A/N: Well, here we are at last. I would have liked my first contribution to this site to be a bit more of a bang. This is more like a wet fart that you hope nobody will notice but deep down, you know that someone's going to stare at you for it. I promise I've got better stuff going through the works and getting whittled down into something resembling good, but for now here's something I managed to get out in an hour while on a caffeine high and then work into something vaguely shareable.
It's T for a reason and that reason is the last word. The rest of it's probably K or K+ but I'm going to play safe here. The review button is down the bottom, feel free to fling shit at me down there.
101 Things to Remember When Living in South Park
1. Do not comment on Kyle Broflovski's hair, religion, or birthplace. In fact, just don't comment on him at all.
2. Referring to Eric Cartman's weight in a negative light might make him help you get out of your unhappy marriage, but you still probably shouldn't do it.
3. Spending extended periods of time in the company of Kenny McCormick may seem like a good idea as he is decent company, but it will completely void your life insurance policy.
4. There are three Kevins in South Park. One is an alcoholic white trash teenager, one is a genetic experiment gone wrong, and one is a ten year old with a Star Wars obsession. Do NOT mix them up - none of them will take it well.
5. Don't even think about picking on Karen McCormick. He will know.
6. Do not stand between Cartman and Casa Bonita. Do not attempt to look at his underwear when he comes out, either.
7. When forming a band, Kenny may be attracted to the drum kit. If you convince him to sing, however, it will be very worth your while.
8. Wendy Testaburger may seem nice enough, but she can be just as diabolical as Cartman when she wants to be. She can pack a punch, too.
9. Baseball is not as important to the kids as it is to you.
10. Don't talk to Stan Marsh about cults.
11. If giant guinea pigs, evil parallel universe animals, giant mechas or the Old Ones attack the town, do panic but don't be surprised - it happens surprisingly regularly.
12. Randy Marsh wants to be part of a relevant culture trend. While he may never succeed in successfully integrating himself into World of Warcraft or tween wave, don't try to stop him.
13. Rooting around in Kenny's Internet history, his closet, under his bed or anywhere he could reasonably keep magazines will scar you for life.
14. Calling Pip Pirrup French counts as attempted suicide.
15. If Bradley Biggle seems a bit obsessed with breakfast cereal, there's probably a reason for it.
16. Your penis length is far above average. Just because Kenny is ten and has been measured to have an eight incher does not change that. (Does not apply to Cartman)
17. To become a non-conformist, you must conform to the non-conformist ways.
18. It is entirely possible to use stem cells to build your own fast food outlet. However, there will always be better uses for them.
19. Do not cross Kenny. He's friends with Satan.
20. Do not cross Kyle. He will beat the crap out of you.
21. Do not cross Stan. He's a nice guy and he'll take it badly.
22. Do not cross Cartman. He deserves it but he has a knack for over the top revenges.
23. Butters Stotch can easily be put up to do pretty much anything you want him to - this does not, however, mean that you should take advantage of this.
24. Always leave the toilet seat down.
25. Stephen and Linda Stotch are not easily convinced that they are in the wrong with regards to their questionable parenting methods. However, smearing shit on their walls will get the message across.
26. Most of the adults you will come across can be written off as charity work. If you need a smart person, go visit one of the kids.
27. If you are a non-white kid and there is another kid of matching ethnicity and opposite gender in town, do not be surprised if you find yourself locked in a changing room overnight with them.
28. Do not attempt to be a part of Randy's lies. You may end up minus a limb or otherwise dead from blood loss.
29. Clyde Donovan is not on Kenny's level, but he does have a porn addiction. If you need his attention for any period of time, make sure he doesn't have any Playboys knocking around.
30. Sixth graders are arseholes, but if you can provide them with a picture of some stonking great titties then they'll be your allies for life.
31. Kyle's big-wheel is surprisingly explosive.
32. If Stan admits to doing something that caused a minor disaster, he's probably not being metaphorical.
33. If Cartman invites you to talk out on Stark's Pond, turn the offer down.
34. Someone having his picture inside their locker does not mean that they are him.
35. Just because you've been voted the ugliest kid in class does not mean that you are ugly.
36. It is an objective fact that Sheila Broflovski is a big fat bitch, and she may well be the biggest in the whole wide world. Just don't talk about it in front of Kyle.
37. Surprising though it may be, Kenny and Craig Tucker are kind of friends.
38. Ike Broflovski is not a dustbin - he is a genius. He still lacks bladder control, though.
39. Craig loves his guinea pig. No giant guinea pig attack will change this. Therefore, do not use Stripe to insult Craig, or insult Stripe at all.
40. Coffee ≠ Ritalin. Therefore if Tweek Tweak says he sees something, no matter how far out it may seem, he has probably seen it. Conversely, if you think you see something while on Ritalin, it's probably not there and not worth the effort of attacking.
41. Timmy Burch is surprisingly intelligent.
42. Kenny's style of writing is rather high and aloof. However, this will not stop him commenting on any nice milk factories he may have seen.
43. There are many people around town who will take you in if you do right by them. Among those who will not take you in if you're an enormous dick to them are Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Butters, Craig and Jimmy Valmer.
44. Cartman is mentally subnormal. He will find ways to convince himself that everyone thinks he's awesome and cool, and that he is the single greatest thing to happen to the world since Adolf Hitler.
45. Do not allow Principal Victoria to make you a ghost costume. A Chewbacca mask will more than suffice.
46. If Kenny disappears for a few days, don't worry. He'll be back eventually.
47. No matter how mad he makes you, giving Kyle the HIV virus will not speak in your favour.
48. Pee is to Kyle as water is to a Gremlin.
49. Bananas are to Kyle as food after midnight is to a Gremlin.
50. Stan and Kyle are inseparable as friends. When they do separate, though, it is wise to keep a few generously sized states between yourself and them.
51. If you decide to create a super villain persona and then enlist Cartman as an ally, be prepared to have to do something a little more drastic than you're used to. Also be aware that he will stop you.
52. If you suspect Cartman may be attempting to double cross you at some point, don't let him follow you.
53. There are two kids who wear predominantly blue and yellow and don't say much. Strangely enough, they are neither related nor do they really hang around with each other.
54. As Jason's tastes in sci-fi are not popular knowledge, comments about him resembling a Klingon should be withheld.
55. If you need to borrow money, go to Kyle or Stan. Kenny cannot afford it, Cartman is a prick and Craig has learned that it's not a good idea to lend money to people.
56. Do not imply that Cartman and Kenny are related as Kenny will murder you. There is a (different) very good, albeit complicated reason why Cartman's and Kenny's eyes look exactly the same.
57. Never call him Peter Pan.
58. Mr. Garrison's sexual and gender identities are in constant flux - it is best to just roll with whatever he feels like identifying as today.
59. Kenny is usually very good at organising explosions - there is a minor risk, however, that he will go completely over the top and a cold fusion device will need to be detonated in order to make the surrounding twenty miles once again habitable by life as we know it.
60. When defending your town from New Jersey, the "Les Misérables" approach of building a barricade and using muskets will not work. Asking al-Qaeda for help, on the other hand, works wonders.
61. He does, in fact, have a Batman costume. But you don't want to see what he uses it for. (Think less Christian Bale and more David Carradine)
62. If Craig flips you off, ignore it. It's a lot less effort.
63. If Craig gives you advice, take it. He's probably right.
64. While Kenny is dependable, he has little to no sense of loyalty to anyone but his sister. Therefore if a hypothetical dickhead were to tell him he can't work on your project, he will probably help out with a rival project instead.
65. Stan is not going to age well.
66. Nobody knows what the C on that kid's cap stands for.
67. Switching a device off and back on again will solve most of your technological problems.
68. If you find yourself suffering from an existential crisis, Kenny is an unusually knowledgable person to talk to about it.
69. Kenny finds this number highly amusing. If you don't get why, don't ask. You will not like the answer.
70. Under no circumstances should you take your problems to Mr. Mackey.
71. Don't swear too often. Some way or another you'll unleash horrors on the world.
72. While they may be Jewish, Sheila and Gerald Broflovski are not especially strict with their sex lives - therefore it may be worth knocking their door before entering their room at night.
73. South Park may be nowhere near any major fault lines, but that doesn't mean there's not an active volcano just outside of town.
74. If you ever wonder why Kenny's ringtone is Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees, it's not because he's into Saturday Night Fever. In a similar vein, he has never played Portal.
75. No matter how much he might come across as Butters' best friend, Kenny pulls an upset for that little honour. Cartman is in fact hated by Butters, and indeed all people that on Earth do dwell.
76. Cartman in strangely adept at breaking into a first floor window - do not be surprised if you wake up to find him rooting around your possessions.
77. Stan does not take break ups well. Thus you should not attempt to get with Wendy - she's happy with Stan and while she may be just as happy with you, Stan will be busy practicing point #17, and not in a good way.
78. Bebe Stevens' arse hole is not as wide as may have been rumoured.
79. Fireworks are illegal in Colorado. That doesn't mean he won't have any in his pockets.
80. Stan will not tend your imaginary crops while you're out - all this will earn you is a defriending and a smack upside the face.
81. Craig is not the only one who will be annoyed if you get detained by Homeland Security while in his company. It is highly likely that Kenny will have scheduled his first sexual encounter for that weekend, and he will not want to miss it.
82. Avoid Jimmy's comedy shows if you can. His jokes aren't funny, but nobody has the heart to tell him.
83. If ever you pass a mascot advocating not holding up magnets to giant fans, it's best not to investigate why you shouldn't do that.
84. Kyle will lie about you to get to spend more time with you. Just bear in mind that if he gets called out on his lies, he will throw you under the bus. As in he will say you lied to him and he thought he was telling the truth.
85. To cover their backs, Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria will throw you under the bus. As in they will get a bus and throw you under it
86. If Cartman makes a bet with you that if you lose you have to suck his balls, he is confident that he will win and he will stop at nothing to get his balls sucked. He also maintains that he is not gay.
87. Butters, on the other hand, is probably gay or bi. Don't judge him for it.
88. Pabst Blue Ribbon is an agnostic beverage - this does not mean you should drink it.
89. Guitar Hero is always more fun with a friend.
90. In response to Jimmy's comments that they were not funny, the Germans designed Funnybot, which had large components based on Doctor Who's Daleks, which in turn were based on Germans c.1940. This is no coincidence.
91. If Cartman demands compliment, call him attractive. He is sufficiently dumb to think you mean he looks good, whereas the type of attraction you were referring to was in fact gravitational.
92. Orange clothes are hard come by. Kenny and Kyle will want first pick, so should you pass any, leave them be.
93. In the event you wish to discreetly kill someone, you may disregard point #92 as wearing an orange parka has been proven to increase risk of death by around 50000%. However, not wearing the parka does not decrease risk of death at all.
94. Ike, despite being but a toddler, has an extensive vocabulary of naughty words.
95. Should a vote come up concerning anything, exercise your right to vote. Abstention is always an option. Failing to do so leads to highly adverse consequences.
96. If you want to insult Stan, you will have to do better than changing one letter in his surname to something that sounds "kind of not nice but it's hard to tell". Try insulting his dog instead.
97. He can climb drainpipes faster than you can climb stairs. If he is chasing you, you're fucked.
98. If Cartman wants something, he will do anything to get it. Including pretending to be gay.
99. Broncos rule. Deal with it.
100. While Kenny may come off as shallow and, to an extent, one dimensional, the number of sides to him will surprise you.
101. All the boys in town are really sweet underneath everything, and this should always be remembered. Except in Eric Cartman's case. That guy's just a bit of a cunt.