"Masterpiece Theatre with Touma Hashiba"
By: Hoshi-chan
"Hello... and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. I am Touma Hashiba, your host for tonight..." Touma said, sitting upright in the tall leather chair. Touma was hosting Masterpiece Theatre for one night, and you can bet that when he heard the news, he was ecstatic! But, with much arguing, whining (done mostly by Shu), and mean looks given to him for a week, the others finally agreed that, for his best intrests as well as theirs, that Shu would accompany Touma to the show.
"Tonight we are going to show you an old movie set back in the western part of America, near the Spanish border..." he said and Shu, watching Touma from behind the cameramen, laughed quietly at how serious Touma was acting. Geez, he thought, If I was the one up there, I'd be making a joke out of the entire thing!
Shu wandered over to an abandoned bookshelf that the crew thought that they needed on the set, but later discovered that there was not enough room for it. So they ended up hauling of back offstage and now Shu sat leafing through the books.
"Man, who would wanna READ these ancient things?" he thought, disgustedly tossing a book back onto the shelf when he saw one book that didn't look quite as old as the rest of them. "He-ey!" he said, snatching it up and leafing through the pages.
The title read Mission: Impossible and caught Shu's intrests right away as he read as few pages then snapped it shut, suddenly getting an idea in his head. "Hey... I think that's enough reading for one night... for one lifetime, that's enough for me. Besides, it isn't like I haven't seen the movie..." he said, sitting in an abandoned chair and thinking out his plan.
"...Now, folks, this one is an old classic masterpiece!! Grab your popcorn, milkduds, and your sodas..." Touma stopped and suddenly flushed red. "Wait, that isn't right..." he mumbled to himself. He straightened himself back up in the chair and turned to face the camera. "Now, sit back and relax and watch... Zorro!" The camera's clicked off, pronouncing Touma's fifteen minute break until Zorro was over and he would have to go back on and host, once again. Not counting commercials.
"Hey Shu!" Touma said, his face lighting up when he saw his friend sitting in the chair, a mischevious grin on his face (but then again... oh nevermind). "Uh, Shu?" Touma asked, raising an eyebrow. "You wouldn't happen to be UP to something, now would you?"
"Who, mee?" Shu said innocently, looking up at him with large puppydog eyes. "Why would I be up to something? I'm sitting here being a good boy like you told me, daddy!"
Touma rolled his eyes and laughed. "Mmm-hmm... sure Shu. Just remember that lecture that I, and the rest of the guys, gave you the other day..." he warned.
"Oh, how could I forget? Shu, you had better not do anything to screw up my show or I will personally kick yous ass so hard that you won't be able to sit for a week," Shu mimicked Touma, shaking his finger at him.
"Did I really sound that bad?"
"Uh, yeah."
"We're on in five!" a voice shouted through the crowd, aimed towards Touma.
"Oops! I gotta go. Now, Shu, remember what I told you..." Touma said over his shoulder as he walked back onstage and sat in his chair, his hairdressers coming and making sure every sole lock was in place before being kicked off stage with ten seconds remaining.
"And we're on in five... four... three... two...!"
"Welcome back to Masterpiece Theatre..."
Back at Nasuti's...
"Ehhe... I wonder what Shu has up his sleeve this time!" Ryo said, jumping for a seat on the couch before anyone else could grab it.
"Hey...! Ryo, it's no fair that you get to hog the whole couch." Shin frowned. "And by the way, you never did show me the tape of my cooking show."
"Ehh..." Seiji said, scooting over father on the couch, resting his elbow on the arm of the couch and his chin in his hand with another bored expression on his face. He turned to Shin. "I... uh... we don't know what we did with... umm... White Blaze used it as a litterbox and... tragically... there was nothing we could do..."
"Huh? Seiji? What are you talking about? It is right he-" Ryo dove to cover Nasuti's mouth as Seiji grabbed the videocasette and stuck it in between the cushions on the couch, then sat down ontop of where he hid the tape.
"Ryo? Nasuti? What is going on?"
"Uh... Nasuti! I saw those chips you have hidden over there..." Ryo said, spotting an old bag of chips left over from a week ago.
"Huh?" Nasuti said and quirked her brow at Ryo with a confused look on her face. "What are you - ohh... yeah!" she said when she noticed what Ryo was motioning his elbow to. "Uh... no! Those are MY week old stale nasty chips..."
"GUYS!" Shin shouted so loud that the three nearly jumped out of their skin. "The show is on! We're missing the show!"
"Yeaaah!" Ryo said and let go of Nasuti and dove for his place on the couch. "Masterpiece theatre with TOUMA! We're taping this one too?"
"Yeah, I already have the tape in and recording." Nasuti informed him.
"Alright! I can't WAIT to see this!" Ryo exclaimed, reaching forward to the coffee table for his soda. Seiji winced as he recalled what had happened earlier when the three had been there watching Shin's show. Everytime Ryo moved, he would spill or knock over something.
"Ryo, you're not gonna make me change clothes again, are ya?"
"Huh? Oh... heh no I don't think- whoops!" Ryo said as he pretended to drop his soda on Seiji, but grabbed it a split-second before it would have been all over him. "Sike! Ahaha..." Ryo laughed, falling back onto the couch laughing.
"Mmmhmm, yeah. REAL funny..." Seiji growled and turned back to the TV. "Unlike SOME of you here, I would actually like to WATCH the show, mind you."
"Yeah!! We do too! Hey, look!! Shu is at it again!" Ryo said and everyone turned their attention back to the television.
"What is Shu doing?!" Shin cried, gaping at the TV. "I Cannot believe... he didn't..." Shin said, staring at the guys and slowly realizing the truth. The others slowly nodded their heads.
"Oh, my god..." Shin said, his face turning a ghastly white. "How could he... why didn't you TELL me? That way I could have kicked his ass in advance for Touma!"
"If I ever get my own show, I can tell ya this: he is definitely NOT going to the studio with me!" Seiji piped up. "If I have to tie him to a chair suspended above the Grand Canyon, I will!"
"Nice one, Seiji. Remember, the Grand Canyon is all the way in America?" Ryo pointed out.
"Yeah, I know." Seiji grinned. "That's why I said it, Ryo. Duh."
"Well? You guys are missing all the good parts!" Nasuti cried from in front of the coffee table staring intently at the television screen. "Oh, my god. I am suprised that he doesn't get himself kicked offstage!!"
Shin still sat staring at the television screen with a white face that slowly turned to red anger as he realized that Shu had sabatoged his show. He is gonna pay... Shin thought, turning his attention back to the TV as the camera zoomed in on Touma sitting in the chair. Then, slowly from behind the chair, Shu's head suddenly appeared behind the chair. He was holding up a sign that read 'Kyo wa T-bakku haiterunda' (which translates to: Today, I am wearing sexy underwear).
Everyone in the room except for Shin busted up laughing. "Does he really?" Ryo laughed so hard that he was crying. Seiji slapped his thigh.
"Now, THAT'S a good one!" he said, wiping the tears from his eyes. "But, leave it to Shu to do something like that!"
Shu then disappeared from the screen and the camera zoomed out, showing him crawling away from the back of the chair on his hands and knees like a dog. Yeah, the dog he is, Shin thought as he grimly watched Touma's show. He coul not believe that Shu, of all people, his best friend, had done such a thing to him.
Seiji looked up at Shin, who was standing behind the couch. "Hey, Shin. Really, it wasn't that bad. Except that... well, remember when you two left to studio... that was about the max of what he did."
"Wha - how! How did he do THAT?" Shin cried. "I mean, I know I don't remember much about coming home-"
"That's ok, Shit Morning." The others laughed and watched as a commercial came on the screen.
"Well, I'm gonna go get some more chips n' salsa!" Ryo said, jumping up and heading into the kitchen to get his and Touma's favorite television time snack.
And back at the studio...
Shu quickly slipped back to his seat right as Touma walked over with a confused look on his face. "Why are you acting so... I don't know. Good? You're sitting here the whole time! I can't believe it! Especially since after what you did to Shin..."
"Oh, that? Poo!" Shu said, waving his hand. "That was just because he was my best friend and I felt like giving him some shit. Now, you, on the other hand. I know that if I did anything like that to you that you would kick my ass from here to Timbucktu and, personally, the people there are just so imhumaine..." Kento trailed off and leaned towards Touma, patting him on the back. "Just keep up the good work!! Your five minute commercial break is just about over!"
"Oh! Oops! I'll see ya in a bit!" Touma said and walked back to the stage, his back to Shu and revealing a small card on his back that read, 'conokso nani me ten di o?' And slipped back away, not unnoticed by the crowd, of course!! The crowd got a good look at the sign on his back which translated to 'What the fuck are you looking at?' Everyone in the audience got a kick out of that.
Touma, for this shot, was supposed to face a bookcase, his back to the the audience and, much to Shu's pleasure, the camera for the whole world to see. The the 'On Air' sign started to flash and Shu watched the show air from a television set up offstage. He couldn't help but giggle.
Touma turned to face the camera, catching a glimpse of the sign in the mirror and his face scrunched up. But he regained his posture and continued on, steady as before. He'd wait until after the show to blow up at Shu. I just hope he doesn't make friends with any of the camera ladies while I'm on... oh, Gods... what the hell is he doing NOW? he thought.
Shu darted next to the bookcase, his back to it, and peered around the corner slowly. He was wearing dark black sunglasses and humming a theme... a familier theme... Mission Impossible!!
"Dum dum de dum, dum dum de dum, dum dum de dum, dum dum de dum, doodleloo, doodleloo..." Shu hummed to himself as he darted to behind the chair, then rose slowly, peeking over the top of it and looking around. Touma was trying his best not to laugh, even if he was po'ed at Shu right now.
Then, Shu pulled out something from underneath his windbreaker that he was wearing. A fake plastic gun!! He jumped out from next to a bookcase and held it out, out of the view of the cameras, and pointed it towards Touma. He acted as if he were going to blow his head off. And the audience didn't know that this was just a game.
"OH MY GOD!!" one man cried from the audience. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!"
"What?" Shu said, turning to the audience who had started to scream and scatter, making a mad dash towards the fire exits. Any door they were close to and could get out of the building safely. Even the camera people deserted their cameras and run.
"RUN FOR THE HILLLLLLLSSSSSSS!!!!!!" an old man said as he crawled past Shu, standing up on stage still with his mouth hanging wide open. Touma, noticing that he didn't have an audiencec anymore, turned to Shu.
"SHU!! What the hell did you DO?"
"Uh... uh..." Shu was, for once, at a loss for words. Touma wasn't when he spotted the fake plastic squirt gun in his hands.
"SHU ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU'RE GONNA GET US IN JAIL FOR THIS!! You BAKA!" Touma cried, picking up a chair and chasing his around the studio with it. The old man, still lingering in front of the stage because he wasn't quick enough to make it to the exit, stopped walking and held up his cane, shaking it while yelling, "Go Jerry! Go Jerry!! Yeah, a Jerry Springer!!"
Suddenly, Touma stopped chasing Shu when the three remaining people in the studio heard the wail of police sirens. Before they knew what to do, the police busted into the studio, bring with them the whole navy and everything.
"Ok sir, put down the gun!" the chief yelled through a megaphone and cops quickly surrounded the three, guns pointed.
The old man tried to toddle away but was caught by a pair of handcuffs. "What do you think you're doing, sonny? I was just trying to enjoy a nice show of Masterpiece Theatre! Unhand me, you brute!! Gah!" he said and proceeded to beat the cop senseless with his cane in his free hand.
Five hours later at the police station...
"I swear Shu is going to pay for this... there was NO excuse for what he did. And the bail!!" Nasuti said through her teeth. She was obviously pissed off at Shu, and noone was going to try to reason with her. "This is WORSE than that one time that you guys had that party and everyone crashed at my place - literally!"
"Uh... ahem..." Shin said, looking away. "I had nothing..."
"You most certainly did too!! And if I heard correctly, you were the one strip dancing on my coffee table!! So don't you go trying to tell ME that you're all innocent!! Because," she said, shoving her finger up in his face, "for all I know this is just an act that you're putting on!!"
"Nasuti!! Nasuti please calm down!!" Ryo said, placing his hands on her shoulders and leading her to a seat on one side of the police station. "Nasuti, you have got to get ahold of yourself!! Its only a little money-"
"A little? Ryo, A LITTLE?"
Ryo turned away disgustively and turned to talk to the officers, and handed the chief some money, quite a large sum, in fact. And, after filling out numerous forms and papers, Touma and Shu were free.
"Hey, whadabout meee?" the old man wailed from inside his cell.
"Stuff it, old man!" Nasuti growled as she grabbed Shu's hand and yanked him practically the whole way to the jeep. "You listen to me and you listen to me good!! You keep this up... no wait. NO FOOD FOR A WEEK, SHU!"
"What? Noooooooooooooo!!" Shu wailed and started to bawl.
Ryo went soft on Shu. After all, he WAS just trying to be funny. He turned to Nasuti. "I think that's a bit harsh. I think just a diet will do. No more dessert for... three months."
"Noooo!!"
Nasuti grinned. "That'll do just fine."
Shu looked up at someone to try to get some sympathy. But when he saw Touma's face, he shreiked as Touma grabbed a nearby shopping cart that had rolled into the parking lot from the adjacent lot and started chasing Shu with it. "GET BACK HERE YOU... ARGH!!"
Let's just say it took them all QUITE awhile to get over THIS incident!!!