"Baby, please try to forgive me,
Stay here, don't put out the glow.
Hold me now, don't bother,
If every second it makes me weaker,
You can save me
From the man I've become

Lookin' back on the things I've done,
I was tryin' to be someone,
Played my part,
Kept you in the dark,
Now let me show you the shape of my heart.

Sadness is beautiful,
Loneliness is tragedy,
So help me,
I can't win this war.
Touch me now, don't bother,
If every second it makes me weaker,
You can save me
From the man I've become

Lookin' back on the things I've done,
I was tryin' to be someone,
Played my part,
Kept you in the dark,
Now let me show you the shape of my heart.

I'm here
With my confession
Got nothin' to hide no more
I don't know where to start
But to show you the shape of my heart.

I'm lookin' back,
On things I've done
I never want to play the same old part,
Keep you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Lookin' back on the things I've done,
I was tryin' to be someone,
Played my part,
Kept you in the dark,
Now let me show you the shape of my heart."

-Backstreet Boys,
"Shape Of My Heart"

SHAPE OF MY HEART
An Angelina Johnson Fanfic

Prologue

Knock, knock, knock.

Knock, knock, knock.
"Julie, please, just talk to me!"
"Go away, Remus!"
"But Julie.........."
"Leave me alone!"
"Julie, I'm....... I'm sorry."
"Sorry isn't good enough! How could you have done that to me?"
"Julie, please! Just give me one more chance!"
"You had your chance. Just leave me alone, won't you?"

Knock, knock, knock. There it came again. Who was this, that wanted to cause me so much pain? How, and why, was someone out to torture me? I was already miserable just from seeing her, but every little sound brought back another memory. Some were good and some were bad, but both, at the moment, were horrible.
Knock, knock, knock. Doesn't anyone think I should live in peace? Leave me alone.
But the words didn't really come. I just sat.
Knock, knock, knock.
"Remus, I know you're in there! Remus, it's me, Sirius. Remus, open up! Remus!"
"Go away!"
"Remus, if you don't let me in, I'll bust this door down." Slowly, I rose to me feet and opened the door.
"Come in."
"What is your problem? Why are you so upset?"
"I saw her, Sirius. After all these years. It just broke my heart. She's beautiful, Sirius. She's gorgeous. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I let her go? Why? Why, why, why, why, why? I love her, Sirius. I need her. I need her back. It's my fault. Why did I do it, Sirius? Why? Why didn't you, or James, or anybody, why didn't they stop me? Why didn't you make me keep trying? You should have told me to beg, grovel, do something. I would have done anything to get her back. Anything!"
"Remus, you're talking nonsense. What are you talking about?"
"What am I talking about? Don't you know? Her! All this is because of her."
"Her? Remus, surely you don't mean............ Julie?"

I remember the first time I ever met Julia Anastasia Montgomery. To her friends, she was Julie, but to me, she was a goddess. She was beautiful, and I was in love with her at first sight. I don't know how the curly, auburn haired, green eyed little girl captured my heart, but she did.

"Who else, Sirius?"
"But why? You haven't seen her in almost twenty years!"
"No. No, you're wrong. I saw her. I saw her, Sirius! I saw her yesterday, in Diagon Alley. She took my breath away, Sirius. God, I miss her. Stupid, stupid, stupid.........."
"Remus, just chill, okay. You're freaking out here, dude. Just relax, and tell me everything that happened."
"I'll.......... I'll try. I hadn't seen her since 1980. She worked at the Ministry then, remember? Seems she's pretty important. Sure blew me away. I haven't seen anything in the paper about her. Anyway, saw her in Diagon Alley. She's running for Minister, or Ministress, rather, of Magic. Fudge's time is up soon, and she's in the campaign. First woman to run. Imagine she's got a pretty good chance, since everyone's mad at Fudge for the awful job he did when Voldemort was back in power. Course, that was taken care of. But seeing her............ It was awful, Sirius. It brought back all the pain.......... Of course, I shouldn't burden you with this. You ought to get back, anyhow. Doesn't Stacey get home today?"
"Yeah, you're right. I hope you feel better, Remus."
"Thanks, Sirius. This helped a lot."
But it had only made things worse. Sirius still had no idea I knew.

The fire was nearly out in the Common Room that night. There were hardly any stars, and I was conveniently in the darkest corner of the room. No one could have seen me, really. I had spent a lot of time in that Common Room since Julie and I had broken up. I stayed there long after the lights were out, just thinking, praying, dreaming, hoping. As soon as the last ashes of the fire died out, I would go to my bed and fall right to sleep, but it made me feel better, seeing that fire die out. I had never stayed in the Common Room long enough to see it go out, but seeing it go out made me feel better. I don't know why, I was just weird.
Suddenly, the portrait of the Fat Lady was swung open and two shadowy figures entered the room. At first I didn't recognize them, but it wasn't hard to recognize one of your best friends and your ex girlfriend.
Sirius and Julie walked in front of the ashes and sat down.
"Thanks, Sirius. That was a lot of fun, and it made me forget about everything awful that has happened lately."
"I had a great time, too, Julie. You should have seen the look on her face! The old hag had no idea what was going on, thanks to James' invisibility cloak."
"Thanks again, Sirius. G'night."
But that wasn't the end of it. When she kissed him, I about died. Sure, I had hurt her, but it just tore me up. I still loved her, and Sirius knew that. I didn't blame Julie, it was Sirius I blamed. He was supposed to be one of my best friends. Best friend. Ha.

 The next day, two days after I had seen Julie, I saw Sirius again.
"So, man, are you still bummed about Julie?"
"Does it look like it?"
"Yeah, actually, it does."
"Sirius, I have something I need to talk to you about. It has to do with Julie. It's something I saw a long time ago."
"Sure, shoot."
"Why did you do it? Why did you let her kiss you?" Sirius' jaw dropped down.
"I....... I had forgotten all about that! Why, I don't know what happened that night, only that it did happen."
"How could you do that to me? How could you do that to Melissa?"
"You don't know anything about that night, except what you saw! She wasn't your girlfriend, and she was so upset. The whole night was Melissa's idea. She sent us out to do one of our little scams, and Julie kissed me. It wasn't my fault, and Melissa knew about the whole thing. She knew about the kiss, and she understood. Just lay off, okay?"
I realized I had upset Sirius, but he had upset me that night he had kissed me. I don't know why I really cared now, of all times. My life was just crazy.
"You're a creep, Sirius Black! A real creep! Melissa was a freak, too, if she didn't care that you kissed another girl."
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them.

Remus' words stung like a bee. The tears began to flow freely now, and the memories came rushing back.

The battle with Voldemort was long and involved, as we had known it would be, but it seemed like we were homefree when Voldemort sent out the last big blow. That spell would kill the weakened Voldemort from effort, and he sent it straight at Harry and I. My poor, sweet wife wouldn't see anything happen to me or her godson. Melissa jumped in harms way, and took the deadly blow for us. Voldemort also died then. His last words were, "If I must die, then the Potter boy will die with me." Voldemort was wrong. Someone died with him that night, but it wasn't Harry.
I cried more that night than I had ever before in my whole life. I held our small daughter, Stacey, in my lap while I cried. Stacey, who was two, did not understand that her mother was gone forever. Stacey only knew that I was crying, and she cried with me.

I had thought Remus was a kind, sensitive person, but his icy words surprised me.
"How can you say that? And you think I'm awful! Remus, that's low."
"I..........." Remus thought for a second. I took this as my chance to pounce.
"At least you can see the person you love in reality whenever you want, and you have a chance to be with her if you try hard enough, but Melissa's gone. You and I both saw her die. All I have left to help me through are pictures, and of course Stacey, Harry and Whit."
"I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean any of it. I don't see how it matters, you know, the kiss, now. It's done, over with, and I'm sorry.
"It's okay, dude. But I meant what I said. You still have a chance with Julie. Don't let her go again. Go after her, and get her back. For Melissa."
"I'll try, dude. I'll try."