Monster
I'm my brother's worse enemy.
Most say I'm his biggest weakness and that's true but really, I'm the one who hurts him the most.
No one seems to realize exactly how easy it is to hurt my brother; of course I know I've been beside him since the day I was born.
He never voiced it back then or even now but what I say or think about him matters more to him than even the words of Winry, Granny or anyone else we know.
The only other person he treated so highly was mom but I'm the only one who's left whose words can send him to an early grave or give him the strength to keep moving forward.
The first time I became aware of this was months after mom died, training on the island Teacher stranded us on we were into our first weeks and already miserable.
Ed never would admit how weak and lousy he was feeling but I didn't deny how I felt, it led to our first argument since mom got sick.
I yelled that I hated him and ran off like I always did during our arguments; I didn't even need to find a river we were surrounded by water.
I wasn't sure how long I sat on the shore staring at the lake water but I was aware of the stone churning in my stomach (I could never forget that feeling) I was just realizing my words to brother and felt awful.
I've never told Ed I hated him before.
I've called him stubborn, rude, high strung and even short when we'd argue but I've never told him I hated him, I didn't even mean what I had said I was just mad and tired and hungry.
Then again so was brother and he was even worse off than me, whatever little food we did manage to find or catch he always gave me the most of it.
How could I be so cruel?!
Standing up I headed back to where we made our camp but brother wasn't anywhere.
I guess it was a good thing it rained yesterday brothers footprints were still there.
I never forgot the way he looked that day curled into himself with the most miserable look on his face, the look was just like moms when she began to get sicker and didn't think she was going to get better.
He had given up, his eyes looked so defeated.
That was when I realized exactly how much my brother depended on me (I wasn't the only one to depend on someone), when I gave up he had to but worse.
Because he felt that if I hated him it wasn't worth it anymore to fight or even remember that we were supposed to be figuring out Teachers meaning.
That was the first time I saw my brother almost break.
After that I started watching what I said during our fights which happened more than often under Teachers care.
I never said I hated him because it just wasn't possible for me to hate him; I never could no matter how stupid he could act sometimes.
My words were the worse weapons anyone could use against brother but it became worse after we tried to bring mom back.
Weeks had passed and during that time brother never once looked me in the eye or should I say the helmet that held the red pinpoints that acted as my eyes.
I knew one reason was shame and guilt that much was obvious to everyone in the Rockbell home.
Winry was scared she knew brother could be stupid and he was being like that for the first week.
He was at his most vulnerable with wounds fresh and healing, he didn't sleep for days not just because of the nightmares but because he found out I couldn't.
He didn't eat during that time either for the same reason, he was killing himself and if it kept up he really was going to die.
I wasn't allowed in the room much because of brother's fragile state, it was always awkward when we were alone.
Like a chasm had been opened up between us, but the worse realization come to me after the second week of the failed transmutation.
I was hurting my brother again; every time we had time to ourselves we never talked much but when we did it was questions about me.
Could I sleep? No I couldn't (I'm scared)
Could I eat? No I'm sorry (I miss it)
Is it lonely? No (Like you couldn't believe)
He knew, he knew, somehow he knew what I thought.
Does he think I hate him?
It explained why he seemed too scared to look at me, he wasn't scared of me I asked once and all he did was shake his head and latch onto my steel right arm.
He couldn't even pick himself up that night, well I promised myself that was going to change.
I wasn't going to let my words unspoken or not hurt him anymore.
Just because I looked, this armor I guess it is kinda monstrous especially at night.
I'm not a monster I won't let our mistake break us, I won't let myself hurt my brother ever again.
He started eating again even if it was only enough to keep him from getting too thin, he began to sleep again even if I had to comfort him from nightmares.
But my words which helped give some sort of life; my words which helped at least still weren't enough.
He was so small, he hated to be called that but looking at him in that wheelchair with that dead look in his eyes that was all I could think.
I was scared but nothing we said ever worked, brother had given up.
Given up like on the island.
Did he think I wasn't going to want to live like this, that I was one day going to lash out and blame him?
Did he think I would leave one day?
A month later we met Colonel Roy Mustang, he did the one thing not even I could do.
He gave my brother the hope of getting our bodies back; he gave him a reason to live.
Of course that meant I had to be the mature one, not that it was hard I always did take care of Ed more than he ever took care of himself.
But there was one thing I never could forgive the man for and that was the pain Edward had to endure, but that's how my brother was I guess I'm like him that way.
How he'd do anything for me I'd do anything for brother.
My words and my very existence in this armor became my brother's burden and I knew it.
At first it was only my words.
During the year of depression and automail surgery and recover he relied on my words and my being there.
Now though, now, four years later my entire existence is what keeps my brother going.
I knew if I ever gave up, ever voiced something I didn't want him to know he'd die.
Not physically no that would come later, emotionally he'd break.
He always was emotionally fragile that tough front everyone always saw, the front he always showed to keep people from knowing how scared he was inside.
It got worse the more dead ends we came up with and what we saw through the years was weighing us both down.
But I kept my inner promise I wasn't hurting my brother, at least anymore than what I couldn't block.
I knew he'd never stop hurting until I got my body back.
Then finally when were able to find the way to make the stone things began to change.
We learned the truth about the stone and then about the homunculi and their mysterious father.
That night a lot of things were discovered but that was the night I broke my promise.
I was going to hurt my brother one more time.
Brother was still asleep, he had been since we brought him to the hospital the doctors had patched him up and Maria Ross and Denny Brosh had already given me a talk about our actions.
More like a talk and then a punch to my steel face, Denny Brosh held a wounded hand in embarrassment.
I couldn't even laugh at what would have been able to make me feel better.
I felt a little twang of pain for brother who was obviously going to receive his own lecture; Maria roses would probably slap him.
I was in a daze though all I could think was the words spoken to me during the fight at Lab 5.
I hadn't told brother yet and I don't think I would about the killer Barry the Chopper.
Was it possible? Could I really be fake?
But I had memories I had to be real and brother was always doing his best for me I couldn't be fake.
'How do you know if he's really your brother, what if you're just a puppet?'
I couldn't be fake I just couldn't! I cared about brother! I cared! I remembered the promises, the nights filled with loneliness and darkness.
The nights with brother and his nightmares and recovery.
Mom but it was fuzzy when I began to think back that far, I remembered he death, her smile but her voice her exact face I…I couldn't remember…
But memories faded over time right!? I could remember the island and the fight, I remember Teacher!
But I couldn't remember how I became like this there was a gap during the night of the transmutation, could it be that its only memories?
Memories are information h-he could have given me the memories but-but it couldn't be I'm real! I'm real!
I didn't know what to think and it was a full day before I went to see brother or could even I call him that?
Was he even my brother? Was I real? I wanted to cry so badly, I wanted to scream and shout and tell Edward everything that Barry had said to me.
But I didn't.
I always looked back on that day with regret, maybe if I had just told him we never would have had a near fall out.
I'm like him that way, keeping my troubles to myself.
That was the last time I ever let my words hurt my brother and this time it wasn't on him at all, it had been completely and utterly my fault.
I'd never forget the way I snapped, it hadn't even been anything said in spite or anger.
Ed was just being Ed that morning glaring at his milk bottle like always, threatening it like it was some sort of evil little monster.
To this day I will never know why he hates it so much.
We were the only ones in the room Denny Brosh and Maria Ross were outside keeping guard like always.
I was already in an unsteady peace of mind after all I couldn't sleep; I had all night to brood.
And for once I found myself forgetting my promise.
Then he said it.
'I wish I was like you Al, you already have such a big body'
Something inside my already fragile mindset snapped.
"IT'S NOT LIKE I ASKED FOR THIS BODY BROTHER!'
I never heard the door open, never saw the shocked expressions on Winry or the others faces, or the look of hurt and painful fear pass before my brother's face.
He apologized tried to change the mood of the room.
I lost it, I honestly lost it, I started yelling things I didn't fully believe but I had been scared and what if it was true! There were some parts of my memories that I just couldn't recall.
My promise was the farthest thing from my mind, all I could remember was the fear and anger I felt and even more was the sickening satisfaction of watching my brothers face fall.
He looked so broken with each word I spoke and I felt myself feeling satisfaction about it.
I never felt like more of a monster than I did in that moment, if I had a stomach I would have thrown up.
Only a monster would enjoy watching the one person who had done nothing but give up everything for them get hurt.
When he banged his fists against the tray and asked in an angered voice (it was fake he wasn't angry he had given up, he was scared) if I had anything more to say if I had been harboring onto those feelings so long.
Did he think I always felt that way? I found myself thinking later.
When he left the room it was quiet and it wasn't until Winry hit me with her wrench and knocked me flat on my metal bottom did I realize exactly what I had done.
She started yelling at me tears running like rivers down her face, the last time she cried this badly was when I showed up in this body and Ed half dead in my arms and even farther back had been the day her parents died.
I could barely see her face amongst the tears; she kept hitting me with her wrench explaining everything.
About how I was an idiot for saying what I did, the way brother cried those days after the surgery when I couldn't even visit because of how weak he was.
I couldn't feel the pain I knew one would feel from the wrench only a few dents, Winry eventually collapsed into a heap crying.
'In what world would there be an idiot ready to give up his own life for a fake little brother? Isn't he your only brother?'
I was still in a numb shock which I didn't know I could feel without a body but apparently my soul could.
I never knew how I could ever doubt my humanity and the truth, I had to be human or else I wouldn't feel like a building was crushing me.
I wouldn't feel like breaking my own blood seal.
Guilt
Winry cleaned up her tearstained face and practically ordered (threatened) that I'd go and apologize to Ed.
I did leave and fast, not only to avoid her wrench again but because of the truth.
I had done it again and this time there was no excuse.
I broke my promise I broke it in the worst way possible, I had practically shoved it in my brothers face that I blamed him, that he wasn't telling the truth, that his sacrifices were nothing to me.
That he wasn't my brother.
How does it feel I wonder to be nearly disowned by your only living family?
I never wanted to know.
In our own way or should I say brothers way of speaking I ended up being able to apologize.
But I felt it had been too easy, I had nearly broken him completely with my accusation.
I saw it in his eyes. If I had gone any further in my accusation like about proving my blood seal or even worse we wouldn't have had this little fight for me to apologize.
Every time we got a peaceful moment I made sure to apologize to my brother, even with Winry with us I waited until I could say sorry in my own way.
I began to annoy him and I could see it but I rather have him annoyed than broken.
I'm my brother's worst enemy; I'm also his greatest strength.
Maybe it's time I began acting like it, because that outburst had shown me something else.
How glass like my brother was, its true he never lets anything take him down but its wearing on him.
Hopefully were close to the end because even though if he one day gives up, even if we can't go back to normal, I won't mind living like this if I do I'll break the seal when brother dies.
But I know something will change in him he'll become someone else, it's up to me to reassure him no matter how much closer were getting to the truth.
Because the day my brother ever gives up is the day I truly have become this monster.
Its utter crap I know I've never written Angst before, this is all Al's point of view I could do one with Ed beside this one if you guys like just tell me in the reviews, hopefully this isn't to cringe worthy in the awful department.
This could also be considered a One-shot I guess
As for my story Switched Realities my Wi-Fi is acting up so I won't be able to write the chapters for awhile seeing as I need to watch the episodes as I'm writing, phone internet works Wi-Fi is being a dick