I'll Be Right There With You
Johnny finished making notes on the run as Roy backed up the drive and into the station. Glancing to his left, Roy saw Cap on the phone through the open office door. Something about the grave expression the Captain wore sent a shiver up Roy's spine.
Johnny climbed out of the squad. "I'm going to see if there is any fresh coffee," he said as he came around to the driver's side. "Wanna join…" Johnny's question trailed off as Cap came out of the office and he too saw the serious expression on their superior's face.
"Roy, can you come in here, please." Hank's voice was eerily quiet.
"Everything a'right, Cap?" Johnny asked, concerned.
"Uh, John, can you just give us a minute? Please wait in the dayroom, Pal, okay?"
Johnny gave Roy a nervous look. "Sure, Cap, sure." Johnny headed toward the dayroom but stopped to glance back. Hank put a hand on Roy's shoulder as they entered the office. Johnny heard the door shut. He stood quietly for a moment, worried about his best friend and partner then turned to wait in the kitchen with the others.
"You're back already, Gage?" Chet asked from behind his newspaper.
Johnny ignored the question. "Does anyone know what Cap is talking to Roy about in there?"
"Roy in trouble? I would have expected it was you," Chet said with a laugh.
"No, I'm serious. He called Roy into his office and he had a look on his face I've never seen before."
"Cap was in his office all morning. I did hear the phone ring a while ago," Mike offered. He could see the worry on the paramedic's face. "Hey, I'm sure it's nothing."
Johnny pulled a mug down from the cabinet but just stood with it in his hand. "I hope so," he mumbled. Hearing footsteps out in the bay, Johnny dropped the mug on the counter and headed to meet Roy but instead of coming into the dayroom, Roy headed right past him toward the back door.
"Roy?" Johnny called out as he followed him. Roy stopped and turned around, his face flooded with emotions. Johnny stopped short.
"I have to go home."
"Roy, what's wrong? The kids? Are the kids okay? Joanne?" Johnny came closer.
"My brother," Roy's voice was a harsh whisper. "My brother is dead."
Johnny's jaw dropped open. "Glenn? Oh no, Roy, how?"
"I…I'm not sure. He didn't show up for work. The police found him still in bed. I…I have to go. My parents. I have to see my parents."
Johnny glanced over his shoulder toward Hank's office. "Roy, let me drive you home. The squad will be taken out of service for a while anyway…"
"No, Johnny. Thank you, but I'm okay."
"Are you sure?"
Roy simply nodded and continued out the door into the parking lot behind the station. Johnny stepped out after him but could only watch helplessly as Roy fumbled in his pockets looking for his car keys that weren't there.
"Here, John. Give him this." Johnny jumped at the sound of Hank's voice behind him. He whirled around. Hank had Roy's duffle bag from his locker in his hand.
Grabbing it, Johnny met up with Roy who was coming back for his things. "Here ya go," Johnny said quietly.
"Thanks, Johnny," Roy said then looked past Johnny to Hank. "Thanks, Cap."
"Take care, Roy. Let us know what we can do."
Roy nodded absently as he fished his car keys from the duffle. "I will."
Hank stepped back into the station but Johnny remained outside until Roy's car was out of sight. After a moment, he too went back inside. "Johnny, can you join us?" Hank's voice came from the dayroom.
Johnny stepped into the room. Everyone was seated at the table while Hank stood at the end nearest the stove.
"Guys, I have some bad news. Roy's younger brother, Glenn, was found this morning by the police over in Compton. He passed away sometime during the night."
"Ay dios mio," Marco whispered.
"Oh my God," Mike said sadly.
"Wow, Cap, that's horrible," Chet said.
"Joanne," Johnny said suddenly. "Does Joanne know?"
"She does. She was the one who called me, actually."
"Is she okay?" Johnny asked. Joanne was like a sister to him and the thought of her having to learn of Glenn's death alone worried him. Johnny sat down at the table and put his head in his hands.
"You okay, Pal?" Hank asked.
"We just saw Glenn less than two weeks ago," Johnny said to no one in particular. "We hung out at Roy's house together."
"Johnny, I've called in a replacement for Roy. Andy McDonald will be here in about an hour. The squad is out of service until then. Will you be okay? I know you are worried about Roy…"
"Yeah. Yeah, Cap. I'll be okay. I'm just worried about them, is all."
"If you like, I can try to find another replacement for you."
Johnny thought about it then shook his head. "No, Cap. I'm okay. Roy will be going to his parents so I'm okay working the rest of the shift. I may take some time later…you know, for the funeral."
"Of course. As soon as we know when that will happen, I'll be sure to get you the time off."
Johnny stood up, "I…I need to finish the dorm."
"Hey, Johnny, sit down. Let me finish that up for you, Buddy." Chet stood up and put a hand on Johnny's shoulder.
"Let me get you some coffee," Marco said, heading for the stove. "Who else needs some? Cap?"
"Yeah, I would love a cup, Marco, thanks."
"Thanks guys. Chet, you don't have to finish my chores."
"You sure, Johnny? I don't mind."
"Yeah. Hey, this is about Roy, not me."
"John, you did lose a friend too," Hank said softly. "And I know you are worried about Roy. Take it slow okay?"
Johnny took the cup of coffee Marco brought him. "Thanks a lot, Marco. Okay, Cap, thanks." He went and sat down on the couch and stared into the mug of steaming coffee.
Chet motioned toward the dorms and Hank nodded and gave him a wink as he mouthed 'thanks' to the lineman who then headed across the bay.
~ E ~
"That was a beautiful service," Emily Stanley said to Roy and Joanne. Everyone had gathered at Roy's home after the funeral since it was more centrally located. Johnny hovered protectively near Roy and Joanne. Emily looked across the room at Roy's parents who sat quietly on the couch. "How are they holding up?" Emily asked.
"As well as can be expected, I guess," Roy replied, staring at his parents, concern in his eyes.
"To lose a son so young," Emily continued. "A heart attack at 30 is rare."
Roy nodded uncomfortably and looked down at his feet. Johnny stepped between Roy and Emily causing her to take a step back. "You okay, Roy?"
Roy nodded, "Yeah, I'm okay, Johnny. Thanks."
Emily looked around Johnny. "You take care of yourself, Roy. These things can run in families."
Johnny watched as Joanne DeSoto took in a shuddering breath. Johnny reached and put a protective arm around her then glanced back at Roy.
"I will, Emily. Thank you for your concern." Roy turned away and faced Johnny. "Hey, Pal, are you okay?"
Johnny looked shocked. "Me? Don't ask about me, Roy. What about you?"
"I'm okay for the moment. You are wound tighter than a drum."
"Well, I just – I just don't want anyone to say something that will upset you." Johnny looked back and forth between Roy and Joanne.
Joanne, who still had Johnny's arm across her shoulders, wrapped her arm around Johnny's waist and pulled him close. "You are such a good friend."
Johnny's expression softened and he relaxed. "Thanks, Jo."
"I'd love a beer, Johnny," Roy said. "Will you have one with me?"
"Sure, Roy. I'll get you one. Stay right here." Johnny rushed off to the kitchen.
Joanne put her arms around her husband's waist now as she looked over at her in-laws. "Oh, Roy," she said but didn't finish her thought.
"I don't know what to do for them, Joanne."
"To lose a child is never easy but this…" Joanne started to cry softly. "I'm sorry. I am trying to be strong for you but…"
"No, don't apologize." Roy's voice was gruff with emotion.
Weeks passed and life settled back to something close to normal. Hank watched Roy smiling at Johnny and Chet as they argued some inane point but the Captain could tell there was still sadness in his paramedic's eyes.
~ E ~
Six months later…
Station 51, meet LAPD at the Olympic Boulevard Bridge. Time out 1945.
Johnny glanced sharply at Roy. He saw his partner hesitate before pushing out of his chair and heading for the squad. The ride to the call was tense. Roy spotted the jumper at the midpoint of the bridge. Police officers stood a few yards back. Roy slammed into park and hurried out of the squad.
"Roy, wait!" Johnny called out. Mike was pulling the engine onto the east end of the bridge, keeping a good distance away as to not startle the man standing on the edge of the bridge. Johnny followed after Roy, not bothering to grab any supplies. He hoped they would not be needed on this run.
Roy approached the closest officer. "Any luck talking to him?"
"No, he just keeps telling us to stay back or he'll jump," the officer replied.
"Let me try."
Johnny hurried up behind his partner but Roy was already moving closer to the man standing precariously close to oblivion. Johnny ran a hand through his hair and looked back at Hank and the rest of the crew who were standing in front of the engine a few dozen yards away.
"Roy," Johnny whispered loudly but Roy only waved a hand behind him without looking back. Johnny understood that he wanted him to stay where he was. That was standard protocol but things were different now.
Roy approached the man slowly. He was about 25, his clothes were old and dirty. His face was unshaven.
"Leave me alone!"
Roy stopped his forward motion. "I just want to help you."
"Just stay back or I'll jump. I mean it!"
"My name is Roy DeSoto. I'm a firefighter paramedic with the…"
"I don't care who you are. Get away from me. Leave me alone."
Roy paused a moment. "What's your name?"
"Get the hell away from me!"
"Please. Please let me help."
Something in Roy's voice made the man turn his head and meet Roy's eyes. "T..Tony. My name is Tony."
"Nice to meet you, Tony," Roy said, offering a smile. Tony scoffed and turned his head away, looking down at the drop below him.
Back at the engine, Hank and the others watched the scene play out. They were too far back to hear what Roy was saying from where they stood. Johnny paced nervously halfway between the squad and the edge of the bridge.
"What's up with Johnny?" Marco asked.
"I don't know. He seems really worried. Maybe things are worse than they appear from here," Hank answered.
"Man, I hate suicide attempts," Chet said from behind him.
"Me too, Pal."
Back at the bridge edge, Roy took one tentative step forward. "You don't want to do this."
"Stay back. I know you are trying to get close to me to grab me."
"I won't do that, Tony," Roy said firmly. Tony looked back at him. "I won't let you take me over with you." Tony looked uneasily over the edge of the bridge. "So, you don't have to worry about me doing anything like that, okay?" Tony nodded.
"Okay then. So why don't you come away from the edge and talk to me. It can't be that bad, can it?"
Tony stifled a sob, "You don't know about my life. Don't try to play shrink with me, man."
"No, I don't know anything about your life. I won't pretend to. But I can tell you what I do know." Roy stopped and waited for a reaction from Tony.
After a moment, Tony turned to look at him again. "What? What do you know?"
"I know how your family will feel if you do this." Roy stared intently into the other man's eyes. "Your parents. You have parents, right?" Tony nodded. "What about brothers and sisters? You have siblings, Tony?" Roy's voice was starting to rise in agitation.
"Yeah, an older brother and sister."
"Think about them, Tony. Think about what you are about to do to their lives. Yeah, yours may suck right now and you aren't sure what to do to fix it. But once you solve your problems this way their lives are permanently screwed." Roy took another step forward. "Have you thought about that? Have you?" He was almost yelling now.
"Shut up. They'll get over it."
"No, they won't. They won't, Tony. Your parents will mourn you until the day they die. No parent should lose a child. But when that child makes the decision to take his own life, they relive every minute of their life with them, wondering what they did wrong." Roy's voice was sharp and angry.
"And tell me about your brother and sister. Did you have good times with them when you were a kid? Think about those special times, Tony. Now think of them trying to forget those times because it tears at their heart every time…" Roy's voice broke. "Every time they think about it."
After staring down into the darkness in front of him for a while, Tony turned to look at Roy. Tears ran down his face. "Who?"
"My little brother."
"When?"
"Six months ago. Six months, two weeks and three days ago." Roy's voice shook and his own tears spilled over.
The two men stood in silence for a moment before Tony spoke. "I'm sorry."
"You see that other paramedic behind me?" Tony glanced beyond Roy and saw the dark hair paramedic raking his hands through his hair and pacing. "He's the only one at the station that knows what really happened. My parents…my parents didn't want anyone to know." Roy reached and wiped his face with the back of his jacket sleeve. "People need to know. I'm not keeping this a secret anymore." Tony listened as Roy seemed to be speaking now more to himself. Roy stood quietly for a moment and then looked back at Tony.
"Let me help you. Step back from the edge. I couldn't help my brother but I can help you." Roy took another step closer and reached out a hand. "Please."
Tony stared at Roy's outstretched hand for a moment and then slowly backed away from the brink. He took Roy's hand. Roy pulled him close and gave him a hug just as the police swarmed around them grabbing at Tony's arms and pulling them behind his back to handcuff them.
"Go easy on him, guys," Roy said to the police officers. Tony looked alarmed as he was led to the waiting patrol car. "Don't worry, Tony. I'll see you again, okay?"
Before the car door was shut, Tony replied, "Thank you, Roy." Tony watched through the glass as the other paramedic rushed up to Roy and put a supportive hand on his shoulder.
"Roy…" Johnny began but stopped.
"Yeah?"
"I was going to say I should have taken this one but…I think you were just the man for the job."
Roy turned to face Johnny and then looked beyond him to the worried crew of Engine 51. "Let's go home, Partner. There are some things we all need to talk about."
Johnny nodded and smiled as he watched some of the weight his partner had carried be lifted off his shoulders.
~ E ~
Back at the station, Johnny refilled coffee cups as Roy told his brother's story to his friends.
"Oh, man, Roy. That's rough. I'm so sorry."
"Thanks, Chet."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Mike asked softly.
Roy shrugged. "At first the police told my parents that Glenn had died of natural causes. It wasn't until two days later that the truth came out. It just seemed easier this way. But I'm sorry. I really am."
"It is understandable, Roy. Don't let this bother you. We may have all done the same thing. Suicide…has such a stigma."
"It does, Cap. But I'm not going to hide this anymore. Everyone needs to talk about it. We post those suicide hotline signs and then turn away. It won't be that way for me anymore."
"There is that suicide family survivor support group I told you about," Johnny said. He was standing near the stove, leaning against the counter.
Roy got up and approached his best friend. "I know, Johnny. I'm going to contact them. I promise."
"Really, Roy?"
"Yes. Johnny, you have been more than a friend during all this. I want to say thank you for being there for me." Roy patted Johnny on the shoulder and smiled before going back to his seat at the table.
"Marco, you haven't said anything." Roy looked over at the lineman across from him.
Marco had kept his head lowered the entire time but looked up to face Roy. His eyes were wet. "The church…the church teaches…" Marco couldn't continue.
"The church teaches that suicide is a sin. Is that what you are trying to say?" Roy asked gently.
Marco nodded sadly. "Only God has the right to take a life."
"Marco, don't." Mike said sternly.
"No, Mike, he's right. He is only telling me what he believes. And maybe he's right. Maybe Glenn did suffer for his sin. I don't know that. I won't know that until I'm gone from this earth myself. But I'll tell you this, if it is true and he is in some purgatory somewhere…I'll walk through fire to find him and bring him home." Roy's voice was strong but a tear slid down his cheek.
Johnny came up to the table and put a hand on Roy's shoulder. "Just wait for me. I'll go with you." Roy looked up at Johnny and smiled sadly. "Thanks, Buddy."
"Hey, I'll be there too. I'll bring the hose." Chet said brightly and Roy laughed.
"Count me in," Mike said.
"I'll lead the way," Hank said, blinking back a tear.
Roy looked at each man and smiled then looked back over at Marco. "I mean no disrespect, Marco."
Marco nodded and smiled across the table. "I'll be right there with you, Roy."
"Well, all right." Roy grinned.
The tones went off and each man rose to greet the new challenge.
The End
The latest data available from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicates that 38,364 suicide deaths were reported in the U.S. in 2010. This latest rise places suicide again as the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. and it is the highest rate of suicide in 15 years.
Learn the warning signs, reach out. You can help. Start by visiting sites such as The American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide. And if you have lost someone to suicide, consider joining a support group—first to get help and then to offer your own help. I did and those people were my strength during that horrible time.