And why haven't I used this song just yet? I honestly forgot it existed... My bad! Shame on me, though, 'cause it's kind of perfect for Reyux, isn't it? Even if they aren't living in an Orwellian dystopia.
Also I hadn't expected this to be such a monster but here we are. This will be the longest of the epilogues, I swear, as it's setting a foundation for the other two. I guess in that sense it's kind of a necessary read? I apologize for that.
The Ties that Bind, the Ties that Break
Epilogue One: "Resistance"
"(It could be wrong, could be wrong) It could never last.
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) Must erase it fast.
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) But it could have been right.
(It could be wrong, could be) Love is our resistance."
—Muse
Hux was in binders, and Rey was being celebrated like a hero, despite the repeated attempts she took to vouch for him. Poe embraced her and lifted her, and her eyes were focused on Finn leading Hux into the Falcon. She should be happy, she knew that. But she could only give a half-hearted smile when Poe kissed her cheek. When he held her too tightly, it got uncomfortable. When Hux did it, somehow it felt right.
"You're a feisty one, you know that? We all knew the First Order couldn't take you down," he declared as he set her down. Her arms slid down his shoulders back to her sides. She didn't even realize she had been holding her breath until she let it out. This was real. Poe was really here, in all his handsome glory, and that was really BB-8 nudging her leg excitedly.
She reached down and gave her droid friend an awkward hug. Sure, he was a bit greasy, but she probably looked worse. He kept beeping that he missed her, that he was glad she was safe. It was all a flurry of hugs and kisses, from Poe, from Snap, from Luke, even, who was proud that she overcame so much to reach him. When he murmured just where they were in the galaxy, Rey's eyes widened. That far, from civilization? No wonder it'd taken so long for her novice skills to reach out to him.
But Finn… Finn hugged her with all the stiffness of a protocol droid, even though out of everyone here, Rey missed him the most. She thought he'd feel the same. She thought he'd have fought for finding her harder than anyone else in the Resistance. He felt warm, but his demeanor seemed cold, angry, even. And it then occurred to Rey that she might have not only ruined her defense for Hux, but maybe even her friendship with Finn, which she'd never taken into consideration. Finn probably knew Hux his whole life, had seen his ruthlessness in action. He'd seen a side Rey hadn't, just as she'd seen a softer, slightly kinder side. "Finn…" she started, but she wasn't sure what to say. She had a feeling nothing would sate him.
"I'm really glad you're alive and okay," he murmured. At least he hadn't stopped holding her yet. Rey couldn't let go—he was her best friend, and he was here, finally.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered. It was the only thing she could try. But it wasn't like she could deny her feelings for Hux, as strange and as much as they didn't make sense outside of the small bubble they'd made for themselves.
When Finn pulled away, he didn't even look at Rey. He just wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her into the Falcon. Chewie kept a very keen eye on Hux, until he was needed on the bridge to pilot, with Luke accompanying him. Was this what heartache felt like, Rey wondered. She hadn't remembered it much as a child. But she yearned for Finn to look at her the way he used to, and she knew she couldn't even be close to Hux, or sit beside him with Finn guarding him with a blaster pointed at his face. No one was here to comfort Rey, other than the blanket Chewie slung over her shoulders before takeoff.
All she could do was stare helplessly at Hux, who looked straight ahead, taking deep breaths so this wouldn't be any more difficult for him than it already was. She had to get Finn to talk to her more. "How long until we reach the Resistance Base?" she asked, to no one in particular.
"Three days at lightspeed, with a few pit stops, maybe less," Finn murmured, his eyes still on his former superior.
So long… Rey swallowed. She didn't like Finn giving her the cold shoulder, at all. "I'm sorry," she said. She wasn't sure if she was saying it to Finn, to Hux, to both of them, probably. She just wasn't sure what else to do, other than try and process it all—all the technology she was returning to, getting to know her friends again, when she changed so much, when they changed so much, seeing Hux so forlorn and dejected and silent. He barely nodded his head at her words.
Finn, however, was more direct. "How could you?" he accused, and Rey knew he just wasn't sure what to think about it, so he lashed out at her in anger. He had every right to be mad at her—and hopefully it didn't last too long.
"It was… I mean…" She didn't know how to explain it. "It happened. And I can't take it back." Nor did she want to, now that she thought about it. Or maybe she did, because she ached from seeing Hux like this. "I was going to keep it a secret, I swear."
"Stop, Rey," Finn cautioned. "Before I say something that I'm going to regret, and you won't forgive me for."
It was just a bit unfair. She wanted to connect with him again, and here he was, shunning her. Maybe when they made one of those stops, where it wasn't just the two of them, conversation would be easier. "I missed you so much," she confessed, hoping that would help.
Finn sighed, after a moment. "I did, too," he replied. "When the First Order captured you, I just… I didn't know what to do. I shut down there for a while. And when we heard about the missing shuttle… But I refused to believe you were gone. Most of us did. Poe, he… he helped me through a lot of it."
Rey was about to ask the first thing on her mind, but she decided not to. This was fine for now. "That's good." She stood, remembering how cold it could get on the ship. She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders tighter. "I think… I think I'm going to go rest for a bit. I'm exhausted." But of course her stomach rumbled. "And hungry. I haven't had a real meal in… I don't even know how long."
Despite being in binders, Hux reveled in the first pit stop, where buildings loomed and towered above them, and they could see ships pass every few moments. Even Rey was glad to hear other languages besides Basic on the tongues of others. Back to life, to civilization. And even though she felt so out of place, there was still this sense of relief she got, when she watched Poe and BB-8 fix their X-Wing, and Chewie did everything in his power to get Rey some decent food. Finn still kept an eye on Hux, thinking he would run away, but it seemed like Rey was the only one who knew that he'd pretty much given up, now that he'd been out of the First Order for so long. They wouldn't take him back, especially now that the temptation for the Resistance to keep him for whatever reason was so prominent.
"I can take over," she offered to Finn, just so he had a break. Why was he so insistent that Hux would be so conniving? Did he not notice how thin he was, how all the light in his eyes was diminished?
"So you can go off and gallivant one last time? No thanks."
Still cold, Rey noticed. But she pushed it anyway. "I'm not going to do that. You know how faithful I am to the Resistance."
"Really, Rey?" Finn actually raised his voice at her. She stepped back. "Because all I noticed, when I was so happy to see you safe, was you kissing one of the most ruthless beings in the galaxy. You don't even know him like I do! How the hell do you think that makes me feel?"
"Terrible, but can't you see that it's all very confusing to me, too?" Now Rey was shouting as well. "I didn't ask for any of this! You don't get to choose who you love!"
Rey gaped when she realized what she said. Everyone was staring at her. Sure, she'd said it to Hux when no one else could hear, but now she'd just confessed to her best friends and her mentor that she was in love with a general from the First Order. Hux looked like he wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. And yeah, Rey definitely wished that happened to her, too.
Just as Finn took a step toward her, Poe was right there, a hand on his chest. "Hey," he warned, looking deeply at Finn. They started talking in hushed voices, too quiet for either Rey or Hux to hear.
And that's when she… got it. Poe had been helping him through what happened, Finn had said. And the way they looked at each other was a lot like how Rey gazed at Hux, and vice versa.
They were together now. And Rey couldn't even be ecstatic about it because Finn was so angry with her.
Helpless, Rey could only step back, knowing she made it all worse. Her case to vouch for Hux was only getting weaker and weaker, and all she could do was stare at him with such helplessness, and he only met her gaze with bewilderment, unsure what to do.
BB-8 led Rey to Poe's X-Wing. "Let them cool down first. But this needs to be fixed before we go again," he advised, rolling away quickly.
Well, he was on the right path. Rey got to work when Poe tried to calm Finn down, and… it was almost like coming home, fixing the ship up. She could almost cry.
Luke didn't really talk to her until they were almost back. Save for sleeping, Finn kept his eye (and his blaster) on Hux, and for the most part, Rey was silent, embarrassed to open her mouth again for fear of something terrible being said aloud. They saw her kiss him, and that was bad enough, and then she had to say she loved him? Had he not been on constant watch, Rey knew she would have gotten a lecture from him. She made a stupid, childish, terrible mistake, among the many that had gotten her here in the first place. There was a plethora of things she wanted to say to Hux, but she couldn't say them without making Finn even madder at her. Would they ever get a private moment again, she wondered.
Rey sat on the bridge, comforted just by being there. Much as she would have loved to fly again, Luke was still co-piloting, finding it best that Rey ease herself back into it with routes she might know a bit better.
"I'm sorry." Rey looked down at her lap, fiddling with her fingers. Her thumb grazed over the scar Hux had given her, on her knuckles. "I know about the Jedi Code, but I let my feelings get the better of me, because I thought that would help hone in my skills." Maybe if she took the fall, Hux might still have a chance. "But know that he didn't manipulate me—in fact, I was the one who pushed it."
"No matter what, this was going to be a mess," Luke sighed, leaning back in his chair. "And with how few of us are left… honestly, I'm not against procreation, after…" He trailed off. Rey remembered her first vision in the Force, all those bodies, slaughtered by the Knights of Ren.
"It wasn't for procreation," Rey pointed out, now blushing. "But it was an infatuation, and then a romance, and I wasn't the Light of the Resistance, or 'the girl,' or a scavenger, or whatever everyone has been calling me, I was just… me. He didn't feel like a general of the First Order, and I didn't feel like a Jedi, and even though I wanted to come back, there was something so freeing about not having to worry about this war." It all came out in a rush, and even though it was terribly revealing, it felt so good to get that all in the open. "It was childish and stupid, though, to think there was some way it could work. It was never going to, and I went with it, anyway."
Chewie growled with sympathy, even if he didn't get it, and Luke stroked his beard, contemplating what Rey had just said.
"I sensed you'd been under stress—a war will do that to anyone. And I understand that you needed… time." Rey thought back to Luke's disappearance, when she was just a child. She again thought about those words, the way that voice, so similar to her own, talked about her first steps in such a gentle, kindly manner. She wondered why. "But responsibility always comes first. And if, for whatever reason, you still feel the need to defend and vouch for General Hux, then that's your prerogative."
"Master, with all due respect, the last thing you sound is confident."
Luke didn't say anything in return. That was all the answer Rey needed.
Poe, Chewie, and BB-8 didn't seem to hold much past Rey. Poe presented her with new clothes on their second stop, and Rey was surprised when he hugged her again when they were alone. She'd just bathed and changed, glad to be out of her old rags and in something fresh.
"You look like you just lost your best friend," he uttered, and she sighed, leaning completely into the embrace.
"Maybe I did." Realizing this made the tears fall again. It was like she couldn't stop crying, and she hated how emotional everything was making her. First Hux, with his uncertain future, then whatever she'd do about it to deal… she couldn't stand having Finn so angry at her, with Luke so distant. Who knew what would happen when she finally spoke to General Organa again? She'd probably be disappointed, as well.
"He just needs time to process this," Poe assured. He hadn't let go of her just yet, and she didn't want him to.
"I didn't do this to spite him, he must know that."
"Let's get you to bed. You keep looking for ways to blame yourself while still playing the victim. It's messy, and weird, and no one else is gonna understand whatever happened except the two of you. But you can't keep looking back like you could have done something different," he said, gently leading her over to their quarters for the night (a real bed! She might sleep forever). And Rey knew Poe was right. She needed to clear her head; she hadn't properly meditated or got a decent sleep since the rescue. There was no Hux to comfort her, no unfamiliar stars, no humid air. The room was kept at a steady, cool temperature, and Rey had to bundle herself up under the blankets just to get comfortable.
"You can leave, if you'd like," she told Poe, closing her eyes. He probably wanted to check in on Finn before turning in as well. "I'll be fine, really."
With a bit of reluctance, she heard Poe eventually leave, his feet hesitantly walking out the door. It took Rey quite a while to fall asleep, but when she did, she dreamed of a better time, where Hux held her in his arms and said he loved her back.
There was another homecoming when they returned to the Resistance base, but Rey could barely muster more than an exhausted smile as her friends and colleagues gathered to celebrate her resilience. She couldn't even act so happy when Leia gave her a reassuring hug, and she took her staff from her hands, grateful to have it again.
Immediately Hux was relegated to a holding cell. She hadn't spoken to him since being rescued, she realized, and it was strange, to be surrounded by all these familiar, distant voices, unable to really say what she wanted without being so harshly judged. All she could do was stare at Leia helplessly, knowing the Skywalker twins had been in communication this whole time, and the General probably now knew just what her relationship with Hux now actually entailed. All she could hope was that she could plead her case without the rest of the Resistance thinking this was all about her feelings.
"I'm sorry," she murmured. She sounded like a broken recording, with how often she'd been saying it.
"You've exhausted yourself of apologies, I can tell." Leia nodded briefly, pulling away. She took Rey's hands in her own and squeezed them gently. "So don't say it anymore unless you really need to. We'll discuss the difficult situation later. For now, we're all so happy to see you home."
"Not all of us," Rey sighed, glancing over at Finn, whose smile she desperately missed. He was still so forlorn, talking again in a hushed voice with Poe. She turned back to Leia, her eyes pleading. "Will you let me talk to him? I promise I have no ulterior motives—ultimately, my heart still belongs to the Resistance cause."
Leia contemplated, leading Rey aside from all the pomp and circumstance of her return. "Rey… you've never been in love until now, have you?"
She nodded. Just where was this going? "I was never interested in it until now. And I don't understand why it was awakened so strongly within me. But everyone is so quick to judge him, to judge me, even. We're so tied to our affiliations that we forget to see each other as people first."
"And that's valiant." Every time Leia smiled now, Rey noticed, it always seemed sadder and sadder. "But you're so young. Your first love might not always be your last."
Gaping, Rey didn't know what to say to that. Was Leia seriously suggesting, while Hux was still here, that Rey somehow move on from him? It wasn't like she was very interested in romance in the first place—it just happened, mostly because they'd spent so much time together alone. And she couldn't see herself with anyone else, now. "With all due respect, General, I don't want anyone else. Not now, not ever. And yes, I do know it's a childish sentiment, and that I've no real time left with him, but I'm not some heartbroken prize to eventually be won again."
Why would Leia talk about Hux like he was gone, even if he was just locked away in a cell? Unless… Rey stepped away from her. "It doesn't matter what I say to vouch for him, even if he's a huge reason why we were rescued in the first place," she sensed, starting to shake a bit. "You plan on using his execution as a public example to the rest of the First Order."
Leia still tried to console her. But all Rey wanted was to get out of there, to sit down, to not feel like her world was spinning out of control in one fell swoop. Leia's voice came out muffled, softened by Rey trying to focus on breathing deeply. "You don't understand, Rey, he's responsible for the deaths of billions. We can't allow him to go back there if there's a chance of that destruction hitting us again. It's a war."
Would you do the same to Kylo Ren? Your son? Rey almost asked, but held her tongue. She couldn't be here, not when people were celebrating, not when everyone had such terrible, mocking smiles gracing their faces. And while they were smiling over her return, she couldn't be here. "I-I have to go," she said shakily instead, quickly rushing past everyone.
She couldn't see him. He was set to die. It was likely all her fault. She shouldn't have kissed him…!
The only one following her at that point was BB-8, loyally as ever, despite how quickly she moved away. Despite not being back at base for quite a while, she still easily weaved the corridors to her quarters as if she'd never left. Rey's room was still neat as ever, and she couldn't even feel touched, when she was so distraught. Defeated, she slumped against her wall, tossing her staff across the room. She willed herself not to cry—she'd done it far too much over the past few days.
But when her friend nudged himself against Rey's side, she couldn't hold it in anymore, not with this new information about Hux's fate. She probably looked like a blubbering idiot—she certainly felt like one—but at least the only one around to witness this was BB-8, who wasn't seriously judging her like practically everyone else. "Be glad you can't cry like this," she said through her tears, leaning on him. "It's utterly exhausting."
Rey buried her face in between her knees so no one would notice how terrible he looked when she did cry. It was more embarrassing, than anything, letting all these emotions get to her. She wasn't weak, she told herself. Just far too overwhelmed with so much: returning home, Finn being so angry, Hux's ultimate fate. And the one person she wanted to talk to wouldn't be around for much longer. Now she was sure she'd never get another moment with him alone, without the Resistance having their suspicions about any other plans she might concoct.
"You'll live through this," BB-8 assured, beeping gently. "Maybe it'll just be a memory over time and won't hurt as much."
Rey could only hope her friend was right. There was only so much she could do in the meantime—might as well try to prepare herself for the painful aftermath.
When she wasn't integrating back into Resistance life, or training, or sparring with one of her friends, or utilizing her scavenger skills wherever anyone needed them, Rey tried to spend as much of her time as she could with Hux. The guards stationed by his cell may have always kept an eye on her, and there was a thick panel of glass in between them, but she had to take what she could get.
Leia had advised she not apologize anymore, but she couldn't stop when she first saw Hux. How he looked even more disheveled than when they were stranded on a distant planet was beyond Rey, but his uniform was even more frayed, and it was clear that the Resistance wasn't letting him keep to his usual grooming habits. Or maybe Rey had gazed at him far too often that she noticed even the slightest change with his appearance. Again, she willed the tears not to fall, even if she knew his hours were numbered. But unlike their temporary romance, where Rey could at least imagine that Hux would go on with his life afterward, here there was no escape.
"Tage, I'm so sorry," she whispered, pressing her forehead to the glass. It was as close as she could get to him.
"Don't cry," he ordered, trying to keep the edge in his voice, but even then there was a softness to it, quite possibly because they were seeing each other again. "You're stronger than that."
Rey shook her head, willing her tears to just not fall. But how could she be strong when…? "I want to go back," she declared. "I shouldn't have kissed you, shouldn't have said that I loved you… maybe it would have gone differently." She imagined some sort of future where they ran away together, started some strange, secluded life, and there was nothing to worry about. "This is like some living nightmare."
But he was surprisingly calm. "You can't possibly think I wasn't prepared for this outcome, do you? Duty to affiliation comes first now. There are no more breaks for us."
How could he say that? He had such little time, yet he faced his fate with such dignity. Rey remembered how the light had drained from his eyes. Had he really given up since the rescue? "Maybe… maybe there's still a way around this." She thought about the story Finn and Poe told, about how Finn had helped Poe escape the First Order. Could she really do that, though? Finn had so many reasons to turn his back on the people he'd grown up with. The Resistance, for the most part, had been very good to Rey.
"Don't you dare finish that thought," Hux scolded, pressing one of his hands against the glass. Immediately Rey tried to reach for it—how frustrating it was, that her palm met cool glass instead of his warm hand! "We'd never forgive ourselves if we walked away from all we stood for, for some imaginary utopia. I told you: there's no such thing as perfection. Quit trying to chase it."
Don't cry, Rey willed herself, much as she needed that relief. Was she sad because she wanted some sort of unrealistic future with Hux, or was it because deep down, she knew he was right? She thought about the first time she'd touched her lightsaber, how she'd tried to run from what Maz Kanata had called her fate, her inevitable future. She hadn't wanted anything to do with the Force, or this war—there was still a part of her that didn't want much to do with it. But she was Force sensitive, and there really wasn't any way to avoid her ties to every battle since. She and BB-8, then, seemed to be destined to meet, and she now knew she couldn't avoid her pull to the Light, to the Resistance. She couldn't avoid anything that came her way, not even what would happen to Hux. After contemplating it all, she just nodded, her head down.
"What do you need from me, then?" she offered, her hand on the glass slowly balling into a fist. "I want to be here for you, as much as I can."
She heard him sigh. Rey finally looked up at him, her brows creasing with worry. "I want you to start accepting my fate," he decided. "I'm going to die proudly affiliated to the First Order, and that's honorable enough. Nothing is going to change that. Anything else… well, I know you'll be here."
Rey couldn't help but give a bit of a smile at that, sad as it was. "I'll do whatever I can."
It wasn't quite "I love you," and she certainly wouldn't stop fighting for him, but with that, and with how the corner of Hux's lips curled up ever so slightly, Rey figured she could still hold on at least a bit of hope.
In the days before the set execution, Rey tried to do as Hux asked, and tried to think of life before this complication. After all, up until when she joined the Resistance she hadn't even really known he existed—even if he had changed so much in such a short amount of time. If she just focused on her goals, on what she and her friends had stood for (most of which being things in which she still believed)… maybe BB-8 was right. Maybe it would just become a memory.
She still continued to plead her case to Leia, even if it was pretty much a lost cause. The fact that the General still listened to her really helped, even if it didn't exactly sway her mind. While Rey knew a smuggler turned Rebellion fighter wasn't the same as a First Order General, Leia at least understood that, despite the strange attraction, something about their relationship seemed to work. At least, between the two of them.
Leia recalled when the Empire had tortured Han, and had used him as a tester in carbonite as a means of capturing Luke, and that she hadn't known in those final moments whether or not he'd survive the freezing process. Rey listened intently to the fear she'd felt, that it was the first time Leia had told Han she loved him, how she'd cried into Chewie's fur, the slight relief when he was still alive. Maybe Leia did have a good sense of what Rey was going through, which confused her as to why she went with this judgment. Of course, she had to ask.
"Because I spent an entire year worrying and planning," she answered. And yes, Rey knew of the rescue from Jabba the Hutt's palace. The Rebellion had wanted Han back. If Hux went back to the First Order, the only person who would miss him was Rey—and of course she'd be worrying the whole time. Still, she didn't want this for him. This wasn't some mercy killing for her sake; this was a Resistance move to show they showed no tolerance to those who believed in the First Order's ideals.
"You'll live through this," Leia assured, her eyes very kind, even if she was the one who helped advocate for Hux's execution. "You still have your whole life ahead of you—even if you don't fall in love again."
Rey nodded after a moment, knowing Leia was right. She still had whatever she was learning in her Force training (and she would always remember Hux helping her). She didn't need a significant other, she knew that. Up until now, she'd always thought she'd be content growing old with her friends, and that never bothered her. Hux told her to start accepting his fate, and face it, rather than run from it.
Easier said than done. At least everyone could understand that.
Of course, Rey was Hux's last request. She still couldn't have physical contact with him, but seeing him at least helped. However, it only meant she'd miss him all the more when he was gone.
Sometimes she would see Hux with BB-8 present. Her droid friend, though supportive of her, hurled insults at Hux whenever he could. Hux stayed silent, so BB-8 took it that the General couldn't understand him, and the insults continued, much as Rey tried to silence him so they could have a few moments together.
That was, until Hux raised a brow, not amused, at him. "My hair certainly isn't as orange as your accents, droid," he sneered, and that shut BB-8 up quickly. He hid behind Rey's leg.
Rey's eyes widened at this. "You never told me you understood any BB units."
Hux continued to scowl at her friend, not meeting Rey's gaze just yet. "It never came up, I supposed."
That was probably the last time she ever really smiled. But now, the night before the deed was done (and the sentence would be carried out quite early the following morning), it took all of Rey's strength to stand before Hux with her head held high, her eyes dry (for now). Whatever he wanted, she'd give. So far he hadn't requested anything except her presence, and maybe a story or two. Maybe to him, this might be enough.
What she wasn't expecting, though, was the actual final request. He said nothing. His stature was perfectly erect, perfectly rigid. But his eyes, finally with some of the bright green she'd fallen for, showed her some of that looming fear.
And she could feel that the fear wasn't because he was afraid to die. "Are you sure?" she asked, lifting her hand. After knowing about how much Hux dreaded others looking into his mind, now he wanted Rey to see his entire life story?
He nodded once, as if to show her just how sure he was. "I trust you to not tell anyone."
"O-of course." It just threw her off, really. And even if he hadn't exactly used that word, Rey had a feeling that would be the closest he'd get to saying it. She doubted he ever trusted anyone. "But if something gets too emotional, please stop me. You can always stop me."
"I know. But someone ought to know, who isn't Ren. I suppose that's one thing to which I'm looking forward: never dealing with him again."
Rey found the jab too grim to laugh, or even smile. In face, she had no idea what expression she should sport, other than completely uncertain. He knew exactly what he was getting into, except Rey certainly wasn't going to force her way into his head. She gave him another assuring nod and closed her eyes, concentrating. She remembered the clouded wall keeping her out in the beginning. But Hux slowly let her in when Rey coaxed her way through his mind, the memories fluid, changing, blurred. Still, she started to get a better picture of someone she'd struggled so hard to understand. Every emotion he'd ever experienced, she started to feel. And barely any memory was anything close to joyful.
Rey had never really known the feeling of standing out in the rain. She always figured it'd feel clean, like a shower. But to Hux, who'd been born on the rainy planet of Arkanis, rain was always cold, always sad. Its only solace to him was that it helped clear his mind when he needed even just a moment of escape. He must have been six at the time, after failing to prove himself the best in his class, his father so, so mad at him, and Hux didn't know why. He'd tried his best. He thought the rain helped, but all it did was lead to him getting sick from standing in it too long. The Commandant called him a "drenched disappointment."
The best of his earlier memories seemed to involve her. Her bright green eyes were the most striking part on her face, her skin almost translucent, her plump lips a pale pink. From the confines of her bun, sunshine gold ringlets threatened to spill out, and though she was rather thin, she wore her kitchen uniform well. Hux didn't know why his father's wife didn't like her very much—she always smiled at his father (but it looked like she was sad. Why was that?), and she was extra nice to Hux when the other cadets teased him for his bright hair and gawky frame, making sure he had extra treats, despite that being against the rules. But his father caught him sneaking the desserts under his uniform shirt, and he had to reveal where he got them.
He never saw her again after that. Maybe she wasn't as pretty as he remembered. But as a child, there was something about her that affected him so strongly. It wasn't until he was a teenager that he figured this mere servant was most likely his birth mother, his real mother.
All the insults in his life seemed to blur into one fluid montage. Cadets always called him a stick, his hair too orange, his scowl displeasing. They didn't really do much, other than show Hux that they were only jealous. They only insulted him because he did so much better than them in the academy, despite his size. That's what he told himself anyway, to keep from tearing up. Looking through his memories, Rey couldn't recall Hux ever crying.
His father always looked at Hux with disappointment, and at first he never understood why, when he was one of the best cadets. Rey felt that confusion, the way his heart ached for some sort of affection. When she first laid eyes on him, she never figured he even had a heart. There was so much he inherited from the Commandant: his hair, his rigid posture, his analytical nature, his need for perfection. Yet no matter what he did, he just couldn't be anything more than a mistake. Any words that came from his lips sounded like an elongated sigh, even at his most serious. Any approving nods or pats on the back assured Hux he was on the right track. He'd be the best damn cadet and take down the New Republic in the future, he vowed. That story was really starting to make a lot more sense to Rey.
The worst insults came from the Commandant's wife, however. Rey couldn't believe this woman's vehemence behind closed doors. Constantly she called Hux weak, made him feel as if he was nothing by making him call her "Madam" instead of "Mother," which he hadn't understood until he figured out the truth. "Useless" was another word she was prone to use, even when he performed his best. She was a blizzard in private; in front of his father she was still rather frosty. Rey knew it wasn't in her place to really defend Hux, but oh, the things she'd tell this woman about how wrong she was, even if he wasn't her flesh and blood. While she had every right to be angry at her husband, she shouldn't have taken her frustrations out on his child.
Then, just as things were going so well in his training, a huge blow. Literally. Rey felt that pain, that split second on the battleground where he just so happened to be distracted by his father's gaze, and the next thing he knew was a searing pain on his back, everything dark, the confusion when he woke alone in a medbay. Those scars that Rey had wanted to know so much about finally made sense as to why he never wanted her to touch them. All that pain, all those insults, all those ways he tried to be better than what they told him, contradicted by those long, red abominations permanently plastered to his back. They were much more red then than now, Rey noticed. And an injury like that had taken weeks to recover. He could never see himself redeemed, at least in his father's eyes.
In the eyes of the burgeoning First Order, however, Hux excelled. His father hadn't been around (of course) to see his accomplishments, from rapidly moving up in ranks, in helping plan his opus, Starkiller Base. If there was one good thing that helped from the way the Commandant and his wife had raised him, it certainly helped him be rather ruthless. Rey didn't distance herself away from all those innocent people he'd destroyed in the process. If she loved him, that meant accepting the good and the terrible, she knew. But the terrible certainly outweighed the good. More than once she considered pulling away, overwhelmed. Yes, he'd told her not to cry, but here, it was completely inevitable. And it wasn't entirely over him.
The memories then blurred into everything involving Kylo Ren, and even Rey empathized with that feeling of helplessness when he was held down, the feeling of sleeping paralysis mistaken for his... well, his ally, despite the fact that he acted much more like an enemy toward him. Rey finally understood how he'd been able to ward off Ren so easily, but it'd taken plenty of time and patience. His determination kept him going, Rey would give him that. And she felt all that pent up anger within him that he couldn't release without compromising his hard earned position as a General within the First Order, especially at his young age. No wonder he'd been so pleased to see that scar Rey had given him after their confrontation.
And finally, the thing she was most curious about: what he thought about her. Rey had a feeling Hux was a ruthless leader, and now she saw it. She had a feeling he hated Kylo Ren, but not to this extent, to where he really had no outlet to express himself. But when it came to her, Rey felt Hux was a blank state. Currently he was taking deep breaths, his eyes sure. He wanted her to continue, so she pressed on. How could he be so calm?
At first he saw her as a pest, taking down some of the best within the First Order at her terribly young age, and she sensed even more of that frustration as he shot her hand, if just to stop her momentarily. Oh, what satisfaction, to knock her out over her pretty little head and personally bind her to that interrogation chair.
And yes, he had been as annoyed with her as she suspected at first. Her voice was shrill, and she kept thinking she knew what she was doing when Hux was older. He was the sharpshooter, and had seen more planets than she certainly had. What made things worse was this damned broken arm, so of course he had to rely on her to survive.
What he hadn't expected was to like her (and even though Rey knew this, she still smiled, because he'd liked her even earlier than she'd liked him). She proved herself in the difficult environment, and she did it all while looking annoyingly gorgeous. But, he knew, she was the enemy. And she was far too young for him. He never cared about some sort of romance, especially knowing how it seemed to cause nothing but problems for his father. It would have all been so easy if she hadn't let it spill that she liked him back. Those first kisses had been nothing short of bliss—how could it possibly feel so good? And, in his mind, Rey had no idea he perceived her as so pretty, when she always thought she was plain. Or was that always how she looked? She really doubted that.
To him, everything was dangerous and he was just making the same mistakes his father made, from mingling with a girl who clearly wasn't right for him. The First Order wasn't going to forgive him for this, nor would they understand how he fell for the girl, of all people. He wasn't bewitched, or anything of the sort. After all, not many girls would try to bring him back from the beyond, or even find him, well, attractive. Even he hadn't known many others with hair such a vivid shade of red as his.
"Unconventionally handsome is the term I'm more prone to use." Rey wasn't sure how long they'd been at this. Maybe a few moments? But it felt like hours. She pressed on.
She couldn't help the smile that graced her face when she realized just how much pleasure she'd brought that first time. On both ends, everything had felt perfect, like they were in some bubble of bliss that couldn't be touched. It was nice to know that she'd helped him forget all those fears, those worries, just for a few moments. And, to him, her singing voice was something sweet, something almost otherworldly. Again, was that just his perception, or did she actually sound like that?
He liked when she stroked her fingers through his hair, and comforted him in a way that he hadn't known even existed. He'd always hated his first name, but Rey called him "Tage," and suddenly it wasn't as terrible. And there had been a sense of conflicting relief when she threw herself at him and kissed him so desperately at the rescue, probably sealing his doom. She should have been smarter about it, but he'd accepted it. He'd requested the firing squad without a hood, after all.
Rey finally backed out of Hux's head, trying to catch her breath. The tears she'd shed earlier had dried on her cheeks, but she doubted she looked anything like the pretty girl she'd seen in Hux's head. "How can you stand keeping all that emotion in?"
"You just lived my whole life in mere moments. I imagine it to be overwhelming." The last thing Hux looked was surprised, like nothing could faze him at this point. Rey supposed she'd feel the same, too, if she only had mere hours to live, and if she lived half the terrible life he did. She'd much rather have no family than Hux's father and his wife, she at least knew that now.
This certainly wasn't the first time she longed to kiss him again. "Why firing squad?" she asked, out of all the other things she could have wanted to know.
"It's more humane to die with my body in one piece and rather unmarred," he replied, perhaps a bit too relaxed. He gestured to himself. "Your Resistance did, however, allow me to groom myself one last time. I'll give them that."
"To die looking your best," Rey reasoned, nodding. "I'm sure you wanted nothing more if this was to be your fate."
"I die knowing at least someone cared. Though it'd be better if you cared about my accomplishments as well."
He was an excellent shot, she'd give him that. But even if she loved him, she couldn't bring herself to ever be proud of all those lives he'd taken, and she especially couldn't be proud of the joy he felt firing Starkiller Base for the first time. "You did say there's no such thing as perfection," she admitted.
"Yes, but you come pretty damn close, Rey."
Morning came far too soon. For perhaps a few moments, when she and Hux were talking about mundane topics, she forgot the inevitable, but as soon as she started to relax, Hux was being escorted out of his cell, and that panic set in. He'd asked her to start accepting what was going to happen to him, but as her heart pounded in her chest, her eyes already welling up, there was no way she was ready. She certainly wouldn't be ready!
She hadn't noticed Finn at her side until Hux was being escorted out of his cell, binders one again clapped against his wrists. Rey was about to lunge herself at him in some… well, she wasn't sure what she'd do, honestly. Kiss him in some last ditch attempt to be romantic? Look where that had gotten him! He pressed a strong arm around her, holding her back.
Rey noticed the blaster slung over his shoulder and stilled. "You're… you're part of the firing squad, aren't you?" Why was her voice so small all of a sudden?
Finn just nodded, at least having the decency to look solemn. Maybe he was finally starting to forgive her, after all the apologizing. But she was sure he got some sort of satisfaction, knowing he was taking his superior down. "General Organa's asked me to lead when she carries out the sentence."
She was too stunned to be angry. Finn did, she noticed, bring her up to Hux's side, and she tried to keep in step with him. He prevented her from reaching out to him, however, by taking hold of her hands. Hux's eyes were forward, as if trying to block out everything else.
"I love you," she called, wondering if he'd look over.
Say it back, she pleaded selfishly. At least Hux turned his head to meet her gaze, but he looked at her like she'd just made things that much more difficult for him. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. Please.
"Hux?" she tried, but he turned his head forward again. She felt Finn's hand squeeze hers tightly. "Hux!" Why had he shut himself down, without a last word to her? Those tears were damned close to spilling into something that certainly wouldn't be pretty. Keep it in, at least until he can't hear you anymore.
When Finn left to take his mark, squeezing her hands one last time, Chewie wrapped a furry arm around Rey, and BB-8 beeped slowly as he nudged her leg. To prevent herself from crying, she shook almost violently, knowing Chewie could hear her heartbeat, it was that loud. The entirety of the Resistance had come out to witness this, and Rey was sure there would be a celebration of some kind. But Chewie and BB-8 would be here for her. The Skywalker twins would offer wisdom to help her. Finn was starting to come around, probably thanks to Poe.
You're going to live through this. Rey repeated this over and over in her head as everyone took their mark, from the firing squad led by Finn, to Hux facing down their blasters with his head held high, to Leia reading out his sentence to justify it all.
"Does the prisoner have any final words before sentence is carried out?" Leia asked, her voice even. Despite this being a victory for the Resistance, she at least had the decency to look grave.
Rey's breath caught, time slowing when Hux fixed his gaze on her, addressing her a final time.
"Rey… little minx. You've absolutely ruined me, love."
"I know," she murmured, even if he couldn't hear her. Damn it, she promised him that he wouldn't see her cry again, and she'd completely broken it. The blasters fired.
"I know…."
This is the worst of it, I swear. But I couldn't get this ending out of my head. It'll only go up from here.
Here's to epilogues two and three being considerably shorter.