Until 30 Rock gets its own category I guess I'm stuck posting this one here. This is my first ever 30 Rock fic... so please keep that in mind.
Wrestling a Polar Bear
Jack Donaghy did not often ask for help, nor did he often admit weakness. This was not because he was afraid to do these things, it was simply that it had never been an issue before. He did not have any weaknesses that he could think of and there had never been anything else he hadn't been able to accomplish by himself.
But this was a special circumstance.
"I need your help dealing with this Lemon situation," Jack admitted.
Tracy tensed up noticeably. "Donaghy... you're not going to have Liz Lemon killed, are you?"
"No," Jack barked back.
"Because I don't think I'm okay with that..." Tracy trailed.
"I'm not going to kill Lemon," Jack reiterated.
"...But I think I know a guy," Tracy continued, a bit more quietly.
"Tracy, I am a high-ranking GE executive, if I wanted someone dead there are nine different services waiting for me on my speed dial..." Jack paused, realizing perhaps he had said too much. "...Not that I've ever had to use any for them."
"Of course not," Tracy agreed readily.
Obviously those same vast resources he could draw upon to have Lemon disappear completely could also provide him with much more solid source of advice than Tracy, a man who listed insanity among his professional assets; but they were all loyal to GE first, and showing anything resembling human emotion around them would only be used against him in the future.
Tracy didn't think like that.
"The point is," Jack said, quickly swerving himself back onto slightly less dangerous footing, "the Mentor-Student relationship is sacred. Did Jack Welch ever try to seduce me?"
It took Jack a few seconds before he realized Tracy was looking at him expectantly.
"No, Tracy, he didn't," Jack said, although Tracy didn't seem convinced. "I just need to put her out my head," Jack said mostly to himself.
Now Tracy adopted a serious tone, which took Jack completely aback. "Jack, how many women have you been with?"
"I lost count a few weeks after Bianca and I first separated," Jack admitted.
"Uh-huh," Tracy coughed. "And how many of those women did you love?"
Then it was as if a light-switch went off behind Jack's eyes, illuminating deep into his mind-grapes. "Tracy Jordan, you're a genius."
"Of course I am," Tracy replied modestly. "Now, how would you like some of these brownies Dot Com made? They've got little M & Ms baked right in..."
Jack smiled wolfishly. "I think we both know the answer to that question."
----
Liz opened the door to the vast silent office and made her way in as slowly as she could and still be said to be motile. "You wanted to see me, Jack?"
Jack gestured for her to approach his desk. As she got closer, she realized he was eating a rather large steak. "A gift from a friend in Omaha," he explained. "Would you like some?"
She shook her head. "No... thank you, Jack."
He finally set down his fork down and looked up at her. "I'm sure you know what this is about, Lemon."
From the moment she met him, Liz picked Jack out as one of those guys who spent his childhood trying to be Batman. The difference between him and all the others she'd known was that he'd succeeded.
"The sketch?" she asked, wincing. The sketch had been Frank and Josh's baby, which in itself couldn't possibly be a good thing.
He nodded. "Lemon, even you should have known that Standards and Practices wouldn't let you get away with it."
It seemed that Jack never tired of pointing out her flaws (real or imaginary) to her, even when he was trying to compliment her. Especially when he was trying to compliment her.
Still, she reasoned, he was probably the most stable, sane man in her life right now.
Oh god, she thought, I think I'm going to be sick.
Liz nodded. "It's just that my writers were very proud of that one..."
Jack looked at her seriously. "Lemon, you have to be able to stand up to these people."
She nodded. The funny thing was, she knew that if she didn't stop the sketch early on, it might end up with her in Jack's office and she let it happen anyway.
"You have to be their leader," he emphasized, "and if they try to fight you on something like that..."
"I know," she said, "I introduce them to the Beauty" she raised her left fist "and the Beast" she raised her right fist.
He smiled. "Nice fist names," he said with real pride.
"Thank you," she blushed.
"Although I'm not sure that the Beast is any worse than the Beauty," he said casually.
And there was the Jack she knew again.
"Jack, if you don't like the sketch..." she trailed off, not sure what else to say.
"I thought it was hilarious," Jack admitted, "but you just can't do that with Michelango's David, Lemon..."
Liz could could count on one hand the amount of times Jack had something nice to say about her show and even then it was usually something he had initiated. "I'll write something else."
He nodded, then stopped for a second to look at her. Really look at her, and she could feel herself tensing up.
After what felt like hours of drinking her in, Jack finally spoke again.
"How did you get your scar?" he rasped softly.
Liz was understandably taken aback. She tried to dodge this subject; it wasn't the type of thing she like to talk to anyone about and she definitely wanted to keep the amount of personal information Jack had limited. "You mean there's something about me your research can't tell you?" she joked nervously.
Jack pursed his lips as though he'd just tasted something sour. "Lemon, marketing is a powerful tool, but it can't read people's souls," he said as though he were speaking to a two-year-old with severe mental retardation.
Liz was surprised by how much his tone didn't shock or offend her. Dear God, she was getting used to him. "I'm sorry... it's just kind of embarrassing," she admitted.
Jack reacted as though this were obvious. "I assumed as much since it involved you."
And just like that, their roles were back to normal and Liz suddenly felt the need to be very far away from Jack. "I should really get to work on that new sketch."
And just then, as she was getting ready to leave, something in Jack's expression changed. "Lemon, wait."
She sensed the change and lowered her defenses for a second. "What?"
He reached his hand across to touch hers. "I need you to do something for me."
She didn't dare ask him what he needed out loud, too afraid of both what he might ask of her and the horrible possibility that she might agree to it. Instead she responded the only way she knew how: by breathing as little as humanly possible.
"Lemon..." he said after several eternities, "...I need you to call poison control." That's what was different about Jack, he was slowly turning green. "There was something seriously wrong with that steak."
"Right... of course," Liz agreed, snapping out of her haze.
"Have Jonathan call an ambulance," he gasped. "He'll know the number of the good hospital," he explained.
"Right," Liz practically pounded out the door, so eager to put yet another mistake behind her she didn't even have the forethought to ask just what was so much better about this secret "good" hospital, anyway. "I'm not it."
She was halfway out the door when he called back to her. "And Lemon..."
And again her stomach did that little thing that made her wonder if maybe she wasn't the one with violent food-poisoning. "Yeah?"
He took a breath that was clearly fairly painful for him, then finally mustered up the strength to speak "Please..." he paused again and Liz found herself holding her breath along with him. "...Don't let me eat meat again."
"What?"
He shook his head in disgust. "First your staff and now me... From now on, this company is strictly vegetarian."
Liz nodded and finally made her way through the door. She wondered how long she should let him suffer before calling Dr. Spaceman.
------
The next day, when Jack was feeling significantly better, he returned to Tracy's dressing room with his shoulders slumped.
"I've swum the English Channel, I've fought polar bears..." he fumed. "Why can't I do this?"
"It's not over yet, Jack," Tracy assured him, "I bet you didn't sleep with that Welsh guy the first time you tried, either."
"I never had to accept defeat before, Tracy" Jack growled, "and I'm not about to now."
Tracy brightened at this. "That's the spirit, Jack! With me in your corner, Liz Lemon is as good as handcuffed to your futon!"
"Absolutely, Mr. Donaghy," Kenneth chirped. "With us on your side, you can't go wrong."
Tracy nodded. "With me and Kenneth as your entourage, you can fight a whole herd of polar bears, pandas, Martians... every teddy bear you can think of, Jack!"
Jack wondered briefly if it would be easier have himself assassinated now.