Note: I know, the verb tenses are all over the place in this one.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bones.
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Brennan lay in bed, unable to sleep despite her exhaustion. In some ways, her trip to Guatemala seemed like a lifetime ago, but the as-yet-unpacked suitcase on the floor reminded her that she had only returned a few days - and one case - ago. The bedside alarm clock read 1:15 when she decided to give up on sleep and start on the laundry from her trip.
She opened her suitcase, and started separating dirty clothes from the books and toiletries. When she was satisfied she had all of the clothes, she grabbed the hamper and half-dragged it to her laundry room. She put in the first load of laundry, then headed out to the living room. Maybe she could get started on her next book - she wasn't sleeping anyway.
She booted the laptop and opened the outline she had created for her next book. She knew what she wanted to do with the plot and the characters, but when she tried to write, all she could remember was the last story she had written and read to Booth while he was in a coma.
She sighed. Angela had been very interested in the story, especially since Booth had woken up believing he and Brennan were married. It was most unfortunate that the psychic had guessed that she had been pregnant in the story. Angela seemed to think there was some sort of significance to that – especially since neither Brennan nor Booth had mentioned it.
Of course, that wasn't true. Booth didn't want to marry her, and he certainly didn't want to have a child with her. He was just confused after the brain surgery and his reaction to the anesthetic.
Brennan had known for a long time that she was attracted to Booth. She had realized long before Booth's surgery that she had strong feelings for him. Even before the trip to London last year, she knew that she didn't like seeing Booth unhappy, but she didn't want to see him be happy with someone else. Eventually, she had to admit that she was jealous, and that she wanted Booth for herself.
She tried to get over it. Booth had made it very clear that he did not return her feelings. He never failed to point out her inadequacies in dealing with people. She wondered if he had dated Agent Perotta – he had certainly flirted with her, and it's not like he ever confided in her about his romantic life.
Four years ago, Booth dragged her out of the lab and into the rest of the world. Lately, though, she had wondered if that was a good thing. Somehow, her work at the Jeffersonian and on her books had stopped being enough. When she listens to her coworkers talk about what they did on the weekends, or hears Angela and Cam talk about relationships, she feels like she is missing out.
She is lonely.
A few months ago, she thought that having a baby was the answer. Babies require constant care. She knew she could love her baby, and she hoped her baby would love her in return. Maybe her child would have had Booth's eyes or his ability to cheer her up with a smile and a hug.
Of course, those dreams fell apart before Booth's surgery when he decided that he didn't want to have a child with her.
Yes, she could have used someone else's semen to become pregnant, but that somehow seemed – inadequate. It wasn't what she really wanted.
As she stood in the operating room watching Booth's surgery, it hit her – she was far too attached to Booth. Losing him would leave her devastated and broken.
When he awoke and didn't really remember who she was, she realized there was more than one way to lose someone. She had always known that Booth wanted the traditional wife and family, but when she saw how happy he was when he thought they were married and that she was pregnant, it really hit home. In the aftermath of his surgery, he thought he wanted a life with her, but she knew that when he recovered, he would remember that he's not interested in her. He'd find someone else and make a family with her, and Brennan would be left alone again.
There was only one conclusion she could reach – she needed some distance, so that she could survive watching him fall in love with someone else.
When she was sure that Booth was going to recover, she accepted the invitation to examine the remains of some Aztecs in Guatemala.
The work consumed a lot of her time and energy, but she still spent a couple of hours every night staring at her cell phone, trying not to call him. Somehow, she managed to keep herself from picking up the phone. She kept in touch with Angela and Cam via e-mail, but they never mentioned Booth, and she couldn't bring herself to ask.
The whole long trip back – sitting in airports and on airplanes, waiting for flights to be rescheduled and eating bad airport food – she wondered how he was doing. When she finally landed, her only thought was to get to the Jeffersonian and find out.
She gives herself credit for being polite to Angela's psychic when all she wanted to do was find Booth.
She was surprised when Cam told her Booth wasn't back to work yet, but trusted Cam's word that Booth was being certified for duty as they spoke.
She told herself that she felt her breath catch from surprise – and nothing more – when Booth jumped up to hug her when she walked in to her office.
Sitting on her couch at 2 a.m., though, she had to admit that her plan to distance herself from Booth didn't work.
Her pulse raced when he interrupted her while she was excavating the bodies under the fountain, and she was disproportionately hurt when he raced off instead of going to breakfast with her. (They were the only ones awake at that hour.)
She felt a surge of jealousy when Angela kissed Booth on the forehead, even though she is well aware that Angela would never get involved with Booth.
When Booth hugged her after he helped her escape from the crazy doctor, she felt like she was the centre of his world.
When he told her he loved her, for a second she thought he wanted her in a way that had nothing to do with skeletons and work, and she felt confused, and scared, and … joyful. He must have seen some of that on her face, because he immediately set her straight. She thinks it's good that he did. This way she knows he meant it in a professional way, and she's not distracted by thinking that she could have the family she stopped wishing for when she really accepted that her parents had abandoned her.
Instead, she's distracted by wondering whether Booth has met the woman he'll marry yet – and what's wrong with her that makes her so inadequate.
The washer buzzed, interrupting her thoughts, and she moved the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
She started the dryer and decided to give up on her novel for the night. As she went to turn off her laptop, she noticed a new message from Booth: Hey Bones, what are you doing up so late? You heading off to bed, or do you want to meet me at the diner for pie?
She is overwhelmed by the longing to hang out at the diner eating pie in the middle of the night, but she knows that she needs to maintain some distance (however small) if she is going to survive.
With a sigh, she turned away from the laptop and headed into the bathroom. Maybe a warm shower would help her sleep.
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Note: I think there might be another side to this story. Should I try to get inside Booth's head as well?