Snoop Wolf and the Three SemiClever Pigs

by abster525

This is a rendition of the fairy tale The Three Little Pigs. It is written in script form so it's a little different to read. It is not much different but it has some funny new spins to it. This is my first fanfic so constructive criticism is appreciated.

Snoop Wolf and the Three Semi-Clever Piggies

Characters:

Kelly C. Bacon: A 13 year old girlie-pig who is obsessed with Barbies and is an aspiring junior cosmetologist. She has blonde hair and is frequently seen wearing pink. She builds her house out of straw.

Kevin Bacon: A 16 year old jock-pig who loves sports. Has brown hair and is seen most often wearing a Porky Pedroia baseball tee. He builds his house out of sticks.

Eugenia Bacon: An 18 year old Star wars obsessed pig who has 100 cardboard Anakin cutouts. She has brown hair and is often seen wearing an "I Carrot Veggies" shirt. She builds her house out of brick.

Snoop Wolf: Main character of the story, he is a stealthy stalker/kidnapper who has a penchant for taking chubby pigs into captivity for his own…um…appetite-related pleasures. He is short and scruffy, and sly, kind of like a fox.

Tony the Tiger/Anakin: Is a silent part with lots of personality. Eugenia Bacon is smitten with him, this cardboard cutout, and throughout the whole story he remains focused and concentrated. You got to love a guy who can do that.

Prelude: Star Wars theme song

(The 3 pigs walk in carrying their supplies to build a house)

Scene One:

Kelly C. Bacon's Aria #1- "Barbie Girl"

(Snoop Wolf walks up casually to Kelly C. Bacons finished house)

Kelly C. Bacon-"What are you doing you crazy stalker?"

Snoop Wolf- (Beat-boxes quietly to himself) "Oh, just taking a stroll."

Kelly C. Bacon- (Sneers down with disgust at the little wolf) "Well stroll somewhere else because my brother Kevin says not to talk to strangers."

Snoop Wolf- (Considering smile) "Brother?"

Kelly C. Bacon- "Not only that but my Star-wars obsessed sister, Eugenia. Total geek."

Snoop Wolf- (Edges closer to the door) "Well, I was just coming around trying to sell some flowers."

Kelly C. Bacon- (Eyes light up and snatches the flowers; puts them up to nose) "Ooh! I love flowers! They clear my nasal passages! (Rubs them against her chubby cheeks) And they are ah-mazing moisturizers.

Snoop Wolf- "Well that's foshizzlin, it really is, and they are all yours if you tell me where your siblings live."

Kelly C. Bacon- (Snaps out of trance and scowls at the wolf) "Who do you think I am, customer services? I'm not going to tell you where my family lives!"

Snoop Wolf- (Growls slightly and roars) "Raaaaarrrr!"

Kelly C. Bacon- (With a bewildered expression) "Wha….?"

Snoop Wolf- (frowns and shows fangs) "You have pushed me off the edge homie, now I will huff, and puff and blow your flipping house down!"

Kelly C. Bacon- (Rolls eyes) "Oh, puh-leeze!"

Snoop Wolf- (Eyes widen, mouth puckers) "Whoooooooooooooooooo!"

Kelly C. Bacon- (screaming) "Aaah!" (Runs' away screaming right before her house capsizes onto her)

Scene Two:

"Pep Rally Song"

Kelly C. Bacon- (Runs up to Kevin's house while he is putting the last touches on his stick house) "Help Meeee!"

Kevin Bacon- (Spins around in confusion) "What!?"

Kelly C. Bacon- "The big gangsta wolf just blew my house down!"

Kevin Bacon- (Scoffs) "Nice one sis, but I haven't finished my house yet."

Kelly C. Bacon- (Gives the pristine house an appraising look) "Oh my gosh Kevin, puh-leeze!"

Kevin Bacon- (Grumbles with defeat) "Oh fine, but you sleep on the couch!"

Kelly C. Bacon- (Looks down the road in surprise) "Oh no!"

(Snoop Wolf is walking casually down the street beat-boxing and dancing to "Soulja Boy")

Kevin Bacon- (Sneers) "Who is that?"

Kelly C. Bacon- "It's the gangsta wolf!"

Kevin Bacon- (Thrusts arm in front of Kelly) "Quick, get in the house!"

Kelly C. Bacon- (Mumbles quietly to herself) "If you can call it a house…"

(Kevin sticks his tongue out at Kelly's back as she walks away, baseball in hand)

Snoop Wolf- (Strolls up to the doorway and leans on a heavy bag) "Watsup my brudda?"

Kevin Bacon- "Get lost, dude!"

Snoop Wolf- (Holds hands up in mock dismay) "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What did I do to deserve such a greeting?"

Kevin Bacon- (Curls lip and raises baseball bat a little higher) "Don't play dumb man, you just blew my sisters house down!"

Snoop Wolf- (places hands mockingly on upper chest) "Me? I am just a salesman collecting his wares! Besides, (eyebrows move downwards deviously) I figured a well-educated and chiseled man of your stature might appreciate some of my goods."

Kevin Bacon- (Hesitates and then nods his head cautiously) "What sorta goods are we talkin' here, Wolf?"

Snoop Wolf- (Seeing that he is victorious in his deceit) "Oh, nothing much, unless you count this item here… (Pulls out a baseball bat with a signature on its base) just a silly baseball bat really, signed by Porky Pedroia of course, but I am sure you wouldn't care about that."

Kevin Bacon- (Eyes light up) "Porky P….Pe….Pedroia?" (Lips tremble as he stares greedily at the bat)

Snoop Wolf- "Yes, but I can see you're not interested." (Begins to walk away)

Kevin Bacon- (Stumbles klutzily forward) "Wait! Wait! What do you want for it?"

Snoop Wolf- (Adopts a disarming smile) "Oh, really not much, just…your sisters address."

Kevin Bacon- (Raises eyebrows) "You wanna date Eugenia?"

Snoop Wolf- (Shakes his head rhythmically) "No, no, no, you ain't readin' me right man; I just want to sell her some of my other goods."

Kevin Bacon- "No way, man! I ain't gonna tell you where my sister lives! She will whip your butt if you interrupt her at this time of day!"

Snoop Wolf- (Throws back head and roars) "Arg!"

Kevin Bacon- "Whoa man, calm down!"

Snoop Wolf- (Ravenous look on his face) "No! You have denied me the right to knowing your sisters address! I am so not taking that lightly! I am gonna huff, and I am gonna really, really puff, and I am gonna blow your flipping house down!"

Kevin Bacon- (Scoffs) "Yeah right man, like anyone can do that."

Snoop Wolf- (Laughs maniacally) "Just watch me! (Heaves back head and throws it forward dramatically, lips puckered) Whooooooooooo!"

Kevin Bacon- "Aaah!" (Grabs the baseball bat from the wolf in the midst of the confusion and runs away with Kelly on his tail right before he is buried in a stick grave)

Scene 3:

Kevin Bacon & Kelly C. Bacon- (Run up frantically to Eugenia's doorstep and knock on the door) "Sis, help us!"

(The faint sound of music is heard through the door; Kevin and Kelly quietly turn the knob and tip-toe in. They are in shock at what they see)

Eugenia's Aria #2- "Pink and Nerdy"

(Eugenia is standing in the middle of the room with a microphone at her mouth and an Anakin cut-out by her side, singing a rendition of "White and Nerdy". She dances around and drags Anakin along with her, occasionally scanning their appearance in the mirror)

Kelly C. Bacon- (Looks at her with a mix of disgust and puzzlement) "Um…Eugi? What are you doing?"

(Eugenia spins around quickly, holding Anakin in front of her)

Eugenia Bacon- (Eyes peep over the top of Anakin's cardboard shoulder and dart around) "Whose there?"

Kevin Bacon- (Walking forward and pushing the door behind him) "Sorry to barge in on you sis, but me and Kelly just got our houses blown down by a wolf and we kinda need a place to hide."

Eugenia Bacon- (Giggles with feigned delight) "A wolf that blows down houses? That's almost as funny as the thought of the Jedi being ripped to shreds by Chewbacca!"

Kelly C. Bacon- "Yeah, hilarious. Anyways, do you think we could stay here for a little while?"

Eugenia Bacon- (Frowns as she looks from Kelly to Kevin to Anakin) "Well…me and Anakin were gonna go on a date tonight but I guess family comes first. Sure you can stay here, except you sleep in the tub. All my other rooms are filled up with my back-ups."

Kevin Bacon- (With a perplexed expression) "Back-ups?"

Eugenia Bacon- (Looks at Kevin with revulsion) "One Anakin can't last forever you know!"

Kelly Bacon- (Rolls her eyes sarcastically) "Oh yeah, how could we have missed that?"

Kevin Bacon- (Looks from Kelly to the road with an incensed expression) "Oh Kelly, look who's already here."

(They all turn to look at the road, where Snoop Wolf can be seen beat-boxing his way down the hill to Eugenia's doorstep)

Eugenia Bacon- (With a questioning look) "Is that the guy who blew down your house?"

Kevin Bacon & Kelly C. Bacon- "Yep."

Eugenia Bacon- (Stares voraciously at the wolf) "Don't worry, I'll handle him."

(Kevin and Kelly look at each other and shrug their shoulders, turning around quickly to run back into Eugenia's house)

Snoop Wolf- (Walks up to Eugenia's doorstep, a little less casually this time.) "Hey there, pretty lady, care to tell me if you are interested in some fine goods?"

Eugenia Bacon- (Places hands defiantly on hips) "Don't you "pretty lady" me you evil Darth Mal follower. I know what you're up to, and you are not gonna get anything from me! Not even a penny!"

Snoop Wolf- (With a slightly agitated edge to his voice) "I wish I could understand why you are so quick to judge me, but I guess I should just cut to the chase, right?"

Eugenia Bacon- (Nods her head)

Snoop Wolf- "That's what I thought. Now, I realize you must be very busy, being so preoccupied with… (Looks precariously over her shoulder at the scowling Anakin cutout behind her) things, but I will only be a minute of your time."

(Eugenia pulls her hands higher on her hips and raises her eyebrows)

Snoop Wolf- (Waits a second for any other reaction) "Right. Now I gather you are an avid Star Wars fan?

Eugenia Bacon- (Nods)

Snoop Wolf-"Ok, just making sure. Well, this is good, because I have just the thing for you! (He pulls out a longs silver handle and presses a button. A purple ray of light emanates from the tip)

Eugenia Bacon- (Jumps up and down and gasps) "Sweet mother of cheese! That is the rarest light saber! The mighty blade wielded by Obi Wan Kenobi himself! There are only 3 others in the whole world! Jumping jehosephat I must have it!" (Lunges for the handle)

Snoop Wolf- (Pulls his hand away and steps backwards) "Not so fast, pretty lady, there's a price you know."

Eugenia Bacon- (Hastily) "You name the price, I pay it!"

Snoop Wolf- "I would merely like you and your siblings to come to my office so I can take a couple of pictures of the lucky consumers!"

Eugenia Bacon- (Twiddles her thumbs and avoids his gaze) "Well….there's just one problem."

Snoop Wolf- "And that would be?"

Eugenia Bacon- "I'm allergic to photographic film."

Snoop Wolf- (Ponders her confession) "Ooh…."

Eugenia Bacon- (Lunges greedily for the light saber) "I'll take the light saber though!"

Snoop Wolf- (Pulls back) "Hey, hey, hey, no picture, no deal."

Eugenia Wolf- (Shrinks back with a thwarted expression) Well ok…. (Lunges once again for the saber and grabs it successfully) "Hahaha! Cheese head!"

Snoop Wolf- (Throws up hands in vexation) "Man, stealing must run in the family! I will just once again huff and puff and blow another flipping house down the ground! Whooooooooooooooooo!" (Pauses and yells in frustration when nothing happens) "Arg! This house is brick!"

Eugenia Bacon- "Hahaha! You'll never get me and Anakin now!"

Snoop Wolf- (tries with fury to blow down the house again) "Arghh!" (Blows rapidly) "Aaah!" (Faints)

Kevin Bacon & Kelly C. Bacon- (In unison) "Yay!" (They begin to run back home to begin rebuilding)

Eugenia Bacon- (Deviously) "He, he, he!" (Scuttles over to the prostrate wolf, grabs his bag of Star Wars goodies, runs back in to the house, and shuts the door)

Finale: "Star Wars Theme Song"

Fin