by Phil D. Hernández
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
James T. Kirk Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise
Spock First Officer of the Enterprise
Agnes DiPesto receptionist for Blue Moon Investigations
Madeline Hayes owner of Blue Moon Investigations
David Addison chief private investigator for Blue Moon Investigations
Leonard McCoy Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise
Two well-dressed men paused outside an office. Venetian blinds flanking the entrance did little to mask the lack of activity inside. The first man was about average height with brown hair just hinting of curls. He had a determined look on his face as he turned to the other.
Are you sure this is the agency we're supposed to employ? he asked.
his partner replied. The second man was a little taller and looked darker. His skin was an odd color, as though he were suffering from some illness, but he appeared healthy otherwise. His face was a complete blank and he wore a hat. Shall we go in?
With that, the second man opened the door. The phone rang just as they entered the office. The curly-haired receptionist politely held up one finger, and the men nodded as she picked up the receiver.
Blue Moon Investigations –
Wife unfaithful, husband too?
We can check it out for you.
Business partner stole your cash?
We'll catch him, quick as a flash!
Got in trouble, need help soon?
You're in good hands when you call Blue Moon!
The receptionist paused a moment, frowned, then addressed the telephone again. I'm sorry, but Miss Hayes doesn't grant interviews. No, I can't give you her home phone number. No! Bye! She hung up the receiver, turned with a smile to the men and asked, May I help you?
The man in the hat merely looked at her impassively, one eyebrow raised. The other pleasantly replied, Yes, you may. We're looking for a friend of ours, a doctor, and we need to find him quietly.
Well, you came to the right place! Excited, she jumped up from her desk and escorted the pair to an interior office. She knocked on the door. Miss Hayes?
Yes, Miss DiPesto?
I have a client, a real client – I mean, two real clients – right here!
The door was flung open, and a lovely, leggy blonde form with hand extended appeared in the doorway. I'm Madeline Hayes. How can Blue Moon be of service? she asked as she ushered them into seats.
My name is Kirk. James Kirk. This is Mister Spock, the pleasant one said.
Pleased to meet you, Mister Kirk. Won't you take your hat off, Mister Spock? My, you don't look well. Can I get you something, some water?
No, thank you, Miss Hayes. I am quite well, Spock replied.
Actually, Miss Hayes, we are looking for a doctor, said Kirk. He handed Madeline a photograph of a craggy-faced man wearing the most unusual polo shirt she had ever seen, decorated with what she thought was an odd trademark. His name is Leonard McCoy, and we have reason to believe he is wandering around lost in Hollywood or perhaps West Hollywood. Nothing is wrong, but if the police were to find him first, it might be awkward.
I see. And how did you come to choose Blue Moon?
Spock answered. Of all the detective agencies in the Los Angeles area, our computer selected yours as the most obscu–
Kirk interrupted. We found you in the – what's the word? – telephone book. Normally, we would search for him ourselves, but we don't know the city well. So we've come to you for help.
The door flew open, revealing the baby face, high forehead and slicked-back hair of David Addison. I have a great advertising scheme!
You have a great advertising scheme? Maddie asked skeptically as Addison walked toward her desk.
Did John Cameron Swayze tie a watch to an outboard motor? Did Johnny Carson eat a bowl of dog food? Shampoo, Maddie, that's where it's at!
Shampoo. We give away samples of Blue Moon shampoo, the stuff you used to sell! Or would you prefer L'Oreal? You're worth it. It'll click, it'll shock, phone'll jingle, door'll knock, David began to sing, badly.
I have two clients in my office and you come to me with a cockamamie scheme about shampoo?
Clients? Why didn't you say so? David turned toward the men and jumped back, startled. Whoa! Bill, Leonard! How's it hanging? Need some security for the next Star Trek movie? Fans bugging you? Looking for an old flame? Joan Collins works on Dynasty now, you know.
I presume you know this preposterous person? Spock inquired.
Allow me to introduce my associate, David Addison. His high school class voted him most likely to end up in a straitjacket. And why are you calling my clients Bill' and Leonard,' anyway?
Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. Don't you ever watch TV? Don't you know who you've got here? You've got T.J. Hooker and Doctor Spock, that's who! In the flesh!
T.J. who? Maddie asked.
Doctor Spock? Kirk pondered.
Spock raised an eyebrow. Mister Addison, why are you referring to my friend as a woman who solicits money in exchange for sexual favors?
David's eyes suddenly bulged. He looked closely into the men's faces. Then he looked again. Maddie, we may have entered the Twilight Zone. Do doo do do, do doo do do, he chanted. Who did they say they were?
Well, the gentleman with the hat is Mister Spock, and this is James Kirk.
Kirk held out his hand to shake, but David only stared at him some more. After a moment he turned to Spock and snatched the hat off his head. Now it was Maddie's turn to stare.
He's got long ears, David.
Of course he's got long ears, Maddie, he's Mister Spock.
But he's got long ears, David – and he's green, too. He's not sick, David, he really is green. I think I'm going to be sick.
He's supposed to be green, Maddie. Didn't you ever watch Star Trek?
No, Addison. What does Star Trek have to do with green men with long ears?
You know, space, the final frontier
Kirk interrupted, Perhaps we made a mistake coming here, Mister Spock.
I disagree, Captain. The fact that we were recognized by this man makes it imperative that we find Doctor McCoy immediately. Do you remember the time the transporter materialized us on the set of that – television – program? This is undoubtedly the same dimension or a similar one.
Maddie jumped in. David, tell me this is not happening. Please tell me this is not happening. Even if this is happening, please tell me this is not happening.
Okay, Maddie, this is not happening, David complied.
Thank you, David. Now, Captain – it was Captain, wasn't it – Kirk, what kind of a sick joke are you pulling here? Maddie's eyes flashed with anger as she spoke.
I'm truly sorry, Miss Hayes, Kirk replied. We were trying to be discreet. I really am Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise, and Mister Spock here really is from Vulcan. We are looking for Doctor McCoy and if you don't believe us, can you imagine what kind of trouble the doctor may get into?
He'll be mobbed by Trekkies, Maddie, David responded.
Mobbed by what?
Trekkies, trekkers. Star Trek fans. Maddie, I think these guys are on the level.
You are kiddingoh, my God, you're not kidding, are you? Am I the only sane person left here? No, I can't be – I still see the green Martian with the long ears!
Spock corrected her. Miss Hayes, I am not a Martian. I am from Vulcan.
You're not crazy, Addison added. These two really are Captain Kirk and Mister Spock. I admit it's hard to believe, Maddie, but they're for real, and they've come to us – to you – for help!
You've come to me for help, Captain? she asked.
We've come to you for help, Miss Hayes.
Well, then, what are we sitting around here for? cried Maddie. Everyone jumped out of their seats except Spock, who rose more sedately.
For one thing, Miss Hayes, we have not discussed where to begin looking for Doctor McCoy, Spock stated.
Leonard McCoy appeared in the courtyard of Mann's Chinese Theater, completing his fall through the Guardian of Forever. Oh, no, not again, he thought as he picked himself up and brushed the dust off his trousers. He silently cursed the scientists who had been studying alternate Earths, especially the alleged doctor with his ridiculous long scarf. McCoy had spotted him dangerously close to the Guardian, but when he ran over to move the unheeding scientist away, he'd tripped over that damned scarf.
He looked around to get his bearings. Twentieth-century Earth again, probably a different city, certainly a different decade. Damn, that air smells bad. How can they breathe this stuff? His discomfort was not entirely smog-induced, however. McCoy became aware that some of the people were staring at him. A few were even pointing.
Isn't thatnah, it couldn't be, mumbled one man.
S'gotta be some Trekkie, said a young woman.
What's his name? De Something Kelly, isn't it? asked another man.
De Forest Kelley, you dummy! replied the woman.
The number of people grew. Hey, are they promoting that new Star Trek movie already?
Look! It's Doctor McCoy!
Shouldn't he be older?
A teenage boy approached him. Hey, Doctor McCoy! Can I have your autograph?
As quickly as that, there was a small crowd surrounding him, thrusting writing instruments at him, touching him, touching his clothes. How do you know my name? he barked at the nearest ones. They all started talking at once, babbling about autographs, something called Star Trek, the Enterprise and terms he couldn't even begin to understand.
Suddenly, someone reached for McCoy's medikit. Pulling away, McCoy thrust himself out of the circle of disappointed fans. Not to be denied, they pursued him. He broke into a run. They chased him down Hollywood Boulevard.
Come back, Doctor McCoy!
Why can't I have your autograph?
Hey, quit shoving!
Leave me alone! McCoy shouted ineffectually. I'm just a doctor! And not a psychiatrist, which is what these people need, he thought as he ran. He hoped he wouldn't have to keep running long. Spotting a side street, he turned down it. The growing crowd followed.
Now the doc isn't gonna be easy to spot, Addison said as the group walked through the parking garage. I figure folks'll think he's De Whoosis Kelley and chase him around town. So look for a crowd.
Won't a crowd tie up traffic, too? Maddie asked.
Good, Maddie. I told you that Junior Detective course would work wonders. He winked at Spock, who showed no reaction. Maddie looked daggers at Addison. We'll keep the radio on. Maybe we'll hear something.
Are you sure you want to come along, Captain Kirk? Maddie asked. After all, if you two are recognized
McCoy is one of my men, Kirk replied, and a good friend. I must risk it. He smiled disarmingly at Maddie. Put yourself in my place –
I'd love to, David interjected. That Yeoman Rand –
– Miss Hayes. Would you strand Mister Addison in a strange city? Maybe with a howling mob chasing him?
Do I have to answer that truthfully?
Of course, you wouldn't, Maddie! David exclaimed. Of course she wouldn't, Jim!
Want to bet? Maddie smirked.
Anyway, Mister Addison here was kind enough to loan me these nice sunglasses, Kirk added.
David winced. He had not been at all willing to take the two along, that is not until he caught Agnes DiPesto calling some of her friends about Kirk and Spock. He didn't want to loan Kirk his best sunglasses either, but Maddie wouldn't let him give the captain a set of funny nose-glasses. Spock had retrieved his hat and would probably pass if he stayed inside the car, which they had now reached.
Kirk moved for the front seats, but David stopped him roughly with his arm.
Maddie drives, Jim, he reprimanded. You couldn't drive that gangster car. What makes you think you can drive this one? And I ride shotgun'cause I don't like the way you're eyeing Maddie.
Spock remarked. I had not thought Mister Addison capable of employing logic.
Neither had I, Mister Spock, Maddie agreed.
Kirk could only glower in response. He was a man accustomed to command, yet this buffoon had taken charge of the rescue. What stung even more was that Addison was right. Kirk had been eyeing Madeline Hayes. And how did Addison know about the Iotian gangsters anyhow? Still glowering, Kirk got into the back seat with Spock.
Maddie started the car and they moved out into the streets. Start with Sunset Boulevard, Maddie. That's where all the weirdoes hang out, David directed.
I don't like Sunset Boulevard, David.
Maddie, this is no time to go Pollyanna on us.
Pollyanna? I'll give you Pollyanna! Creeps hang out on Sunset Boulevard, David, creeps like you!
Creeps like me?
Creeps like you!
Thanks a lot, Maddie. But what if the creeps find the doc? Just drive the car.
Maddie drove the car toward Sunset Boulevard.
It seemed to McCoy that the ordeal would never end. He had tried side streets and main streets, even ducking into buildings and out rear or side entrances. Once he dropped out of a second-story window. Nothing seemed to work. Three times he lost the crowd, gaining a short respite, only to have some new group take up the cry of Doctor McCoy! His legs ached and his breath came in labored gasps. He began to understand the ancient Earth proverb there's never a cop when you need one. He kept running for his life.
I heard it! Maddie cried.
You heard it? David asked.
You heard what? Kirk asked.
I heard about a crowd! They're chasing someone all over West Hollywood! Maybe it's Doctor McCoy!
Spock spoke: The radio report was vague, Captain. Apparently Mister Addison's initial guess was correct, but the crowd seems to have left Sunset Boulevard and is moving along side streets in a southwesterly direction. There is an 86.32 percent chance that they are pursuing Doctor McCoy.
Maddie turned onto Santa Monica Boulevard and accelerated. It was partly intuition that inspired her, partly Spock's analysis, but mostly she resented Addison's taking over the case. Weird as they might be, they were her clients and they'd come to her for help. Besides, that Captain Kirk was cute and she was pleased that someone other than Addison had expressed an interest in her. But then, David was always interested in her
She was shocked out of her reverie by the sight of a crowd not far ahead, blocking traffic. Maddie yanked the wheel over and the car turned on two wheels into a side street. Belatedly realizing what she had done, she screamed.
What the hell are you doing, Maddie? David exclaimed.
Shut up, Addison, I found them! Now I'm trying to circle around and pick the doctor up.
Maddie, you're amazing, David said.
She screeched around three more corners and there was the crowd again, much closer. There, also, was Leonard McCoy, running from them. Suddenly, he turned into a parking lot. Maddie cut left to follow him, forcing a Seagrams truck onto the sidewalk. Its trailer jackknifed, spilling cases of wine cooler all over the street and temporarily blocking off the crowd.
Maddie pursued McCoy into the lot where the group found him climbing the huge of a sign that spelled out WEST HOLLYWOOD. Kirk and Spock were unaware it was a parody of the famous sign. When the car jerked to a halt, both got out and ran to their friend.
Leave me alone! McCoy shouted, not recognizing his captain and first officer. Must you hound me forever?
Relax, doc, the cavalry's here, Addison announced as he approached the three, wine cooler in hand.
Bones, it's me: Jim!
Get down from the sign, Doctor. I believe your primitive Hippocratic oath prohibits suicide by defenestration, added Spock.
Jim? Spock? Is it really you? Thank the Lord! McCoy jumped down from his perch and all headed for the car.
Get a move on, people! The crowd's on its way, David warned.
They piled into the car and McCoy found himself next to Maddie. About time my luck changed, he said as they roared off. Well, isn't anyone going to introduce me to this beautiful woman?
Maddie sighed. I'm Madeline Hayes. The weird fellow in the back seat is David Addison. You must be Doctor McCoy.
Not you, too? Jim, I swear everyone in this crazy city seems to know my name!
That's because we do, doc, David replied. Jim here explained that we're on alternate Earths, or something. Here, you guys are on a TV series called Star Trek.
Of course! This happened to us before, didn't it, Jim! But how do we get back?
Well, Bones, the Guardian said we weren't changing history, so it let us get some supplies from the Enterprise, and then we came after you. We can even take some R and R before it brings us back.
I could use some R and R after today, Bones remarked, looking significantly at Madeline Hayes.
Oh, no, you don't, Addison said. Maddie's got a date with me tonight. Don't you, Maddie?
I do? I'd rather date a – a Klingon!
Oh, yeah? Well, this is one script where the captain's not gonna get the girl, and neither's the doc.
EPILOGUE
************
The next morning dawned bright and cheery, and in due course Addison sauntered into Maddie's office, only to stop dead in his tracks when he saw Captain Kirk behind the desk, necking.
Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. I'm disappointed in you – falling for a sailor, even if he does fly a fancy starship!
Addison, what are you raving about now? replied a familiar alto voice behind him.
Maddie? Then who –
Captain Kirk, what –
Good morning, Miss Hayes, Mister Addison, Agnes DiPesto said dreamily as Kirk disentangled himself from her arms.
Simultaneously, David and Maddie fainted.
THE END
**********
Author's notes:
The original version of this story first appeared in the second issue of the fanzine Desert Sun, published by Craig Chrissinger, who also helped edit the story.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Star Trek, James T. Kirk, Spock, Dr. Leonard McCoy, Janice Rand, the starship Enterprise, Klingons and the Guardian of Forever are copyrighted by and registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures. Moonlighting, Madeline Hayes, David Addison, Agnes DiPesto and Blue Moon Investigations are copyrighted by ABC Circle Films and Picturemaker Productions. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1987, 1998 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
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