A/N: All mistakes are mine. As always, this story won't be too long. I'm thinking, maybe a three shot. Hope you enjoy!
Losing myself
"What are you doing here?" Emily asks, her voice stoic. Her eyes look so very sad, her posture lifeless, her body tired from the lack of sleep. It's obvious that the time the girls spent in A's layer has damaged them in ways they'll never be able to describe.
"I-I just really wanted to see you," Alison stutters out, fidgeting with her fingers.
"So, I came, I saw and now-" the blonde swallows hard. "-now in leaving again."
Gazing into mesmerizing brown orbs a few seconds longer, the blonde turns around to leave, her heart clenching with the thought of leaving Emily behind like this.
"I can't sleep," the brunette blurts out, eyes wide with fear, stopping Alison in her track.
"And I can't eat. I can't shake him off no matter how hard I try. I can't get the pictures out of my head", Emily rambles on, tears gathering in the corner of her eyes, her hands clenching the sheets besides her.
Alison who's been desperate for any form of contact with the brunette ever since she got out of the hellhole kneels in front of the bed, taking Emily's trembling hands in her own.
"Then let me in, Em. Let me be there for you. Please."
"No, I can't. You can't," the brunette tries to shake of the blondes soothing touch, getting out of her bed and causing the blonde to stand up as well. The brunettes demeanor changing instantly.
Emily's eyes flash with darkness and anger. Her body acting on an impulse, pinning the blonde against the wall and causing her to gasps out in shock, the blue eyed girl letting her own tears fall down.
"Don't you understand," Emily rises her voice.
"You can't help me, nobody can. You weren't there. Where were you, Alison? Where were you when I needed you the most? Where are you?" she sobs out, her body giving out.
Still clutching the blondes shirt, Emily slowly falls down on her knees, taking the blonde with her, sobs wrecking both girls bodies.
"I'm right here."
"No, you're not," Emily shakes her head, her face buried in the blondes shirt.
"Yes, I am," Alison replies determinately, trying to make Emily look up to her, only for the brunette to shake off her touch.
"Look at me. Emily look at me."
Alison grabs both of Emily's cheeks brushing her tears away with the pad of her thumps, their faces so close together that they can feel each other's breaths on their lips.
"I am right here. I've been here all this time and I'm not going, so stop trying to push me away. I'm not leaving you. I can't leave you, Em. Don't you understand?"
"Please don't leave," Emily whispers against her lips, eyes closing from exhaustion.
"I'm not," Alison promises.
They stay in that position for a while, Emily leaning against Alison, her face buried in between the blondes neck, while the blondes hands run up and down Emily's back.
Once the brunettes breath evens out and the blonde is sure that she fell into a deep slumber, she gathers the darker girl in her arms, laying her gently down on the bed. As gentle as possible, Alison wraps her arms around Emily, burying her face in the back of the darker girls neck until she falls asleep as well.
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Have you ever felt a pain that's so strong that it makes it almost impossible to breathe? Like there's a knife in your heart and an invisible hand is twisting the blade on repeat? The pain shooting through your body so strong that you want to curl up into a ball until it passes?
That's how Alison feels every time Emily is together with Sara.
She's not dumb. She knows that the main reason Emily is so determined to help the short haired blonde is because she feels powerless, out of control and this is her attempt of getting at least a little bit of control and power back.
If you can't help yourself, help others
But it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
And it shouldn't. Not when Alison has spent so much time on ignoring her feelings towards the brunette. Not when she did everything to hide them. How is it that the moment she has to hide them, they refuse to stay quiet?
It's ironic, really. The time Emily was in a good mental place and had feelings for the blonde, Alison tried to fight them and now that the brunette is mentally unstable, Alison has no power to fight them any longer.
She doesn't even know how the brunette feels anymore. Not when Emily is doing everything to shut her out.
And she feels like a fucking creep, standing a few yards away from Emily's home, watching the way Sara and Emily interact. She came to talk to Emily, to work through their problems but she can't seem to make her legs move forward now. Not when Sara is standing a little too close to Emily, not when they're embracing each other a little too long.
Alison is good in reading people, it's a game she excellence in. Maybe it's because she had to in order to survive or maybe it's because this is Emily and she always has been able to read the brunette better than anyone else.
It shouldn't hurt this much, should it?
The way Sara's body presses against Emily's shouldn't hurt this much. The way Emily's arms snake around Sara's waist shouldn't knock the wind out of her. Seeing them like this shouldn't cause tears to gather in the corner of her eyes.
So without even talking to Emily, Alison leaves and seeks refugee in the church she's been to more often than not these last few weeks.
And God, her life seriously became just one big joke. The girl, most people would describe as the "devils spawn" finds peace in a church.
Settling down on a bench the blonde finally lets the tears fall until someone's clears his throat.
Wiping the tears away the blonde turns her head to find Lorenzo standing a few feet behind her, giving her time to put herself together.
"Lorenzo," Alison states.
"Alison," he replies and points at the seat besides her. "May I?" The blonde nods.
They both stay silent. Neither one knowing how to approach the big elephant.
They kissed.
And deep down Alison knows that it'll never work out between them, not when everything in her body aches for a certain brunette. And she knows he's a good guy, someone you could rely on and maybe it could have worked out if she never met Emily.
Alison knows that it's her fault. Everything. A, Emily, Lorenzo.
She knows that the kiss should have never happened but she felt alone. Emily's been shutting her out ever since she got out of A's dollhouse finding comfort in someone else's arms. In Sara's arms. Alison knows she has no friends, no real family, people are hating her and talking behind her back.
"I hope I didn't cause much trouble with your father Alison," Lorenzo starts, clearing his throat.
"I kissed you because I wanted to and as much as I don't want you getting in any trouble, I also don't regret it. I'm not trying-"
"- to take advantage of your superior position," a firm voice interrupts causing Alison to freeze with shock.
"Emily Fields," he states.
Releasing a bitter laugh the brunette replies," Funny. I have no idea who you are."
"Em," Alison sighs out. Emily's eyes which have been fixed on Lorenzo connect with blue ones for the first time since she entered the church.
A heavy silence falls over them. The tension thick. Emily's body is trembling with anger, her fist clenching and unclenching.
"I think I should leave," Lorenzo states but it sounds more like a question, his eyes focusing on Alison.
"You probably should," the blonde replies softly.
Emily won't gaze in Ali's direction but the moment the door closes and Lorenzo has left, the brunette turns angrily towards the blonde.
"What the hell are you doing?" the angry brunette demands.
"You're in church, watch your tone."
"Watch my tone?" Emily asks incredulously.
"Alison. What. Are. You. Doing?"
"I wanted to be alone, okay? I needed a moment for myself. Did you fallow me?" the blonde calls out, her voice echoing through the building.
"So, you were alone with Lorenzo," the brunette counters, ignoring Alison's question.
Releasing a bitter laugh the blonde replies,"is this what it is about? You're jealous?"
"Oh please, don't flatter yourself Alison. He's almost half you're age it's disgusting. You're probably just stirring him along until you get bored. That's what you always do, isn't it?"
Emily's words are hitting her much more than they're supposed to. Especially because it's nothing that she didn't hear before but hearing them coming from Emily's mouth with such hatred wounds her in more ways than she'll ever be able to explain.
"I forgave you," the blonde whispers out brokenly, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
"I forgave you all. I've spent months in prison and I forgave you. I've been searching everywhere for you, only for you to cut me out of your life and I forgive you. No matter what I do and how hard I try, I will never be able to proof myself to you. You will never forgive me."
Emily is speechless. She expected the blonde to lash out as well. To get angry and to cut her with words, like she used to in the past. But this version of Alison is just a broken shell of the girl she used to know and deep down she knwos that Alison has changed. It's funny what love, fear and anger can do to a person. Even the best ones.
Accepting Emily's silence with defeat, the blonde turns around and leaves the church, leaving Emily behind. The moment she steps out of the church an arm grabs her and pins her against the wall, Emily's hands grabbing her arms.
"Stop running away," she pants against pink full lips. Their faces only inches apart.
"Running away? Emily I've been here all this time. No matter how much you tried to push me away, I've been here. Where are you, Em? I'm losing you and I'm losing myself and I don't know how to stop all this," the blonde sobs out, her body shaking from the force.
"Alison I-"
"No. Don't, okay? I don't need your pity. I've been on my own all this time Emily. So stop feeling sorry for me," she interrupts the brunette angrily. "Now let me go, Em."
"No," Emily replies firmly, her body still pressing Ali against the wall. The blondes body struggling against the brunettes firm hold, trying to break away.
"Emily, let go," she continues to struggle.
"No."
"Let go, Em. Please just let go. Let me go!"
"No. No. No! I can't."
It's like Emily is not herself anymore. Ever since they got out of the dollhouse, Alison noticed certain changes in the brunettes demeanor. The way Emily gets lost in her thoughts, sudden changes of mood. Anger.
It's different to the Emily she knew before.
"Please let go. You're scaring me," is what it takes for the brunette to finally let go, her eyes widening in shock from her own actions.
"Alison I'm so sorry. I-I'm- I don't know what just happened."
Never in her life before had Alison felt scared from Emily. The brunettes touch, the brunettes eyes, the way she would be around the blonde always being Alison safe haven.
Oh, how things have changed.
"I just need to leave," Alison chokes out through tears, leaving Emily behind.
"I'm scaring myself too," the brunette whispers out into the darkness.