Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.
A/N: This is probably my longest one-shot. I wrote this from Tori's Pov. I would like to apologize in advanced for any grammar mistakes that I might have. I did some research about Tori's condition so hopefully I have all the information correct. This is also an emotional story. I truly loved writing this. I hope everyone enjoys reading this and I would like to know what you thought about it.
(Tori's Pov)
You know, I forgot the last time that I actually laugh. I'm not talking about one of those laughs that I do every day but a real one. A laugh that comes from the heart, a laugh that takes my breath away.
Contrary to popular belief I have my insecurities when it comes to love, I dislike feeling weak, but most of all I hate the way that I am.
"Tori! Hurry up! We're going to be late!" Trina screams and I give a dry chuckle, I still don't understand how we're related.
I hurry up and make my way down the stairs, there's no one waiting for me. There's no one to tell me to have a good day.
I don't know when I started to feel like this, I used to believe that I could make it "Shine" but I don't know how to.
As my mind continues to go to my darkest places I hear the honk of the car, and I ran outside.
"Finally! What were you doing?" Trina asks.
I give her a small smile. "Sorry I woke up a little late today."
"Another nightmare?" I hear concern in her voice, I wonder what my friends would think if they knew she's the nicest one out of the two of us.
I shake my head. "No, I haven't had one of those in years Trin."
She starts the car and looks one more time at me. "Tori, you don't have to lie to me. I know about it you know."
"There's nothing wrong Trina." I don't see why she makes a big deal out of it.
She's going to scream at me, just like she always does. "Tori! How can you say that! You have a special condition! I have to take extra care of you. Why don't you see how dangerous it actually is!?"
I have wondered that too, but what can I do? It's a condition that's been with me since the day that I was born.
I don't answer her instead I turned and look at the window.
"Tori, why don't you tell your little gang? It will make me worry less you know?" I look at her and I could see how hard she's grabbing the steering wheel, she's upset.
"It's not healthy to keep it all inside. I'm worried you know? What if you got into an accident? What if you get cut with something? You won't even notice the pain, it scares me Tori."
I know it does, you have taken care of me since you were a child. You grew up too fast, sis.
"It's okay Trina, I always keep away from any sharp objects, and I'm always nice to everyone so I don't get into any fights. If I do end up getting hurt I pretend that it hurts, just like when I got tackled by the gorilla, in the Gorilla Club." I do wonder what it would feel like to feel pain but I can't tell her that. She would freak out more.
"That's not the point, we both know you didn't went to Sherwood, you were home school. I know you have an amazing voice but I was less worried when you were home all day."
"Accidents happen everywhere Trina, it just so happened that I have really good luck." I answer and I know she's going to blow up any second.
"Tori! The first day of school Jade poured ice coffee on you! You wouldn't have even notice if it was hot instead of cold!"
"But it wasn't Trina. I know, I'm not normal. I know that I lack some emotions thanks to this. I'm not afraid of getting hurt, and if it wasn't for the fact that you cared so much. I know I would be so careless. So please trust me, I know it's hard for you. But I like going to school. For once in my life I have friends Trina." And she didn't say anything after that.
When we finally arrive she goes back to her usual careless self, but I know that she's just pretending.
"Tor! Hey come here." I turn to see Beck pulling me to Jade.
"Isn't a girlfriend supposed to trust her boyfriend?"
"I'm not doing this." I answer as I tried to walk away but Beck grabs my arm.
"She should shouldn't she?" Beck asks me and I nod.
"Who cares what she thinks." I so don't want to get in between their problems. And without thinking I do something that surprises the three of us.
I point to Jade as I looked at them both. "I agree with her. This is your relationship so stop putting me in the middle of it." I see Beck's calm face engulf in shock and Jade's pierced eye brow raised.
I don't wait for their answer as I walk away from them. I looked at my arm where Beck had grabbed me. I check that I do not have a bruise. Once I make sure that I do not have anything. I go to my locker and grabbed the jacket that Trina leaves me in case of emergencies. I put the jacket on. If I have this it will be harder for someone to actually give me a bruise. It's not like it would cause me any harm having a bruise but it would be hard to explain why it doesn't hurt me when someone touches it. By doing this I'm avoiding unnecessary trouble. I don't want anyone to know about my condition.
I make my way to Sikowitz class only to stop in front of the classroom. I take a deep breath and fake my smile. I take my seat as Sikowitz enters from the window once again.
"Today class we're learning" and that's all he says before my cell phone rings.
"Sorry I got to take this." I tell Sikowitz and he nods. All the teachers know about my condition they had to so they could learn how to "help" me.
I leave the classroom and I lean on the wall next to the door.
"Hello." I answer and I hear my doctor's voice.
"Hello Tori this is not a bad time is it?"
"No. Is something wrong?" I ask her.
"No. It's just that you didn't show up for your checkup. I was a bit worried." She answered. She has been my doctor since I was little. I smile a bitter smile. She's like an aunt to me.
"I forgot, I'll" and she cut's me off.
"I know you're tired of this Tori but we have to make sure that you're okay. We have to check that you're healthy. I know it's hard for you but please come this afternoon." I sigh as I close my eyes.
"I will. I'm sorry for all the trouble." I hang up before she could tell me that there's nothing to apologize and that it's not my fault that I'm like this. I 'm sick and tired of hearing the same thing over and over.
I don't enter the classroom instead I make my way to the janitor's closet. I know this is where Jade likes to hang out so no one will come looking for me here.
I open the door to see Jade crying I close the door behind me and I silently put my hands around her waist. She pulls me tight and I put my chin on her head.
I don't say anything as I hold her. I know that she and Beck probably had another fight possible even broke up. I wait for her to calm down but before she can, she harshly pushes me away. My head hits the wall and Jade looks at me with a worried expression. It seems that I wasn't the only one that heard the loud sound of my head hitting the wall.
I touch the back of my head and it doesn't surprise me when I don't feel a thing. I check to see if I had any blood on my hand, and just my luck I did.
"Vega, I, are you okay?" I hear the concern on her voice but I don't answer as I continue to look at my hand. I'm bleeding, I hit my head pretty hard, but I don't know how to react. Should I scream? Should I tell her that it isn't as bad as it looks? There's at least fifty different thoughts passing through my head but the moment Jade decides to do something about it I make my decision.
Jade takes her phone out she's probably calling the ambulance but I grab her hand and stop her.
"Vega give me my phone back!" I shake my head as I take my phone out of my pocket. I immediately call Trina.
"Tori what's wrong."
"Trina I'm in the janitor's closet I hit my head on a wall and I'm bleeding. I think I'm okay "and that's all I say as she hangs up on me.
It takes Trina only a few seconds to arrive. "Tori!" She screams as she sees my wound.
"We have to take you to the hospital come on." She gently takes off my jacket and tells me to put it on the back of my head.
I look behind me to see Jade; for once she's concern about me. I'm happy that she cares, but she shouldn't worry, it was an accident. I give her a small smile. "I'm fine, don't worry." That's all I say as we leave.
Trina drove so fast that we arrived at the hospital in record time. She asks for Angela, my doctor, and she immediately checks my head.
"It's just a slight concussion. Are you sure that you're fine Tori? It doesn't hurt?" I shake my head, and I touch the bandages.
"I don't feel anything." She gives me a small smile as she nods her head.
"That's good. I mean it's bad that you don't feel pain but it's" I shake my head.
"I understand. Don't worry."
"Since you're here already should we do your check up?" She asks me.
"Might as well." I answer and soon enough all the normal tests start.
"Okay we're done." I check the time on my cellphone and just like I expected it, the school day had ended.
"Can I go now?" I ask. Angela nods her head as she looks at Trina.
"Like I said before she only has a slight concussion but I still want her to stay home tomorrow and make sure that she takes it easy." Trina immediately agrees.
"Of course. I'll make sure that she does." She gets super protective of me. She acts more like my mother than my sister.
Trina holds my hand as we leave. "I'm not a little kid Trina."
"You'll always be my little Tori." She tells me as she opens the car door for me.
She gets in and she immediately hugs me. "Tori, I was so worried. You should have been more careful."
"I know Trina. I'm sorry." She shakes her head and kisses my forehead.
"It's okay you didn't do anything wrong, so don't apologize . It's not like you hit your head on purpose. What happened?" She asks me as she starts the car.
"Jade pushed me and" Trina doesn't let me finish. I knew Trina was going to over react, but this is a little too much.
"Jade did what!?"
"It was an accident Trina." I tell her but she isn't listening.
"An accident!? Who in their right mind pushes someone against a freaking wall!?" She won't listen to reason, so I let her scream all of her frustration.
We arrive home and she finally manages to control herself. She knows that she tends to ramble when she's upset.
"Okay. Start from the beginning." She asked me as she makes me lay down on the couch, she gently puts my head on her lap. I'm laying sideways so I can't see her face, but I know she's truly concerned.
"I received a call from Angela, and I didn't feel like going back to class. So I decided to go to the janitor's closet. No one would disturb me there." Trina hummed in response. She moved my hair out of my face.
"Did you have any kind of pain? I know you don't feel it but did you notice your body not acting it should? Or where you tired?" She asked.
"No. I just didn't want to go." She didn't say anything but I know that she was truly concerned.
"And Jade was there?" She asked me, I was thankful that she changed the subject.
"Yeah. She was crying, she probably broke up with Beck again." I told her.
"So he's free!?" She asked me and I try to move my head but she put me into place.
"Trina!" She laughs and I would probably shake my head if I could.
"I'm joking, Lil sis." She tells me.
"Yeah his free, probably. Anyways I didn't want to leave her alone like that so I hugged her. She didn't say anything at first she probably didn't even notice it was me until a few minutes later." I tell her.
"And she pushed you when she realized that not only were YOU the one hugging her but YOU also saw her cry." I smile. It's still surprises me how Trina acts like an obnoxious girl but she's actually a really nice girl, she's also extremely smart.
"Yeah. See it really was an accident, Trin." I said as I slowly stood up.
"I don't care, she shouldn't have done that. It could have been worse, Tori." I hugged her and she puts her head on my shoulder.
"I'm fine. Please don't worry about it. She didn't mean to do it. I promise, I'll be more careful. Please Trina, don't be sad." She gently moved away her face was in front of me and she smiled.
"It's incredible how they say that you wouldn't be able to understand feelings, since you lack the feeling of pain. You wouldn't feel pain even if you broke your arm or leg, and you wouldn't even feel pain if you burn your tongue with a hot drink. Yet you have always been so nice to everyone, even to people who don't deserve it. I'm really proud of you." She tells me as she hugs me so tight against her.
I hugged her back with the same strength, Trina has always been there for me. My mother never got closed to me, at first I didn't understand but as I grew up, I realized that she didn't want to get so attached to me. Her fear of losing me kept her away from me. Father is always working, so I rarely see him. Even when I do he always talks about his pride and joy; Trina. Trina always fights with them, she doesn't like the way they treat me. So she always takes my side, even when she didn't want me to attend Hollywood Arts High School. She let me simply because she saw how badly I wanted to go.
"Trina, thank you." She shakes her head.
"No, thank you, my little Tori. Thank you for always listening to my nagging, and I know that you're tired. But please don't give up." I don't say anything else as I continue to hug her.
We stayed there for a few minutes and we would have stayed longer if it wasn't for a knock on the door.
I let Trina go and I make my way to the door but Trina stops me.
"Tori, where do you think you're going?" She asks me as she pushes me back to the couch.
"I was going to answer the door." I tell her and she shakes her head.
"No, Angela told you to take it easy." She says and we hear the knocks getting louder.
"I'm coming! I'm coming!" She yells as she changes her personality back to her other self.
"What are you doing here?" Trina ask, I turn around to see Jade pushing her out-of-the-way.
"None of your business." She tells her as she enters our house, she sits next to me.
"Are you okay?" I ask her. She look's shock before she shakes her head.
"Vega, you're the one with freaking bandages in your head. And you're asking me if I'm okay?" I smile.
"Yeah. So are you?" I ask her again. She looks at me once again before nodding.
"Yeah, I think so." I wanted to ask her why she was crying but Trina decided that she had enough of being ignored.
"So why are YOU here? Did you decided that pushing Tori like that wasn't enough?" I know Trina is upset but she's going a little overboard.
Jade doesn't answer her she just stands up. She's probably going to leave but I grabbed her hand before she could.
Both of them look at me and I smile.
"Trina enough, I told you that she didn't mean it. And Jade could we go to talk in my room?" Jade looks at Trina and then at me and she pulls me up.
"Let's go." She puts her hand around my waist as she helps me up the stairs, I could have told her that I didn't need any help but I know that she's probably worried even if she doesn't admit it.
"Tori, are you sure?" I hear Trina ask me and I nod.
"Yeah, Trin. I'll be fine." She knows that I don't let anyone near my room, and she knows that this is not the first time Jade has been in it.
The reason I don't let anyone near it, it's because it's mostly plain. I don't have any sharp objects, or anything that could cause me harm, and it's surprising how many things are dangerous.
We arrive at my room and Jade helps me to sit down on my bed. She looks at my room and I pat the side next to me.
She raises her eyebrow but takes a seat. We don't say anything and it's a little awkward but not uncomfortable.
"What the doctor said?" She asks me and I look at her confusedly.
"About what?" She shakes her head.
"You hit your head pretty hard didn't you?" She smiles that little smile of hers but I can see that she's truly concern.
She points at my bandages. "This." She says. Oh right.
"I just have a slight concussion nothing serious." I smile and she doesn't say anything, she keeps looking at me.
"What?" She shakes her head.
"I always thought you would freak out if you saw blood, but you didn't even looked scared." I nod, she had a point. I do act like I'm scared of a lot of things, including those scary movies she loves so much. But by doing that I can avoid unnecessary problems.
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me." I tell her.
"Really? I'm pretty sure I know a lot about you." Now it's my turn to raise my eyebrow.
"Like what?" I ask.
"You love to sing, you dislike seeing someone sad. You make it your mission to get into someone else business even when you're not wanted. You're annoyingly happy. You're also allergic to Bush Daisies. Should I go on?" She asks me.
Well she knows the most basic stuff. We only found I was allergic to those flowers because they almost killed me. I didn't feel any different not even when my skin started showing red marks, and I ended up having a really high fever.
I ended up staying in that hospital for almost a month. Trina was extremely worried my parents had to drag her out of the room every day, since she had to go to elementary school, I still remember how sad she was.
"No. You know some of me but that's common stuff." She smirks.
"Oh I didn't know you had any secrets, is it something embarrassing?" I shake my head this topic was getting off-hand. It was time to change the subject.
"Are YOU okay?" I ask her she looks at me with her deadly stare. She wasn't happy for the change of subject.
"Do we really have to talk about it?" She asks and I nod.
"What do you want to know?" She asks me.
"What happened?" I ask. She looked surprised for a second but she immediately composed herself. She probably expected me to ask her why she was crying. But when it comes to Jade I need to watch what I say or she could avoid the question.
"Beck broke up with me. It was obvious that whatever the hell we had going on wasn't working out, so he decided to end it. Both of us were having feelings for different people. But even though I knew it, it still got to me." I gently take her hand and intertwine our fingers. She doesn't say anything and I don't expect her to.
"Sorry about this morning." She looks at me with a confused expression.
"You're sorry about what?" She asks.
"About telling you guys to stop putting me on the middle of your relationship." I tell her and I try to let go of her hand but she doesn't let me. She starts tracing lines with her free hand as she keeps mine in place.
"It was about damn time you did." I look back at her and she smirks.
"Vega, you never say no. You're always helping people out, and sometimes they take it for granted. They expect you to stop whatever you're doing to help them and it was good that you finally did something, my reputation would be ruined if I had to do something about it." I smile and she squeezed my hand before letting it go.
I can still see a glint in her eyes, she's still hurting, and so I decided to do something about it.
I stand up in front of her she looks up at me with her pierced eyebrow raised.
"Come on give Tori a squeeze." Jade doesn't move she keeps looking at me so I use my puppy dog pout.
"Please." Jade gives a loud sigh before she pulls me to her, because I'm standing up she ends up grabbing my waist, I lean down and she puts her head on my shoulder . I put my head on top of hers and we stay there for a few minutes. I start to play with her hair, and she hums in response.
"Sorry." I look down at her and she had her eyes closed, but I knew what she meant. She was apologizing for pushing me.
I pull her tighter into me and she hugs me back just as tight.
"Don't worry about it. I'm okay." I tell her and I did something that probably surprised us both. I kissed her head and I felt her body stiffen only for a second.
I immediately tried to let her go but she holds me closer to her. I didn't expect an answer so I returned to playing with her hair.
""Are you really?" I look at her and her eyes were searching for an answer.
"What?" I asked her and she lets me go. She stands up in front of me, her deep blue-green eyes burning deep into my brown ones.
"Vega, why did you looked so calm even though you knew you were hurt?" I looked at her one last time before turning.
"It didn't hurt." Of course it didn't, how could it? I can't feel any pain. She grabs my arm and turns me to her side.
"Vega, don't lie. I pushed you pretty hard." I give her a bitter smile.
"I'm not lying Jade. It didn't hurt." She grabs both of my shoulders and she squeezes pretty hard.
"Are you telling me that this doesn't hurt either?" I shake my head.
"It doesn't." As soon as I said that I felt her finger nails piercing my skin. Her eyes kept looking at my face for any sign of pain, but there wasn't and there would never be.
I push her hands away from me and I laugh, a bitter laugh.
"I can't feel it Jade, I'm pretty sure that even if you kept digging your nails dipper I still wouldn't feel a thing." I tell her as I walk to the mirror. I look at my shoulders and I can see the red marks with a little blood.
I walk to the bathroom and she follows me. I get a cloth and start to clean the small wounds but she doesn't let me.
"Let me do it." She says and I nod as I let her clean my wounds.
"Why?" She asks. Why? Why can't I feel anything? Why was I born like this? Why? There's too many.
"Why what?" I ask her. She doesn't answer me until she's done.
"Why can't you feel pain?" She asks me as I turn around to face her. Our eyes lock and I remember what Trina said, about me telling them. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if someone knew?
I grab her hand and pull her back to my room. I sit on my bed and I pull her, silently asking her to sit down by my side.
Once she is next to me she pulls my hand to her lap and she starts to rub small circles on them.
"Well I was born with an illness, or actually a condition." I tell her and I take a deep breath, I never thought I would tell someone especially Jade.
"It's called congenital insensitivity to pain, or CIP for short. It's a condition that practically makes me unable to feel physical pain. I do notice when I touch something cold or hot, it feels weird in my skin, but if I'm not careful I could actually be burning myself and I wouldn't know. For example if you climbed a tree and fell, and let's say broke your hand, you would immediately scream or call for help. And you would be scared or a little apprehensive. That would make you not want to climb the tree again, but if it was me, even if I fell and I noticed that my hand was bend in an unusual way. I wouldn't scream, it wouldn't hurt me, so I wouldn't be scared. I could probably walk home without knowing how dangerous that could be. But between Trina and my doctor telling me to immediately call them if something seems strange, or if I have a cut even if it's small. I have learned to distinguish when something is wrong with my body." I never looked once in her directions I kept my eyes on the floor. She didn't interrupt me, it was like I was just talking to myself. The only sign that I was not alone was Jade's hand in mine.
We didn't talk for a few minutes, I think she was trying to process everything that I said. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, it was kind of nice. For some reason I have always trusted Jade maybe it's the way that she always follows her heart that she isn't afraid of anything, even when she could end up being hurt. It's amazing to see how the emotions she hides are the emotions that I want to feel. We're opposites but not like everyone thinks.
She hides behind a mask because she doesn't like to express her emotions, she doesn't like to feel things. While I hide behind my mask and try to express the emotions, emotions that I barely have. I want to feel things.
I mean it's not like I'm a robot. I do feel happy, I do feel sad, and angry, and confused, and the only pain I feel is my emotional pain. It hurts not being normal, I will always have this condition, but it feels like I'm slowly giving up. I have done my research not many people have this condition, but the once that do barely live enough to tell the tale. Our life is slowly in danger because of simple things. It makes me wonder how some people don't realize how important it is to feel physical pain. Most want to not feel a thing. But they don't know how hard it is to live like this. I don't want to always be watching what I touch, what I eat, what I do, it's too much. The only reason I try is because of Trina.
"Look at me." Jade tells me and I slowly meet her gaze. She slowly lifts her hand and wipes away my tear. I didn't even know I was crying.
"I don't know what to say, Ve-Tori. I know it doesn't seem like I like you much, but you are a important to me, and I know that I'm probably one of the few people to know about this. So I want you to know that I'm proud of you. It probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but I still want to tell you how amazing you are. I don't know how you manage to smile or how you're so nice to everyone, when you of all people were born with a condition that separates you from everyone." She tells me as she pulls me to her lap, I grab her tightly and I cry silently into her shoulder.
"But I don't want you to think that it is a bad thing, your smart, Tori. You know how different you are, and you don't have the luxury to take this life for granted, because it could cost you your life. I'm so proud of you, I'm so lucky to have you in my life." She tells me and I cry harder as I ask her why.
"Why would you be so lucky? We're always fighting." I tell her and she chuckles.
"But we're not really are we Tori? I push you to be a little selfish and you push me to be a little selfless. We help each other out, and even if we fight we're always there for each other. If someone were to hurt you I know I would hurt them back just like I know if someone hurt me I know you will hurt them. Even if you're nice, even if you don't understand physical pain, you still feel emotions. You hate seeing someone in pain, you hate seeing someone sad, and you will do anything to make everything right. That's one of the things that I like about you. You are especial Tori, not because of your illness, but just because you're you. I'm lucky because you came into my life, you notice me when everyone looked away. You were always there even when I insulted you. You looked past my cold attitude and you reached for my heart." She tells me and I feel my heart beating faster, I never felt like these before. It feels nice and I feel completely happy. I like knowing that Jade cares about me, I like knowing that she will always be there for me, I like knowing that she lets me in. Even when she's mad. I like everything about her.
I think I like Jade, or maybe it could actually be love?
My thoughts get interrupted when she kisses my head. "I told you that Beck and I were falling for different people, and I wasn't lying Tori. I can't tell you who his falling for, but I can tell you who I fell for." She tells me and I slowly raise my head until we're only centimeters apart.
"Who." I whisper and she leans in and gives me a kiss. It's not aggressive like her normal attitude, it's actually slow and sweet. Our lips dance against each other before she pulls away.
"I love you, Tori and I want you to know that you will not have to suffer alone. I will be here by your side as long as you want me, and I will take care of you. I will make sure to help you with your condition. From now I will make sure that you're always safe in my arms." She tells me as she gives me a light peck and once again I start to cry as I hug her and tell her over and over that I love her.
I'm the happiest that I been on my life. I always thought that if someone knew about my condition they would feel pity for me, or maybe they would leave me, never in my life did I thought that they would love me. For once in my life I feel special, I feel normal, I feel so loved and I know that I will always feel like this with her.
Jade said that she was lucky that I came into her life, but I think it's the opposite. I was the lucky one.
I was lucky to have met her, to get to know her, and lucky to have her love me.