Missing You
・CupcakeLerman;
[a K i n g d o m H e a r t s Oneshot]
"Dear, I may have wasted my time searching for you, but I know I
didn't waste my life if I lived it with you. And now we'll be
together...forever, right?" 3 - 28 - 11 / Roxas.
Happy RokuNami Day 2011;
◎Roxas.
— —
"Spring was here. It was in full bloom. Cherry blossom petals were scattered on the pavement, but the trees were clumped with the beauty of the blossoms themselves. My head spun as I realized it was now March. That much long without her, huh.
"No matter how hard you try, I have concluded—memories are just memories. I consulted with my longtime 'business' partner Axel this morning about it, and he commented sourly, 'It's the truth, Roxas. Got it memorized?'...No, Axel, I'm sorry, I can never get it memorized.
"Xion helped me piece together my puzzle over the phone. The disappearance of my one true love, Naminé, which as you know has been going on for at least seven months, has begun to come to a close. I'd reached my verdict, but it was completely overbearing to even think about the things I'd done for her when the doors were sealed and my phone was shut off."
— —
"Dear sweet mother of Xemnas! Did you hear about what happened last night? Well, of course not, since I didn't tell you yet. But I will tell you now—I saw her again. She was wearing her wedding dress, the one I bought her myself at the age of eighteen. Now, seven months after that day, my eyes had laid on the unstained and unscathed fabric I had given to her for her birthday. She would've become nineteen years old today if she were here.
"Her eyes, I'll tell you—they were as beautiful as the last day I'd seen them. They sparkled with the sheen of the darkness, and I couldn't believe she blinked in amazement as I approached her. My lucid mind told me it wanted to reach up and stroke her luscious hair again, like I'd used to do to soothe her. But as my feet began to take farther ranging steps and I heard the echo of my dress shoes patter on marble, she became more and more transparent. Her once-solid structure began to turn more and more translucent as I traveled the distance of at least five centimeters. What was I to do? I panicked; I rushed towards her, arms wide open, but I felt nothing in return. No object blocking my path, nothing to break my imminent fall—nothing in my memories, and nothing in my dreams.
"Oh, that fantasy. As long as my hair is blonde and my eyes are a shiny blue, I'll never forget that dream. I probably will never learn to let it go. Somehow, I feel it'll be harder to do that then to let go of the real Naminé."
— —
"Ho hum. What a drag of a day. I feel telling my thoughts in this form is much too uncomfortable, since I can almost feel the glaring at me as my pen moves on this paper. As I've told before, my companion Xion arrived back today, and she gave me the best advice a girl could possibly give: 'Abandon all hope; she is gone. Deal with it.'
"Thank you so much, Xion. I care deeply for you too.
"But that isn't the point. Much up to everyone else's judgement on me, I have decided it is time to move on, and in all the different reasons. Sora's sister Kairi just moved in down the street to be closer to the university she's been planning to go to some day, and I've been meaning to chat her up—talk about flowers, the weather, anything really. She had beautiful natural red hair that flowed almost like a stream. Sora had told me all kinds of things about her, like how smart she is and how pretty she gets under the sun or underneath the stars. He even mentioned that since she was just his step-sister, he still had a chance with her as more than just friends, or 'family' in this case. Personally, I found that completely and utterly awkward.
"What strikes me the most today is that Kairi came almost like a sudden wake-up call—that there are, regretfully, people just as good and maybe better than Naminé. Sure, I love Naminé very truthfully, but what if she was just a roadblock, someone that I had to go and cause me to miss my mark? It was just another phase; like all phases, I'd eventually grow out of it, and today was the day. Would I grow out of it? I wouldn't know; but I'm sure Naminé will understand me.
— —
"Kairi is a beautiful, sensational, and inspiring young woman. Sora's lucky to have her as a step-sister. She talked about all the right things, from my school to when my birthday was. Her sense of humor was balanced and conservative. I admired the way she spoke her mind, voiced her opinion, and listened attentively to everything I had to say.
"But as I closed my eyes one time, I found myself holding them shut longer than normal. Because while we were sitting under the full moon on Sunset Hill, I heard a light, angelic voice, that if I strained to hear it, would be like Kairi's, but as I played by ear, it was another's. Soft, beautiful, recognizable, loving, and so soon—Naminé's.
"What was this strange phenomenon categorized as? Had I just so happened to forget what had occurred to her again? Or was my mind truly playing dirty tricks on me again? Why did I have to sit there and listen to the forgotten voice of my one true love when I was trying to move on from just that a phase? My eyes started to water a little suspiciously.
"I didn't start running until I heard the tell-tale voice tell me,
'Together forever, Roxas?'
"My eyes were closed when I leapt up from the grassy hill; it was a miracle I hadn't run into a pole along the way.
"Oh, dear. I'm telling you, I did not expect that. The reassuring tone and innocence from her voice resonated in my ears, in my head—it was everywhere. It droned out all my other unworthy reassurances and reveries. Kairi didn't know it yet, but the reason I had run from her was unclear to her. Would I tell her someday? Do you think I should, or would that be wrong?
"Oh well. I really don't know what to do anymore. I just got back from spending the evening with Kairi—meaning, after I ran away, I came home, sat down, and now, my eyes are parched and red. I hate to admit it, but a small idea has been implanted in my mind from the depths of nowhere, and it's slowly infesting my head. It will most likely keep me up all night."
— —
"Yes, I finally admit to it—someone has surreptitiously performed 'Inception' on me.
"My thoughts are cloudy and my mind is hazy, but not foggy enough for me to prolong making a decision. This decision could change my life forever, remember, so I think you must not take this as lightly as you think it is.
"I'm going to disappear. That's my idea. Not runaway disappear, not magic-trick disappear—just disappear. To clarify, I'm disappearing inside my dreams. You may think of it has petty and irrelevant, but I have never enclosed the full details of my recent dreams yet, have I?
"In seventy-nine percent of all my daytime dreams and in ninety-one percent of all my evening dreams, there is a house. It isn't standing on a hill, with a tire swing, or a golden garden anywhere. It's a house, in the middle of absolute nowhere. Outside there are black swirly creatures lingering about, either to have a smoke or to just hang around and mob someone.
"But this house isn't special at all. No front or back yard—just open fields north, south, east, and west. The house is carved from old mahogany that would've been very flattering if it were closer to some form of civilization. I always blink once or twice to remind myself that it is a dream, because sometimes, the visuals trip me up.
"Curtains drape the two overlooking windows. They were rustling in the breeze—you could've told that if you stared long enough. But as the curtains waved violently, I felt that I, the onlooker on all occasions, trespassing in nothing but shorts, was being watched. It was one of those feelings where you felt like you had to impress someone by doing something absolutely ludicrous. And it was my idiotic idea that would always force a rusty iron gate open and cause me to stomp into the wooden house shirtless and negligent.
"The large door's handle slips as soon as I let go, but it's too late. I find myself surrounded in nothing, lost in literal darkness. I couldn't even see my feet in front of me, but I guess that's the meaning of complete darkness.
"The dreams always end the same way. One step. Two steps. Three steps. Breathe heavily. Look right. Fifth step. Look left. See something. Blink twice. Suddenly, wake up.
"No. I do and do not understand the meanings of these dreams. I don't know who would even think to like these dreams, other than me. Repetition is like a crazy little tick that bites me whenever it wants too, and now the sickness has spread and led magnificently into my idea.
"There is another reason I want to leap into my dreams. You, being my greatest companion, may know already my reason. That little moment where I spot something and blink twice, she stands there, all alone, usually in her white wedding dress. To normal people, this would freak others out, but to me, I know it's an epiphany. It also reimburses my theory—my theory of how Naminé disappeared.
"Two weeks after her disappearance, a distraught and lost boy sat down and started doing something he wouldn't think about doing—write his feelings. That boy was me, and after seven months of tireless work and non-productive results, I lived by a theory—an idea that I suppose I devised to hide from the reality. Even after the medical examiner came to my house and 'assesed the damage' and 'gave his condolences', I refused to believe anything but my story, stating that she merely passed on to live within my memory. Denial was what they called it.
"Some people move on after their losses. Remarry, find other friends, live life differently—not me. I am one of those poster kids for depression and for "How to deal with the death of loved-ones" pamphlets. I held every little thing she said, sang, and gave to me like a treasure trove of not just memory, but of love also.
"I'll be honest. She did die of an unintentional steep fall, and I wasn't there for her when I knew she needed help. Why? It was one of those moments where you had to live and love like it was the last day of your life. I didn't know it then, but she wouldn't be in my arms any longer, I wouldn't feel her kisses any more, and I couldn't sense her love after that day. The only thing she left me that day was our undying mutual love, and the solemn words, 'We'll be together forever, Roxas!' as I hosted a pictorial of our already selected wedding attire. We were young and in love, but we promised we would some day be together forever like that. I don't beat myself everyday for being the cause of her death, but I feel like I had a responsibility I did not live up to. A responsibility I didn't look at as a punishment, but as a gift I appreciated but truly didn't ask for. And losing Naminé was my price to pay. A price that is long overdue. One I can never reverse or return; just there."
— —
"Today's the day. After a month of training, it's my last day with you. No, I am not leaving by means of anything risky or irrational, but just by an eternal sleep, one I may or may not wake up from. I did not say goodbye to anyone just yet, because I intend to leave just one thing behind for the world.
"I am saying 'adieu' for now."
— —
Two Days Later
— —
"Dreams are a concept I've grown to understand. Why would anyone want to dream? To pursue fledging goals and dedication? Was my reason even a legible idea for anything anymore? Did I just have a dream...or a nightmare?
"The way I see it, it wasn't so bad. Educating myself in lucid dreaming can be very useful, especially when most of my true life is a hidden enigma in my dreams. No longer is that wooden house dark, much less empty. There is furniture and necessities, a roomy atmosphere...but most importantly, in my opinion, I do not need anything unless I am holding her with me.
"For the first time in months, I had felt a feigned touch, become intoxicated with her abstracted aura, and felt her humble presence. Her smile was enough to make everything feel real again. The entire duration of the dream was perceived like days. But within all those days, I had not spoken a word to Naminé. There were a million words I could have spilled to her, but I kept my mouth closed, and so did she, even though I sensed she had something also to say. We merely sat in the corner of the large open house, soaking up each other's presence, cradling each other while the sun and moon passed again and again over the horizon.
"I didn't keep track of how long it had been before I began to drift. But before I began losing the will to sleep any longer, Naminé walked out of my arms much to my longing for her to stay with me until I could leave her.
"Her dress draped over the wooden boards of the floor, her back turned towards me. I looked on curiously, while my eyes began to flutter constantly, telling me I only had a few seconds left. The feeling I felt initially, love, was beginning to feel faint and lose its hue. My eyes had already completely closed off any images when I heard one last voice whisper to me, 'I'm not real, Roxas.'
"I jerked awake this morning, feeling drained and sullen. I left her again; that was all I could possibly recall. I didn't reflect on her parting words until now, as I'm sitting at my desk, contemplating my final moments. Of course she was real—at least, in my dreams. I'm still thinking about it, but I think she was meaning to tell me that even though she was missing me, and I was missing her...I had to let her go, somehow. Would she want that?
— —
"I'd love to thank you. For everything you've ever given me—solace, one-sided friendship, and a relief from the world. A few months ago, I'd never dream of starting this kind of thing, but I guess I can die with the thought of having a true companion.
"My thoughts are shallow, I know; but in my position, I may be doing the wrong thing in other people's minds, and I may be doing the opposite of what I had been set on earth for, but I can do this. Die with friends that cared about me. Leave with possessions that mattered to me. But when they find me in the morning, I wonder how they will react in their hearts. Will they respond with the cowardice and despondency I did when I lost my best friend unintentionally? Or will they move on, living life in a perspective only normal and just people can afford to do?"
- Roxas.
—- —
Roxas Hiruki's body was found in his apartment, wearing a pinstripe suit, lying on the single bed. Reports came from his companion since childhood Axel Ibayashi, saying that he was not responding to any calls or answering his door. Lifelong and often called "brother" Sora Hikari told police: "He was often a cheerful person, denying no one's feelings, but apparently, he was a master at hiding emotions." The cause of death is by overdose of prescription drugs prescribed for a young woman's mental health found in Roxas' bedside table drawer. He was nineteen years old and a recent high-school graduate.
Roxas' journal was taken into detective services and was given as a private collection for his friends. It is unknown as to why certain words were bolded out or as to who he is speaking to in the accounts. He did not have any living family members or relationship partners.
— —
Did...I just write that? I feel very accomplished, writing such a rushed piece of work for RokuNami/Namixas Day. This was honestly very emotional. I had to put a lot of heart into it. But as I look back on it...I don't know, it's not the best. But I like it(: Very mysterious.
I dedicate this to the victims and survivors of the Japan earthquake/tsunami. And of course to all the readers, and the RokuNami fans(: Happy Roxas/Naminé Day!
Inspirations:
Missing You (Naminé's Theme), Hiroyuki Nakayama, composed by Yoko Shimomura
"Now we can be together again!"
"Right."