Carry On

As they drove away from Ed, Dean couldn't help but feel a sinking feeling in his chest, he knew what it felt like to have someone walk away from you. Sam had been running away since he was eighteen, and Dean always had it in the back of his mind that one day, he would wake up and he would be alone. But he wasn't innocent, he had also done his share of running away from Sam, he did it when he was scared, or hurt, mostly during the months leading up to Sam's jump into hell, when he wasn't sure which side Sam was going to stay on.

"Harry you okay?" Dean asked.

"Yeah… I mean… no…" Harry said. "You roll with a guy so many years you start to think he's always going to be next to you, like when you're old drinking on the porch, he'll be in that other rocking chair. Then something happens and you realize that other chairs gone… empty… you know what I mean?"

Dean swallowed, and glanced at Sam, but said nothing; he had no answer to Harry's question. He saw Sam sitting in the passenger seat, and thought back to all the times that spot had been empty, it created a hollowness in Dean because when Sam wasn't here, something just felt wrong, but Sam had always come back, he came back from school, and Amelia, he had come back from hell, and Dean didn't want to acknowledge that some day that spot may empty, and Sam may not come back. Sam cleared his throat beside Dean and turned slightly towards the back seat.

"I'm not sure it's that simple Harry…" Sam said.

"You are the one who told me I had to figure out if this was something I could forgive… and I can't…" Harry replied.

"I know… but sometimes it isn't about forgiving, it's about carrying on… even when it hurts." Harry scoffed.

"So I take it you always move on when someone screws you over?" Sam glanced at Dean.

"No, I usually run away, but that doesn't work either. Give it a few days and call him, at least give him a chance, or you will spend the rest of your life regretting it." Harry sighed.

"Yeah I'll think about it." Dean was trying to ignore the conversation, because it hurt to think that Sam was giving Harry this advice, but he barely talked to Dean anymore.

They dropped Harry off at the bus station and drove the next hour in silence, each in their own little world, Dean thought Sam had fallen asleep.

"Dean?" Sam said suddenly, causing Dean to jump.

"Jesus, what's up Sam?" Sam wouldn't meet Dean's eyes.

"Could you… will you pull over for a second?"

"Uh yeah… there is a spot up here hang on a sec." Dean pulled over into a small field, and Sam got out of the car and sat on the hood, after a few minutes Dean got out and joined him, they used to do this when they needed to talk, so Dean slid onto the hood beside Sam and waited, waited for Sam to say something.

"I didn't know if this was real Dean." Dean quirked an eyebrow at Sam, and then watched as Sam pushed on the scar on his hand. "I woke up in this dream in my head with Crowley telling me I had to remember, and I couldn't help but think, how the hell did I possibly forget again? How did I lose time again?"

"Sammy-"

"I'm still not sure this is real. For all I know the last two years have been nothing but something Lucifer made up in the cage." Dean sighed.

"Sammy, I thought we already talked about this… this is real."

"Yeah, but you were my stone number one, you asked me to believe in you, and then you lied to me."

"I had to, you were dying Sam."

"After all that has happened to us, you know the one thing that I know about that you have never had to understand? Possession. There was Meg and then Lucifer, and just when I thought it was all over, that it would never happen again, I found out I had been possessed by another angel. You don't understand what it feels like when you have no control over what your body is doing; yet you can feel every single second of it. I remember Lucifer breaking your bones, and I remember Gadreel killing Kevin. And at this point I'm not even sure if it worse if it is real, or if it is some kind of hell induced torture."

"I'm sorry Sammy… I didn't know that you will still struggling with all of that. I guess I just thought you were doing okay?" Sam finally met Dean's eyes.

"Are you okay Dean? Or do you still think about hell every single day?" Dean just sighed. "Yeah, that's what I thought… so what do we do here Dean? I can't forgive you, and I can't forget… but I don't want to run from this, this time…" Something released itself in Dean's chest, Sam wanted to stay, no matter how angry he was he still wanted to stay.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me Sammy, I know that I screwed up but I wasn't ready to lose you… you are not supposed to die before me and I can't let you, but I feel like I am losing you anyway. So what can I do to make you feel at least a little bit more comfortable around me? Cause I really miss my little brother man." Sam stood and faced Dean.

"I need you to be my stone number one again Dean… I need to know that this is real, and that I can trust you. So please don't lie to me again… I need my big brother back." Dean jumped off the hood of the car and pulled Sam into a hug, which Sam accepted.

"This is real Sammy, I promise, we got you out… you are here with me little brother." Sam sniffed and whispered into Dean's ear.

"Okay Dean… I believe you…" Sam and Dean pulled apart and climbed back into the car.

"So what now Sam?" Sam smiled tentatively.

"For now, we carry on…"