Disclaimer: I'm not making money off of writing a fan story of Dynasty Warriors. Maybe if Koei weren't so arrogant, they'll listen to my suggestions for storytelling instead of overdoing the current portrayals of the characters. So I don't own them.
Yuan Shao's Noble Interview: Directors Cut
Luxury at Guan Du
At Yuan Shao's camp near Guan Du….
Moments ago, Yuan Shao ordered his entire forces to cross the Yellow River after Cao Cao's victory at Bai Ma. Yuan faction captured the towns near Pu Yang forcing Cao Cao to fall back within 60 miles near Chen Liu.
Tonight the entire army waited for their noble 'hero' to initiate the major offense to worn out Cao Cao's defenses for good. If that's not enough for a decisive victory, Cao Cao's forces are running out of provisions and their remaining resources haven't transported to the main camp yet.
"We can't sit here and let Cao Cao's forces buy time with their delayed transports, my lord! Please heed my advice and I'm not making up such a thing to deceive you. We captured their messenger and he's telling the true!" Xu You urged.
"Perhaps the messenger was a ruse to stir confusion among our ranks. We shouldn't trust such anonymous tip from a lowly scout," Guo Tu whispered on Yuan Shao's ear.
"You think you can come in here and report to me such bogus information? I expect you to be of better use to me with your wit, Xu You," Yuan Shao eyes stabbed on Xu You coldly with the most threaten stare that could make a weakling shiver.
"My lord, the information is true! If you don't believe me, send Zhang He and Gao Lan with a few thousand troops to raid into Cao Cao's main camp to pummel their morale lower and you can lead a full scale assault and capture the traitor Cao Cao!"Xu You urged.
"Even if he's right, we'll waste our numbers to extend the injured. Minister Xu You here only babbles himself to get a high post and take all the credit on Cao Cao's demise," Guo Tu whispered to Yuan Shao again making him even more suspicious of Xu You.
"My lord perhaps I shall go send spies within Cao Cao's main camp to confirm their weakened state. Please carry out the order?" Xin Ping bowed to his lord hoping his request is granted.
"No, Cao Cao's cleverer than that," Yuan Shao denied
"But, he doesn't have any more days left to defend his main camp. His entire army is suffering from fatigue due to the previous wars with Yuan Shu, Lu Bu, and Liu Bei. Liu Biao will leave his rear severed if he lose the capital soon enough! Please send the army to attack his main camp!" Xu You begged.
"Enough, return to your post until I make a decision…." Yuan Shao commanded.
"I must resent my lord! You're giving Cao Cao one last opportunity to recover and plan his counterattack. We'll waste even more time getting this war to end premently and save the Han!" Xu You retorted.
"I said get the hell out of here! What are you waiting for? Guards send him back to his post until I call him back! I have no time for this manipulative information! Is Cao Cao trying to lure me into a strategic blunder?" Yuan Shao mad expression uttered the entire audience as they watch poor Xu You being dragged out of the war council.
Once Xu You left, Shen Pei proceeded to speak, "We still have an opportunity, Lord Yuan Shao. But, we'll never know if we're being lure into another of Cao Cao's devious schemes to scatter our morale."
"Yes and Xu You wasn't known for military advising. He's supposed to inspect our armory during break," Guo Tu nodded.
"I wonder why he's still of use to me when we all know he's a greedy twit?" Yuan Shao groaned. He's been having a difficult time during the war. Yan Lang and Wen Chou were dead due to that idiot Guan Yu who was supposed to know that Liu Bei alive.
"So were you…" Xin Ping muttered.
"What?" Yuan Shao thought he heard Xin Ping said something.
"Oh…I said, Xu You is still friends with Cao Cao, so it's difficult to trust him when giving advice," Xin Ping gave a nervous glance at his commander.
"He's going to betray us anyway, cousin," Gao Gan said.
"Yeah, what's the point of bring him with us then? Should we listen to such a petty geezer or wait and access the situation another day to see if he's not spewing lies at us all?" Jiang Yiqu agreed.
Suddenly, a stranger enters the tent and the guards halted him.
"Greetings gentlemen!" the interview made a decent entrance. All eyes gazed on him.
"Who in blaze are you!?" Yuan Shao looked shocked at the stranger and his weird appearance.
"You are Yuan Shao, correct?" the interviewer presumed.
"Yes I am the one and only heir to the 400 year ancient family. For generations, the Yuan family has cared for the Imperial Han until disgraces like Dong Zhuo who had no business to dispose of He Jin's nephew and rape his sister!" Yuan Shao proudly presented himself.
"He's our true Han hero, Yuan Shao! Savior of the people who oppose Cao Cao's heretics," Guo Tu cleared his throats.
The Yuan faction salutes their hero, but the interviewer could only stare at the men praising an egomaniac.
"Well…I read about your stunt causing peasantry manipulation on Liu Yu's death by rumoring Gongsun Zan's intentions. You're not that heroic if you planned Liu Yu's position to replace Emperor Xian," the interviewer mentioned.
"What the…where did you read such asinine rubbish!? First of all, Liu Yu was a good friend to me and Gongsun Zan an excessive attitude failure whose idiotic reputation means nothing to this land! He killed Liu Yu, so he's the villain, not me. So where ever you read that, it's full of lies! Those stupid historians barely recorded most of my fraction in favor of Cao Cao," Yuan Shao couldn't believe the guy dare challenge his motivation.
"So what you're saying is that what you're doing during your rise to power is the right thing?" the interviewer questioned.
"You dare question my morals stranger?" Yuan Shao eyes widened as he became even more infuriated by the interviewer.
"What about Han Fu?" the name of one of the victims of the era shook the audience by a storm.
"I was originally one of Han Fu's officers when he's governing Ji Zhou," Xin Ping shrugged.
"What about that incompetent magistrate? Why bring him up, nobody gives a damn about Han Fu!" Yuan Shao shouted.
"You robbed a pacifist….who wants nothing to do with warlordism until he agreed to assist you against Dong Zhuo….and here Qi Yi, Xun Chen, and Ju shou all wanted to make you control Ji from him," the interview sighed.
"Did anybody care about Han Fu?" Yuan Shao asked his entire army if anyone still pity the guy.
"Nope!"
"Nah, he's useless."
"He isn't squat!"
"We sure don't miss him. Let the idiot rot in hell and soon Cao Cao along with him when I'm done with this war," Yuan Shao grinned.
"Sorry to interrupt my lords, but here's an appeal from Cao Cao. It's an imperial messenger from the Emperor," the soldier who came in a hurry after Yuan Shao finished speaking gives the messenge to the noble lord.
"Burn it, it's another one of Cao Cao's schemes to make us disarm," Yuan Shao ordered.
"But…" the soldier tried to persist.
"Just burn it fool! Cao Cao used the emperor by only name! Everyone knows his imperial edicts are a load of bull and lies!" Yuan Shao then turns to the interviewer, "Now you sir, if you're coming here to spew your lies to me, you better get out of my council before I'll have you executed!"
"I'm here to give you an interview, Yuan Shao," The interviewer said. He did not show any fear of execution because deep down his good nature overpower the egomaniac's behavior.
"Then start the interview. There's not much time I have, but bringing the 'guy whom I called a disgraceful old friend' to justice," Yuan Shao snapped his fingers to summon the attendants to serve his drink.
"Ok, where do I start…?" the interviewer thought up which famous person to start.
"Oh, if you're going to bring up that miserable failure who called himself 'Zilong', he nothing, but a nobody who dares agitate insubordination and betrays me to the loser's side!" Yuan Shao reminded the interviewer on Zhao Yun.
"Zhao Yun is a wanted criminal in our side. Unfortunately, there were numerous chances of getting him back into serving Yuan Shao upon forgiveness of his foolish resistance," Guo Tu informed.
"……these guys don't like Zhao Yun at all….." the interviewer thought.
"The one Little Dragon of Chang Shan, he's known to have contended with the Hei Bei four, Zhang He, Gao Lan, Yan Liang, and Wen Chou," Xin Ping said.
"He's just a mere peasant. A nobody from the mountain nobody cares anymore because he sided with Gongsun Zan," Shen Pei shook his head disbelief of Zilong's mediocre reputation in Hei Bei.
"He had a good reason choosing to go to Gongsun Zan in hoping to remove your manipulative bunch from purging confusion throughout his home," the interview glared at the Yuan fraction.
"I love to derail that bum from the mountain, proceed" Yuan Shao demanded.
"So, tell me why you despise the 'Bum from the mountain'?" the interviewer about to listen as the patriarch speaks out his thoughts on his annoying foe.
"He quotes the most absurd garbage such as true loyalty and all that blasphemy about righteousness. Can't you believe the path that misguided bum went? One of these days, I wonder why I leave him alive after Gongsun Zan's demise. Oh that's right, the people who loved him at his hometown. You know, it's 3 miles near Zhen Ji's home. Heaven forbid that bum and the beautiful phoenix ever met," Yuan Shao took his drink after he finished commenting.
"He sought out the path of self destruction, ahaha," Jiang Yiqu snickered.
"Hahaha, yeah he regret ever aiding Gongsun Zan when he realize what a horrible person Zan really is and those people who volunteered with him," Gao Gan added.
"I have to give it to the bum; he charmed those people into joining his private army and use that to make Gongsun Zan powerful. Now he's thinking of joining another loser, the so called 'Imperial Uncle' Liu Bei. We all call Liu Bei 'Long Ears'" Yuan Shao nodded.
"Speaking of Liu Bei, what do you think of the Imperial Uncle?" The interviewer asked.
"He's the most ambiguous individual I ever met. For Gongsun Zan to have such a friend, big ears, poor incarnation of Liu Bang, and an attention whore. He brags about wanting to restore the Han Dynasty. But, proved nothing but was nominate by the Emperor as the Imperial Uncle due to his legitimate heritage. Well his dad was a broken man before Liu Bei rose to the ranks," Yuan Shao chuckled at the last part.
"Hahaha, Liu Bei's dad went broke. Can't blame him for being raised by his uncle and mother afterwards because of Liang Ji's tyrannical run before the eunuchs came into power," Shen Pei said.
"I know about Zhao Yun's father, but it means nothing now that the bum has ruined a proportion of his reputation here. But, Liu Bei is still out there. I don't trust him, but sent him to Liu Biao as he requested," Yuan Shao slipped his drink and gave a relaxing breather.
"Liu Bei frequently aid the poor and oddly pillaging the rich to pay the soldiers and give the poor," Guo Tu mentioned.
"He's aiding the poor and robbing the rich! What the hell does Zhao Yun see in that petty thief and his two uneducated thugs Guan Yu and Zhang Fei?! Geez…" Yuan Shao shook his head embarrassed by Liu Bei's display of 'false' heroics.
"Neither of them are the good guys. Only Yuan Shao is the true savior of the Han Dynasty. He's the former leader of the Anti Dong Zhuo Coalition. Many Han officials serve him to save the dynasty instead of the foul Cao Cao," Shen Pei showed the list of Han loyalist in Yuan Shao's side.
"I'm the only legitimate Han hero here!" Yuan Shao bragged.
"Sun Ce considers his metrics heroic for liberating Jiang Dong," the interviewer shrugged.
When hearing the name of the Little Conqueror, the entire Yuan fraction started laughing so hard.
"Hahahah, Sun Jian…oooh, his kid grown up to betray his father's loyalty to the Han," Yuan Shao hold his breather after laughing and thought about the rise of Sun Ce.
"Is Sun Ce really a threat to us? His numbers are growing and his military power a match for Cao Cao among many personnel, Zhou Yu is his Zhang Liang," Xin Ping said.
"Sun Ce and Zhou Yu, the boys have grown up to be such powerful men. It reminds me of how Cao Cao and I started our childhood and now we became enemies," Yuan Shao rubbed his chin.
"The two aren't enemies, but best friends like sworn brothers," Guo Tu said.
"If he's so high to challenge me, then I'll be glad to offer his demise. The Sun family were a bunch of wannabes formerly Yuan Shu's subjects," Yuan Shao yawned.
"Lu Bu" the interviewer brought Lu Bu's name in the subject.
"Monsterous thug, I'm glad Cao Cao put him out of his misery," Yuan Shao grunted.
Interviewer: Xiahou Dun
Yuan Shao: Yawn, Cao Cao's go to guy who screws up
Interviewer: Xiahou Yuan
Yuan Shao: Cao Cao's cavalry back up who is not as insightful as Xu Huang
Interviewer: Xu Huang
Yuan Shao: I almost regret not having him on my side when Ju Shou advises me to rescue the Emperor. Though, it's a good thing I didn't because you see, that's another misguided bum now letting Cao Cao use the so called Emperor as he pleases.
Interviewer: Zhang Liao
Yuan Shao: Great, another misguided individual… Why surrender to Cao Cao when he could have ended his life there after Lu Bu?
Interviewer: Xu Zhu
Yuan Shao: Cao Cao's moronic bodyguard who finds food as a social elegant.
Interviewer: Cao Pi
Yuan Shao: His brat who stole my son Xi's wife and I heard from someone from the future that he killed her by order of suicide! Yuan Shang had the same potential as him honestly.
Interviewer: Dian Wei
Yuan Shao: Well, he did die for Cao Cao, I'll give him that. I would have loved for Dian Wei to have a duel with Wen Chou.
Interviewer: Sima Yi
Yuan Shao: He was just recruited. Oh well, the Sima family were a scholarly clan.
Interviewer: Zhang He
Yuan Shao: My replacement for Yan Liang. Sigh…I wonder if his loyalty to me was as true as my distrust in him.
Interviewer: Sun Quan
Yuan Shao: He's nothing to write home, merely enjoying that luxury Sun Ce furnishes.
Interviewer: Guan Ping
Yuan Shao: Ugh, so Guan Yu just went miles around to reunite with Liu Bei after he killed my best warriors and adopt a brat who wants to be like him and admires him. Why does heaven allow such a man to exist?
Interviewer: Huang Gai
Yuan Shao: Sun Ce's go to guy. What's good of Sun Ce without Huang Gai?
Interviewer: Zhou Tai
Yuan Shao: He now decided to watch over Sun Quan. What's good of Sun Quan without Zhou Tai if he's inferior to Sun Ce? Perhaps I'll try getting Sun Ce's warriors to join my side.
Interviewer: It's hard to convince Sun Ce's officers when they all lived in the same province they grew up with and Sun Ce was from Jiang Dong in his childhood.
Yuan Shao: Blah!
Interviewer: Wei Yan
Yuan Shao: Another nobody. I heard Liu Biao doesn't like him.
Interviewer: Huang Zhong
Yuan Shao: The best archer Liu Biao has
Interviewer: The Qiaos
Yuan Shao: Hahahahaha, Sun Ce and Zhou Yu actually convinced the nobles of the south among those who are the daughters of Qiao Xuan! Well, if they have the Qiaos, then I have Zhen Ji! I go one step ahead of the tiger's cub, mark my words.
Interviewer:…….
Yuan Shao: What? You don't think Zhen Ji deserves my family's support?
Interviewer: Well, she didn't have a choice except if it's the only way to help the poor people in her home.
Yuan Shao: I'm more deserving of having such beauty on my side!
Interviewer: She wasn't happy of being giving to by someone she hardly knows.
Yuan Shao: Then who else she's more deserving with?! The world doesn't want that bum married to an influential beauty like the poverty heroine Lady Zhen!
Interviewer: How about Ma Chao?
Yuan Shao: I heard of him. Ma Teng raising another Lu Bu….
Interviewer: Zhang Fei
Yuan Shao: Thug and an excessive anger tiger like Gongsun Zan
Interviewer: Guan Yu
Yuan Shao: That stupid, ignorant, murder! I can't believe I've wasted two men to find that idiot! He and Zhang Fei need to shave their damn beards! Both of them are uglier than Lu Bu!
Interviewer: Liu Bei
Yuan Shao: Attention whore
Interviewer: Cao Cao
Yuan Shao: Magnificent bastard! He has controlled the Imperial Court long enough to realize he used the Han Dynasty only by name. It won't work on me. I'll have Liu Biao's forces ready to execute the pincer plot by surrounding him on every corner. After Cao Cao's gone, I'll replace Emperor Xian with Liu Yu's son and the Han is officially restored.
Interviewer:……
Yuan Shao: I don't acknowledge Emperor Xian, but a peaceful abdication will be legitimate so he won't have the trouble of being a lowly concubine's son who was a relative to Dong Zhuo.
Interviewer: So, you're showing remorse on Liu Xie's enthronement, but resent Emperor Shao's abdication.
Yuan Shao: That's right! Like I said, I'm the true Han hero. This is the enthusiasm of true loyalty. Not the crap that Zhao Yun lectured. True loyalty is to fight for the Han dynasty at its proper role; the royalty of the Liu family in its noble form and conduct. The Yellow Turbans dare show their disrespect to nobility. Cao Cao insulted the conduct and used the power of the royal family to increase his own family's fortunes. His grandfather Cao Teng was one of the eunuch fractions, so he dared his selfish, paranoid antics to use the authority like a judicial jackass. Who the hell does Cao Cao think he is?!
Guo Tu: Fate couldn't have been more pleased with our progress my lord.
Yuan Shao: Yes, we're winning! I'm humble and proud to have each and everyone one of you working for me to rebuild the Han dynasty in its proper conduct and nobility the way He Jin vision it. Ever since Emperor Ling met He Jin's sister, he gains a lot of respect towards the nobility and his sister became one of the most noble and powerful woman of our time until that scoundrel Dong Zhuo raped her.
Interviewer: And last is Zhao Yun…
Yuan Shao: And we're back to Mr. Nobody. Zhao Yun, the bum from the mountain, the fool who had no business raising that private army against me by joining the loser's side. The original prodigy and you know what? Lu Zhi's former students are full of fail, just like the bum we're talking about. He got the name Little Dragon because he was that 15 year old brat from Lu Zhi's ranks on the capture of Ye as common soldier born on the wrong place at the wrong time.
The whole Yuan Fraction laughed out loud, mocking the Little Dragon and his futile efforts.
Interviewer: You may not like him, but I assure you, Zhen Ji and Zhao Yun had a thing going.
Yuan Shao: He may have met the poverty heroine, but she never had any feelings for that failure! HAHAHAHA, Zhao Yun and Zhen Ji, what kind of romantic legend is that?!
Interviewer: Well, that's it. Good luck on your battle against Cao Cao. The Battle of Guan Du and the Battle of Chi Bi are two events most acknowledged with its military innovation.
Yuan Shao: Yeah, only guys like myself, Cao Cao, and Jiang Dong can pull out amazing military history. And what history, Zhao Yun got? Saving Long Ear's stupid son!
Gao Gan, Shen Pei, Guo Tu, Jiang Yiqu, and the rest of the soldiers laughed along fortelling various jokes and failure of the Little Dragon.
Yuan Shao: When the little boy glances at that bum, he told his mother, 'momma, who is that man?' 'Oh, that's Zhao Yun dear.' 'Momma, what's gotten him so upset?' 'His force was demolished by Yuan Shao. He fought the wrong side dear.' 'Momma, there goes that man on the white horse riding to the mountain' 'That's because he's known as the bum from the mountain'
Shen Pei: OH MY GOODNESS, Benchu!! HAHAHAHAHAHH!!!
Guo Tu: Like a loser, riding into the dusty wind like a defeated general. He wanders the captured cities, jobless, homeless, and empty as void.
Gao Gan: A true loser.
Yuan Shao: Even if he's 'The Dragon of Chang Shan', what does his ties with Gongsun Zan have to prove to his true loyalty? He got nothing to prove. NOTHING and the people don't look up to him anymore; nothing heroic, but a spear and his misguided life. Boy that was far more humiliating than Lu Bu! Zhen Ji may agree with me because she's now married to Xi and is on my side fighting for me and not that bum.
Guo Tu: Here ends the legend of The Bum from the Mountain, Zhao Zilong…
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the entire Yuan fraction continue laughing.
"There's no point re employing that bum. I hate him so much for betraying me, using the people of Chang Shan and Zhongshan against me. But, there were persistent friends of his begging me to bring him on my side just for this battle. Nah, it's not worth for the guy to be redeemed. The fool wished he was born a beautiful woman like Lady Zhen to never involve himself in warfare. He has no business getting involved in such affairs. Foolish peasant," Yuan Shao slipped the last ounce of wine and snapped the ladies to bring him refills.
Suddenly, the soldier comes rushing inside the war council.
"My…my lord, it's terrible. Chunyu Qiongs unit….Wu Chao…..they found out our supple depot at Wu Chao!" the soldier reported.
"What the hell are you talking about?! Wu Chao well hidden along the woods! Cao Cao couldn't have found out!" Yuan Shao scolded.
"Forgive me, my lord, but you must look outside! The smokes from the east is where Wu Chao located! The entire army is watching as our supplies are being destroyed by Cao Cao's forces!" a soldier alerted.
"Father, he's right! Wu Chao's in flames!" Yuan Shang hurried inside to confirm the bad news.
"No..it's not true…." Yuan Shao mutter and quickly head outside to see for himself.
The Yuan fraction came out of the tent and turn to see what's left of their chances of winning, brust in flames.
"No…nooo!!!" Yuan Shao winced as he helplessly watches his once chance of winning this war gone up in smoke.
"Judging by the outcome, I know Xu You had somehow went into Cao Cao's camp and told him about Wu Chao's location because we didn't take his advice serious and the person defending our supplies was the worst among our forces…." Guo Tu commented.
"No…tell me, this is some kind of bad dream! TELL ME IT'S ALL FULL OF LIES!!" Yuan Shao strangled the poor soldier who looked in fear of his lord.
"Please restrain yourself my lord…." Shen Pei comforted t the so called King of Kings.
Yuan Shao starts to get a serious breakdown as the army hurries to rescue the soldiers at Wu Chao, but with little effort and Cao Cao commence the counterattack, forcing some troops to surrender due to being tired out by the loss of provisions, others flee north not bothering to defend the main camp and the Yuan fraction face serious consequences as Zhang He and Gao Lan defected to Cao Cao.
"Why defect to Cao Cao of all people!? Has heaven condemned me more than it condemns Cao Cao? Noo….." Yuan Shao then fainted.
"My lord!" Shen Pei carefully assisted his lord by struggling to regain his consciousness.
"We'll block their pursuit! You must take our lord and retreat back to Ye!" Gao Gan and Jiang Yiqu prepare to hold off Cao Cao's pursuit as the main army retreat.
The Battle of Guan Du ends with Cao Cao as victorious due to demoralizing the enemy by destroying their main supply. Was it not for the information given to Xu You, was it not for those who would die for Cao Cao, and was it not for Yuan Shao's treatment with Xu You?
The End