Ok, I'm kind of aware that the couplings in this ficclet look like some sort of mathematical equation (you just can't seem to get away from the stuff, even if you've dropped the damn subject) but you'll have to bear with me, it's kinda hard to write out how it's supposed to be.

This is a Kai x Rei x Yuuri x Boris.

Eheh --;;;

Let me simplify that somewhat. It's Kai x Rei, Rei x Yuuri, and Yuuri x Boris. Confused? Don't worry you're not the only one.

This is all told from our dear, and oh-so-adorable, Yuuri-kins point of view, and is dedicated to Jas. Enjoy.

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Love.

It is such a difficult emotion to explain, and, if possible, the hardest. Yet, it is the one that rules our existence and depicts such decisions that could affect the rest of our lives. Love was the reason I was so happy, and yet, at the same time, was the reason I was suffering so much heartache. That is the most difficult thing about love, it can be pain laced with pleasure, and pleasure laced with pain.

Let me start before the beginning, for the beginning is not important for now. The foundation of friendship, upon which love is built, is established before the beginning. Deep friendships are those that are tricky to fathom, because how do you know when that friendship ends, and love begins. When you are so familiar with the proximity of people you love platonically (or so you believe), how can you ever know when you love them in a different way?

The answer is that you don't.

At least that is true, until the point that something clicks inside of you, and all of a sudden, it is so obvious that you wonder why you had not realised it before. You curse yourself for being so stupid as to not notice what is right in front of your own two eyes.

I had loved Boris long before I told him so, for I had been too blind to realise I had. Some may call that stupidity, naivety, or denial, yet, I would not go so far as to call it any of those. How can you be either, if you do not recognize what is there?

Up until this moment, I believed with all my heart that the only person I ever could, and would love, was Boris, but sometimes you can have selective sight concerning love more than once. So, it's not a case of learning from your mistakes when it comes to this complex emotion. With love, it will always be trial and error.

My friendship with Boris had been built in the Abbey, long before my one with Kai, and later Rei. Boris was, in honesty, my first true friend, so it would seem only normal that I would feel more towards him than just friendship, given time. Through the hard times, our friendship stood, even if our love wavered, and I suppose that was what kept us strong. If our friendship had never been there, our relationship would have been doomed before it had even begun.

I had still been in a fragile state of being a year after the World Championships, concerning everything that had happened in the Abbey. When you are there, you take it as being normal, because you are young and you don't know any better. It's the only life you have, and it's the only life everyone around you has, so you would never question it. Yet, when you escape what you have always known, and realise that normality is not what you always believed, it shocks you. It shocks you, like a small child would be after finding out that their greatest belief had never been true.

It was around the year anniversary that Boris left on a holiday, backpacking around different countries that he had always wanted to visit. I didn't go with him. I would have lost interest and spoiled it for him - it was his dream, not mine - so I declined his touching offer to take me.

So Kai went with him.

I could not believe it at first. Kai had decided he needed a break, and had left Rei by himself in their small apartment they shared, not too far from Kinomiya's dojo. I was not jealous that Kai and Boris were going on holiday together; they had never felt anything for each other (they both made that quite clear on numerous occasions), and neither was Rei.

For the eight months that our lovers were away, we lived together. By the end of that time, we knew near everything about the other; favourite colours, foods, and drinks, you name it, we knew it. For that time, I knew nothing but Rei. It was almost as though Boris and I had never been together, and that it had always been Rei and I. Though nothing had happened on a sexual level during the time we had been together, I did feel a strong pull towards the younger male. I brushed it off as the love of a family member. I realise, now, it was more than that.

When Boris returned, I was happy in a way that I had never been during my time with Rei. I could see that same feeling reflected in the golden orbs of my neko-jin brother, as he and Kai kissed for the first time in the months that they had been apart. That was my first pang of pain.

A year later, my relationship with Boris was still as strong, yet my feelings for Rei had increased. It was becoming more and more difficult to pass it off as brotherly love. It took an accident at Christmas for it to hit me full on, and for me to accept it.

I kept explaining to Boris that it was just a kiss.

That strained us, yet as always, we pulled through. After all, we had been under mistletoe, so it was only natural that we participated in the age-old tradition of sharing a kiss. The way that the kiss got deep was something that baffled me, even to this day.

That was the beginning.

I started going out of my way to arrange to meet Rei, alone. I would take him to the cinema, to clubs, and shopping; I would take him anywhere, but it was always the two of us. I think at this point, Rei knew what was happening between us, but he never stopped it. I took that as confirmation that he felt the same.

I was wrong. Rei would never even dream of cheating on Kai, and I should have known better, but when did I ever think so logically? Well, I thought logically about most things, yet love always seemed to elude that part of my brain.

I smiled across the table, towards the raven haired angel, and watched as Kai wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Pang. There was the pain again, but I have become so accustomed to it, it's almost as though it is no longer there. Yet it always will be, no matter what I tell myself.

"Yuuri-ni?"

I nod my head, eyes focused upon only him. "Yes, little one?"

"You ok?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, contemplating the question. "Yes Rei, I'm great."

And so, my lie continued…

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coughs Yeah… don't look at me like that… --;;;;

I know, it's not my usual thing, but a little conversation with my Yami (and another a few days later with Jas) and this is what you get. I didn't think I'd post this, but, after it being beta-ed, I decided what the hell.

Review if you want!