"Isn't that a bit sexist?"
"Promise me you won't tell Lois?"
Bruce sent him a smile. The peace offering of the Kryptonian: Humor. Now they could get to the bottom of this.
"Look, you have no idea why she even has that picture" Bruce tried. "Maybe it's a joke. Maybe she confiscated it from someone else. Or maybe it is supposed to be Dick in that picture. He has donned the cowl more than once."
"Look at the image, Bruce… It's definitely not Nightwing. This is not an acrobat's body."
Bruce picked up the picture to study it. It was more like his bulky physique than Dick's agile build. He tried a different approach.
"So what if this is exactly what you think it is? You know I would never touch her."
"It's just the thought that she would even want that" Clark explained, ripping the drawing out of Bruce's hand. "Don't you see how inappropriate this is?" He wallowed in his own thoughts: "I have to do something…"
Bruce did his best to not look irritated. He wasn't good at this sort of thing, but Clark needed him to be just that. At least for the moment. Time to change fields:
"Okay, let's look at this as a detective would: This girl is Superman's cousin. She will always be in Superman's shadow, no matter what she does, and Superman will always stand out as the perfect role model and father figure for her and everyone else. Correct?"
Superman didn't acknowledge the question, but Bruce could tell Clark listened interested.
"Now, what is the one thing all teenagers will do eventually?"
He allowed himself another mouthful of coffee before stating his point.
"Rebel! All teenagers, consciously or subconsciously, will eventually revolt. It's an important part of growing up, and only traumatized or mentally ill youngsters will miss this step in their development. You should actually be relieved – this means she's a healthy young woman."
His joke didn't budge, so he chose to resume:
"Now, Kara is a good girl. She won't join an Injustice gang or run off with Luthor."
That sole idea made Clark shiver, but Bruce continued as if uninterrupted, making a gesture with his mug to illustrate his point:
"What is the most bad she can do while still staying good? The one thing that would enrage and irritate you the most without you ever being able to condemn her objectively for her actions?"
He placed his mug on the tabletop, leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms for the finale:
"Me."
"Oh, come on…" Clark said, more annoyed that his teammate was right than with what he was saying.
"Why do you think Dick Grayson had posters with you in his room until college? Because he idealized you? Or just to piss me off?"
Clark chuckled by the mere thought of how Bruce would react to his young ward placing a patriotic image of Superman over his bed. The two of them were not friends or even teammates at the time, so the Kryptonian must have seemed like an antithesis of Batman back then.
The picture was interrupted by an almost apologetic knock on the door. Batman quickly pulled up his cowl and removed the friendly grimace from his face. His secret identity was, just like Superman's, only presented to top leaguers.
"J'onn said you wanted to talk to me, cousin?" Supergirl asked.
"Nice move" Batman thought as loudly as he could to make sure the Martian would catch the telepathic compliment.
Superman panicked a little while he reached out for the picture in order to hide it, but Batman grabbed it from under his nose.
"Superman found this in your quarters."
He handed her the drawing and found himself enjoying seeing both her and Superman blush at the haste of a speeding bullet. She tried to defend herself:
"But – I only have this because Con-" she closed her lips tight, knowing she had already said too much.
Clark got on his feet.
"This is Connor's?"
Batman decided to leave the super-family alone. He had known for some time, but he found it best that they discussed this particular subject in private. He only regretted the boy was not the one to tell Clark himself. Supergirl blocked his exit – so to speak:
"He was just afraid that Robin would find it, because he is the big detective and all, and we thought he would never find it up here, and-"
Superman flew over to block the doorway in front of Batman, making sure to lock the gate behind him.
"You don't go anywhere!"
Batman threw a glance at Supergirl over his shoulder. She mimed the word "sorry". Irritated he turned his stare back to the yet again enraged Kryptonian, mustering all the calm he could with his Batman voice.
"The boys will tell us when they are ready."
"Tell us what?" Superman demanded, quickly changing his strategy: He looked at Kara now.
"What do you know?"
"Kal, there is no need to be like this" she tried. "We just wouldn't tell you or the Kents because we know the subject is difficult for you and-"
"What subject, Kara?" he tried again, but Batman placed a raised arm between the two super beings.
"Don't tell him. Connor will do that himself if and when he is ready."
"Are you two…?" Superman couldn't even begin to assemble that image.
"God, no" Batman yelled, "The boy is a teenager. And male! Honestly, Clark, do you think I hump everything with a heartbeat?"
Supergirl let out a small giggle of pure nervousness: "You thought… You thought that this was…" She looked from Batman to Superman and back again. Clark stopped her laughter but not her smile with his harsh look.
"This isn't him" Supergirl explained in a light tone while looking at the picture and pointing at Batman.
"I demand to know what is going on here!" Superman yelled out in frustration. No anger was to be detected in his voice anymore. Just confusion.
"Look at the proportions" Batman tried while pointing at the drawn character in front of him. "Or even better, look at the white staff he holds in his right hand."
Superman's eyes widened.
"Robin…?"
Batman didn't answer but ripped the picture out of his hand. It was time this nonsense was put to an end.
"You" he pointed at Supergirl, "You have not had this conversation with us. Understood?"
She nodded.
"Take this and put it back in your room. Do not tell Connor we know, and no matter what you do, avoid this topic while talking to Robin at any cause. Got it?"
She nodded again.
He shoved the drawing into her hand and opened the sliding doors.
"Go!" he commanded and she quickly left. He slammed the door behind her, turning his attention to the still shocked Kryptonian.
"You" he began, "You do not confront Connor or anyone else about this. You do not tell 'Ma and Pa', and you most certainly don't judge the poor boy before he even has a chance to defend himself. Got it?"
Clark nodded as well. Batman could have become the perfect drill sergeant he thought to himself for the millionth time before swallowing hard.
"And what about you? Are you going to talk to the boys?"
Bruce shook his head. "We haven't discussed it, but Tim already knows my problem with his choice of partner." He went over to poor himself his third cup of coffee, giving Clark his last remark with his back turned to the man. "I don't care whether he dates a woman, man, alien, clone, plant or mineral. You don't dip your pen in company inq. He should have learned that much from Nightwing's Teen Titan days…"
He turned around, heading for the exit, Superman still standing as if nailed to the place.
"Goddamn teenagers…" he gnarled as his last say in the matter.