A/N: This is a totally different type of story for me; humor, but not crack. There are some implied pairings, if you squint, but none of specifically intended. Hope you enjoy it! All feedback is welcome.
Part One
"Come on, Probie, entertain me," Tony begged.
They had been sitting in a cold vehicle for hours, waiting for their suspect to move.
McGee rolled his eyes. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Oooh, a joke. I'll bite," Tony replied. "Why DID the chicken cross the road, McGee?"
"Because the chick it was watching crossed the road, and it was his job."
"That's not funny," Tony said flatly.
"No, but check it out," McGee said, drawing attention to the rather tall woman who was getting into their suspect's vehicle.
"That's our guy," Tony confirmed, and then engaged the intercom system. "We got 'em. He's dressed as a woman, and not a very pretty one. He's in the vehicle and pulling out now."
"Stay with him," Shepard ordered, from her vigil in MTAC.
"Don't screw this up, DiNozzo," Gibbs barked. "Ziva, check the apartment. This could be a setup."
"Got it, Gibbs," she replied from her post in the apartment across the street. "There has been no visible activity in the past ten minutes. I am on my way."
---
Gibbs stood motionless and watched Jenny pace in front of the screen. Nerves were strained, and the tension in the room was almost palpable. They had come too far to blow this case now. But this was when his team best performed: under pressure.
---
"Um, Boss?" McGee said. "I don't think he's running."
"Looks like it's drag queen night for the locals," Tony added.
"Inside," Gibbs ordered. "Confirm the identity. Pronto."
Tony and McGee sized one another up.
A skeptical look on his face, Tony remarked, "You're gonna stand out like a sore thumb, McGeek."
"Come on, Tony," McGee said in frustration as they exited the vehicle and headed toward the club entrance.
---
After securing the apartment and finding no sign of their suspect having gone elsewhere, Ziva walked quickly to her sedan. She made her way to the club and intentionally parked near the rear exit rather than the front, so that they would have a vehicle available in either situation, if necessary. She found it very easy to locate her coworkers.
Tim was standing near the backstage entrance, leaning as far as he could to the right. He accidentally collided with an occasional club customer, as he struggled to get a better look at the "entertainment".
"Dude, I get that this turns you on, but you need to back off," a disgruntled young man complained, after being pushed aside for the second time by the agent, who was too focused on his "mission" to keep from being clumsy.
"Oh, sorry. And it doesn't. Turn me on, that is," he continued, put off by the fact that the guy immediately assumed he was here for the show. The guy shook his head in annoyance and walked away.
Ziva chuckled from behind him.
"How long have you been standing there?" he asked, not turning to face her.
"Long enough to realize you must be, what is the phrase, happy to see me?" she answered in a sultry voice.
"No, Ziva, I swear," he protested as he turned to face her. Taking in her sudden pout, he continued, "I meant, I am happy to see you. Of course I'm happy to see you; I'm just not happy to see you." Catching the teasing glint in her eye, he relaxed. "Where's Tony?" McGee asked, still trying to get a better look at the man they were following.
"He is by the bar. No one will talk to him," she added, amused.
The two walked over to stand with Tony. "They won't let us speak to the contestants without a warrant," he complained.
"We will find another way," Ziva said secretively.
McGee eyed her suspiciously. "Ziva…"
"It is the only solution," she said convincingly.
"But…"
"No buts, McGee," Tony added. "It's brilliant."
"You would say that," McGee said under his breath. He turned and walked quickly out of the club entrance and made his way to the car. He slammed the door behind him, his face the perfect imitation of the pout of a six-year-old boy who didn't get his way.
The intercom blasted to life. "What's going on?" Gibbs' voice shook McGee out of his sulk.
"We can't get close enough to the contestants to confirm the identity of the suspect. Tony tried going through management, but they won't allow us access without a warrant," he explained.
Gibbs swore under his breath.
"Ziva wants to dress me and Tony up and send us in as contestants," he added scornfully, knowing Gibbs would balk at such an outrageous scheme.
"Good idea. Do it," Gibbs said.
---
"But, Gibbs! Please?! You know I'm the best person for the job. My friends and I do this all the time for fun. This one time, I dressed my friend Monk up and he was so hot. I swear, it would even have fooled you, Gibbs," Abby rattled on, trying her hardest to convince Gibbs that she needed to go help Ziva prepare the guys for this operation.
"There's no time, Abs," he explained.
Abby crossed her arms over her chest. "Ziva gets to have all the fun."
Gibbs smirked. "Hurry it up," he said. "Maybe you can get there in time to try to give McGee a boost of confidence. Lord knows he'll be having a difficult time."
Abby laughed at his expression and then launched herself at him, full force.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she said as she squeezed him as tight as she could without hurting him.
"Get outta here," he said, shaking his head at her antics.
---
After stopping by her house to "grab her gear", Abby practically broke land speed records in her haste to get to help. She had so many ideas! The place was packed, so she was forced to park about 200 yards from the building. She called Ziva's cell phone.
"Where are you guys?" she asked conspiratorially.
"Thank God you came, Abby. Did you bring Valium? Because McGee is driving me crazy," she complained.
Abby could hear the voices of the guys protesting Ziva's comment, and smiled to herself. Where are you?" she repeated her earlier question.
"In a cheap hotel about three blocks from the club," Ziva explained. "Moe's Motel. Room 168."
"Oh, I know the place," Abby said perkily. "Terrible."
Ziva chuckled. "Just hurry."
---
Abby stood slack-jawed when Tony walked sexily out of the bathroom. He had done his own makeup, and he had done well. He gave each of them his sexiest look as he walked slowly around the room, his hips swaying like those of a woman. All three heads turned to the side in unison, totally shocked, as they watched him saunter around the room. He looked good; really good.
"You know you want me," Tony whispered in McGee's ear.
"No I don't, Tony. Leave me alone," he shuddered, but also blushed.
Tony chuckled. "I'm just kidding."
"Sure, Tony," Ziva teased. He was enjoying this far too much.
---
Twenty minutes later, Shepard, Gibbs and the other NCIS staff members in MTAC watched as four women emerged from the hotel room. Three appeared to be men dressed as women, and the other was Ziva. Two of them carried themselves confidently, slinking toward car as if they did this daily. The third man, however, was clearly new to cross-dressing. The others had to remind him time and again to walk straight and tall, and not to worry about falling in the high-heeled shoes he was wearing. Unfortunately, feigned confidence doesn't automatically give you the ability to walk in them, as he found out the hard way. His third stumble actually led to a fall to the pavement.
"Darn it, I think I broke my panty hose," the clumsy one complained.
"You can't break panty hose, Timmy," one of the confident transsexuals said in a voice that was husky and almost feminine.
Jenny chuckled at Gibbs' scowl. Clearly he hadn't expected Abby to dress herself up as one of the drag queens. She looked amazingly like a man dressed as a woman. How does one do that?
They watched as Abby linked an arm through McGee's and helped him walk more convincingly toward the car.
"That's it!" she said excitedly. "See, McGee! And you thought you couldn't do this."
He mumbled under his breath and climbed into the passenger seat of the hearse.
"You look like you are enjoying yourself, Tony," Ziva commented as they arrived at the door of the car Tony and McGee had taken to the club earlier.
"It's actually kind of fun. It reminds me of when my friends and I used to go to the live showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in college. Of course, I was always Frank."
Ziva shook her head. Tony was hard to figure out sometimes. Soon his exuberance got the better of the situation and he burst into song.
"I'm just a sweet transvestite," he ran his hands down the front of his now-feminine body.
"Tony!" Ziva interrupted. "Never do that again."
He smiled. "A little over the top?"
Her eyes widened, "You passed the top long ago."
"Heh."
"You make a very pretty woman, Tony," she commented sincerely.
"Thanks, baby," he said in his sexiest voice. She laughed.
---
Part Two
They gathered outside the club entrance and went over everything again. Ziva gave each girl a final once-over. When her eyes rested on McGee, she couldn't help but giggle.
"What?" he asked, and then rolled his eyes. "It's bad enough that you got me into this, and now you're making fun of me."
"I am sorry, McGee," Ziva giggled again, holding one palm over her mouth. "One would think with your features you would make a lovely woman – your full, soft mouth, your eyes… you are just gorgeous. But…" she giggled again. "I am sorry, McGee; it just does not work. I definitely prefer you as a man."
"Um, I'll take that as a compliment," he said, blushing a little under her scrutiny.
Abby eyed Ziva curiously before snaking her arm through McGee's.
"Come on, ladies," Tony said, getting back into character. "We have a suspect to detain."
"That's right, Ms. DiNozzo," Gibbs growled in his ear.
After securing the small cameras that would transmit to MTAC, the unlikely group entered the club, this time much less conspicuously. Tony led them to the backstage entrance.
"I'm Tonya, and this is Abigail and Tammy," he announced to the guard.
The guard checked his list and then turned confused eyes back to Tonya. "I don't have you on my list."
"I didn't realize it was invitation only," Abigail said huskily.
The guard swallowed. This guy was good. "I think we can still get you in the show."
"Um, show?" Tammy asked nervously.
"First time?" the guard asked, eyeing Tammy critically.
"You can tell?" Tammy's face was pale despite her makeup.
The guard smirked. "Come on back."
Ziva chuckled as the man placed a hand on the small of Tammy's back, gently urging her forward. McGee was going to kill her later.
---
Once backstage, Tonya began perusing the "ladies", desperately hoping to locate their suspect and confirm his identity.
"Checking out the competition, are we?" a tall blonde approached her.
"You could say that."
The blonde eyed her from top to bottom and back. "Nice," she admitted with a smile. "Are you looking for someone in-particular?"
"I've been to a few of these and was just looking for familiar faces," Tonya offered by way of explanation, hoping to get away.
"Oh? I don't recognize you…"
"I mean, I'm always in the audience. This is my first time," she whispered.
"You've gotta be kidding me," Blondie said, again impressed. "Honey, you may be new to competition, but this is not your first time getting all dolled up."
Tonya winked at her, "Thanks." She moved past the blonde and, at Gibbs' insistence, crossed over to a particularly tall person standing in a shadowy corner of the room.
---
"Girl, I don't know what made you think you were ready for you this, but if you don't relax you're going to pass out cold," a tall brunette advised Tammy.
"Tammy?" Abigail asked, leaning in to really check on Tammy. The longer this operation took, the less comfortable he became.
"Abs…" McGee knew he needed to stop thinking about the situation, but the idea of having to step out on that runway in front of all those people and Ziva was more than he could handle.
"She'll be fine," Abigail assured lady as she pulled Tammy over toward the wall. "Timmy?" she whispered. "McGee?" She took in the sheen of sweat on his brow and his labored breathing. Surely this wasn't that traumatic an experience. She ran a concerned hand down his cheek. She listened as Gibbs tried to get through to him.
"Remember why you're there, McGee. There's a dirt bag child molester in this room, and you're gonna help us find him. Don't you let me down, Tim. You're a federal agent; one of the best. You can do this."
Abby leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. 'Come on, McGee,' she thought. 'Snap out of it.' After a few awkward moments of silence, he began to return the kiss. He pulled her into his arms, not even thinking about how they were dressed or how it might look.
"That's enough," Gibbs barked.
They pulled away from one another, and Abigail began repairing Tammy's smudged lipstick. She winked at him, and then turned to face the several nearby people who were staring at them knowingly.
"Sorry; couldn't resist," she said sexily and then crossed the room to the mirror to fix her own makeup.
---
Tonya smiled at the redhead in the corner of the room. She searched her face for the mole and birthmark that would verify this was their 'man'. In spite of caked-on makeup, both marks were obvious.
"That's him," Shepard said. "He doesn't seem to have any sort of back-up."
Before Tonya could move in to make the arrest, he was grabbed by a club employee. "You Tonya?"
"Yes," she reluctantly pulled her eyes from the suspect in an attempt to maintain cover.
"You're up," the man pushed her toward the cat walk.
"McGee!" Gibbs ordered.
"On it," he replied and began wobbling on unsteady feet toward the opposite corner of the room. Abigail followed, wanting to assist if needed.
---
Ziva watched as Tonya took the club by storm. She couldn't help but be amused by Tony's antics on the cat walk. Naturally, she recorded it. This was too good not to hold over his head. The crowed cheered, oooed and ahhed at the performance. Tony had missed his calling.
---
After finally reaching the redhead, Tammy made the arrest, drawing curious glances from those nearby.
"I take it you aren't here to perform?" the employee asked.
"No, sir," McGee said, not only using his normal voice, but also deepening it a bit.
"I'll take you off the list."
"Oh, me too," Abby said in her happiest, perkiest tone. "I'm not even a man!"
The employee chuckled. "Anyone else?"\
McGee yanked the offensive wig off his head and threw it to the ground with flourish. He led the handcuffed suspect out, followed by a proud Abby.
---
Ziva met them at the backstage door. "Nice work, McGee."
"Thanks," he said. "The arrest was easy, nowhere near as hard as walking in heels."
Ziva smirked. "Where's Tony?"
"Um…?" McGee looked around. Where had he gone?
The announcer soon answered their question for them. "And first place goes to Ms. Tonya!"
All three snickered as they watched DiNozzo reenter the stage and accept his trophy and flower bouquet.
---
A few hours later, Gibbs had finished interrogating the suspect and they had all the information they needed to close the case. Tony, McGee and Ziva were at their desks, each working to complete their reports so they could go home.
"Only up for forty minutes and already over two hundred hits," Ziva said mischievously.
"You didn't!" Tony said, somewhat panicked.
"On YouTube," she explained. "There have been some great comments. One from Agent Sacks."
"What?"
"Surely you did not think I would put up the video without notifying friends and other interested parties?" she said with an innocent smile.
"This is your fault, McGee," Tony said.
"What did I do?" he complained.
"You started the whole recording thing. And you made the arrest while I was…"
"Shaking your tush on the cat walk?" McGee finished for him.
"Something like that."
Ziva chuckled. "Just face it, Tony. You already have quite a fan club. This could even become a second career. It is always nice to have something to bounce back on."
"It's fall back on," McGee said.
"Thank you, McGee."
"No problem," he smiled at Ziva. "She has a point, Tony."
"Just shut up, McGee," Tony grumbled. "If Abby hadn't been there, you'd probably be out cold on the floor."
McGee blushed and went back to typing on his report. "You're right. Sorry," he muttered.
"McGee, look at me," Ziva said, coming to sit on the edge of his desk. She gave him a serious look when their eyes met and locked. "You did what was required even though you were uncomfortable. That is a mark of true courage. I am proud of you."
"Thanks, Ziva," he said quietly.
Tony rolled his eyes. He had done the entire drag queen thing convincingly and with flair, yet McGee was the one who received acknowledgement from Ziva. And a kiss from Abby; he certainly was going to forget that. He did have one thing that would make him smile: McGee could never take away his trophy.
THE END