Author's Note: I was digging through half-forgotten folders on my computer and found this. Originally, it was part of an multi-chaptered story that was supposed to track the epic love of Jack and Ianto so if it feels like you've missed something, don't worry about it because there was nothing to miss. The first four chapters of the original story will never see the light of cyber day. Now, let's watch Ianto's first day kick Gwen's first day's butt!

Pronunciation Note - Spinacktigen sounds kinda like spin-ack-tih-gehn, all short vowel sounds (I think. I dunno, I was terrible at phonetics!).

TW TW TW

Ianto Jones was late for his first day of work. He'd planned and plotted his way into Torchwood Three and now, when all of his plans were coming together, he was late for his very first day. Not the best way to impress a man who was reluctant to hire you, Ianto thought grimly as he hurried the length of Roald Dahl Plass. He'd meant to be here an hour before this, but he'd overslept after the excitement of catching the pterodactyl last night, and then something had gone wrong with Lisa's life support, and he'd had to fix it before he left.

Now, Ianto was flushed and just a little out of sorts as he hurried to the tourist office that was the secret entrance to Torchwood Three. He'd never been inside the building before and was more than a little curious about what was inside. He knew that Torchwood never did anything half way. It would probably look just like any other tourist office in Cardiff, but Ianto couldn't erase pictures of chained alien captives beneath the counter from his mind.

Pausing just outside the door, Ianto straightened his tie and jacket. With a final deep breath, he put his hand on the door knob, opened the door and walked inside. He blinked, almost blind in the dim light, and glanced around. The room around him was undoubtedly a tourist office. There was absolutely nothing to indicate that this was the entrance to a super secret organisation dedicated to fighting aliens. The walls were lined with posters for various destinations, and piles of bright brochures were everywhere.

A woman was seated behind the counter with an open book in front of her. She didn't look at Ianto as she said, "You can go in. Jack's been expecting you."

"Um, thanks," Ianto muttered. The woman's hand disappeared beneath the counter and suddenly, a section of wall was swinging open.

Trying to appear cool and professional Ianto went through the secret door. A badly lit stone corridor stretched before him. The door behind him closed softly, making him glance nervously at it. At the end of the corridor was a lift. As he walked towards it, the doors opened, and Ianto stepped inside. The lift started down, and he took another deep breath, nervously straightening his tie again. A moment later, the doors slid open, and Ianto stepped out on slightly shaky legs.

Somehow he made his way down a short corridor then through a large cog-shaped door and a metal cage. And then he was in! Ianto Jones was standing inside of Torchwood Three.

A loud, familiar squawk reached his ears, and he looked up. The pterodactyl that he had helped Jack catch was flying around the tall ceiling. Now Jack has two guard dogs, Ianto thought as he took in his surroundings.

The first thing he saw was an Asian woman buried behind a large bank of monitors. She glanced over at him and gave him a small, friendly smile before turning back to whatever she was staring so intently at. Beyond her were a few workspaces heaped untidily with stacks of paperwork, coffee mugs and other garbage. On the other side of the room was a small, walled off office, and there was Captain Jack Harkness. Seated behind a large desk, he was holding a phone to his ear with his shoulder while he scribbled busily on a pad of paper.

Suddenly he looked up and saw Ianto standing by the entrance. A thousand watt grin spread over his handsome face as he beckoned Ianto closer. Come in to my parlor, said the spider to the fly. If only I could tell who was the spider and who was the fly, Ianto thought grimly.

Trying not to show how nervous he was, Ianto made his way carefully through the mess to stand in front of Jack. He tried not to overhear what the other man was saying.

"Yes, general. I know that, sir, but I can't tell the aliens to stop blowing stuff up. . . I know that's my job, and let me remind you that it's not the easiest job in the world either!" Jack suddenly jerked the receiver away from his ear, and even Ianto could hear snatches of the general's tirade. Jack rolled his eyes expressively at Ianto before speaking again. "Yes, general. Thank you, sir. It's been a pleasure talking with you. If you would excuse me, sir, my team and I have a mess to clean up."

With that, Jack slammed the phone back in it's cradle and let out a long breath. "Generals! They always think that anyone not wearing a uniform is stupid and there to be shouted at."

Ianto chuckled. "Yes, sir. Though UNIT's uniforms are very nice – especially those berets they wear."

A sudden gleam appeared in Jack's eye. "So you've met UNIT before?"

"Yes, sir. Torchwood London collaborated with them a few times."

"Ah." Jack leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. For a moment, he simply looked at Ianto, who did his best to remain impassive. "So what exactly did you do with Torchwood London?"

"Mostly research. The teams would encounter something in the field and it was my job to see if we'd ever run into anything similar."

"Any field experience?"

"Not really sir, though I did have some basic training. Standard procedure and all."

"I see. So most of your time was spent behind a desk?"

"Pretty much, sir." Ianto tried to look nonchalant about his lack of experience. "I was also the office's designated coffee maker."

Jack's eyebrows rose at that. "Not surprising if your coffee was anything like what you've been bringing me."

Ianto smiled. "It was better. Torchwood London was very thorough and only bought the best of everything."

"Would you mind continuing in that capacity here?"

"Certainly, sir." Ianto clasped his hands behind his back. He'd been hoping for something besides being the tea boy, but at least he was Torchwood's tea boy. "Would I have any other duties, sir?"

"I think you said it very well last night. We need a jack of all trades around here." Jack's gaze never left Ianto's face. "A butler, if you will."

Ianto felt his face fall a tiny bit before he regained control. "Of course, sir."

"OK then. Any other questions?" The American practically jumped out of his seat and flew around the desk. "No? Alright, let's get you settled in and introduce you to the rest of the team!"

Jack took Ianto's arm and propelled him out of the office. "This is Toshiko Sato, technological genius. This girl can hack any network faster than you can blink."

"Jack, I'm not that good!" The Asian woman who had smiled at Ianto when he first came looked up from her work. She was very pretty, didn't look like the expert hacker type. "Welcome to Torchwood."

"Tosh, this is Ianto Jones. He brews the best coffee in this solar system. Used to work for Torchwood London."

"Nice to meet you." She held out her hand for Ianto to shake. "I'm afraid I prefer tea."

Ianto smiled apprehensively. "I can make tea, too. Though it might not be quite as good."

"That's OK, I'll manage." Toshiko smiled. "Now if you'll excuse me. I'm working on a new translation programme, and I'm almost finished."

Jack chuckeld indulgently. "Sure, Tosh."

"Who's the newbie?" A male voice asked.

Jack turned to face the speaker, pulling Ianto with him. "Ah, Owen. I'd like you to meet Ianto Jones, the newest member of our team."

A wiry, monkey-faced man in a lab coat stood with his arms crossed. He was giving Ianto a very appraising look that made Ianto glad he hadn't worn one of his pink shirts or ties that morning. Red and pink were some of his favorite colors, but he'd opted for a more sober grey shirt and navy blue tie that morning. "Doctor Owen Harper, medical officer to Torchwood Three."

"Nice to meet you." Ianto stepped forward and held out his hand. Doctor Harper just looked at it before deliberately turning to Jack.

"Jack, I just finished analyzing a tissue sample from that paramedic's brain. It's the same chemical signature as the others. We are dealing with a very angry Spinacktigen."

"Thanks, Owen. We've gotta catch this son of a bitch before he kills again. Tosh, can you show us where every victim has been found - maybe we can track this thing to its lair. Suzie, help Owen mix up a sedative. I want this thing alive."

Ianto hadn't notice the other woman come in, but apparently Suzie was the woman who worked in the tourist office. She was very pretty, with dark skin and curly black hair. He thought she looked vaguely Indian or Middle Eastern or even Italian.

Suddenly, Jack was speaking to him again. "Ianto Jones, this is Suzie Costello, my second in command. Suzie, this is Ianto, Weevil and pterodactyl catcher extraordinaire."

Suzie gave him a small nod before walking over to join Owen. "Have we ever dealt with a Spinacktigen before?"

"No," Jack answered. "They have come through the rift before, but that was decades ago."

"So what are we going to do about it?" Owen didn't like taking orders apparently.

"We're going to track this thing to its lair, sedate it, drag it back here to the vaults and clean up the mess it's no doubt left for us." Jack turned icy eyes on the doctor.

"C'mon Jack! We're talking about a very large, spider-like creature, who can kill us with the tiniest scratch!"

"What's the matter, Owen? You're not afraid of spiders, are you?" Toshiko appeared from behind one of her many monitors.

"Hell yes! Normal spiders are OK - I can squish those. But I think it'd be a bit difficult to squish a spider the size of a dog, don't you agree?"

"Just get a very big newspaper, Owen, and you'll be fine. Now get to work!"Jack turned back to Ianto. "Sorry 'bout all this. This thing came through the rift a couple of days ago and has already killed a half dozen people."

"It's fine," Ianto assured him. "Do you have the anit-venom for these things?"

"There is no anti-venom, at least not that we've found."

"Torchwood London was working on one. We had one turn up about a year ago and go on a bit of a killing spree. Our scientists were trying to find an anti-venom before the battle. I was filing some of the paper work from the experiments when the Cybermen showed up." He said it all in a big rush, hoping he didn't sound too pompous or something.

"Really? You wouldn't happen to remember anything from that paper work would you?" He had Jack's full attention now, and Ianto was pretty sure Doctor Harper was glaring at him, too.

"Uh, not much really. Just something about compound B67. Some whiz kid had figured out that something in that compound neutralizes a small amount of the poison just enough to stop it from killing you. You still end up getting very sick, but at least you're alive to be sick."

"Retcon?" Owen piped up incredulously. "You can't be serious."

"Leave him be, Owen!" Jack and Owen obviously didn't get along. "Go on, can you remember anything else?"

"Well, just that you don't have to ingest the stuff. It should be applied topically and possibly subcutaneously. I didn't get a chance to read it all."

"That's rubbish!" Ianto decided that he didn't like Owen.

"But it couldn't hurt. Suzie, make us some Retcon paste. Owen, after you finish with the sedative try and make us an injectable form of Retcon." Jack's voice cracked like a whip. "Toshiko, how's that map coming?"

"Almost done, I just need to finish up a few things and – there we are!"

Jack hurried to her side. "That's great! Let's see, so all the victims were found around here?"

"Yes, I've even color-coded them according to the approximate time of day when the victim was attacked. There's a couple of abandoned buildings there, perfect place for a lair."

Jack planted a quick kiss on Toshiko's cheek. "I knew I didn't hire you just for your looks. Why don't you show Ianto around for me? I have some more phone calls to make, and then we're all going Spinacktigen hunting."

"Sure!" Tosh left her desk and came to stand by Ianto, who was feeling quite out of his depth in all the hustle and bustle. "Confusing, isn't it?"

"Yeah, sort of," he muttered.

"We must be much smaller than London," Tosh said. "Surely it was busier there?"

"Oh, much smaller - not that that's a bad thing! It's just that well, I worked in more of an office setting," Ianto tried to explain. "Things could get pretty crazy there sometimes, but not like this."

"Well, you'll get used to it." Tosh smiled warmly. "And it's not always this busy. Usually, we only have one incident a week or so. And then it's not very major, just a locate and retrieve type of thing."

"Oh, that's good to know." Ianto looked around. "So uh, does anyone ever clean up around here or um, anything?"

"Sometimes, when the mess gets so bad we can hardly move. I suppose we spend so much time cleaning up after aliens we can't be bothered to clean up after ourselves."

"I see. But doesn't the mess bother you?"

"Well, yeah. I suppose it does. Does it bother you? Like, are you some kind of neat freak or something?" Tosh was looking at him kind of strangely. Ianto felt himself start to blush.

"No, I'm not. I just don't see what use I'm going to be here. I thought maybe if I could clean up after you lot or something," He trailed off, not wanting to give Toshiko the wrong idea.

"Like a maid or maybe a butler?"

"Yeah, sort of, I guess."

"Oh, you'll be fine! You'll be fitting in in no time." Tosh was giving him a dazzling smile now, and Ianto couldn't help but smile back.

"Thanks, Toshiko. So where's the coffee pot? It seems that's what Jack wants me for."

"Call me Tosh. And I wouldn't be surprised if Jack has something else in mind." Her eyes got very wistful all of a sudden. "Anyway, the kitchen is right over here."

Tosh led the way to a small alcove that was almost as messy as the workspaces. The only thing that wasn't obliterated by junk was the coffee pot. If you could call it a coffee pot. All it really was was a cheap plastic and glass affair that used ground coffee. Ianto couldn't help but shudder, especially when he saw the container of coffee grounds sitting next to the pot. He wasn't sure that the black, no doubt strong, liquid in the pot could even be called coffee.

"This is your coffee pot?"

"Yeah, it works."

Ianto shook his head. "No wonder Jack likes my coffee. Do you think he would mind spending a bit of money on some equipment and the like?"

"No, I don't think so. We have a pretty big budget, and there's usually lots to spare. But you'll just have to ask him." Tosh looked thoughtful. "What were you expecting?"

"Well. . ." He tried to think of a polite way to say it. "Not grounds from a can, that's for sure."

"Hmm, I really wouldn't know the difference. Like I said, I prefer tea."

"What type?"

"Well, mostly green tea. I spent a few years in Japan and got a taste for it there. But any tea is pretty much fine." So, Tosh was Japanese. That made sense.

"Do you just use teabags?"

"Yeah, just whatever you can get for a few quid from the local market."

"Don't you miss drinking real tea though?" Ianto asked.

"Sometimes, yes. I treat myself every so often." Tosh looked wistful. "There are a few places here in Cardiff where I can get a decent cup of gyokuro."

Right, Ianto thought. Maybe the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach, too. He made a mental note to research green tea as soon as possible. Ianto glanced around the so-called kitchen, and he saw an untidy heap of pizza boxes. "So do you order take out a lot, then?

"Yes, someone gets something almost every day." Tosh must have seen what he was looking at and she anticipated his next question. "Jubilee Pizza is right around the corner on the other side of the Plass. The food's decent, and so is the price. I think Jack just likes to hit on the delivery person. He's usually the one who orders, and he's the one who waits in the tourist office for it."

Ianto smiled at the thought of Jack and his 'pheromones.' "I'll bet he does."

"So you've heard about our Captain Harkness up in London?" Owen was back. Ianto winced.

"Well, just a little bit. Torchwood London did have some records, you know." Ianto tried to sound nonchalant about it. In fact Torchwood London had extensive files on Captain Harkness and Torchwood Three; he knew because he had spent days sifting through smoldering debris trying to find them.

"So you know that he'll shag just about anyone then?" Owen's tone was sharp.

"Not anyone, Owen," Tosh practically whispered. "You just have to be really good looking."

"Sort of like the tea boy here, you mean?" Owen busily poured himself a cup of the so-called coffee. Ianto felt himself blush and opened his mouth to reply, but Tosh beat him to it.

"Owen! I'm sure Jack didn't hire him for that. He helped Jack bring in that pterodactyl last night and the Weevil a couple of weeks ago! Jack wouldn't hire him just for a shag!" Tosh was blushing too.

Owen smirked. "If you say so, love."

Ianto and Toshiko were left standing as Owen sauntered off to what ever dark hole he had crawled out of. Tosh was the first to break the uncomfortable silence. "Sorry about that. Owen isn't always the nicest, but he's alright once you get to know him."

Ianto didn't trust himself to speak so he just nodded. Another awkward silence ensued as Tosh fiddled with the hem of her shirt and Ianto glanced around at the mess again. He was half way through a mental to-do list when his thoughts were interrupted by a loud shout from Jack.

"Ok, boys and girls! How're we doing? Everybody ready to go squash a spider?" The American was standing in the doorway of his office, practically bouncing with excitement.

"Nearly there!" Called Owen. "I just have to pack up this Retcon juice and I'll be ready."

"I've got the paste!" Suzie appeared suddenly. "Is everybody going, Jack?"

"Yeah."

"Even the tea boy?"

Jack glanced lazily in Ianto's direction. "I said everybody. The sooner he gets his feet wet, the better."

Suzie looked like she'd dearly like to argue but she didn't. "So who's going to be babysitting him then?"

"I can take care of myself!" Ianto spoke up. He tried to look confident and tough, but he didn't think it worked.

Suzie snorted. Jack looked like he was about to laugh. "Ianto, you're with Suzie. Suzie, keep an eye on him. We don't want anything to happen to him on his first day."

"Right." Suzie didn't look pleased at having pulled babysitting duty. "OK, tea boy. Let's get you some gear."

Setting his face in an impassive mask, Ianto followed Suzie and lost himself in the adrenaline he felt begin to pump through his veins. He didn't notice the appraising look on Jack's face. He was too busy listening to the instructions Suzie was rattling off and trying to ignore the looks Owen was throwing his direction.