/AN
This is a songfic, inspired by In The Shadows from The Rasmus. A good song, and I recommend listening it for the sake of your reading experience. You don't have to, and you can even ignore the lyrics, but it'll be better. Just sayin'.
Now, I'm warning you, fron now on there are SPOILERS for s4e3, The Wicked Day. This takes place at the scene from the end of that episode, when Arthur talks to Merlin after Uthers death. It may be a bit OOC, but I feel that Merlin has to feel like this at least once in a while. I would. And it's angst, so be warned.
All right, all right, here's the fic. Enjoy!
In the Shadows
"Magic is pure evil."
That's all it took.
Merlin knew that Arthur must hate magic now, after what he'd done. Uther was dead, and to Arthur, magic was to blame.
But…
This was supposed to be Merlins moment of victory, as Arthur accepted magic. And everything was ruined. The opposite had happened.
And something inside Merlin snapped.
No sleep, no sleep until I'm done with finding the answer.
He had done everything he could to do what was expected of him. To return magic to the kingdom, and after everything he had done, Arthur hated magic. Whenever something good happened, something that might convince Arthur that magic might not be all evil, something bad happened to prove otherwise, and destiny was yet again further away. One step forward, two steps back.
Won't stop, won't stop before I find the cure for this cancer.
But what else could he do? He had a chance to help people, people of his kin. Someone had to do it. Someone had to get Arthur to see magic in a new light. And that someone was Emrys. And Emrys was Merlin. Always has been, always will be.
Sometimes I feel like going down, I'm so disconnected.
But it was so. Hard. And sometimes, when life kicked him around, and no-one understood, not really, he felt like… Giving up. Walking away. And then he would remember that he actually liked it here. He had friends, and Gaius, and of course he had the Prat. So he stayed. But it didn't make it any easier.
Somehow I know that I am haunted to be wanted.
And for everything he gave, what did he get? Thanks? Appreciation? A few hours of rest every once in a while? No. He got an axe hovering over his neck at all times. One wrong move, and he was dead. Hide who you are, act when no-one sees.
I've been watching, I've been waiting in the shadows for my time.
And he was sick of it. Sick of hiding in shadows while saving everyone, again and again. It had continued for years now. When would it stop?
I've been searching, I've been living for tomorrows all my life.
Some day. It had always been some day. Some day magic would return, everyone would know the truth and he would be appreciated. But when would it come true? What if there was no 'some day'?
Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! In the shadows.
And what if there wasn't? It wasn't like he could do anything about it. He had options, sure. Each worse than the other.
He could leave and never look back. And go where? His life is in Camelot. There was nothing for him in anywhere else, even in Ealdor.
He could tell Arthur everything and hope for the best, and by the look of things now, die by his sword. Even if Arthur wouldn't kill him, things would never be the same again. Arthur would never trust him.
Or he could stay, keep on going the way he'd gone until now and take whatever destiny threw at him next.
Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! In the shadows.
They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe.
There had been various sorcerers who had told him that for as long as a Pendragon would rule, he would have to live in fear. They said he was a fool to trust Arthur. That Arthur was just like his father.
But I, I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave.
But they were wrong. They were blinded by hate, by revenge, by thirst of power. And Merlin could never follow someone who was so controlled by those feelings. So he followed Arthur. But now…
Sometimes I feel that I should go and play with the thunder.
And still, even as he believed in Arthur, he had never told him about the magic. But how he wished he could. Many times he had felt that he should just throw all the caution in the wind and just trust Arthur.
Somehow I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder.
Because if he didn't do anything, who would? What would change? Nothing. Nothing would change and Arthur would always think that magic is evil.
I've been watching, I've been waiting in the shadows for my time.
Maybe it was time for a change.
I've been searching, I've been living for tomorrows all my life.
Maybe today could be 'some day'.
Lately, I've been walking, walking in circles, watching, waiting for something.
He had tried to be subtle, to let things roll on their own weight. And where had that left him?
Feel me, touch me, heal me, come take me higher.
He gave everything for Camelot, and he just wished that someone, anyone, would notice it, notice him. Even once.
I've been watching, I've been waiting in the shadows for my time.
I've been searching, I've been living for tomorrows all my life.
I've been watching!
I've been waiting!
I've been searching!
I've been living for tomorrows!
Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! In the shadows.
Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Oh-oh! In the shadows.
I've been watching, I've been waiting in the shadows for my time.
I've been searching, I've been living for tomorrows all my life.
And just as Merlin decided he couldn't take it anymore, that he would tell Arthur everything and trust, trust Arthur, trust destiny, he looked into the prince's eyes and his willpower crumbled. Because it was still Arthur, and he had still just lost his father.
So Merlin said nothing, and kept on going the way he'd gone until now.
AN/
I told you it's angst.
Now, I hope you enjoied it, and I hope you will show that by giving me some reviews! This is my first fic here, so comments will be appreciated. What do you think? Let me know! :)
With luv, Mer