People never like to talk about deceased family members (Even if they're only pseudo ones) in the past tense so soon after they've passed away. It reminds them of the loss, the pain and the heartbreak that the death had caused them. The pain gets even worse when a living remnant of them remains. Someone they have to talk to about their deceased parents. How brave they were, how much they loved their child, what they were like and how they interacted. It's hard because as much as you wish they were here so that these conversations would never have to occur, they aren't and they do.
The funeral was hard, a memorial to two slain police killed in a hit and run by a teenager who was off his face on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol. People always thought that these two deserved a better death. Him; an army ranger who had served his country proudly and when finished with the military, still decided to serve and protect even if in a different context. Her; a woman who had conquered a troubled childhood, addictions problems and various other sufferings yet still made it out of the hole that could have consumed her and became someone who people admired and who helped those who struggled against the same difficulties she had faced herself. It wasn't supposed to happen to them. They were still young, they had their whole lives ahead of them. They knew the risks of joining the force, they knew they could die at any point. It was one of the occupational hazards of being a police officer, especially in a specialised unit. Yet they didn't want to do anything else. They were both driven by the desire to serve and protect. To make sure that their city was safe. Yet instead of having an honourable death, they just became another statistic in the ongoing fight against drink driving.
The funerals were seperate, his a military send off, hers a police. It doubled the grief for their family, since they had to go through the process twice and try to explain to the little girl why all the people in uniforms were being formal and stone faced whilst all her aunties and uncles were barely holding it together. They were buried next to each other, which ironically made it easier when explaining it to the little girl since they didn't have to traipse around the cemetery. The loss though was immense, and they all struggled in different ways.
Will, who lost his brother and sister-in-law in one hit, threw himself into work. Working doubles and trying to avoid the pain that he knew would come if he allowed himself to slow down. When Goodwin sent him home, after a fortnight of very little sleep. He broke down, he visited their apartment staring at all the photos that they had displayed round the living room. The photo of Will and Jay as little kids by the lake in Wisconsin with their grandpa. The photo of Jay in his uniform with his mother, the day before he deployed. The photo of Will and Jay at Will's graduation. Jay had flown to New York to stand and cheer proudly as he had graduated Medical School. Yet the photo that caused harsh angry sobs to come out of his mouth, was the photo of Will, Jay, Erin and their baby girl on her first birthday. They all had beaming smiles on their faces, and he remembers how happy everyone had been. Yet now thats gone and won't happen again. He knows that little girl will have a family, with the combination of the Intelligence Unit, Firehouse 51 and the staff at Med. Yet biologically she will only have Will. He knows he'll be the one to continue her upbringing. Sure it'll be shared between everyone, and he knows that him, Mouse and Hank will take on the majority of the responsibility. But still that stresses him out, because he knows what amazing parents Erin and Jay were and how there's no way that he can measure up to the same standards that they had. Luckily, the little girls old enough that she'll remember her parents and that she knows Will is Uncle Will not Daddy. He knows it would break his heart if she called him that, because that title belongs to Jay. He'd overcome so much to reach that title, that he always deserved it. Will knows he'll be the one to tell all the stories about Jay as a little kid; how even though he was a small kid he always stood up for those treated badly even if he got shoved around a bit. How even though his father was furious, he understood why Jay joined the military and how even though it changed him, his morals still stayed the same. He could drown in stories of him and Jay growing up, chasing each other round the house, pretending to play cops and robbers or doctors and patients. How they'd covered for each other when they'd become teenagers, helped each other with school (Jay was always better at english than Will would ever be). How when they got older, they'd fought badly and barely spoke, yet once he moved back to Chicago their relationship had improved, he was always welcome round. They'd quite often go to a baseball game or a hockey game together. They'd reminisce over their mother and had brought traditions, such as boardgames night back. It normally happened once a month; but him Jay, Erin and Mouse had dabbled at monopoly, failed at pictionary, and discovered that games like Settlers of Catan or Game of Thrones worked best for them all. It was a weird tradition of their mothers, but Will was glad him and Jay revived it because it made them closer whilst also letting Erin and Mouse into another part of their upbringing. It was things like this that made Will glad he'd moved back to Chicago and became close to Jay and subsequently close to Erin again. Yet Will knows after an afternoon crying on the floor of their apartment, that he will always miss his brother and will continue grieving him for some time, yet he has to be responsible for that little girl and make his brother proud of him one more time.
Whilst Will ran himself into the ground at work, Hank just lost himself in grief. They'd found the kid that had done it within a few days of their death and although Hank had wanted to pummel him to a pulp, he'd remembered Jays moral compass and instead sent him to prison. Not without a few bruises to be fair, but he refrained from a trip to the Silos of the Docks. However once that was dealt with, there was just the grief. He went through the 5 stages, yet he couldn't get over the fact that he now no longer had any family except his granddaughter left. After Justin's death, Olive had moved to Detroit with little Daniel. He went up and visited every once and a while, and Olive still visited Chicago. Yet Daniel was now 10 years old, and although he still loved his Grandpa, the distance was a struggle. But now with Erin and Jay gone he'd lost his daughter and the man that he'd considered a son. Sure him and Jay had had a rough start, and they still argued from time to time. Despite this though, they'd felt comfortable around each other. They'd discovered a shared love of old cars and motorbikes. A love which Erin had scoffed at but secretly when having dinner one night just the two of them had confided in Hank that she loved that they shared that, because she could see her and Halstead being together for a long time, and it comforted her the two of them could get along outside of work. Plus Jay had done all the right things by Erin in Hanks mind, he'd kept it professional at work, he'd asked Hank for his permission, he's stuck by her even when she looked like she was near tipping point, and he'd always stayed faithful. Also even Hank wasn't blind the love that they shared and how compatible they were. How they bantered endlessly even after getting together, how small touches from one of them would calm the other down. How whenever one of them was stuck inside their head, the other would be able to coax it out of them. Yet Hank knew Jay was it for Erin, when after about 18 months of dating, Bunny had made a reappearance. Hank was ready to go deal with her, he'd gained plenty of practise over the years and in his mind he felt like he had it down to a fine art. Yet he'd watched Jay stand up to full height, and question what her intentions were and diplomatically state why now, why did she want to be in Erin's life again now? Then when Bunny faltered, Jay had simply told her to get out and never come back because those questions should be easy to answer. The edge in his voice was palpable and Bunny had scampered out of the district. Hank had stood behind the gate and just watched how once she'd left, Jay had held Erin's hand in his, kissed the knuckles and then just turned and started walk upstairs. He knew then, that he could handle her demons if he could handle Bunny in such a calm even tempered way. He'd liked them together before that point, but that was the moment when he knew he'd be giving Jay and no-one else permission to put a ring on Erin's finger. When Jay had finally proposed, he knew he'd made the right decision, he'd never seen her happier after he proposed (which was only topped by when her little girl was born). When he hosted a barbecue the following week, as a celebration he'd catch her staring at the ring with a small smile on her face and then glancing to Jay. She'd confided in Hank once or twice that she never though this day would come, growing up she'd never believed in marriage or that she could get her happily ever after. So even though the loss of Erin signalled that he'd finally lost his last familiar relation who knew Camille, the loss of both of them struck him badly. He, like Will though, knew that he couldn't wallow in grief. He still had to be Grandpa to that little girl and to continue to honour the memories and lessons that both Erin and Jay had bestowed on him. He had to teach that little girl all about her mother, how she'd had a heart of gold yet it was protected by high enforced walls that only Jay had been able to get down completely. How compassionate Erin was, and how she was equally parts terrified and excited when that strip turned pink. How when that little girl was born, he saw a new side to Erin that appeared permanently rather than only catching glimpses in cases that involved kids. How Erin despite being insecure still got along with the Corsons and understood why despite Jay and Ally being over, he still visited them at least 3 times a year. She'd even joined Jay a few times, which to Hank demonstrated both her maturity and how much she loved Halstead. Hank will tell that little girl all about raising Erin and those childhood stories that she knows Will will fill in for her about Jay. That's how he knows he will honour the memory of the Halstead's (Even though Erin never got called by that name despite it being changed formally), by being the best grandpa he can be to that little girl.
For those that didn't have that obligation to Erin and Jay's daughter, the grief was in a way harder to deal with. Will and Hank had suffered gigantic losses, but they both knew that had to show up and be there for that little girl. The others didn't have that. Mouse knew that he would always be an important part of that little girls life, he had been since birth. He was Jay's best friend, and ever since Jay and Erin had gotten involved his friendship with Erin had blossomed. They'd bonded whenever Jay started to retreat into his head and blame himself for things that weren't his fault. They'd shared stories whenever Jay had ended up in hospital, even if just for mundane things like when he had appendicitis. Will had been there of course, but he was on shift so he kept getting called away whilst Mouse just stayed with Erin talking about the time between their deployments and the adventures they'd gotten up to. By the time they died, Erin and Mouse considered each other close friends and would happily chat just the two of them whilst Jay would be doing something else. Mouse was a regular round their apartments for dinner even in the early days of their relationship. It was why he felt so comfortable sitting at either Erin or Jay's desk even when they were in the room. He knew some of the familiarity came from the fact that he knew about their fling before Erin's spiral and that they'd hung out as a group of three during that period of time as well, yet he knew it was cemented when she came back from her sabbatical and was stuck on desk duty and Mouse would help her when she'd have withdrawals at work (He knew how hard they could be, he'd gone through the process himself once or twice). For all the brains that he had though, Mouse had never contemplated what it would be like to loose the both of them. Sure, he'd imagined what it would be like if Erin died and how he'd have to pull Jay out from a deeper hole than before yet he had contingency plans for that. He knew it would be a struggle but he knew it would be possible, especially when that little girl was born. He'd never seen his best friend so elated as when she was born and he knew that he'd do anything for that little girl even if Erin had passed away. Mouse even had plans for what to do if Jay died and how to deal with Erin. He'd consulted Jay and they'd written letters, and had plans in place because they knew if she got that bad after Nadia, she wouldn't be able to cope if Jay died as well. So Mouse had plans, as morbid as they were he knew he'd be able to stave off his grief and help his two closest friends get out of their holes if their significant other died. Yet the fact that both of them went at once, threw Mouse for a loop. He didn't have anything to focus his energy on. Sure he'd looked after that little girl in the immediate aftermath, mainly due to the fact that Will and Hank both weren't capable at that point. Yet he knew that even though he would have quite a big role in her growing up and would probably babysit an awful lot since both Will and Hank worked odd-hours, he didn't have anything else to distract himself from the grief he felt. He no longer had his best friend who'd always kept him fed even once he fell into drugs after his last tour, he didn't have Erin who would mother him and constantly try to set him up with friends of friends. He didn't have a place to go when he felt down, or someone to call when a nightmare woke him up in the dead of night (because him and Jay still had a system in place, even all these years later, they knew what to do, how to calm each other down). He'd lost his main support system, because although he was part of the family, those two were his main connection. Jay was as good as a brother and Erin a very close sister-in-law. Sure him and Al got each other, and he got along well with Dr Choi and Jeff Clarke yet that was all over military connections. No one compared in friendship to Jay and Erin and now Mouse was alone again with no plan in place to help distract himself from the grief, no one to help and that was more confronting than he ever thought it would be.
Al knew grief, he'd served in Italy and he'd been on the force for years. He knew loss. Yet the force of this one surprised him. Sure he knew it would be tough, he'd been an uncle to Erin since she was 17 and he'd always been close to Jay. That shared military background and the fact that their desks were so close together helped with that fact. Yet the loss of both of them, threw him for a six. He'd seen them together outside of work and because of his stealthy nature he'd even seen the lingering touches and the small bits of unprofessionalism that they brought to work that weren't a result of stress or trauma (because during those times everyone could tell they were together, even if strangers couldn't, the unit could). He'd been like Hank, a bit on the fence at first, even though he'd respected Jay more thank Hank at the beginning. But after a few months out in the open, he could see they were right for each other. Yet the loss of both of them, only a few weeks after their daughters 5th birthday brought out a grief in Al that he didn't realise he'd had. Maybe it was to do with missing out on so much of Lexi's childhood due to both marital problems with Meredith and from being undercover for long stretches of time. Yet knowing that this young family would never get added to, or that these two detectives who Al loved would never see their daughter grow up. Jay would never get to be the overbearing father to his daughters potential suitors, would never get to walk her down the aisle, would never get to go to a father-daughter dance. And Erin, would never get to comfort her daughter after getting her heart broken, would never be there for endless hugs, wouldn't be able to talk her through puberty or just do general motherly things that may seem small at the time but are endlessly important. Al grieved for that, he grieved for the two detectives that he saw as family yet even more so he grieved for all that they missed out on and all the experiences that their daughter would miss out on as well purely because some teenager decided to get drunk and high and then stupidly decided to drive, hitting Jay and Erin on the way home from a well deserved date night.
When Antonio first met Jay, he'd struck him as brash yet someone who stuck to their morals and was a good cop. After finding out he'd taken a bullet to save Gabby, the respect that Antonio had for him went up tenfold. Yet it was learning about the depth of his military service at his funeral that Antonio finally understood why Jay was the way he was. Sure he'd heard tidbits and seen glimpses of what made Jay the way he was, yet he'd never understood the full depth. That wasn't to say they weren't great friends though. Jay had helped him through his divorce, taking him out for a drink at a bar that wasn't Molly's, watching the game with him on a Friday night after work so that Antonio wouldn't drown in his isolation. The fact that Jay trusted Antonio enough to spend money to help buy the boxing gym showed how valuable the friendship was to both parties. They worked well together the two of them, they both had strong moral compasses, even if Jays strayed a bit when it came to Erin. Erin was a different story, Antonio loved her like a little sister, no doubt about that, but he was always slightly wary due to her relationship with Hank. It had started when he'd first met her and even though the wariness had decreased until it was hardly there he still couldn't shake that tiny bit of worry he had about the lengths she would go to protect Hank. It didn't effect their relationship though, the same way that even though he had problems with how Hank worked sometimes their interpersonal relationship was still good. Yet Antonio for all his grief, didn't know exactly how to react to the news that both of them had died. Even a month on, he was still a bit in denial. He knew they'd gone, he'd been to the funerals. But at the same time, he kept expecting them to walk up into the bullpen laughing and bantering. He kept expecting a frantic call from a sleep-deprived Jay asking for parental advice like how to get their baby girl to sleep even though they'd fed, bathed, burped, changed and rocked her yet she still wouldn't stop crying. They'd had a good laugh over that the following week during a lunch break. Antonio still expected Jay and Erin to turn up for a boxing session on a Saturday morning at the gym. To see them hit the bags, and then to take turns sparring with various people round the gym before leaving together covered in sweat, teasing each other about gym attire but both with smiles on their faces. He kept expecting Jay to come up to him, ready for a sparring match and it actually being a fairly good fight (He knew Jay's fighting skills were better in other aspects, but he took pride in the fact that he could beat him in a the ring). All these occurrences plus numerous others such as seeing them in a quiet corner of Mollies chatting amongst themselves, was something that Antonio knew would never happen again yet he kept expecting them too. It kept him in a weird place of grief, a spot of acceptance but denial at the same time, and he didn't know how to move past it. How to fully accept the fact that he would never see two members of his pseudo family ever again.
Adam didn't know how to react besides being angry. He'd lost the two people who had mentored him, teased him and treated him like he was their rowdy little brother. He'd been the one to endlessly tease them about their relationship, always poking fun, always bantering with them for everyones enjoyment. Plus they all knew it was done for good fun, and that he didn't mean anything by it. They'd ribbed him back as well, for always striking out at Molly's. For all his ups and downs with Burgess, for all his other relationship drama. He could always count on them to double team him with a well placed joke when he was feeling down. They cared though, he knew they did. Whenever he was feeling lost and he knew Al would be no help, he went to one of them. Jay tried to impart some of his morals on him, some of the discipline he'd learnt from the army to try and stop Adams impulsive tendencies. Granted the discipline training wasn't the most successful but little things always stuck with him and made him into the cop that he is today. Erin showed him the true value of empathy, even though Jay often said that Erin had too much and left nothing for herself. It was still a trait that Adam admired in her, how much she cared for those who were victims of merciless crimes, how she tried to rehabilitate those who wanted help, and how she truly cared for kids. It was why he knew when she announced she was was pregnant that she'd make the best mom, because she'd care and she would make sure that her child didn't have to go through anything like she did growing up. He saw his prediction come true when that little girl was born and grew up as well. Both Erin and Jay doted on that little girl, but she wasn't spoilt, she knew discipline, she knew right from wrong and even from a young age she had morals. The amount of money she'd fleeced from him for swearing was ridiculous, yet Adam didn't care because he knew that she'd grow up to be a brave little girl who was the perfect combination of her parents. Adam had gotten angry over the fact that they'd taken, and out of all the stages of grief that was probably the one that he stayed in the longest. He was angry that two of the greatest people he knew were taken. He'd be able to justify it in his head if it was for a bust, but the fact that it was just them coming home from a night out for dinner made him mad. He'd yelled and screamed at mirrors, at one point his neighbour had actually had words with him because to the amount of noise he was making. He told her the truth though, that two of his closest friends had died in a car crash, and from then on she'd understood. He'd punched locker doors, and in the subsequent busts after their deaths he got a whole lot better at breaking doors down. He knew loosing a fellow cop was hard, he'd learnt that when his mentor at the the academy had died. Yet the fact that these two didn't die serving the city but rather in a hit and run caused anger to pulse through Adams veins. Even a month on, he was still angry and wasn't nearing acceptance anytime soon.
Kevin had trusted that Jay would always be there, like Antonio he was a stable part of the unit. Erin and Hank sometimes went off-book, yet Jay and Antonio were always there to guide the ship back to a safe place. They were the moral compasses of the team. Yet the fact that Jay was gone, and Antonio was still in denial left the team in a bit of a limbo. Hank was mourning the loss of his daughter and son-in-law, and even though he was prickly at the best of times, now Kevin just tried to stay out of his way. The team had changed dramatically, and Kevin just observed. He was devastated at the loss of course, Jay had always been a good friend to him. Always treated him well, always respected him, was always up for a game of poker and a beer on a Saturday night. They weren't the closest of friends but they were still family. In Kevin's mind, Jay and Erin were always quite closed off, they didn't let people in. Sure they were friendly and fun, but even too each other in the early days they had high walls of pain which prohibited them from fully engaging with people. Sure Mouse had been let in, but everyone else just couldn't penetrate those walls and in all honesty Kevin wasn't even sure he wanted to. He looked up to Jay, he'd been through a lot and was a great cop, but he knew that he was never going to be like Mouse so he didn't try. He was friends with them, they were close, he'd take a bullet for either one of of them, but he knew they were both guarded and he respected that. He went to Jay and asked for shooting tips, they'd catch up, they'd rib each other, they'd drink beer basically they were good friends, but he wouldn't' count him among his best friends. Erin was slightly different, she was similar to Jay in the fact that she didn't let people in, yet at times she was slightly more approachable. He'd asked her how to progress up the ranks, how to get in with the higher ups and she'd understood. She knew he loved Intelligence but he wanted to keep moving whereas everyone else was quite content to be where they were. That hadn't meant that he'd moved though, no he'd been in Intelligence for about 8 years now, he knew what a good unit it was and how very few units clicked to the same extent that they did. Yet he'd always dreamed of moving up, of getting the stripes. For Kevin, the loss was huge yet he knew eventually he'd get over it. He knew it was just part of being a cop, loosing one (or in this case two) of your own. Yet he worried how the unit would cope, he was a natural observer and when sitting in the bullpen he wondered if they would ever be the same again. No one would be able to fill the holes that Erin and Jay had left, in either a professional or personal capacity, yet would the team be able to be as effective as they once were, with one of the highest closure rates in the city. He felt the loss personally, but he felt it even more in the way that his family were just hanging on by tether hooks.
Even though Roman had been in San Diego for multiple years now, he still came back and visited Chicago at least twice a year. He still had family there and he always caught up with his friends. Jay and Erin normally hosted a dinner for the unit whenever he was back in town, and then they'd all amble down to Molly's to catch up with the staff from Med and those from Firehouse 51. Roman emailed Jay on a semi-regular basis. Asking how Erin and his little girl was, how the unit was going, how the weather was and general chit chat. He might not have liked the Intelligence Unit when he worked there, but it was never a problem with the individual members or even the unit at times, rather just the fact that it was always him and Kim that got loaned out. He knew he should be proud of that fact, that a prestigious unit valued them highly as beat cops to do jobs for them. Yet he'd still rather be on patrol at times rather than chasing down leads or picking people like Eddie up from prison. He'd like them as people though, him and Jay would often have a beer together down at Molly's, watch a baseball game on days off or even go to the gym together. He had initially been hesitant about putting up the money for the gym, he trusted Antonio sure but he'd still been hesitant. But he was glad that him and Jay had. Quite often early in the morning you'd catch both of them there, sparring and catching up. It sometimes even coincided with a run round Chicago just to keep up their fitness. Once in a while, Erin even joined them at the gym, jeering them on and then joining them for the run. He'd been hesitant about Erin at first, but once he got to know her, he valued her toughness. He saw what a good cop she made, but yet how even though she was tough she'd still be a good person to grab a beer with. Someone who could slice you apart with a few carefully placed words but also someone who knew how to take a joke. He enjoyed coming back to Chicago and seeing the two of them. When they had that little girl he'd been overjoyed. She still referred to him as Uncle Sean even though he could count on two hands the amount of times he'd seen her. She pulled on the heartstrings though, the little girl with the bright blue eyes and the sharp jaw. With a happy go lucky personality yet she was still as sharp as a whip. He knew that the unit would grieve, but ultimately they'd pull through to look after that little girl. He'd flown up to Chicago especially for the funerals. He knew he couldn't miss out on those. Even if it did feel a little weird standing in civilian clothes, he knew he wasn't alone. At Jays the whole unit was except for Mouse who had his military gear on, and at Erins the whole unit had their formal uniform except for Mouse. He knew Mouse was suffering and had offered his condolences. He'd seen how close Mouse was too the family of 3, and Jay had warned him one night after a couple of Beers that if he ever died that Mouse would be left in a tizzy. Jay had left it at that, but Roman figured there was more to the story but didn't press. Roman noticed though at both the funerals and the subsequent drinks at Molly's that no one was coping well with the deaths, none of them knew how to mourn both of them at once. He was glad there were drinks though because it was after everyone had had one too many that all the stories came out. The ones he'd missed out on and even some where he played a crucial role. Hermann talked about how Erin would quite often be called late at night to have to help Jay out of the bar because him, Mouse and Will had decided that shots would be a good idea. Otis talked about the opposite, how he'd seen Jay fireman carry Erin after a night out with the girls and her having one too many glasses of Rosé. It wasn't just them drunk though stories of them walking out hand in hand, or his round her shoulder or back caused everyone to reminisce. The stories all varied yet they all helped to emphasise how much the two of them loved each other. Roman had gone home after the funerals yet he still kept in contact with Kevin who kept him up to date with how everyone was coping.
Trudy Platt had lost a lot of officers in her time. Yet these two affected her the most in recent years. She had to keep touching up her mascara whilst trying to remain as tough and hard-ass as usual. She'd seen Erin grow up, to go from a troubled street kid, to a loving wife and mother. She'd watched her come into her own and be a damn good cop. She'd made sure she always had a nice ID photo and always tried to make sure that her and Jays re-qualification was at the same time since she knew how much joy they got out of that. She'd doted on their little girl whenever she got brought into the station and would happily babysit if they got called out to go on a raid. She'd continuously teased Halstead even after knowing him all these years. Calling him chuckles never got old and actually became a running joke for them after a while. She was shocked at first when Hank allowed them to be together but after seeing them together, and catching some of their more private moments when they were comforting each other in the locker room she understood Hank's decision. She always remained a professional relationship with them, it was part of the job of being Sergeant, but if they ever saw each other at Molly's she'd smile and wave, maybe have a small chat if they came over. She'd run into them a few times grocery shopping, seeing how different they were outside of work. Jays hand firmly placed in hers whilst he pushed the trolley, the small touches whilst waiting at the register before rushing off to grab something that they'd forgotten. She'd even seen them at the park with their daughter once or twice when her and Mouch had gone for a nice long walk. She'd stood and watched for a bit before going over and saying hi. Observing how one would push the little girl on the swings whilst the other took photos or guarded the bags. She'd even heard from Mouch how they'd brought the little girl to the firehouse one day, letting her climb in the fire truck and pretend to be a firefighter. Mouch had commented how happy they seemed and how the smiles they had were contagious around the whole of 51, how even the new candidate didn't mind making food for a few extra people when he saw how much joy the little family brought to everyone. That story had made her smile, and reinforced just how much they'd be missed. She felt sorry for the little girl yet she had faith that the extended family that the Halstead's had cultivated would be enough even if they couldn't fill the whole left by the parents. Trudy had vowed though that her, Burgess and the girls from the firehouse would make Erin proud. They'd help her get ready for school dances, they'd teach her how to do makeup, they'd all try to fill in for the jobs that should have been Erin's. Truly knew she'd always miss those two detectives who had both been through do much, yet every time she passed their plaques on the front wall of the district she knew that she'd do everything in her power to make sure to that they'd be proud of their family.
Kim always counted Erin as a close friend, being the only other female cop besides Platt in the district at the start of her career allowed a friendship to flourish. Times may have changed and she's had female partners since then, but being the only two females early on meant that she'd gone to Erin for advice on more than one occasion. Kim wasn't Erin's best friend she knew that, that honour was split between Jay and Annie, yet she knew she was a close friend. She'd been at the small wedding, she'd been in the waiting room waiting to see if it was a new baby girl or boy (Jay and Erin had found out previously but refused to share that tidbit of information just to infuriate the unit), and she'd been a frequent visitor as the little girl grew up. But now the Halstead's were gone, taken way to early. Kim knew she'd miss the nights out with Erin, whether they just went to Molly's or if they went out to a nightclub. She'd never again get to try to force Erin to the theatre to see Shakespeare. She learnt her lesson after the first time, although slam poetry had been semi successful (she still can't figure out if that was because of the event or if it was because Jay proposed the night before). Going to concerts had been a successful venture though, Erin had even brought Jay for some of them, and it was fun just the three of them. Even after multiple attempts, Kim had finally been able to drag Erin to Lollapalooza. Sure majority of the unit plus some of firehouse 51 and some staff from med had joined them, but Kim would never forget the look of happiness on Erin's face both throughout the event and at the end of the night. After that, they made it a yearly occurrence. They'd tried the shopping thing as well, because as much as Erin and Annie were close, Kim had the girly touch and was way more pushy in terms of fashion, plus Annie always had travis to look after unless she could get a sitter which was a rarity. The shopping was normally reserved for rare occurrences though, normally round big anniversaries for Jay and Erin, first dates for Kim or the occasional black tie gala. Granted it wasn't just with Erin that Kim had shopped, Jay had enlisted her help from time to time but it was still a rarity for her to shop with either one of them. Nights out were more there thing, on the few times Kim had gotten semi serious with someone they'd even double dated. She'd received very thorough reports the next day of whether Erin approved or not, if someone was abhorrent Jay even chimed in with his two bits worth. She liked that though, she trusted their judgement because it had done well for her in the past. She loved observing the two of them though, how when leaving Jay would place his hand on the small of Erin's back, how they'd intertwine their hands under the table on a night out with the unit, how they'd both always be watching the others back. She still remembers going to surprise Erin one day quite early on in their relationship, and Jay just lying asleep on the couch totally content. Erin had laughed but Kim had spotted the indent in the couch, Erin's bed hair and the haphazard blanket which clued her onto the fact that just moments before Erin had been right there asleep with him. She would miss having that female friend though, the one who would work her hard at the gym yet who balked when Kim suggested Zumba. Kim had converted her though and soon it was a regular Tuesday night occurrence. Kim would pick up Erin and Natalie and they'd meet Sarah, Sylvie and Gabby down at the studio for a class with Cruz. It sometimes led to dinner, it sometimes didn't but they formed a little friendship group. They'd even branched out and tried Pilates and Yoga as well, especially during the summer when classes were held down by the pier. They had fun the two of them, and Kim knew that it'd be that friendship she'd miss the most. The loss of a great cop was devastating sure, but loosing such a strong friendship was heartbreaking. Kim would miss Jay as well though, although him and Erin were never that couple that was joined at the hip he was a constant in Kim's life both as a result of work and because of Erin. He'd be the one who'd shake his head even whilst smirking when she'd say something dumb or do something stupid. He'd also be the one to offer small smiles of encouragement if she did something well. On the nights out as a unit he'd always give her the time of day for a chat, and even when him Erin and Kim went out as a group he wasn't solely focussed on Erin. Sure he always had eyes on her even if it was just on the periphery but he'd payed attention to Kim. She has multiple blurry memories of crashing on Jay and Erin's couch after a night out with Erin. With Jay leaving a glass of water and some aspirin on the coffee table in front of her. He'd even learnt what hangover foods best worked for her, Erin would always crave tacos, but pancakes worked for Kim. So every time this happened she'd wake up to the smell of pancakes and tacos plus the strong smell of coffee. She'd even got used to almond milk after staying there enough. Because she could guarantee if Jay made coffee almond milk would be used, Erin would use regular but if Jay made it, almond it was. It was these little quirks that Kim knew to expect of Jay. The little quirks that she'd never get to experience again. Kim's grief would come in waves. Some days she'd be fine, she'd be missing them but she could deal with the loss in an abstract way. Mainly by compartmentalising but it worked for her. Other times something would remind her of one of them and she'd break down. It happened with even the most benign things such as new books being released or someone finally touring. Having to sell tickets to upcoming gigs was harder than Kim imagined, she'd tried to recruit others to go with her but they'd all had either work or commitments or purely just didn't like that type of music and didn't want to go. Kim knew she had to keep Erin's memory alive though so she didn't disregard all the activities they did together. Plus she knew that their little girl would want the memories so when Kim wasn't working she devoted her time to scrap-booking. Sure she hardly had a creative bone in her body but she knew that that little girl would want to know what her parents were like when she was older, stories that weren't age appropriate for Jay and Erin to tell her whilst they were alive. So Kim hunted through her photos, through Jay and Erin's. She even got everyone else to help her. Matt had photos of the two of them at a picnic that they'd gone on with Gabby and Louie. There was photos of the girls at Zumba and on nights out. Photos from the wedding and from various birthdays. It's how Kim funnelled her grief. She knew she had to be productive so her and Platt worked hard and even now it's still a work in process, but at least she knows she's keeping alive the memory of Erin and Jay.
Their little girl lost the most out of Erin and Jays death. She'd never grow up with her parents instead she'd be raised by a combination of aunts and uncles. At five years old she knew who her parents were, she remembered what they were like. She'd started preschool, she'd made friends and everything was steady but now the rug had been pulled out from under her. She just knew they were gone, her mother wasn't there to play princesses with her or to race her to the water when they went to the beach. She wasn't there to chase her round the apartment or to sing Disney songs with her, because as much as her father tried he could never sing like Elsa or Jasmine. He did okay with the Lion King and some of the male led songs from Aladdin, but it was her mom that she went to when she wanted to sing. She had fond memories of driving up to Wisconsin singing. Because the cabin was in Northern Wisconsin she'd been able to nap as well as sing her way through multiple soundtracks. She remembers the cabin, they'd gone there on long weekends or when her parents got time off work. She remembers swimming in the lake, with her father splashing water on her. She remembers floating on pool toys that they'd blown up to flow on the lake. She got told stories late at night about how when she was younger she'd get strapped to her fathers back and carried through the woods, up to a nice lookout where they'd sit for hours. There were photos all around the cabin of her as a little girl, her running round the lawn out back whilst her mother sat in one of adirondack chairs behind her, both with ginormous smiles on their faces. There was even a photo of her sitting a canoe with her father, she had a little lifejacket on but her smile had been contagious. Things like that would never happen again, sure Hank or Will might take her up once in a while, or even Mouse but it would never be the same. She would never get her father reading her night time story to her, making their way through a variety of childhood classics from Winnie the Pooh, to Enid Blyton to The Little Prince. They'd even just started on Harry Potter, a chapter each night in the illustrated versions of the books. Her parents wanted her to be a reader, and so far she was living up to what they'd hoped. Her room was filled with books, she was bright and intelligent and wanted to learn. She'd quite happily watch documentaries with her father especially the animal ones. The little girl would never get to go on weekend adventures with her parents again. Sometimes to the fair if it was in town, she still has the giant teddy bear her father won at the ring toss which sits pride of place on the chair in her room. The family would venture down to the beach in summer, lapping up the rays, swimming in the water, building sandcastles with moats. They'd gone to parks and playgrounds running around all three of them playing tag. She remembers her father picking her mother up, putting her over his shoulder and spinning when he'd caught her once. She remembers him pretending that he was an aeroplane and then all three of them doing aeroplane movements and noises around the grassy area of the park. She remembers trips to the district, sitting with Sergeant Platt eating a cookie and then going upstairs and sitting in the break room with a colouring in set. She'd been happy there, she could see her father and if she moved near the fridge she could see her mom as well. Mouse had quite often come and sat with her as well, bringing his computer in and entertaining her. She loved Mouse, he made her laugh and always called her the Minnie to his Mickey. She'd even got to sit in Grandpa's office when everyone was just doing paperwork. She'd sit on his lap and he'd tell her stories about what was happening at the precinct and what silly antics everyone was getting up too. She remembers winter and playing in the snow, creating snow angels, having snow fights, building a snow man, going sledding. She even remembers going up to the cabin one time when it was snowing, and the three of them iceskating on the frozen lake. Her mother being shaky and hanging onto her father hand with both of hers, her father holding her little hand and guiding her along. it's a faint memory but she remembers it fondly, plus the photos down the hallway in their apartment sure help. Although she doesn't realise it now, that little girl doesn't realise exactly how much she's lost. Jay will never get to be the protective father, he'll never be able to teach her how to drink responsibility even when she is underage. He'll never be able to teach her to drive, to show her how an engine works, to take her to sporting matches, to be there for graduation days and sports carnivals or recitals. To cheer her on proudly in whatever she decides to do. Erin will never be there for that hug when her and her first boyfriend break up. She won't be there to coach her through how to deal with friendships that dissolve. She won't be there to help explain puberty and how to be careful. They won't be able to do mother-daughter shopping dates, or mother-daughter lunches. Both her parents won't be there to teach her self defence, they won't be there to help her with maths or chemistry homework. Granted they might be clueless themselves but you can guarantee that they'd research and watch youtube videos to find out, that Jay would call Will to teach him basic chemistry and then impart those lessons on to his daughter. They won't be there to help her build a volcano for the science fair. They'll never be there to impart their musical tastes onto their daughter, to take her vinyl shopping, scouring markets for old gems. She'll miss out on Sunday morning trips to the markets to pick up their vegetables for the week, plus a nice loaf of bread for the day. She'll miss out on seeing Jay haggle with the venders, whilst Erin picks out the best pieces of fruit. She'll miss out on their cooking, the failed experiments or the successful adventures. She won't get to see her mothers attempts at decorating her birthday cakes. Sure she got 1-5 but she won't see the rest of them, others may try but it won't be her mom. The little girl won't get to see how pure the love between her parents is, how even though they may disagree at times, the love they share and the love that they have for their daughter still triumphs above all. These are the things she'll miss out, sure she'll have her memories, and she'll have all the stories her family tells her plus the scrapbook from Kim, yet she won't have her parents and thats the most devastating loss of all.