A Test, A Serious Discussion and A Little Death

Disclaimer: These are not my characters they are fully James Duffs. I just love them so much and love to play with them.

Andy sat at the table and stared at three shot glasses. One was a shot of whiskey, Jack Daniels to be exact, one was bourbon and one was brandy. While he sipped cranberry and soda, his friend Patrick Sullivan, the owner of the bar and the bartender had been reluctant to give them to him knowing Andy had been sober for over 20 years, but he had finally acquiesced when Andy told him he was "testing himself."

"I'm still not keen on this, but here you go," Pat had said and put the drinks on the table. That was an hour ago. For the last hour Andy had sat there sipping his cranberry and soda and staring, sometimes picking the shot glasses up, smelling them and then putting it down again, without drinking them.

He had come here after a disagreement with Sharon. They had come home finally, after the terrible tragedy in the courtroom. He had wanted to help her, to hold her if she needed to be held. Do what he could to ease her through this horrible time, but she had pushed him away. Told him she didn't need him to take care of her. He had asked her why she refused to let him help her. She had said, "I'm afraid it will be too much. I can't risk that. I just can't. Give me space, Andy. You still have a lot of packing to do. Why not take care of it tonight. I'll see you at work tomorrow," she had then turned and walked out onto the balcony with a generous glass of wine.

Andy had followed her out onto the balcony, "Sharon, I'm not spending the night away from you. I'll not let you push me away. If you don't want my company right now, that's fine, I understand. I have something I have to do anyway, but if you change your mind I'll be on my side of the bed in a couple of hours." Then he had come here, to "test" himself. He had known instinctively what Sharon meant by 'I'm afraid it will be too much' and 'she couldn't risk it.' Jack had always blamed his inability to stay on the wagon on her. Any time she tried to let her now ex-husband know she needed his help or needed him to be there for her, like the birth of her children or a bad case at work. He had fallen off the wagon and then blamed her for it. Andy knew pushing him away was a knee jerk reaction for her based on past experiences. So he wanted to be the opposite of Jack. He wanted to be strong enough for her to be able to trust him. So he was trying to prove to himself and her that he was.

This test he was doing was different then sitting there while Provenza got drunk, like he used to before Sharon and Patrice because with Provenza they were celebrating the end of a case. There was nothing bad happening at the time. It was easy to resist the alcohol. There was no danger (at least not more than usual that is) there was no emotional turmoil like there was now in the mist of this terrible case. This case with the Neo-Nazis was brutal. So many lives taken, so much danger and it wasn't over. Everybody was scared. Sharon was shaken to her very core and yet, she had pushed him away. He knew it was because she was scared that if she leaned on him she would drive him to drink like she had done to Jack. She hadn't really, but Jack had made her believe his failings were her fault.

With this "test" which he was taping, by the way, Andy was hoping to prove to himself that she was wrong. That he was strong enough to get through this with her without drinking. He wanted to convince her to allow him in. He wanted to show her that his love for her made him strong. That he wouldn't turn to drinking because she unburdened herself to him, but he wanted to prove it to himself first so he believed it when he talked to Sharon again. "Andy, what are you doing Buddy?"

Andy looked up and saw his sponsor. "Hi, Bruce. Thanks for coming."

"No problem, but what's this? Andy you've been sober twenty-two years. Are you really going to throw all that away with everything you have to lose? Come on, Andy talk to me," said the robust man of sixty-six. He had silver hair, a salt and pepper goatee, with hazel eyes that we're currently full of concern.

"Actually no, I'm testing myself," Andy said seriously.

Bruce was completely confused. "Testing yourself? Andy, what's this all about?"

"You heard about the courthouse shootings?" Andy asked.

"Yeah, it's all over the news. Were you involved in that?"

Andy nodded. "My...my captain who you know is also my girlfriend, shot the guy point blank. She's...going through hell, but she keeps pushing me away because she's afraid she'll drive me to drink if she unburdens herself to me. If she lets me help her, she has this idea that I'm too fragile to lean on because of my alcoholism."

"So, what? You're proving her right?" Bruce asked indicating the three shot glasses.

He twisted his sobriety ring on his pinky finger that he worked hard to earn before answering his long time friend. "No, look I'm trying to prove to myself and her, that in spite all that's going on and is going to go on I will not drink. These shot glasses have been sitting there for an hour. I've picked them up I've smelled them, I put them down again and I drink my cranberry and soda. For a moment I almost faltered and I really wanted to taste them but I put them down then I called you. I guess what I really needed was someone to talk to, to hear me and maybe to remind me of what I have to lose."

"Andy, I don't have to remind you." Bruce squeezed Andy's shoulder, "you know what you have to lose, which proves my thought that this wasn't one of your brightest ideas. Why didn't you just go to a meeting? That's what they are for, Buddy."

"I know Bruce, I just wanted to prove to her and myself that I won't drink even if it's right in front of me..." Andy rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at the amber filled glasses taunting him. "You know, you're right. This was a bad idea. What I really should have done was skipped this part and just called you."

"Now you are talking. She's...um pretty wrecked huh?"

Taking a sip of his non-alcoholic drink without taking his eyes off the shots that could lead to his downfall. "Yeah, and I wanted to go to her and know within myself that I could stand strong, that I could be there for her. So that I could convince her it's okay to lean on me. How can I convince her if I'm not entirely convinced myself?"

"Why would you not know that you are? Is it her doubting you? Listen, we both know her ex is a first class asshole and most likely did a real number on her." Andy didn't speak, but nodded. "I suggest that you go back home and show her you are there for her. Her doubt has nothing to do with you. Her doubt has to do with her past experiences and you are not going to convince her she's wrong by leaving her at a moment when she really needs you to go to a bar..."

Andy defended his actions by stating, "but she pushed me away. She told me to leave. I did tell her I wasn't going to spend the night away from her, that I was coming back in a few hours."

Bruce decided his friend needed to hear the cold hard truth and gave it to him. "If she was testing you to see how far she could push you, you proved to her she was right. That you would leave her."

"We promised each other we wouldn't play those games." He set his drink down harder then necessary.

"Well, she may not have been doing it consciously. She's in a dark place, Andy."

Suddenly Andy realized the full implications of what he had done. He put his face in his hands. "And she probably thinks I don't understand where she's coming from, that I just call them all dirtbags and it doesn't affect me when I have to kill them..." Andy said sadly. He tried to remember if he had ever told her the main reason he had become an alcoholic, the cases that had pushed him over the edge. He doubted it. He tried not to think about that time too much. He stood up quickly put $35.00 on the table and left with Bruce following in his wake. "Thanks Bruce for helping me to see things more clearly," he said truly grateful as he walked quickly to his car. He turned and shook hands with his friend.

"You're welcome, Andy. Next time you need someone to talk to call me before you end up in the bar. Even if you are only there to "test" yourself." Bruce wore a smile but his tone was dead serious.

With a smirk he said," I will. Thank you."

Andy stepped on the gas and hurried home to Sharon. It was 11:00pm when he walked into the condo. He locked the door with the chain lock and the deadbolt, threw his keys into the metal bowl on the foyer table. Took off his shoes, and put his badge on the table, his gun in the safe box on the top shelf of the coat closet. The living room was dark. He was heading for the bedroom to see if she was there when he heard a strangled sob coming from the couch. He saw Sharon curled into the fetal position; she had changed from work clothes into his favorite peignoir and white cashmere sweater. Her eyes were closed, he could tell immediately that she had fallen asleep and was caught in the throes of a terrible nightmare. "No No, Andy! Please don't leave me! I'm so sorry I didn't shoot him in time! Please don't die," she sobbed.

Andy tried to speak in gentle tones and to touch her gently at first, but when that did nothing to wake her out of her nightmare. He gathered her into his arms and held her on his lap. "Sharon, I'm fine. I'm not dead. You were having a nightmare. Wake up, Sweetheart. Sharon wake up."

Sharon blinked. "Andy?" She asked, her voice hollow and in monotones.

"Yes, it's me. See, I'm fine. You were having a nightmare that I died?"

She nodded tears running down her face. "It was horrible! " She said, shuddering as she remembered her nightmare. She swallowed the lump of terror in her throat. "I knew even as I was dreaming it that's not how it happened but it seemed so real and I couldn't shake the nightmare," she sobbed.

He held her close while she cried knowing she's needed the release. When she was done he handed her tissues to wipe her face. She took the tissues, blew her nose and then looked down, "I thought you had left. That I had driven you away, " she said as tried to swallow back another bout of tears. For a woman who hardly ever cried in front of anyone else she was sure making up for lost time with Andy. Of course the difference was that Sharon felt emotionally safe with Andy even though this evening she had tried to push him away. She had fallen back on old habits in an effort to regain her equilibrium in the aftermath of the shooting.

Andy put a finger beneath her chin to force her to look him in the eye and tenderly said, "No, I won't let you drive me away, Sharon. Remember, I said I'd be back in a couple of hours?"

"I guess I didn't entirely believe you. I'm sorry I tried to push you away. Where did you go?" she asked curiously.

Andy put his head back on the back of the couch a moment. He was wondering how exactly to broach the subject. Then he shrugged his shoulders and decided to face it head on. He'd show her the video. "Rather than tell you I'll show you." He took his iPad, found the video he had made, and played it for her. The video was in pieces. There was a part where Andy was in the car talking to her about his love for her and his desire to test himself so she would see that he wouldn't drink even if it was in front of him. Another one was where he was in the bar where his test would take place and then the part where he visited by his Sponsor, Bruce.

Sharon's brow wrinkled and she frowned when she saw where Andy was in the video.

"You went to a bar? Andy, you've been sober for twenty-two years! Oh my God, I did drive you to drink? It's all my fault!" She looked devastated and stricken with guilt.

Andy knew if he didn't stop her and make her listen to the video she would hit pissed and move onto completely furious. "Sharon, no you did not drive me to drink anymore than you drove me away. You didn't do either. Listen."

Sharon listened to the entire video; from the moment Andy got in the car and started talking until he parted with Bruce to come back to the condo. Silent tears ran down her face. "Sharon, you are hurting right now. I see the pain you are in and I want so much to take you into my arms and comfort you, but because of Jack you are afraid to lean on me. You are afraid to put too much pressure on me or trust me with your feelings. All because of your past experience with an alcoholic who was so self absorbed and in such denial he blamed you when he fell off the wagon. Sharon, I'm not Jack. I know you know that on one level and that making me pay for Jack's mistakes is not intentional. I've been sober for a very long time and a very big part of me feels strongly that I can handle whatever you trust me with. I wouldn't be being truthful if I didn't admit to the tiny part of me that isn't sure. No recovering alcoholic can be 100% sure, but to show us both that I can resist alcohol even if it's sitting right in front of me I've decided to do this test. Sharon, you are my world. I love you more than I could ever express, I know what I'd be giving up if I drank. I'd be giving up you, my relationship with my daughter and her sons and the potential relationship with my own son, Tony. Not to mention my job. It may be a dumb idea but with this test I hope to prove to you and myself that I won't drink no matter what. That even if I feel the desire to drink, I know how to use my resources to avoid giving into those desires. I want to know for sure that I can trust myself and I want you to know that you can trust me. That I'm not fragile and that you can trust me with your feelings."

The video showed Andy finding a seat and Patrick bringing him the three shot glasses and the tumbler of cranberry and soda. She watched, as he smelled the alcohol from each shot glass, but put them down and drank from his non-alcoholic drink. She watched as his resolve began to slip and when he picked up his cell to make a call. She watched as Bruce arrived and listened as he scolded Andy. "You told him about me?" Sharon asked both surprised and concerned.

Andy explained to her. "Just that I had a girlfriend, that you were also in the force and had been married to an alcoholic. He connected the dots."

She looked up to him, "but he knows Jack?"

"He was a police Sergeant in Vice and then Robbery Homicide, at Hollenbeck. I worked there before I worked at Central. He used to be my boss. He's good at connecting the dots and in AA even in LA the AA community is close. Even though it's supposed to be anonymous you see the same people you get to know them and the pieces of their lives sometimes become clear. Jack has made the rounds of the different meetings over the years and Bruce has had to throw him out of a couple of our meetings because of his drunken disorderliness. He only does that, throws him out, I mean if Jack becomes aggressive toward other members which he has...recently," Andy said looking down. He had not wanted to tell her this but in the interest of complete honesty he had decided to tell her about his dealings with her ex.

Sharon questioned him with alarm, "Towards you?"

Andy nodded. "Don't worry, I try to stay away from him and try not to allow him to bait me. It doesn't always work especially if he talks trash about you."

"Don't let him get to you, Andy. You don't have to defend my honor. I don't need you for that." Sharon quoted herself from what she told Andy last year. Though she did know it was hard for him to not step in on her account. "How come you never told me?" She wondered out loud.

Andy knew she deserved to hear the truth so he told her how he felt. "Well, for one thing I didn't want to come off as running to you and tattling on the big bad bully, like we were kids in a school yard. Besides what happens in AA is supposed to stay in AA." Andy shrugged, "the only reason I told you now was that you asked how Bruce knows Jack. I didn't want you to feel that you needed to save me from him. Just like you say, I don't need you for that, Sharon. I'm a big boy and I can handle Jack."

She asked with trepidation, "You didn't hit him did you, Andy?"

He thought how much he would like to have done what Sharon asked. "No, I used my words."

"What did you say exactly?" She needed to know.

"I said that he needed to stop talking trash about you. That you were the love of my life and whether he knew it or not, you were the best thing that had ever happened to him..." Andy looked her in the eye to make sure she understood him well, "or me. That I would be forever thankful that because he was too stupid to know that, that I am the one lucky enough to have you in my life. Unlike him I would cherish you with my whole heart and soul and I would stay committed to being sober so that you would not have to deal with another broken down self absorbed drunk."

"Andy…" Sharon had to try again to hold back all the emotions building in her. "Andy, you said that?"

He smiled and said frankly, "Yes, I did and I meant it."

Sharon pressed her lips together. With her eyes swimming in tear she said,

"Thank you, Andy."

"Every word I said was true, Sharon." Andy kissed the palm of her hand.

"Andy, please don't ever "test" yourself again." Sharon held his hand before continuing, "you...you came too close to throwing twenty-two years of sobriety away. If you had failed that test it would have been all my fault." She tighten grip on Andy's hand.

He intertwined their fingers. "No, Sharon it would have been mine. You are not the reason Jack fell off the wagon, and you would not be the reason if I did. I didn't, by the way come close to losing my sobriety. I know it looked like I did, but I called Bruce, he's my sponsor, as soon as I felt the slightest twinge of resolve slipping.

"But what if he hadn't answered?" Sharon asked earnestly.

"I would have gotten up and gone to a meeting. Honey, I've been doing this a long time. I mean dealing with my disease. I know all the tricks to keep myself from making a mistake. One of them is to call Bruce and talk to him or go to a meeting or several meetings, if the urge to drink is strong. The best of my tricks is to say today I am strong enough to not drink. Granted, trying to test myself wasn't my brightest idea," he gave her a lopsided smile, "I knew that going in, if you want me to be totally honest."

"Andy, if you knew it was a dumb idea, why did you go through with it?" She asked, perplexed.

He answered her confidently, "I guess I just wanted you to see how far I was willing to go to prove to you that I was strong enough for you to lean on. I wanted you to feel like you could trust me, and my little test did accomplish a few things. It reminded me what a good friend Bruce is to me and it proved to me that I'm strong in my resolve to not drink, today. That no matter how close I am to my old favorite drinks I'll have your face, the faces of my children and grandchildren in my mind to help me choose you and them over alcohol. Also if I feel weak that I only need to call Bruce or go to a meeting. I'm strong enough Sharon for you to trust me. I'm not going to drink today."

"What about tomorrow? What if my burdens are too heavy for you tomorrow?" she asked. She knew she was pushing but she had to be sure.

Andy looked into her beautiful green eyes and said sincerely, "We face tomorrow together. As long as we're together we are strong and if we are strong, then what do I need with alcohol? I am strong enough to help you with your burdens, Sharon. You don't have to shield me. I can handle it all."

"But what if something happened to me? Would you drink then?"

"I don't know, Sharon. I'd certainly be devastated enough to want to drown my sorrows, but I would hope that my relationship with Nicole and the boys would be strong enough to make me think twice about it. My daughter would not tolerate me drinking. She'd cut me out of hers and the boy's life faster than you can blink. I wouldn't want to risk that."

One of the things Sharon loved about Andy was his honesty and his open desire to get it right this time. He might bumble around a bit but eventually he got it right. Reassured, she knew she could open up about her feelings about the Dwight Darnell incident. Sharon lay her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

"Talk to me, my love," he said, stroking her cheek tenderly.

Sharon buried her face into Andy's chest. She toyed with the buttons of his shirt and couldn't look him in the eye. "I haven't been able to muster any remorse for killing Dwight. I've felt no guilt, no remorse whatsoever. I was raised old school Catholic. I was taught that if you die before you are redeemed by the sanctity of confession and penance if you don't have true contrition for your sins you would go to hell. I know it's hard for you to think like that. You just think of them as dirtbags and move on."

"That bothers you doesn't it? That we don't seem to be on the same page?" She looked at him and then looked down into her lap and nodded. "Sharon, you think I don't understand what you are experiencing because you are right. I do call them all dirtbags and move on, but I was there once or twice and calling them dirtbags is a coping tool. If I didn't use it, I'd be swallowed up in grief and remorse to the point of not being able to function in this job and I love my job. The Serenity Prayer we recite at AA meetings has helped me a lot as well. Sharon's eyebrows rose in a silent question. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. It's a simple prayer but it helps."

As he recited the words to the Serenity Prayer Sharon said them to herself under her breath. "I've seen that prayer, it was written on the back of a business card of Jack's first sponsor. I'd forgotten about that. It is pretty simple prayer Andy and I'm glad it helps."

Since they were being honest with each other Andy decided to be completely open with the woman he loved and stated, "I'm not sure I've told you about the cases that sent me over the edge."

TBC