Not to be taken seriously. I was drunk and it was 3AM... What else is a person to do?
Okay, so I have been informed that I spelt Zed and Shen wrong in the title, but have spelt it correct everywhere else. If you want to know why, it's because the title was intentionally spelt wrong. You could read deeply into this -
I've spelt the names wrong in the title because this is a parody, meaning the characters are not actually in character because these are my drunken ramblings from 3 in the morning.
Or maybe it's a sign of how much peace our two ninjas find in gardening.
Or maybe it's their ship name.
Or maybe the title was the result of an inside joke. Who knows, it could be any of the above reasons.
"7AM GOTTA BE FRESH GOTTA GO DOWNSTAIRS GOTTA GET MY BOWL GOTTA GET CEREAL!"
Zed rolled over and smacked the alarm off of the bedside table, breaking it and so shutting the god-awful sound off.
"Get up, you lazy fuckboy."
Zed groaned.
He heard Shen sashay into the room and stop, exhaling. "Bitch, if you don't get out bed I will cut you."
"I don't appreciate your abusive language."
He felt a metal object digging into his back and turned around in horror, "That better not be a dildo, you piece of shit."
"It's a spatula, dicknose."
"Oh."
"Get out of bed and you get bacon."
Zed darted from the bedroom, into the kitchen.
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"You shouldn't eat bacon naked."
Zed, in his haste for bacon, had neglected to get dressed, although of course he slept in his helmet like a freaking weirdo. He shrugged and smirked at his fellow ninja, "Ain't nothin' no how no way gonna keep me from my bacon, lover."
Shen gave him an unamused look, "Akali is visiting soon, you don't want her to see your junk, do you?"
"Eh, she's been there, done that."
Shen threw a pan at him and Zed fell off of his chair with a cry of; "Aw, ya freakin' racist!"
"That's not racist, it's called justice, you fuck."
"I feel it was actually an indication to your sexuality. The pan symbolises you, and you threw yourself at my naked form because I'm irres-"
"Finish that sentence, and I'll castrate you." Shen gave him a dead-panned look.
"... Irritating. I'm irritating."
"Good boy."
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"Have you ever... done the do?" Kennen asked.
Zed gave him an affronted look. He had no right to be offended by anything as he was still naked in the presence of their guests.
"Of course I've done the do. I'm irre-" At Shen's glare, Zed quietened and finished with, "irritating... I'm irritating."
Kennen snorted, "Sub booooooiiii."
"Shut. Up." Zed growled.
"Dude," Akali snorted. "Even when we were a thing, I was the one banging yo-"
Zed hissed at her.
She held her hands up in surrender. "Okay, jeez. Touchy-touchy. So emotional, are you pregnant?"
Time slowed down as Zed slowly came to the realisation that he hadn't received his monthly in...
"Oh, Gods..." He whispered, his jaw-slack (not that anyone could see that, behind his train-grill mask).
Akali gasped and Shen fainted. Kennen inhaled deeply in an attempt to stay calm and face-palmed before calmly saying, "Zed, you fucking moron," another deep, soothing breath, "You lack a uterus, a vagina, ovaries..."
Zed's confusion was evident. "So...?"
"You can't get pregnant, you stupid little bitch-ass-hoe. You can't even have periods."
Shen was instantly revived, "So I'm not a father?"
"No, you're not." Kennen was astounded at the stupidity humans. He was pretty sure yordles would some day rule the world because of the pure idiocy of some people.
Shen looked kind of sad, "Well, that's good I guess, Beheading seems to run in the family."
Akali raised an eyebrow, "Dude, that's a pretty fucked up thing to say."
Zed gave Akali a pointed look, "I think what's even more fucked up is the fact you talk like the stereotypical stoner in a horror film."
Kennen screamed.
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Thankfully, they weren't in a horror film, Kennen only screamed because he noticed Zed's Zac Efron poster.
"OH MY ZEFRON YOUUUUUUUU ACTUALLY AAAAAAGGHHHH!" He screeched.
Zed perked up, "YOU ACTUALLY AAAAAAGHHHHH?"
"YEEAAAAAAAH!" Kennen enthused.
"FRICKINNNNN YIIIIIIS SON!" Zed squealed.
"What." Akali's question wasn't even a question, it was a statement because fuck your grammar, but not your grandma.
"Zed is a massive Zefron fan," Shen explained. "I think it's the hair. This is just the way fangirls communicate - screaming incomprehensibly at each other."
"Oh. Ew." Akali observed.
"It's kind of weird, but at least it's not 1D... Zed went through this phase..."
Zed overheard Shen and stopped squealing. "Hey now, don't you even talk to me about Larry!"
Shen walked up to the nearest desk and head butted it furiously. Zed was used to this behaviour and so just continued screaching at Kennen.
"I THINK ZEFRON IS JUST SOO LLLLLWOOWOIWIAIALDALKSLKIOAD."
"I KNOW RIGHT?" Kennen whined loudly. "HE IS A GOD."
"HE'S MY HUSBANDOOOO," Zed sung.
Shen's head on the desk made a more melancholy sound and Zed could imagine him pouting.
"Don't worry, bae," He said in his most serious voice. "I'd marry you instead of him, any day."
"You kind of killed my Dad." Shen pointed out the main flaw in their relationship.
"Dude, it was a mistake." Zed pointed out his arguing point (because he has loads of blades so he's all pointy sooooo.)
"Saying 'dude' doesn't make it better."
"We can be like Voldemort and Harry, like Romeo and Juliet..." Zed's attempts at romance were pitiful at best and downright insulting at worst.
"Zed... Voldemort and Harry hated each other and weren't actually a thing, plus Romeo and Juliet were a pair of idiots that died."
"Oh yeah."
Shen sighed at his stupid Master of Shadows, "C'mere, doo-doo breath."
He stopped head-butting the desk and pulled the other ninja into him, crushing him in his arms.
"I'm naked." Zed stated.
"You're always naked."
"...Oh yeah."
"You silly goose." Shen smiled fondly, and pressed a gentle kiss to the forehead of Zed's helmet.