Title: Sticking around
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: S/T friendship, B/S and W/T implied. And W/K, sadly.
Setting: The story takes place right after "End of Days." So spoilers up to then!!!
Disclaimer: Spike and Tara belong to Joss Whedon, ME et al. So do Buffy, Angel and even the First. I don't want of harm any of them - no copyright infringement intended. So please don't sue me.
Feedback: Yes, please!!! Always appreciated.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: The First tries to get to Spike after he has seen... well you know...the horror that appeared at the very end of "End of Days". But Spike gets help from someone who definitely won't appear in "Chosen" (contains absolutely no spoilers for the final ep - none that I know of. I'm spoiler free :-) )
Author's note: I wrote this because I was *very* upset after watching "End of Days", and because I secretly fear "BtVS" will end without any further mentioning of Tara. Can't let that happen...not in my world, no. I couldn't work on my other story tonight (too upset, you know...*aargh*), but don't worry, I'll finish that one as well.
***
"That bitch." The First was standing next to Spike while he was watching Buffy and Angel kiss.
He didn't want to listen. He didn't want to see. But what was he to do?
"There she goes, kissing him. Didn't she tell you you gave her strength? And you thought she was there with you. All she does is use you, your body, your strength. Your soul."
My soul, he thought. He had believed it would make a difference. The difference. He had wanted to give her what she deserved. But she wouldn't take it from him. Never. Maybe one day - maybe one day. And he had believed her. He truly was love's bitch.
"She doesn't want you. She'll always want him - always wanted him. When you were with her - when you held her, she was with him. She'll always be with him - be his girl. Never yours."
The words didn't get to him. They couldn't hurt him. They wouldn't. She believed in him, didn't she? Or had that been the First? He wasn't sure anymore. He remembered how she had saved him, carried him, taken care of him, defended him. Why?
"You were her strongest fighter." It sounded amused. "But now -"
He was useless. It would never do, he could never give her what she wanted. What she deserved.
"Because she'll never take it."
No, she would. Some day. One day. One day, she would tell him. The blond girl had told him, the one she had tried to save. He had to get out of there, had to get away, so it couldn't get him. He was hers. Even if she didn't want him -
"So you're running away? Afraid of what you're going to see?" It followed him laughing at him, talking with her voice, with her face.
He wouldn't talk - wouldn't answer. That's what it wanted, it wanted him to listen, to give in, to work. He wouldn't let himself be used.
"No? Too good for that now, are you? But you know you're no good on your own, you never were. You can't live without. You're nothing without the pain."
Love. It was love, had always been love. Love was pain. For him, it was. "If it makes her happy." He shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have said anything. Especially if he didn't even believe it. It would know.
"Of course it does. You could never do that. You'll always be evil - and you can't fight it. She knows. She knows you better than you do yourself. That's why she can never trust you."
"She trusts me. She does believe in me. She told me."
"*I* believe in you. You belong with me - the light is too bright for you. You don't belong there, and she'll never join you."
"I am a good man now."
"Man? You are not a man. You can never be that. Did she tell you that? You'll always be a thing, so don't play pretend... you may be able to fool yourself, but you can't fool me."
He started running now - he had to get away. Away from it - from himself. He couldn't hurt her again.
"But she can. And she'll always do. Why are you running away? It's no use. I'll find you - I'll always find you."
Where were they now? He wondered. Would she tell him about -them?
"There is no you." The voice was full of contempt.
But there had been - he had felt it. No matter what happened - he still remembered how she had held on to him. He had to remember that.
"I told you. She wouldn't have if he had been there." He stopped. Where was he? Where had he gone to? A cemetary. One he didn't know? He looked around him, noticing it was still following him. And he knew it was getting to him. Why was he still fighting?
"Why are you still fighting? You're evil - that's what you are. You can't change. You'll always be mine." He stopped abruptly. He hadn't been here before. Why had he come here?
Suddenly he didn't hear the First anymore. He didn't see it either, nor did he see them. All he was aware of was the grave he was standing at.
One year old. It looked older - untidy. They didn't seem to have taken care of it, probably hadn't had the time... there were no flowers. He kneeled down, his duster brushing over the grass. He slowly traced the letters on the stone with his fingers. Why had he never come here?
He had forgotten about her - like they all had. Had he even missed her? He didn't remember, there had been the voices and then her - Buffy. He had never even thought about her.
"It doesn't matter." He recognized her voice. He looked up and saw her sitting on a nearby stone, smiling at him.
"Different costume?" he asked her.
"What? No. I don't think it ever thought about - being me. Or making me be it. Guess I'm not that important." She tried to smile again, but this time didn't succeed. Once again he was painfully aware of the condition of the grave. He wanted to apologize, but she wouldn't let him.
"It's ok. It's not your fault."
"Why did it happen?" he wanted to know. "Why did we forget? Was it - it?"
She laughed, almost cheerfully."You mean, was there a spell? A memory spell? Wouldn't that be ironic?" There was a pause. Then she continued, now in a more serious voice, "It shouldn't surprise you nobody notices me. I wasn't exactly center stage when I was - you know..."
"Alive?" he offered. She nodded. "You were for Red - and for the niblet. And the demon didn't mind you either. And Buffy told me you -"
"Helped her? Yeah, that's what I did. That's what I do." She laughed again, this time softly. "That's why I'm here."
"To help me?" He was surprised. Why would -
"Why would I help you? Why wouldn't I?"
"I'm not sure I would if all my friends had forgotten me -"
"They haven't."
"You didn't seem to convinced only a few moments ago."
"Believe me, I know. Not everything's like it looks like."
He thought about that. "Still talking about yourself, are you?"
She smiled that lopsided grin of hers. "You tell me."
He stood up again and looked around him. "Where did it go?"
"Somewhere else I guess... where it can hope to achieve something."
"How do you know-"
"You know it yourself," she told him.
He didn't reply for a moment. Then he asked her, "Why did she do that?"
"It's not up to me to answer that. You have to ask her yourself."
"Will she answer me?"
She looked at him earnestly. "Yes."
"Will I like the answer?"
"I'm not the First, Spike, I can't read your mind." Again, that cheerful laughter. How could she be cheerful?
"If you're not the First, what - who are you?"
"I'm me. Except, less corporeal and invisible most of the time."
"Why are you not in - where the Slayer was? Wouldn't they let you in? Cause if they didn't, I really have to have a word with them."
She smiled, gratefully. "They would've. I didn't want to enter. Rather chose to stick around."
"You still love her?"
She didn't reply. "Of course you do. I'm sorry, that was a - a very stupid question. So - what do you do all day long?"
"I stick around."
"Her?" She nodded. "Why are you here now, then?"
"Because you needed me more now, I guess. I'm the one who helps, remember."
"That makes me the one who needs help, then." He looked at her.
"You alright with that?" she asked him, teasingly.
"I don't think I need it anymore. You already did what you had to do."
"Yeah? Wow. That was much easier than I thought. Guess some of your blood rushed in the direction of your brain as well." She grinned again.
"Hey! You were with me - us - the as well?"
"Well, I didn't really feel like Will- like watching them... you know."
"Oh. I see. It must be hard, seeing her - them - like that. Come to think about it, I know exactly what you mean."
"No, it's - it's okay. I mean I'm glad she found someone who loves her."
Spike snorted. "You think I'm that thick?"
She smiled guiltily. "You're right. I hate it. Every second. But it's not as if I can do anything - besides, at least I tried to like her."
He raised his eyebrow. "Really? I'm impressed."
"Well, it didn't work. But - it's - I'm glad she's not alone. Everybody -"
"'Everybody needs somebody to love.' I know. So you'll just be waiting for her?"
"I guess." She sighed. "But speaking of waiting - you've had your share of that. Buffy needs you."
"Does she?"
"Hey, you told me you didn't need my help anymore. Was that just you being macho or -"
"No. I believe she does. I'll go and talk to her."
"Good." She seemed satisfied. "Off you go then."
He hesitated for a moment, then turned to leave. "Spike," she called softly after him.
"Yes?"
"You just have to be patient. And ask her."
"I will. And - I'll remember Red to look after your - you know..."
"Will you ever use her real name?" she teased him.
"Will you?" he asked in return, having noticed she hadn't.
"I do. Every night. But actually -" she grinned again, "that's none of your business. It's mine - and Willow's."
He nodded. As he left, he heard her add, "Good luck."
Spike turned around one more time and he saw her still sitting on the stone. It looked as if she had already forgotten him. He had seen that look before, when she and Willow had been together - anywhere. He smiled. He had been a bit afraid the First would be there again now he was leaving, but she probably had been right. It probably was somewhere else.
So he would try and find Buffy - and Angel. Help prevent the apocalypse again. He decided he wouldn't tell Red anything before they hadn't stopped it. That way they probably would be on the safe side. Tara wouldn't let him or any of the others die - not until he had told Willow Tara was still with her - would always be with her.
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: S/T friendship, B/S and W/T implied. And W/K, sadly.
Setting: The story takes place right after "End of Days." So spoilers up to then!!!
Disclaimer: Spike and Tara belong to Joss Whedon, ME et al. So do Buffy, Angel and even the First. I don't want of harm any of them - no copyright infringement intended. So please don't sue me.
Feedback: Yes, please!!! Always appreciated.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: The First tries to get to Spike after he has seen... well you know...the horror that appeared at the very end of "End of Days". But Spike gets help from someone who definitely won't appear in "Chosen" (contains absolutely no spoilers for the final ep - none that I know of. I'm spoiler free :-) )
Author's note: I wrote this because I was *very* upset after watching "End of Days", and because I secretly fear "BtVS" will end without any further mentioning of Tara. Can't let that happen...not in my world, no. I couldn't work on my other story tonight (too upset, you know...*aargh*), but don't worry, I'll finish that one as well.
***
"That bitch." The First was standing next to Spike while he was watching Buffy and Angel kiss.
He didn't want to listen. He didn't want to see. But what was he to do?
"There she goes, kissing him. Didn't she tell you you gave her strength? And you thought she was there with you. All she does is use you, your body, your strength. Your soul."
My soul, he thought. He had believed it would make a difference. The difference. He had wanted to give her what she deserved. But she wouldn't take it from him. Never. Maybe one day - maybe one day. And he had believed her. He truly was love's bitch.
"She doesn't want you. She'll always want him - always wanted him. When you were with her - when you held her, she was with him. She'll always be with him - be his girl. Never yours."
The words didn't get to him. They couldn't hurt him. They wouldn't. She believed in him, didn't she? Or had that been the First? He wasn't sure anymore. He remembered how she had saved him, carried him, taken care of him, defended him. Why?
"You were her strongest fighter." It sounded amused. "But now -"
He was useless. It would never do, he could never give her what she wanted. What she deserved.
"Because she'll never take it."
No, she would. Some day. One day. One day, she would tell him. The blond girl had told him, the one she had tried to save. He had to get out of there, had to get away, so it couldn't get him. He was hers. Even if she didn't want him -
"So you're running away? Afraid of what you're going to see?" It followed him laughing at him, talking with her voice, with her face.
He wouldn't talk - wouldn't answer. That's what it wanted, it wanted him to listen, to give in, to work. He wouldn't let himself be used.
"No? Too good for that now, are you? But you know you're no good on your own, you never were. You can't live without. You're nothing without the pain."
Love. It was love, had always been love. Love was pain. For him, it was. "If it makes her happy." He shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have said anything. Especially if he didn't even believe it. It would know.
"Of course it does. You could never do that. You'll always be evil - and you can't fight it. She knows. She knows you better than you do yourself. That's why she can never trust you."
"She trusts me. She does believe in me. She told me."
"*I* believe in you. You belong with me - the light is too bright for you. You don't belong there, and she'll never join you."
"I am a good man now."
"Man? You are not a man. You can never be that. Did she tell you that? You'll always be a thing, so don't play pretend... you may be able to fool yourself, but you can't fool me."
He started running now - he had to get away. Away from it - from himself. He couldn't hurt her again.
"But she can. And she'll always do. Why are you running away? It's no use. I'll find you - I'll always find you."
Where were they now? He wondered. Would she tell him about -them?
"There is no you." The voice was full of contempt.
But there had been - he had felt it. No matter what happened - he still remembered how she had held on to him. He had to remember that.
"I told you. She wouldn't have if he had been there." He stopped. Where was he? Where had he gone to? A cemetary. One he didn't know? He looked around him, noticing it was still following him. And he knew it was getting to him. Why was he still fighting?
"Why are you still fighting? You're evil - that's what you are. You can't change. You'll always be mine." He stopped abruptly. He hadn't been here before. Why had he come here?
Suddenly he didn't hear the First anymore. He didn't see it either, nor did he see them. All he was aware of was the grave he was standing at.
One year old. It looked older - untidy. They didn't seem to have taken care of it, probably hadn't had the time... there were no flowers. He kneeled down, his duster brushing over the grass. He slowly traced the letters on the stone with his fingers. Why had he never come here?
He had forgotten about her - like they all had. Had he even missed her? He didn't remember, there had been the voices and then her - Buffy. He had never even thought about her.
"It doesn't matter." He recognized her voice. He looked up and saw her sitting on a nearby stone, smiling at him.
"Different costume?" he asked her.
"What? No. I don't think it ever thought about - being me. Or making me be it. Guess I'm not that important." She tried to smile again, but this time didn't succeed. Once again he was painfully aware of the condition of the grave. He wanted to apologize, but she wouldn't let him.
"It's ok. It's not your fault."
"Why did it happen?" he wanted to know. "Why did we forget? Was it - it?"
She laughed, almost cheerfully."You mean, was there a spell? A memory spell? Wouldn't that be ironic?" There was a pause. Then she continued, now in a more serious voice, "It shouldn't surprise you nobody notices me. I wasn't exactly center stage when I was - you know..."
"Alive?" he offered. She nodded. "You were for Red - and for the niblet. And the demon didn't mind you either. And Buffy told me you -"
"Helped her? Yeah, that's what I did. That's what I do." She laughed again, this time softly. "That's why I'm here."
"To help me?" He was surprised. Why would -
"Why would I help you? Why wouldn't I?"
"I'm not sure I would if all my friends had forgotten me -"
"They haven't."
"You didn't seem to convinced only a few moments ago."
"Believe me, I know. Not everything's like it looks like."
He thought about that. "Still talking about yourself, are you?"
She smiled that lopsided grin of hers. "You tell me."
He stood up again and looked around him. "Where did it go?"
"Somewhere else I guess... where it can hope to achieve something."
"How do you know-"
"You know it yourself," she told him.
He didn't reply for a moment. Then he asked her, "Why did she do that?"
"It's not up to me to answer that. You have to ask her yourself."
"Will she answer me?"
She looked at him earnestly. "Yes."
"Will I like the answer?"
"I'm not the First, Spike, I can't read your mind." Again, that cheerful laughter. How could she be cheerful?
"If you're not the First, what - who are you?"
"I'm me. Except, less corporeal and invisible most of the time."
"Why are you not in - where the Slayer was? Wouldn't they let you in? Cause if they didn't, I really have to have a word with them."
She smiled, gratefully. "They would've. I didn't want to enter. Rather chose to stick around."
"You still love her?"
She didn't reply. "Of course you do. I'm sorry, that was a - a very stupid question. So - what do you do all day long?"
"I stick around."
"Her?" She nodded. "Why are you here now, then?"
"Because you needed me more now, I guess. I'm the one who helps, remember."
"That makes me the one who needs help, then." He looked at her.
"You alright with that?" she asked him, teasingly.
"I don't think I need it anymore. You already did what you had to do."
"Yeah? Wow. That was much easier than I thought. Guess some of your blood rushed in the direction of your brain as well." She grinned again.
"Hey! You were with me - us - the as well?"
"Well, I didn't really feel like Will- like watching them... you know."
"Oh. I see. It must be hard, seeing her - them - like that. Come to think about it, I know exactly what you mean."
"No, it's - it's okay. I mean I'm glad she found someone who loves her."
Spike snorted. "You think I'm that thick?"
She smiled guiltily. "You're right. I hate it. Every second. But it's not as if I can do anything - besides, at least I tried to like her."
He raised his eyebrow. "Really? I'm impressed."
"Well, it didn't work. But - it's - I'm glad she's not alone. Everybody -"
"'Everybody needs somebody to love.' I know. So you'll just be waiting for her?"
"I guess." She sighed. "But speaking of waiting - you've had your share of that. Buffy needs you."
"Does she?"
"Hey, you told me you didn't need my help anymore. Was that just you being macho or -"
"No. I believe she does. I'll go and talk to her."
"Good." She seemed satisfied. "Off you go then."
He hesitated for a moment, then turned to leave. "Spike," she called softly after him.
"Yes?"
"You just have to be patient. And ask her."
"I will. And - I'll remember Red to look after your - you know..."
"Will you ever use her real name?" she teased him.
"Will you?" he asked in return, having noticed she hadn't.
"I do. Every night. But actually -" she grinned again, "that's none of your business. It's mine - and Willow's."
He nodded. As he left, he heard her add, "Good luck."
Spike turned around one more time and he saw her still sitting on the stone. It looked as if she had already forgotten him. He had seen that look before, when she and Willow had been together - anywhere. He smiled. He had been a bit afraid the First would be there again now he was leaving, but she probably had been right. It probably was somewhere else.
So he would try and find Buffy - and Angel. Help prevent the apocalypse again. He decided he wouldn't tell Red anything before they hadn't stopped it. That way they probably would be on the safe side. Tara wouldn't let him or any of the others die - not until he had told Willow Tara was still with her - would always be with her.