Title: Under the Swaying Branches
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairings: Shannon/Sayid, Shannon/Boone, Jack/Sawyer
Genres: Romance/Drama
Rating: Mature (Language)
Summary: Shannon can forget about her past and start over - be anyone and anything - and Sayid is the path she chooses, even if her brother decides to stand in the way.
A/N: Written for Rare Women Fanfic Exchange for gaialux. I offered to write and was going to go through with writing something for Supernatural, which is my usual fandom; however, your request for Shannon inspired me to get back into Lost, which was my first ever series, and helped me to remember how much I really do like her as a character. So thank you for that and I hope you enjoy.
To be honest, sunbathing isn't her favorite pastime.
Shannon's just bored most of the time and feeling useless doesn't make her feel any less bored. She could offer to help, but she doesn't think it'd do much good considering how little she actually knows how to do, as Boone keeps reminding her.
Nope, she'll just lie here in the sun and accept being a fuck-up, act like she doesn't care about anyone or anything because if anyone sees the scared little girl inside of her, waiting to be rescued not just from this hellish island but from herself, from the shitty turn her life has taken, then it's all over and done with.
She won't be able to face the world again after that.
Shannon didn't ask to be this way, didn't ask to lose her father and to stumble around in the dark, trying to be good enough and failing. If Boone takes away her pain for a short while then she'll use him and then discard him when she's bored. She's a human being, she needs release.
Painting her toes isn't necessarily fun either, just a necessary distraction from the new home she's found herself in. She waits for Boone to return, to criticize her again; somehow it makes her feel better, and maybe it's because it's become routine. Shannon likes routine.
She glances up from her newly polished toes to lose herself in the sparkling ocean and catches Charlie watching her. He's not that far off, and she takes in his damp hair and weighed down, clingy clothes until he smiles at her. She looks away after that. Most of them here would think she didn't know his name, or didn't recognize the gesture of him catching her a fish as a sign of potential friendship.
They can all doubt her and underestimate her, she doesn't give a fuck.
She would have imploded a while ago if she did.
She walks the beach sometimes and no one notices her. Or if they do, they don't dare confront her or even offer to join her. They keep their distance as if she's not just worthless but dangerous, and Shannon's too tired most of the time to care.
Shannon watches them, eavesdropping on conversations when she can. It's not that she's vindictive, just curious. She would bet that she catches more of what goes on on this damn island than anyone else does. She watches facial expressions instead of paying attention to the actual game when Jack and Sawyer play poker, and she sees the light, brief touches they give each other when they walk away.
She knows what it's like to be in love, ecstatic but unable to decide where to throw that energy, burning yourself out trying to be discreet, living in a world of denial.
The girl with the painted toes and the short skirt sees what others don't, and knows one day that she'll be able to use it to her advantage.
But then, one day when she's walking on the beach, sand burning hot underneath her feet and causing her toes to curl slightly, someone comes up from behind her. She doesn't look immediately over at him, just catches the gist of who has dared to join her out of the corner of her eye.
Sayid.
She doesn't know where it came from, or why it ever existed in her in the first place, but all of a sudden Shannon feels speechless and friendly and appreciative, like a huge gnawing weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Everyone ignores her except for Boone, who couldn't even if he tried. Sayid though - he doesn't take an interest in anything that will end up being a waste of his time. He's thoughtful and intelligent and giving, three things that she will never have the capacity to be.
Shannon doesn't understand it until she finally does, but that doesn't come until much later.
"Do you enjoy walking alone, or may I stay?"
Polite, always so polite. It's something she demands but doesn't deserve, and she's never gotten it from anyone, will never get it from anyone else in her life but him.
She doesn't respond, which is Shannon's way of saying that she doesn't know how the fuck to deal with this turn of events.
"I hope my observing of you from underneath the coconut tree wasn't unwarranted."
Shannon's so shocked that her mouth nearly drops open in response. She has never noticed him watching her, could have never even imagined it. Shannon lives her days like a dream on this island, but Sayid is looking at her with such honesty and confidence that she knows this isn't a dream.
"You've been stalking me?" It comes out sharp and wrong - which never happens to her - because she wanted to say watching instead of stalking. She bites her lip and hardly thinks it matters though; from what's she learned since she's been here, Sayid is the best at detecting a lie, and his smile reveals all.
"Perhaps I have. Does that bother you?"
She opens his mouth, but it takes a few seconds for any words to come out. "Boone'll..."
"Boone will what?" He quietly answers her, taking her hand in his own and causing her to stop. They're far enough away that no one should be able to see what's going on, but Shannon's not sure of anything anymore. "I suspect you are capable of handling yourself without your brother."
Shannon shivers at his words, but it's not from fear. She likes Sayid from what she's seen of him so far, and if he keeps on going then Shannon fears she won't be able to stop herself from wanting all over again.
"I am."
"You are," and it feels like Sayid is indulging her, and she wants him to indulge her again. She feels like more of a person when he looks at her, and it's the strangest thing but Shannon will take whatever she can when she can get it. "I am not afraid of sharing," he adds, and Shannon wonders just how far she's supposed to take that statement.
After those words he walks away, back towards civilization, leaving her alone on this beach with her thoughts and her desires. He lets her watch him walk away.
Shannon smiles, and she doesn't even realize how screwed she is until it's entirely too late.
The next morning, Boone comes out of nowhere to grab her hand and pull her into the jungle.
Having Sayid always at the forefront of her thoughts is a new thing for her. His handsome face and the way he is with her - generous and sweet - greets her as she wakes and coats her mouth with a sugary taste all day long. She hears him say her name in her dreams and she knows there's nothing else she wants.
He's her way to start over.
Thinking about Sayid nonstop is a brand new thing for her to love, and she hates that she's rudely interrupted by her brother, who hasn't had much to say to her lately and hasn't wanted anything to do with her either.
He drags her a ways and Shannon doesn't know why she lets him, maybe it's because she desperately wants Boone's attention, or maybe it's just because she wants to know what the hell he looks so pissed off about.
When they finally stop, Boone looks around for a few seconds before being convinced no one will be a witness of this. He finally turns to face her.
"I want you to stay the hell away from him. Do you hear me? He's dangerous and more than that...," he gets up in her face and Shannon is torn between shoving him away or pulling him forward, on top of her, to kiss him. "You're just gonna end up breaking his heart anyway."
She picks her best option and shoves him away, "Fuck you, Boone."
"Oh, I'm sure you'd love to." He backs off but still paces around her. Shannon hates him so much in this moment, hates who he's been on this island, as if he's always right, as if Shannon has no chance to start over, to be a better person... "I'm sure it's just exactly what you need to help you cope with being here. Really lil' sis, I'd be heartbroken if you weren't thinking about it."
She does think about it, but Boone acting like an asshole all the goddamn time kinda turns her off.
No one can blame her if she wants Boone the way he used to be, always running after her, always being just that one step away from shoving himself on top of her. She gave him what he so desperately wanted once, but now she wants Boone to herself, for one night, if only to put him out of her mind and move on to better things.
No one can blame her if she turns defensive. "You have no right to accuse me of anything, and you have no right to tell me who I can and can't talk to."
"Stop acting like you're ten years old, cause I gotta tell ya, it got annoying ages ago."
"While you're off in the jungle doing hell knows what with Locke, at least I'm out on the beach trying to make meaningful relationships." Her voice has risen considerably in the last few seconds, but she is so sick of Boone telling her what a waste she is, reminding her that she's not trying. She is trying and if Boone was around more than he would see that.
See how much she wants to be herself again.
Boone shakes his head and laughs for a minute before turning deadly serious. "Is that what you're calling them these days? Do him a favor, Shan, and don't drag him into your pathetic, fucked up life."
The thing is... she already has.
After she jealously witnesses Jack chuckle and smile at one of Sawyer's biting remarks, after she watches until Jack waits for everyone to leave before he brushes a stray strand of hair behind Sawyer's ear, who blushes at the doctor and swats his hand away - Shannon finds the coconut tree and sits under it alone.
She feels brave today and with Boone off playing in the jungle with Locke, she has no pressing reason to keep her meticulously crafted mask in place.
"Ah," Sayid smiles as he comes into view, "I was wondering when you would join me."
"I don't know what you're trying to do," Shannon replies nervously, her hands worrying at her shirt. The wind brushes against her and she tucks her hair back behind her ears next, trying to still her shaking hands. "But I'm not going to put up with your games. If you want something from Boone, then just tell me so I can move on with my life."
Sayid looks at her long and hard then, she can feel it but she can't meet his gaze. "If I wanted anything from your brother, then I would ask him."
"There's nothing you could possibly want from me." Shannon says it as if she's surer of that than of anything else. Really, she's not so sure of anything anymore.
"Your company, for starters." Sayid's smile seems larger and far more promising than the ocean, and if Shannon is being played here - manipulated - then she's a fool for not realizing it and walking away. "I see how lonely you are, Shannon." She loves how he says her name, as if it actually means something. As if she's a person who actually matters. "I'd like to do something to fix that."
"To fix me, you mean." She shakes her head, but inside she's nodding because she wants Sayid to be there for her. To fix her. "You don't know anything about me."
"No." Sayid smiles at her warmly, "But I would very much like to."
If Shannon isn't taken entirely off guard by that statement, then nothing will phase her.
Sayid isn't around so much the next day or two, leaving her to go back and forth in her mind between pushing him away and giving in. On the one hand, pushing him away wouldn't be good for her, it would just put her right back on the path she's trying to steer herself off of, but Sayid might be better off getting let down quickly.
On the other hand, Shannon isn't so sure she can let Sayid go that easily. Not without a serious fight with herself and everyone else on the island for that matter.
She feels an urge to return back to what's normal for her, and it's so tempting given the polish on her toes is nearly all chipped off, but when Shannon sets herself to repainting she can't stop herself from continuously looking up and watching everyone else. Sawyer's reading whatever is on his list today, Kate's talking with Michael and Charlie, and Hurley's standing out by the water, headphones pulled over his ears and a CD player in his hand. Looking at all of them just makes her feel more lonely, which is why when she catches sight of Jack nearby working on something, she sighs, puts away her nail polish and gets up to confront him.
Jack is sweating from the heat and panting from exertion, but he looks up at her and smiles. "Hey, Shannon. What can I do for you?"
"Actually," she smiles a little back. "I was wondering if I could do anything for you?" She's been around Jack with and without Sayid plenty of times to feel comfortable around him and know that she likes him. He's a good man, plus the whole love-hate relationship he has with Sawyer is pretty amusing to watch.
Jack is taken off guard by her question, but he recovers quickly from it. "Well, I was just finishing up here. Then I was gonna head to the caves to collect some water, so you can help me with that if you want to." He looks up at her carefully as if expecting her to decline, bolt, do whatever the hell it is she's supposed to do.
"Sure."
She copies Jack and fills a backpack with water bottles, feeling good about herself and her decision when she puts it on. Jack takes the lead and she's relieved for it; ever since Claire was taken she's been really freaked out about anything having to do with those caves. She'd rather be in the sun anyway, close to the ocean, closer to civilization then they would be if they stayed in the creepy as fuck jungle surrounding them.
Shannon shivers, but Jack looks back at her and smiles and she feels okay again. She hefts the backpack higher and continues on. Who knew water bottles could suddenly feel so heavy? They weigh down on her like...
They're at the caves finally and they get to work. Shannon stays close to Jack but not too close, she doesn't want to appear too weak and vulnerable. After a while, she realizes Jack has been looking over at her every once in a while and she glances over.
"Can I ask you something, Shannon?"
She nods, wondering if Boone's words are going to come out of Jack's mouth too.
He wipes his dripping nose with the back of his hand, screwing the cap back on the last water bottle. Shannon finishes up too, zipping her backpack closed but remaining on the ground. "What made you decide to help me today?"
She shrugs, "I don't know. Just figured I should start contributing, I guess."
Jack stands up and she follows in his lead, and when she's at eye-level with him he puts a hesitant hand on her shoulder. She let's him. "Well, I really appreciate it. You did a great job today."
"I don't need you telling me I did a good job," she snaps before she can stop herself. "All I did was fill up a bunch of water bottles. It takes a real genius to do that."
Luckily, Jack's smile doesn't break, "You're right, you don't. But I like to acknowledge good work when I see it, no matter how easy the work is. You have a lot of potential, Shannon. Promise me you won't put it to waste. Sayid sees it too and I'd hate for him to be wrong." He nods once then, as if realizing his work is done, and walks away.
Shannon barely registers that she's still in the caves as she watches him, supposed to be creeped out and practically running back to the beach. She doesn't move an inch though.
"I have some advice for you too, Jack!" She shouts after him after a moment of thought and he turns around.
"What's that?"
"Stop pretending you don't love Sawyer. Do you think anyone on this island actually cares? You said yourself, our past lives don't matter, we can be whoever we want to be now. So be happy." Jack thinks about that for a second and then nods again, smiling gently before walking back off towards the beach.
Now she just has to convince herself to open up more to Sayid.
Shannon does end up leaving the caves, after a while. She's surprised to say that she doesn't feel so scared anymore, instead she feels revitalized.
The days she spends with Sayid translating Rousseau's maps are the happiest she's had since being thrown onto this island, maybe even the happiest she's ever had in her life.
"Thank you." She only continues when Sayid looks up at her in confusion. "For convincing me to do this, for believing in me." All she's ever wanted was for someone to believe in her. Maybe Boone does, and maybe he would say it if he wasn't so busy criticizing everything she does, but Sayid came to her when he could have gone to anyone, and even though he upset her the other day, she knows that he believes in her.
She doesn't know if she can repay the favor, but maybe she can try.
"You want to walk on the beach with me again tonight?"
Sayid's hand settles on top of her own, and this time she's not afraid to face him. "I would love to."
Boone shut her out and she's upset. He has never abandoned her, has never not come for her when she needed him. But now - he's been so distant lately and there's this pit in the middle of her stomach, this empty hole that can't be filled.
She needs him, just as much as all the other times she's needed him. Except now it feels like more, now it feels like the end and it's tearing her up inside.
Shannon feels terrible for snapping at Sayid, but when doesn't she feel horrible over pretty much everything she does and says?
His face screams concern and his arm comes around her carefully and gently but she can't take it. She shoves him away and starts walking, having no idea where the hell she's going and honestly not caring.
"Shannon!" She doesn't turn around at first, but when he starts to plead she can't refuse him. "Shannon, please!"
"What?" She cries, "What do you want with me? Why can't you just leave me alone and forget about me?" She's practically screaming now but she doesn't care, she has to get away from all of this. This island is suffocating her. "Haven't you heard already? I'm useless and stupid and..."
Sayid gives her a small push forward and suddenly she's out of the jungle, her tear-stained face tilting upward to see a brilliant sunset playing out before her. Shannon balances herself and wipes her tears away with the back of her hand, trying to catch her breath until Sayid wraps his arms around her.
"If you were useless," he whispers in her ear, "do you imagine I would be here right now?"
She shakes her head and smiles, letting out a long suppressed breath as her sob morphs into a surprised laugh. The sky is beautiful before her, on fire and alive above the barely moving ocean.
"I know you care for me, Shannon. So let me care for you."
She tunes out her surroundings and turns around to kiss him, hands holding his face, lips moving against his own fervently. She is so desperate to feel worth something, so frantic to start again that she doesn't think she's been breathing properly until this moment.
Sayid isn't even an arm's reach away anymore; he's right here, holding her tightly as if she's the only thing that matters. It doesn't matter who they were before crash landing on this island, it only matters who they are now. Their arrival here has changed everything; rather than cry over it Shannon is ready to embrace it and start over.
She breaks away for air and hugs him tightly, and even though the sky is darkening quickly her eyes are not.
They are filled with fire.
Opening up to Sayid about her life and about her brother feels right. It feels right in a way that she hasn't felt in ages. There is no guilt to be found when she's with him, she doesn't have to pretend to be someone else or obsess over what she might say. Sayid loves her for who she is and she's determined never to be selfish enough to push him away.
She knows how she feels about Boone, knows it will only ever be a fraction of what he feels for her. She's fully prepared to stress this to Sayid but he seems to already get it. As far as Shannon's concerned, there is no one in her life or on this island for him to be jealous of.
He has her heart and he always will.
Boone is dead. Boone is dead and she can't breathe knows she needs to breathe but can't breathe.
She finds the beach with her stumbling feet and the coconut tree with her wandering hands, and she sinks down in the sand underneath its shade. Shannon leans back into an unflinchingly warm chest and lets strong arms wrap around her trembling form.
Sayid's warm hand finds hers and her entire world slips away, too far out of reach. Shannon realizes that she really did love her brother with her whole heart after all, in every way imaginable.
"Boone. I'm sorry."
It's the only thing she's ever said about him that she actually means, and she wishes more than anything that he was still alive so she could say it to his face, so she could tell him how lucky she felt to have known him, to have had him rescue her countless times.
She can't say anything at the funeral, there are no words that can express who Boone was and what he meant to her, no words that can cease the pain or be a sufficient means for saying goodbye.
He is gone, will never come back gone, will never be able to save her again gone. And she's just been in her own head this whole time, taking advantage of him, trying to convince him that she loved him and herself that she didn't. She can't remember how it got to be this way, can't remember all the time that passed, the way she shifted into someone else, someone manipulative and uncaring.
There is nothing she can say to go back, no words or actions taken that could reverse her mistakes.
She loves Boone, misses his adorable bed head and his arrogant smirks and the way he would open up for her eyes alone like a flower when he felt loved by her. She even misses him berating her for the littlest things, for sunbathing and painting her toes and walking on the beach. She wants him to come up to her again and distract her from making sense of what she has with Sayid.
Shannon knows she's being selfish right now, wanting Boone more than Sayid, wanting Boone's words and his fingers through her hair and not Sayid's, but the man who has seen her and considered her from day one doesn't say a word, doesn't hold her too tightly and doesn't touch her too much.
He holds her in his arms, carries her in his giving heart and it's enough.
She wants to tell Boone that he would have been enough too.
She sees Walt and she follows him frantically, runs into the jungle until she can't breathe and can't feel Sayid behind her. When she trips she barely feels it, not even when she hits the ground hard, but she can't have Sayid's hands on her, can't have her helping him.
He doesn't care about what she needs, doesn't care that she has to find Walt, that this is the one good thing she can do, that Walt needs her just like Boone needed her and she is not going to abandon him too.
"I need you to believe in me!"
"I do believe in you."
He doesn't though, he says it but he doesn't mean it. He thinks Shannon's a joke, just some scared little girl who's hallucinating, who can't get her priorities straight. She wants to scream at him that she can't do this herself, but she realizes it's worse if Sayid is really following her because he feels obligated and not because he's inclined to believe her.
"You don't! No one does. They think that I'm some kind of joke." Why don't you? "They think I'm worthless." But I'm not and finding Walt is going to prove that. I can do something good finally.
"Shannon, you are not worthless."
Shannon shatters on the inside because she knows the truth. "You say that now, but you don't... you're just going to leave me." I know it. Stop lying, stop pretending. "I know as soon as we get out of here you're just going to leave me." It's inevitable, and I'm the sucker for knowing it all along but choosing to deny it.
"I will never leave you. I love you and I believe you."
Shannon's world melts away at that, "You do?" She knows Sayid isn't lying, knows she's seeing him in the right light. There is such honesty in his eyes and it's written all over his face, such love that she can't possibly pretend it doesn't exist. If Sayid does believe in her, does love her, then there's truly nothing else to say.
He's followed her this far, which means he's going to keep following her.
"I believe you."
They wrap their arms around each other and the world goes silent. There are no more whispers and no more sightings of Walt, and Shannon decides to give it up for the day and head back to the beach with Sayid. Maybe she's giving him what he wants, but it doesn't matter because she knows Sayid will go wherever she goes.
They stumble back onto the beach just as the rain stops, Sayid pushing wet hair off her face, kissing her forehead gently.
"I love you, Shannon."
Exhausted and soaking wet, she pulls herself into his embrace. "Sayid... I love you too."
Sayid continues to keep her close as he brings them back to their private sanctuary, rearranging the tarp and gently pulling them down onto it. They lie still for a while, voices not too far off lulling them into a comfortable silence. Shannon can't go to sleep though, even despite the gentle waves of the ocean lapping up the sand, even though Sayid has put her at much needed ease.
She opens her eyes in frustration, immediately sees Boone and starts, gasping loudly though miraculously not waking the man beside her. She pulls her head up but doesn't sit up, afraid to disturb Sayid.
His smirk is so familiar and so missed that Shannon aches all over.
"You always get what you want, don't you, little sis?" She can't answer that, there are no words in her that will escape, no way to tell Boone what she needs to get out of her, what she needs him to know so badly. "You do love him, don't you, Shan?"
"I love him." She somehow manages to get that out, even though it's not the only thing that matters now.
"Then what are you doing talking to me?"
Boone seems to be fading away at the edges a little so she reaches for him - not close enough to touch him even though she desperately wishes she could - and speaks again, forcing herself to form the words. "I love you too, Boone. I always will. There will always be a part of me that does. You left too soon and I... we didn't get a chance to start over. I wish we could have... I wish..."
I wish we could have been a family. Boone was her family.
He puts a finger on her lips and she can't really feel it, but somehow she does. Somehow it's all she can feel at this point. It's a tingling sensation, one that warms her from head to toe.
"I know," he smiles softly at her. "I knew all along. I don't need convincing."
"Please don't leave," she begs him because she doesn't know what else to do, because she knows she means every word she's saying now. "I need you."
"No, you don't," he shakes his head sadly. "You don't need me anymore." His fingers brush against her cheek and she can feel that too, and his touch seems more vivid than it ever had when he was living. "I'm proud of you, Shannon. Move on with your life." He glances down at Sayid, "You earned him."
Sayid wakes up as soon as he disappears, looking up at Shannon in concern. "Shannon? What's wrong?"
"Nothing." She smiles at him, worn out though relieved. "I just... I think it's finally time for me to start over. I think it's finally time for us."
Sayid smiles tiredly and wraps an arm around her, pulling her back down beside him. Their noses brush and Shannon's eyes close, finally at peace, finally feeling like this is where she should be, that she is supposed to have this after all, have him.
He saved her, just like she always knew he would.
Her new life is here, on this island, in his arms. She's not going to waste it.
FIN