Authors Note: This chapter has just been redone as I wasn't happy with the first version. To the reviewer who said that it did not really sound like Snape there is a reason for that, but, obviously, I can't reveal it just yet. Also it is a bit of a tongue in cheek thing with Snape's Logs which will only make up a part of some of the chapters (i.e. once a day in novel-time).

STARRING SEVERUS SNAPE:

SEVERUS SNAPE, SUPER SLEUTH.

Our favourite potions master is a man with a past, and that past makes him the perfect man for a new job: working out who killed one of the magical world's most beloved entertainers, Sir Elton John. When the muggle police come up empty the Ministry of Magic realizes that sending a muggle to do a wizards job is a bad idea. And, with "Hogwarts" on school holidays Snape has plenty of time on his hands…

PROLOGUE:

Snape's Log. Day 1 of investigation.

Someone kill me. Now.

It's school holidays for Merlin's sake. I should be doing anything other than this. I could be sitting on the beach, working on my tan, watching hot Muggle women in bikinis subtly checking me out and thinking 'God, he's even hotter in person than up on the big screen' and asking me to sign their chests with a magic marker. Or surfing the totally wickedly rad mad waves down in Oz. Maybe cleaning up at all the casinos in Las Vegas, both slot machine and card games, and then sticking hundred dollar bills in the bras and undys of hot strippers and having to turn down all those same strippers who wanted to come back to my hotel room and keep on partying…

Oh, all right. I'll be honest: I should be making the most of the few precious weeks of no snotty-nosed, bratty children at Hogwarts and working on my novel [Severus Snape- A man of the people] or editing and submitting articles to the various academic journals I subscribe to. Fact of the matter is I can't stand the sun and I hate the way sand gets in every orifice and walking on it hurts my calves and ankles, and Muggles- female and male- make me want to pull out my wand and curse myself to some kind of parallel dimension where they don't exist. And whoever thought up the whole surfing thing was a sadistic git with way too much time on their hands because, seriously, why would anyone want to stand up on a piece of wood or fiberglass and throw themselves into waves bigger than a house? I might be able to win a fortune at gambling because I'd use magic to win, not just my own (not inconsiderable) talents. And, while in all these scenarios women would be throwing themselves at my feet, that can just happen any day I decide to walk down a street in a bigger town or city than Hogsmeade and turn on my charms. Obviously.

I think it's highly possible that I am one of the only beings in the wizarding world who wasn't all that fond of Sir Elton John. I didn't feel secretly superior about being one of the minority who knew that his knighthood wasn't because he was a great singer and songwriter, but rather, that all his success was due more to his being a wizard, than anything else. All that money, being able to get away with whatever he wanted, and those fans…well if he were a Muggle rather than a wizard he probably wouldn't have sold a single album, let alone gotten any kind of record deal in the first place. Nor did I think he was any more talented than a million other wannabees. So when the world awoke to headlines on Sunday morning of "Super Star stabbed" and "The world has lost a superstar" and, my personal favourite "Candle in the wind deliberately blown out" and there was mass hysteria I just shrugged. Another dead person in the current circumstances hardly seemed newsworthy. Although the Muggle world is completely oblivious of the war that is just on our doorsteps with the Dark Lord rising and deaths becoming more common than Harry Potter fan fics, so I suppose it is possible that to them it's a big-ticket news item.

By the way Sir Elton John is not the only famous person who is secretly part or full witch or wizard. Hasn't anyone wondered how come David Beckham's foot has it's own fan following? How come the British royal family can have so many screw-ups- Prince Phillip's mouth, Harry's Nazi costume, Harry's drinking, Harry's partying, Harry in general, Prince Charles having a long-term affair with a woman who looks a bit like a horse, etc- and yet still be considered relevant not just by those in the UK, but also countries like Australia and Canada? Or why Madonna, who cannot act to save her life and who thinks gyrating around, half-naked, to stupid lyrics like "erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body" and be considered a singer of note? The list could go on forever and it would totally blow the mind of any Muggle out there, believe you me.

Whatever the case my dislike for Elton John makes this whole situation seem just that bit more absurd…

It has been three days since Elton John was found dead in his mansion by his housekeeper. Three days since the police were called in when it was obvious that the man had been stabbed and not died of natural causes. Two days since an autopsy showed that he'd been stabbed almost fifteen times, beaten after death, injected with incredibly large doses of [Muggle drugs] heroin, cocaine and ice. One day since the Muggle police declared themselves (not publicly) baffled by the whole thing. Twelve hours since the Ministry of Magic decided that it was possible that the death of this hero might have been less human brutality and more magical mayhem. And only three hours since I was interrupted by a super-special Eagle bearing mail for me (that is how you know the mail is of vital importance, when it arrives via Eagle or Hawk) from the Minister himself, requesting my presence in London post-haste to begin work on the murder investigation.

But why, of all the wizards and witches in England, me, Severus Snape? The answer is simple. The Minister put the names of 200 of the most intelligent, out-of-the-box thinking, multi-skilled, supremely talented, easiest to blend in, most likely to get along with Muggles, and most likely to be able to close the case of the dead singer into a hat and then pulled out two, one man, one woman. I don't know who the woman is yet. But I am that man.

If it wasn't such a pain in the butt situation I might actually be flattered to be included in those 200 names. It shows how high an esteem I am held in by the big names of this fair country doesn't it? And, as all the Muggle awards (including a little gold statue that is called Oscar) have proven everyone just loves me. And "William the wizard", the bane of my existence, the film that changed me from potions teacher- although clearly far better suited to a position as the defence against the dark arts teacher- to household name, might be to blame for this predicament. If I hadn't been forced into the project, and then blackmailed into the "William the wizard" mini-series recently, it is possible that I wouldn't have been up there on the list. Yes the intelligence, skills, talents, amazing abilities, excellent temperament and social skills, etcetera are patently obvious on my CV, but getting along with Muggles was hardly my strong suit. Until I showed remarkable restraint in not cursing every single one involved in the insane project that is. So once more I blame my portrayal of award-winning "William" for pretty much everything going wrong in my life at this time…

Now there are only a few questions I have:

Will we be in charge of the Muggles in this investigation?

Will we have to work with the Muggle's so-called experts and detectives?

Can I curse anyone who refuses to work with me and give me the right answers or is deliberately obstructive or lying?

Can the Ministry keep my involvement secret so as to not allow the Muggle newspapers and television news shows to focus more on me than the dead man? (Which, really, is quite understandable given my fame.)

How much am I going to get paid for giving up my valuable spare time? Will they compensate me when my editor gets angry at me for not putting up my chapters at the astonishing rate I'm currently going at and possibly takes some of my advance money off me? And will they also compensate me for the short-course in poetry I am taking over the summer as well as the karate lessons I have just begun?

And, this is the big one, can I carry a gun? And can I shoot anyone who annoys me?

I suppose I will know those answers shortly as I am about to apparate to the Ministry building. Well, nearby, specifically but I will then take the phone box entrance.

Oh: let me just practice this: "over and out", "breaker, breaker, breaker", "code 67/33/bh3 at my last", "backup required for Muggle shot by me, Severus Snape, in an official capacity."

Yep, still got it. No wonder "William" was so phenomenally successful and popular.

So, for now, it's Snape out.