WARNING: Spoilers for season 11 in general, but especially 11x23 "Alpha and Omega".
Author's Note: This takes place during the scene in 11x23 "Alpha and Omega", in which Sam, Cas, Crowley, and Rowena notice the sun has been fixed.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
"He did it," Crowley says, and there's a hint of something there that makes Sam suspect the demon had secretly thought he would.
"He bloody did it," Rowena echoes, and her shock is untainted by any such faith in Sam's brother.
"Indeed," Cas asserts solemnly, yet his is the most confident voice of all, leaving no doubt the angel always trusted that his best friend would be successful.
Sam hears it all, every word they say. He recognizes the feelings underlying their sentences, perhaps because he is in a heightened state of emotion himself.
Or maybe he isn't.
Maybe he's a stone's throw away from feeling nothing at all.
A numbness is spreading inside, eating away at whatever else might have blossomed within otherwise.
His brother died after decades of fighting for the planet- the universe- he just re-balanced and preserved, and-
Numb.
His brother died a hero, after spending more than the past two years resenting himself and believing he was nothing but a curse like the one that had nearly consumed him, and-
Numb.
His brother, Dean Winchester, just died and Sam hadn't been there by his side, instead forced to literally sit this one out unable to lift a finger to protect his sibling because really, there was no point; to spare Dean would be to kill everything, Dean along with it all.
But this way meant Sam didn't even get the chance to go with him, to go out together, and-
Numb.
Sam's mind is racing and he realizes he's welcoming the numbness, encouraging it.
Chasing it.
He's begging it to take over because if the scale is tipped, if those other feelings rise up, then he won't be able to do this.
To think.
To stand.
To breathe.
And he needs to, because there's an unspoken rule Dean established long ago that Sam must always keep breathing no matter what.
The rule was just reinforced when Dean gave his life for his world, but not the same world everyone else was focused on.
Sam would trade it all to save what he just lost, but he can't, and-
Not numb enough.
After so many deaths and resurrections, it's too difficult to process that this loss is permanent. He's wishing there was something, anything, he could do to fix this. A spell, a deal, a personal sacrifice... But the old tricks are useless now.
This is what real defeat tastes like, and the victory of the Earth's survival will never wash the bitterness out.
He turns and walks slowly away from the others.
Still breathing, Sam tries to pretend he's as numb as he knows he'll never be.
Secondary Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I really needed to write something after that finale because I felt like Sam's perspective was asking for further exploration. Please do leave feedback, it's always greatly appreciated. :)