A Homestar Runner Fanfic
Inspired by internet glurge!
By Laura McDaniel
It was a hot summer day in Free County USA. And like on most summer days, customers were flocking to Bubs's concession stand. His stock of Cold Ones, Melonades, and brightly colored drinks was quickly depleting.
When there was a break in the crowd, he stopped to count his money. "This has got to be my most successful day in recent history," he said to himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Strong Bad approaching the stand, clutching something in his right boxing glove. Quickly, Bubs set down his money and greeted the masked wrestler. "Hey there, Strong Bad!" Bubs said. "What can I get for you today?"
"Well, Bubs," Strong Bad replied, "it's just that, as you know, it's a really hot day…"
"Let me guess: You want a drink? Might I suggest a Cold One?"
"Sounds good. Only…" Strong Bad said, looking down at the item he was holding. "Can you make it 20?"
"Twenty Cold Ones? Strong Bad, I don't think even you could stand up straight after drinking 20 Cold Ones!"
"Oh, they're not just for me. I'm hanging out with 19 girls over there."
"19 girls?" Bubs asked, looking around. "Over where?"
"Did I say over there? I meant…uh…at my house. Now, will you give me those drinks?"
"Sure thing!" Bubs reached down and took out a tray that just happened to have 20 Cold Ones on it. "There you go. Cold Ones are 1 a piece, so that's 20."
"That's good because all I have is a 20 bill," Strong Bad said. He put the item he was holding down on the counter.
"Ewww...Is that what it is?" Bubs asked, glancing at the item, which was apparently a very dirty 20 bill.
"Yeah, that's what it is."
"It looks all soggy. What happened to it?"
"I dropped it in a mud puddle on the way here."
"Strong Bad, it hasn't rained in weeks. There aren't any mud puddles!"
"Did I say mud puddle? I meant the pond. Yeah. I dropped it in the pond. But that's all. It's still worth 20, right? No matter how muddy it is."
"Huh, I guess you're right," Bubs said, picking up the bill. "Well, thank you for your patronage."
"Oh, you're quite welcome!" Strong Bad replied, picking up the tray. He laughed when he turned away, which made Bubs a little suspicious.
However, being the ambitious entrepreneur he was, Bubs had more important things to pay attention to than Strong Bad's laughter. "That was the last of my Cold Ones. I'd better go to the storeroom to get some more. And I guess I'll put my money in my safe while I'm at it." He picked up his money and started walking to his storeroom.
On the way, he passed Strong Sad, who was sitting on a park bench and scribbling something in a notebook. He stopped for a moment to look over his work. "Hmm…let's see what I have so far," Strong Sad muttered to himself. "I am doomed here, lost in blackness, flailing through this bitter void…"
"Strong Sad, why in the world are you writing dismal poetry on a lovely day like this?" Bubs asked.
"It's just another summer day, just like all the others," Strong Sad lamented in reply.
"But why don't you go out and play some sports or something?"
"I'm not good at sports. I play board games sometimes, but nothing can sooth the melancholy that plagues my soul because I am a completely worthless being, just as Strong Bad tells me every day…"
Bubs cringed. Strong Sad was more melancholy than he had ever been, which meant he was twice as annoying as he usually was. "But Strong Sad, you can't really believe that. You're obviously just having a bad day."
"Strong Bad glued my hands to my face again today and started throwing balls at me. I hate it when he does that."
"Well, just because he always treats you so bad doesn't mean you're a worthless individual. Have a look at this 20 bill," Bus said, holding the 20 bill that Strong Bad gave him in front of Strong Sad. "It's all soggy and stuff, but it's still worth 20! You might've had a bad day, but you're still the same person, right? You're not worthless, no matter what happens to you." As soon as he spoke, Bubs realized just how cheesy his words were and he would've gagged had it not been for the fact that Strong Sad was actually smiling! It was a very small smile, but a smile no less. "What? You mean that stupid metaphor actually made you feel better?"
"Actually, no. It's just that you obviously don't know where that 20 bill has been."
"Strong Bad said he dropped it in the pond. Pond water's not that gross, is it?"
"Pond water can be quite unsanitary, but not as unsanitary as that 20 bill."
"Uh…what do you mean?"
"Well, as soon as I managed to unglue my hands from my face, I saw Strong Bad walking down the street and carrying a clean 20 bill. He stopped next to the Poop Smith who was, of course, shoveling poop. Then, Strong Bad dropped the 20 bill, and, well, it wasn't clean after that."
Bubs flinched slightly, realizing what Strong Sad meant. "So you mean…?"
"Of course!"
"Ewwwww!" Bubs exclaimed, dropping the 20 bill on the ground in front of him. "I…I…I gotta go wash my hands!" he sputtered before quickly running away.
Strong Sad sighed. "Perhaps I shouldn't have told him that. I'm all
alone again…" He looked down and noticed the 20 bill sitting on the
pavement. Without hesitating, he picked it up and stuck it inside his
notebook. "Well, it's not like I'm not going to die anyway," he said.