Disclaimer: J K Rowling, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, and Warner Bros reserve all rights to the Harry Potter Franchise. I do not profit from the following work of fanfiction.

Note: This piece was inspired by Bendleshnitz's Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About. An adult periodical geared towards randy young witches (PlayWitch) that dishes out the dirty secrets of the most desired wizards this side of the pond-absolutely brilliant concept! I thought I might contribute with a counterpart. I give you the PlayWizard's Wet Witch Watcher. This is my first official fanfiction, I hope you enjoy. I welcome constructive criticism, but mostly ask for kind words of encouragement (Be nice, I am a FF virgin!)

July

'Ello Boys! Your favorite columnist Justin Bengough, here. July is finally upon us. That's right gentlemen, time for yet another installment of Wet Witch Watcher. You know the drill: three witches, five dirty secrets, and countless wanton wizards yearning to have a go! I did you all a favor this month, I did—the nasty goods I got will get your wand stiffer than a tall glass of firewhiskey and petrificus totalus charm! First up, Ms. Katie Bell. You thought it was hot outside, but once you read this, a fiendfyre will seem like a nice dip in the artic!

Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About Katie Bell

This former Gryffindor chaser is a lioness through and through, with a mane of wavy strawberry blonde hair and a loud mouth to boot. Word is these days she works under—in every sense of the phrase—Ludo Bagman as the Assistant Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sport for the Ministry of Magic. When asked if she's juggling the git's quaffles, she denied all (right!). But she was happy to spill all the kinks she's got stored under her robes! Here's what she said:

1—She's a size queen. Sorry boys, only wands 9" and over are allowed to perform magic on her rabbit.

2—Says she's got ridiculous oral skills, and can tie a cherry stem with only her tongue. As a skeptic, I called her bullshit. She conjures the berry, and…Long story short, girl has the suction of a niffler!

3— First sexual experience was sixth year, giving a bloke's one eyed monster a tug behind the one eyed witch statue back at ole Hoggywarts. How ironic?

4—Dream wizard: "Viktor Krum." Why: "He can really ride a broom."

5—At the end of the day, Bell is a romantic. Her greatest fantasy is to make love on a bed of roses, in a sea of candlelight, after a home cooked dinner. Who's up to the task men? Ludo?

Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About Narcissa Malfoy

Draco's mom has got it going on. She's all we want, and we've certainly waited for so long. Since the humble beginnings of Wet Witch Watcher, we've tried to get Mrs. Malfoy to talk. Alas, mum's the word. But why now? She and the Mister are spicing things up. Hey, if this helps their sex life along, I'll play.

1—She loves long hair on a wizard. The feel of silken strands between her fingers during sex drives her wild. No wonder Lucius takes better care of his platinum locks than most Veela women!

2— Regarding that infamous orgy reported in PlayWitch (wink at Bendleshnitz), the pair still won't budge on the guest star. But she did confirm it was a devil's three-way. I wonder who was sticking it to whom?

3—Her patronus: a cougar! Cissy loves the young lads. "It's an amazing feeling helping a wizard during his time of sexual awakening!"

4—Almost lost her life to a pubic hair while giving oral. Since, she's maintained a strict policy on manscaping.

5—Loves to watch a man wank. "You learn a lot."

Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know about Verity Whocareswhatherlastnameis

George and Fred Weasley are two rich sons-of-wizards. But I don't think they make all their galleons selling novelty items. Swear to Merlin, a good portion of the profit is thanks to the super hot blonde they got working the till! Every time I visit WWW, I ask for whatever's on the highest shelf, just to get a peak of her fit body. This month, she sat down with yours truly to tell all what gets her cauldron stirring.

1—Have camera? Will perform. Verity likes to be photographed and filmed. Says she gets off knowing her wizard has evidence of their sexcapades. Please let there be footage circulating!

2—Most embarrassing sex story: Tooted in her ex-boyfriend's bed on Valentine's Day after too much of Madame Puddifoot's chocolate mocha latte.

3—Verity loves to dirty dance at Muggle clubs. Something about all the heavy bass, flashing lights, sweating, grinding, and grabbing…You know, it does make perfect sense.

4—Has an insane knicker collection. Thongs, shorts, frilly, lacey, colorful—you name it, she has it. "Every time I go shopping, I have to buy a pair or two!" Can we see?

5—Says she likes a bloke with a little extra meat. They tend to be better lovers and more appreciative of the sex. I think I love this witch!

End Note: Whew! That was harder than I imagined. Thoughts (turn it up/down)? Suggestions? I appreciate all your input. Thanks for indulging me! Cheers!

PS: Many thanks to Bendleshnitz for green-lighting this piece. Please check out her story Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About. She's a really talented writer!