While Heero was Away
By Prettysammy007
Author's Note: I've had this story idea for a LONG time, and it's finally going to be put down on paper, erm… the computer. Since I have a couple of LOGW fans, (My sister and her friend, Shelbi.) I talked to them about this, and they gave me more ideas. Fun, fun! Oh yeah, I don't own GW or any of the characters that I write about. Now I'll shut up and you can read!
"You got everything?" Duo asked Heero, who was holding three suitcases.
"Yes."
"I don't know how you managed to get all your guns past the security, but hurry, go! Relena is sure to be coming soon!" Duo shoved Heero into the door of an airplane. "Bye, Heero! See you soon!"
"Hmph," Heero grunted as he sat in his designated seat. He sighed a breath of relief, for there was no sign of Relena, who had been stalking him more than usual this past month…
"Heero!" someone yelled. Heero jumped and pointed his gun at the person who said his name. A little boy, who dropped his portable Playstation, started to cry.
"Don't shoot me! I'm just playing Lunar 2! Hiro just died!"
"Sorry." He said and sat back down.
"Attention passengers: Flight 496 to…"
"Heero!" someone yelled again.
"It's probably the kid again." Heero thought to himself.
"Heero! Don't go! I love you!"
"Oh shit!" He looked out the window to see that Relena was scurrying down the runway. The airplane started, and was moving very slowly.
"No! Wait!"
"Go away Relena!" Heero opened the window and yelled at his pursuer.
"But I love you!"
"No you don't! You're just so damn ugly, so you just fell for the first guy you saw! I still curse the Earth knowing that I was him!" He pulled a suitcase out of the over-head compartment and threw it at her. She shrugged it off and continued to run. He then stood up, ripped his chair from the floor, and dropped it on her. She still didn't retract. Heero grabbed a small rock out from the bottom of his shoe, and threw it at Relena's forehead.
"Gah!" she fell and scraped her hands and knees. The plane took off into the air, and Heero gave Relena the middle-finger as a goodbye. "No! HEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOO!"
"SHUT UP!" a man on the runway said and pointed a small can of pepper spray at her. "I'm not afraid to use it!" with a cowardly look upon his face.
---
Back inside the airport, Relena ran to the service counter while rubbing the pepper spray from her eyes.
"Tell me where that flight that just left took off for!" she demanded. The teller, who had a very frightened voice stuttered:
"F-flight number 496 w-went t-to…"
"Heero!" Relena turned to the brown haired guy behind her.
"Hey! Who the hell are you?"
"Oops, sorry Li. Wrong anime" the author said. Li disappeared with a p00f. Relena turned around, but the teller had already taken off in a psycho rage.
"Dammit, now it's time for plan B." Relena said as she lifted the hem of her skirt. Someone nearby saw Relena, fainted, and spontaneously combusted. "Here it is!" she pulled out a manila envelope and opened it.
"After Heero, there's Duo Maxwell." She said. "There he is!" she pointed.
"Huh?" Duo looked over and saw Relena. "Ha, ha! It's too late! Heero's gone!"
"I'm not after Heero, I'm after you!"
"GOOD GOD! SOMEONE HELP ME!" Duo screamed. He ran out the door of the airport, followed by Relena. "HELP! HELLLLLLP!"
"I love you, Duo Maxwell!" Relena wailed after him. Duo stopped.
"You love…Me?"
"Yes…" Relena blushed.
"Wow, I've never been loved before… not counting the thousands of fan-girls…..uh…and guys" Duo said.
"Duo!" Relena ran to him, jumping to be held in his arms.
While she was in the air, Duo pulled out a gun, shot her down, giggled, and walked away.
---
"Uhh…uh." Relena woke in a hospital emergency room. "W-what? Where's Duo?" she jumped off the bed, all the life-support attachments fell onto the floor. "Well, Heero would NEVER shoot me. Who's next?" she got the manila envelope and pulled out Trowa's file. "Colony L3, eh? Okay! Let's go!" she jumped off the bed and dragged the heart-monitor along side her.
---
"Trowa!" Relena ran up to the clown, who was about ready to perform.
"What?"
"I love you, Trowa Barton!"
"Okay." He said with a straight face. "Listen, you wanna do something for me?"
"Anything for my true love!" she ran up to kiss him, but Trowa backed away.
"I want you to be in my act."
"Wow! I'm gonna be famous!" she squealed.
"Okay, let me get everything prepared." Trowa took off while Relena waited. After a few minutes, he came back.
"Okay, come into the tent." He said and left. She followed into the three-rings of the tent, where the whole crowd screamed in terror when Relena walked in.
"Ladies and Gentlemen!" the announcer dude from G-Gundam came out of nowhere. "We have a special treat for you tonight! Trowa Barton will be doing the knife throwing for you, instead the highly-trained professional, Catherine Bloom!" two men hauled Catherine's knife throwing board away, and came back with a blood stained one.
"What's… with the blood?" Relena said as she was locked into place.
"This is the board that I use." Trowa held up the knives with a demented grin.
-Thunk –
---
"Huh?" Relena woke in the same hospital with stitches all over her body. "I don't think that Heero would throw knives at me…" she grabbed Quatre's file. "Quatre? This will work out beautifully!"
---
Heero was sitting on a beach somewhere, sipping an iced tea in one hand, and his gun in the other, you know… just in case.
"Ah, this feels great." He said to himself. Heero turned his head and noticed a wooden fence around a wide area of the beach. "Hm?" he became curious and jumped the fence.
"Heero Yuy? Is that you?"
"Doctor… AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"What's the matter, J? Oh, I see this one has clothes on." Professor G and the others walked up to the doctor.
"Didn't you read the sign Heero? This is a nude beach."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Heero scrambled in the sand and over the fence again. "Must… clean eyes!" He said, pouring his iced tea onto his eyeballs. "Well, at least it wasn't Relena…"
---
"Quatre!"
"Oh, hello Relena." Quatre said in a kind voice.
"I love you, Quatre!"
"Wow, I'm very flattered. But I don't think that I need another woman in my life. I already have 29 sisters. Thanks anyway." Quatre snapped on his goggles (which are the shiznit!) and went up into Wing Zero.
"But…but…but…" she said with doggy eyes. Quatre turned on Wing Zero and patted her like the dog she is.
"Well, off I GO…" Wing Zero took a step toward Relena.
--SPLAT!—
---
"Huh?" Relena woke in a hospital… again. "Where am I?" she peered into the small beam of light, where someone was sitting. There was a brief silence.
"I like… pie." The man grinned.
"…Me too!" Relena smiled.
"DON'T TALK TO HER!" someone yelled.
"Excuse me!" Relena went up to the door. "Where am I exactly, and why is this blanket wrapped around me so tightly?" a small window opened to reveal a pair of eyes, which widened and disappeared once they saw Relena.
"Well," Relena said, getting out of the 'blanket'. "Next is… Wufei Chang." (or Chang Wufei. However you want to put it.)
---
"Ow.. ow…" Heero was rubbing sand in his eyes. "Must get rid of vision… must get rid of vision…"
"Heero!" someone said. Heero quickly picked up his gun, and aimed it at the head of Hilde.
"Oh, it's you… You're one of Relena's spies, aren't you?"
"No, I just…"
BANG
"You owe me, Duo." He said and packed up his beach chair and headed towards the hotel, when someone bumped into him.
"Watch it, buddy." They said.
BANG
"I feel better." Heero said with a strait face.
"You missed, yanno… hey, it's Heero! I've been looking for you!" Duo said.
"What? Is she here?" Heero darted his eyes around suspiciously.
"No, no!" Duo put on a serious face. "She tried to stalk me. I tricked her into thinking that I liked her, and shot her down. I came back to put her body in a trash bag, but a bum must have taken it for food."
"…" Heero didn't know what to say.
"Hey, don't tell me you're sad!" Duo complained. "I did what you were supposed to do a long time ago!"
Let me add something to Heero's last sentence:
"No, no!" Duo put on a serious face. "She tried to stalk me. I tricked her into thinking that I liked her, and shot her down. I came back to put her body in a trash bag, but a bum must have taken it for food."
"…" Heero didn't know what to say. He was so overjoyed that he didn't know what to do.
"Hey, don't tell me you're sad!" Duo complained. "I did what you were supposed to do a long time ago!"
"…" Heero was still speechless.
"Look, do you want me to look for her body? I'll ask all the cannibalistic bums I know."
"…" Still nothing, but a gigantic smile spread across his face, literally going from ear to ear.
"That's better." Duo said, satisfied. "By the way, you have something right there." He pointed out a bit of food in Heero's grin.
"I don't care! Relena's dead!"
"By the way," Duo tilted his head. "Why did you never kill her in the first place?"
"Well, it was…"
---
"Wufei Chang! I love you!" Relena screamed to Wufei, even though he was three feet away. Wufei plugged his ears to prevent the shrieking from making his brain explode.
"Would you die to protect me like Meilan did for me, woman?" Wufei asked.
"Yes! Anything for you!"
"Help… I'm in danger." Said a unenthusiastic Wufei.
"Oh no! What's wrong?"
"A mosquito is biting me!" he acted.
"Here, let me run and get a can of Bug…"
"No!"
"But why not!"
"This is the um… Balboozawapapa mosquito!"
"Is it some sort of honor to be bitten by one? Why would you let a mosquito bite you? You Chinese people are weird."
Wufei clenched his fist. "No, it's very dangerous! I am most likely to die!"
"Noooo!" she wailed. Wufei plugged his ears again.
"You said you would die for me! Didn't you?"
"Um…"
"What? Are you backing away from your promise? I can't believe I loved you!"
"No, no, no!" Relena said reassuringly. "I… I would die for you."
"Good." Said Wufei, swatting the mosquito. "Go jump off that really high cliff."
"But you just killed…"
"I SAID, GO JUMP OFF THAT CLIFF!"
"But…"
"Ohh… the poison is slowly killing me!" he rolled around on the ground.
"Okay! Okay!" she said and turned. "I will love you… even in death."
"Whatever." Wufei smashed another mosquito. After a while Relena was at the edge of the cliff.
"In the name of love, I shall sacrifice myself for Wufei!" she said, getting all serious.
"Wait!" Wufei huffed up to the cliff. "Relena, I made a mistake. You don't have to jump off the cliff."
"Oh, Wufei…"
"You have to jump off that one," Wufei said, pointing to an even higher cliff.
"But, why that one?"
"It is the sacred cliff of… Hibijibby Wapapapapa. You must jump off of it in order to save the one you love."
"I'll do it!" she ran off towards the cliff.
An hour later, she was on the edge again.
"In the name of…"
"Wait!" Wufei yelled. "Don't jump!"
"Are you cured? It must have been the love I gave you!" Relena's eyes sparkled.
"No! I just wanted to tell you to make sure that you aim for the sharp pointy rocks at the bottom!"
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, if you don't die right away, make noises like you are in excruciating pain!"
"Okay… anything else?"
"No, just jump." Wufei smiled as he watched Relena's pathetic body pummel down thousands of feet to the rocks below.
CRUNCH, THUNK, WHUMP, AND OTHER FUNNY NOISES!
"Hm, that was too easy." He said.
---
All bruised, battered, and bloody, Relena woke in the hospital the next day… again.
"Huh?" she opened her eyes slowly to see that Heero was standing in front of her. "Is this… heaven?"
"This is hell, Relena."
"Oh."
"Now, I have a question for you…" Heero asked.
"Yes?" she asked, blushing.
"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!"
"Here's why…"
---
"Oh, so that's why…" Duo said when Heero finished his story back on the beach. "Well, I gotta…hold on." Duo grabbed his cell phone. (Hey, he can have one in this story!) "It's a text message from Trowa!"
"What's it say?" the real Heero asked.
"Relena is dead." Duo said. "Huh, I guess he found the body." Both he and Heero smiled.
"I'll type something back. 'Whre ws the bdy?'… and send!" he said with a giggle. A few seconds later, Trowa typed in 'Wht R U Tlking About?'
'I klled hr.'
'I klled hr @ the crcus.'
"Trowa says he killed Relena." Duo stood there, confused.
"I love that clown…" Heero grinned and turned to Duo with an evil glare. "No treat for you tonight!"
"NUUUUUUUUU! DAMN YOU TROWA!" Suddenly, there was another message. "It's Quatre."
'Relena ish ded.'
"He said he killed her too!" Duo screamed in surprise. Another message from Wufei.
'Woman = Ded'
"Dammit, W00fy too!"
"What the hell does this mean?" Heero pondered.
"This could only mean one thing…" Duo said with a white face. "RELENA CLONES ARE TAKING OVER THE EARTH! RUN EVERYONE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" he ran around in a small circle in panic.
"Snap out of it, man!" Heero grabbed Duo's shoulders and slapped him.
"Ow."
"We'll have to investigate. That bitch is going to pay for making my vacation short."
---
"Haven't you realized that I am a figment of your imagination?" the imaginary Heero said after Relena's thirty-first attempt to glomp him.
"No." she said and tried again. She went right through him and scraped her face on the floor.
"Listen," the imaginary Heero said in a rush. "If you're trying to make your face any uglier by scraping it on the floor, it's not possible. Now, go away… shoo."
"But…"
"If I throw a stick, will you go get it?"
"Anything for you!"
"Oh God, get rid of the sappy crap." He said and threw the stick. Relena scurried to pick it up and returned to the scene.
"Heero?"
"…you dumb bitch. Wake up."
"Huh?" Relena opened her eyes again to see that Heero and Duo were hovering over her.
"Heero!" she got up to hug him, but she was tied up.
"Now." Heero said with a demented smile and a twinkle in his eye. "It's time for fun."
"Are we going to have a three…"
"IS THIS YOUR PLAN, HEERO? I'M NOT TOUCHING HER! I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S THE REAL ONE OR ONE OF THE CLONES!" Duo shrieked in horror.
"Duo, you idiot." Heero turned to him. "I would never… EVER do a thing like that. It's torture in itself. It's sick and wrong in more ways that one."
"So… we aren't having a three…"
"Don't say 'we' and threesome' in the same sentence!" Heero pointed a gun at Relena's head.
"You just did." Duo pointed out.
"Oh shut up." Heero glared. He turned back to Relena. "Now… this is where we have the fun."
---
A few days later, the mangled Relena took a vacation with Heero and Duo…. To Cape Canaveral, Florida."
"Ooh! I wanna see the space ships!" Relena squealed from her cage in the trunk.
"Don't worry, you will." Heero said while Duo was head banging to some music. "Will you stop that? I'm getting cuts from your braid hitting my face."
"LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! Erm…. LET THE BODY GO TO SPACE! LET THE BODY GO TO SPACE!"
"Duo! You ruined the plan!"
"What plan?" Relena asked.
"Exactly."
"No, seriously, what plan?"
"There's no plan." Heero said. Duo's braid stopped when the song was over.
"Here we are: NASA headquarters!" Heero pulled into a parking space.
"I wanna see the ponies!" Duo said, jumping on Heero.
"There are no ponies, Duo!"
"DAMMIT I NEVER GET TO SEE THE DAMN PONIES!"
"There are ponies here?" Relena asked as her cage was hauled out.
"No!" Heero grunted and put her cage on a cart.
"Mr. Yuy?" a scientist guy greeted the group wheeling the frog in the cage.
"Yes. Are the preparations complete?"
"The shuttle going to the sun should be completed and ready to launch later this afternoon."
"Can I poke the birds who get killed in the shuttle blastoff with a stick?"
"Do as you please." The scientist said.
"Woo-hoo!" Duo danced around. "Poke the birds! Crispy, crunchy KFC birds!"
"This guy seems easily entertained." The scientist man concluded.
"Oh look, a rocket scientist." Heero said, sarcastically.
"Really? Where? I've always wanted to meet one…" the scientist guy said. Heero put his head in his hand. Relena gasped.
"Are we getting married in space!?" Relena asked enthusiastically.
"AAAAAAAH! IT SPOKE!" the scientist guy screamed. "We must get it on the shuttle, quickly!"
A few hours later…
"Bondage is so kinky, Heero." Relena said. Heero shuttered as he wrapped the last of the duct tape around Relena's ankles to the shuttle.
"Houston… This is Shinigami, over."
"Shinigami, interesting code name, over." Houston responded.
"I know, isn't it great? Oh, I have a question before we launch, over."
"What is it, over"
"Can you hear this?" Duo leaned over and farted. "Did you hear that? Over."
"I'm sure that they didn't hear you in China, over."
"Yeah they did, I just got a message from Wufei, over." Duo read the message on his phone that said 'Did U frt?'
"Ugh.." Houston groaned. "Is the creature secure, over?"
"Will duct tape work, over"
"Duct tape will work fine and dandy, over."
"TIME TO LAAAAAAAUNCH!" Duo yelled into the microphone. He gave Heero the thumbs up
"Alright, un-manned shuttle code named : Heero's Freedom from Stalking Goat-Frog Crossbreed, will launch in ten… nine… eight… seven…"
"I LOVE YOU HEERO YUY!" Relena yelled from the shuttle.
"Six… two… one… FIRE THE DAMN THING!" he commanded. The scientist guy pressed the button in glee.
"Boy Heero, you need to learn how to count." Duo said. "That reminds me… WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE CLONES?"
The shuttle blasted off, and in the midst's of Relena's screams and Duo's panic, Heero was laughing cruelly just as if he were killing a thousand Relena's. But of course, you can't kill Relena off permanently, then there wouldn't be any more fan fiction about it…
"Meep, meep."
"Huh? What the…" Relena had woken up again.
"MEEP!"
"Huh? Who are you? Why are you purple?"
"Meep, Meep meep meep." More had come along and surrounded Relena.
"Ooh! They're so cute!" cried Relena.
---
"Oh, no." Heero said, still in the tower.
"Hm? What's wrong?" Duo asked while munching on a NASA doughnut.
"The shuttle went off course. It was supposed to hit the sun, but missed it by three thousand kilometers."
"What happened to it?"
"It continued on its course… let's hope it doesn't hit one of the colonies…"
---
"Meep, meep, meep?" one of the little purple things talked to another one.
"Well, will you untie me?" she asked.
"Meep." The alien nodded grimly, and whacked Relena on the head with a pipe.
After a few hours, Relena woke again, this time, ten little men surrounded her.
"Wh.. what's going on?" she asked.
"Meep!" one commanded, and they began to poke her with straws.
"Noooo!" she cried. "Not poking! AAAAAAAAAAAH! HELP ME, HEERO!" she yelped.
---
"Mmm… yeah. That's the spot, Duo." Heero moaned.
"Eww… geez, Heero. That sounded sick. I'm just polishing your gun." Duo backed away.
"You're right." Heero said. "Ooh.. right there! Yeah!"
"Gah!" Duo threw the gun down and Heero laughed. He hadn't laughed for a long time, but now that Relena was dead, well… he just could now. He was free. Free from the torture and cruel eyes of Relena, who was poked to death.
A month later, Heero and Duo had moved in together.
"Hey! Heero! You got mail!" Duo said in a bad AOL man impression.
"Shut up and let me see it." He said and opened the un-addressed envelope. After reading the first two sentences, he fainted.
"Huh?" Duo picked up the letter and read it out loud:
Dear Heero,
It seems that my mistress, Relena Peacecraft, has not returned for months. Therefore I hold you responsible for her misplacement.
Thank you.
Therefore, I give you a total of half of Miss Peacecraft's savings, which is $1,000,000. That's a helluva lot of money. I will take the other half and live on a secluded island and drink lots of alcohol, and be free from Relena's ruin.
I wish you the best of luck in life. If you need assistance, please feel free to contact me.
Best Wishes,
Pegan
The End.