Invisibility
Archive – Take it; it's yours (just tell me where it will end up).
Category – Angst, Romance
Rating – PG-13
Warnings – NONE (if angst doesn't count)
Summary – The eternal struggle within Ennis continued, even when Jack was with him.
Feedback – Greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer – Any money-wise profitable aspects in regard to this movie certainly are not affiliated with me.
Author's Note – I see happy fics. Therefore I posted this one. Hope you guys won't hate me. There is a fair chance that I might add some additional scenes to this story.
He could not understand it.
Ennis lay back in the bed roll and blankly stared upwards, not sure what he was feeling when he heard the even rhythm of breathing beside him – whether it was happiness, appreciation or plain fear and chilliness.
Shadowed by his self-loathing forged by his past, Ennis Del Mar's joy and contentment was always combined with the reactions from his darker half. Like now, like whenever he was having his "fishing trips", watching the silent form peacefully lying by his side. It was his curse, or maybe his defense - Ennis didn't know. Perhaps his subtle disgust in what he was doing was the only way that he could prevent himself from thoroughly becoming what he was taught to abhor.
He was sickened by the way he was thinking – it not only denied the feelings that he instinctively valued most in his life but also disgraced Jack, the person who had utterly devoted himself to Ennis. But that string of thoughts had followed him since their first encounter on Brokeback…and it totally fit the social conventions he lived in. Jack had asked the right question: What was he going to do?
He glanced through the small tent, as if looking for an answer, and finally rested his eyes on the man sleeping beside him. Jack was facing away from him – one of the many rules Ennis declared and Jack had obeyed unquestioningly but reluctantly – so that they could not feel each other's face when falling asleep. Lucky me, Ennis thought – there was a good chance that Jack might not be able to sense Ennis' thoughts through his facial expressions. Jack was too perceptive and could understand Ennis way before Ennis ever came to understand himself. Ennis trembled; how a person could be so smart and yet so damn stupid at the same point was beyond him. Had Jack not known, when Ennis expressed his worries of people finding out what they were, that their thing was wrong everywhere that they could possibly go? Had Jack not known, when Ennis informed him of his divorce with Alma, that it was nothing more than a mere piece of "extra info"? Had Jack not known, when he touched Ennis' arm and then pulled him into the tent that night, that they were creating something that would be forever condemned by the society?
Sometimes Ennis envied Jack; being a foolish airhead was clearly much easier than being a person who had full knowledge of how wrong what they had was. How could he get away with worrying and keep hoping the prospect of a life together, so easily and effortlessly?
He looked at Jack again, first accusingly, then felt the aura of melancholy around the sleeping man. Regrets and the desire to protect the perfect being beside him took over Ennis temporally. He carefully wrapped his arms around Jack's waist and pulled him close to his chest. As if subconsciously, Jack snuggled closer and pressed himself to Ennis, seeking Ennis' heartbeat and taking his hands into his own. Ennis shuddered at the touch of bare skin, and suddenly became bitter again.
Jack fuckin' Twist. Ennis thought angrily, it is his fault. It was his fault. He must have known that Ennis would never had lived down that kiss Jack had given him the other night; he must have known that Ennis would never had the heart to neglect that postcard after four years of separation; he must have known that when he pleaded to have a life with him by that camp fire, Ennis would of course concede to meet every once in a while and thereby destroy their otherwise peaceful and respected lives. Ennis failed to notice that the regularity in Jack's breathing had already vanished.
Use me like that. Ennis accused mentally, unconsciously tightening his arms, he used them things he know about me against me. He must have known how to end this thing and let Ennis be, then why didn't he?
The figure in his arms did not move; Ennis wasn't certain whether he was awake or not, but he nonetheless put his mouth near Jack's ear and spoke in a low voice, "Ever considered stop this, Jack?"
There was a prolonged silence; it would have seemed that Jack was still soundly asleep, but Ennis felt that the body he was holding tensed. He waited for an answer, but after a maddeningly long moment, all he got back was a weary whisper with faked drowsy composure, "Go back to sleep, Ennis."
Ennis sighed; he hated it when Jack talked like this. It could decisively make Ennis feel guilty, because it was clear that Jack was holding back the hurt Ennis had caused in him. He held Jack for some more time, and when he felt Jack's body relaxed, he loosened the hug and turned away from Jack's back.
Jack was grateful to the legitimate excuse for facing away from Ennis. Stinging tears were running down his cheeks, and he tried hard not to sniff or Ennis would notice. He does not know. Jack cried in his heart, he does not know I love him. Never. Not even now.
Contrary to his optimistic exterior, inside Jack had already let go of the hope for a life with Ennis. How could he go on lying to himself and secretly endorsing that unrealistic thought? Ennis wouldn't even want to feel or know that it was Jack that he was having that kind of feelings for, not even after meeting periodically for more than a decade. Then why continue? Why stay this way even though it had become apparent that there would be no prospect in their relationship? Why have both him and Ennis suffering and wanting something they knew they could never get? Jack had always been compelled to keep their bond alive, even on such a lowly level – much like a person who desperately wished the shrinking candle to be burning just to have at least one dim shred of light to send the darkness away, but Jack did not know how long the flame could last before its inevitable death.
There was a long night before, enough time to let Jack grieve before the sunlight hit the hill, but Jack knew he shouldn't be feeding their precious time to meaningless sorrow that could cause nothing to change. But Jack could not help it; tears kept coming out, wetting the pillow that he had buried his face in – even though he had successfully shut the world outside them, he was helpless against its destructive and permanent effect. Jack had silently accepted Ennis' anger and resentment long ago.
Author's Final Note – I confess that what I had written about Ennis was indeed what I think Ledger's Ennis has been thinking/feeling throughout their affair, especially towards the end of the movie when both Jack and he have aged. And, yes, Jack's only vocal line does contain more than one layer of meaning here.