My footsteps slow as I walk past the gate. The flowers around me emit a sickeningly sweet aroma. How can a place so sad contain things so beautiful? I feel a tap on my shoulder and then thin arms wrap around my neck.
"It's so good to see you," Ruby whispers into my neck. Leaning into her embrace, I smile.
"You too, darlin'," I say. She pulls away from me and silently takes my hand. Together, we walk down the worn path. Graves surround me, some adorned with flowers and some abandoned. We approach a grave marked with a name I know. My gut churns and my body tells me to run, to get away, but I know that I have to do this. His funeral was a nice enough service, but it wasn't the closure I needed. I force myself to look straight at Cole's grave and take a moment to gather my thoughts. I've been waiting for this for the past week, thinking of what I would say, but now that I'm here, the words escape me. I desperately reach out for something- anything- but all that comes out are tears. Ruby squeezes my hand and I try to take a breath but only succeed in letting out a strangled gasp.
"Ruby, I can't do this," I choke out.
"It's okay," she says quietly, "take your time." I close my eyes and picture my older brother. I see him sitting at the dining room table, laughing at something our mother said. His eyes light up when he smiles, he's practically glowing. My breathing evens and I am able to speak again.
"It's not fair," I say so softly I'm not sure anyone could even hear. "It's not fair that you're gone and I'm still here. It's not fair that we spent the last few years of your life apart." The words start slow but gain speed and it all tumbles out of me like a broken faucet. "You were the better brother. You were brave and charismatic. You were a leader, and a friend, and you deserved so much better than what you got. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry, Cole, I'm so sorry-"
"It's not your fault, Liam," Ruby reassures me. I squeeze my eyes shut and tears leak out. I feel her pry the bundle of flowers from my tight grip, so I open my eyes to see her gently placing the flowers at the foot of the gravestone. Ruby hugs me and I can feel a wet spot forming on my shoulder from her silent tears. I don't know how long we stay like that, but by the time I let go of Ruby, the sun is sinking close to the ground, minutes from disappearing beneath the horizon. I look at Ruby, her face bathed in the orange and pink hues of the sunset, and she smiles half-heartedly. In that moment, her tight smile has more meaning than any words she could say, so I slip my hand into hers and we turn away from Cole's grave, walking into the night.