The Diary
By Lady of Spain
written in sponsorship by TayJayFan who surprisingly also offered to be my beta. Thanks, TayJay.
Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight
She watched in amazement, as plate after plate of food was devoured. "Holy cow, Jake! Are you ever going to stop eating?"
Patting his midsection, the wolf boy answered, "Sure, sure, as soon as my stomach gets full."
He never ceased to amuse her. "Anyone would think you were an oversized Hobbit."
With raised eyebrows, he shot back, "I wouldn't mind hangin' around Bilbo's pantry."
Those cute little chocolate circles rolled in their sockets. "No, but I think he'd mind. His pantry would be bare in no time."
She pulled on his arms. "C'mon—school tomorrow—I've gotta get you home."
"Jeez, you're gonna stunt my growth. I'll never grow up to be big and strong if I don't get enough food."
"Too late for that," Charlie said with a laugh.
"Okay, just one more potato."
Her dad took a quarter out of his pocket, and joked. "I'll flip you for it."
Jacob's fork whipped out suddenly, spearing it off the serving dish. "Too late, Charlie. Ya snooze, ya lose."
The last potato was downed in a couple of bites; landing in a lump into that bottomless pit he called his stomach. Bella began tugging at his arm a bit more urgently; Jacob resisted her efforts.
"Wait—I think I spotted a bean that fell off my plate."
As Bella dragged him toward the front door, Charlie shook his head and muttered, "Where does he put it all. I'd hate to pay his grocery bill."
Jacob drove the old rust bucket—aka Bella's Chevy—to his home in La Push. He was spinning her a tale about Quil's recent exploits. "I think Mr. Suave has three girls dancing on a string right now."
Bella quirked an eyebrow, "And ... does that make him more irresistible than you?"
"Ouch, that was mean," he pouted.
She bumped his shoulder and tousled the jungle of black hair atop his head. "You know I didn't mean it. Quil doesn't even come close to the irresistibleness of you."
A smirk played over his lips. "All right then, that's more like it."
She stared at her best friend as he threw back his head. The laughter broke from his chest, filling the cab. That boy was irresistible. Her Jacob was so darn cute, and strong, and built like a brick wall. Add in the fact that he was also charming, honest, loyal, selfless, responsible and sweet—yup, the sum amounted to absolutely irresistible. So, what was the problem here? Why did she think she couldn't love him as much as she loved Edward? It was a mystery that she couldn't solve.
Hanging out with him was always exciting, whether they were walking on the beach or tinkering in the garage. He kept life interesting. Smiling was the order of the day when he was around; she couldn't help it. He was sunshine personified; her black haired Apollo.
They pulled up to the little red house, and Jacob hopped down from the cab, helping her out as well. He encased her in one of his bone-crushing hugs—hugs that made her feel safe and loved.
"See ya, tomorrow, Bells," he said as he backed slowly away, letting her get into the driver's seat.
Bella waved from the truck, and started down the road. Yes, she'd see him tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. She had to; his love for her was like oxygen to her soul. These days with her BFF made her heart sing, but unfortunately, things began to change.
Edward seemed to be getting more serious about her, since she and Alice rescued him from Italy, but he also got more protective. Okay, so he was becoming more controlling. She was forced to spend less time with Jacob, and it was wearing on her.
One night while she was lying in bed, asleep, she woke with a start, feeling a presence in her room. Opening her eyes, she looked up, expecting to see Edward standing there. Instead, she was looking at her mirror image ... sort of. The female was obviously a vampire with golden eyes, porcelain skin, and graceful movement. It was herself, but like a photograph that had been touched up.
The figure moved toward the head of the bed with a book in her hand. She began to speak, but the voice was all wrong. Sure, it was Bella's voice—only more musical, more pleasant to the ear.
Bella sat up in her bed, now alert.
The girl easily read Bella's mind. "I know this is going to sound strange, but yes, I am your future self. The future you."
This was crazy. She must be still asleep. "How did you get in here? I mean ... gosh, I don't know what I mean."
"That's perfectly understandable. I don't understand it myself. Just know that time travel will be possible two hundred years from now."
This conversation was getting weirder by the minute. Bella blinked; maybe her future self would disappear. Nope, she was now sitting on her bed beside her. "Two hundred years?"
"Yes, give or take a few years, but never mind that. I came here specifically to warn you."
Holy cow, her speech sounded so much like Edward.
"Warn me? About what? Victoria is finished. Wait ... oh God, are the Volturi on their way?"
"No, nothing like that. This is a matter of the heart."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean—on June the 5th, Edward is going to propose. By August, you'll be Mrs. Edward Cullen."
"Whaaat? But I'm not ready to be married yet."
"Even so, you will say, yes. I'm here to tell you it will be the biggest mistake of your eternal life.
"I realize that all this is a bit overwhelming. If I were you ..." She began to laugh. "What am I saying? I am you. But as I was saying, if I were you I wouldn't believe me either.
She stood up, like she was getting ready to leave. "I need to go, Edward doesn't know I slipped time and came back here, so I will leave you my journal, and you can see for yourself why you should avoid marrying him. Some of my thoughts and memories are interactive. You'll see an icon at the bottom of those pages. There's a key in the pocket of the inside cover. If you insert the key into an icon, a hologram will appear. Essentially, you'll be able to see through my eyes, everything that occurred that changed my mind. Again, I can't explain how my memories can be visualized, and heard by someone else. Just the same, it is true.
"One more thing before I leave—Jacob Black never imprinted, and he never did get over you. I admit, that even after all these years, I can't let go of him either. Goodbye now, and please, heed my advice; your happiness depends on it."
The alarm went off the next morning, same as usual. Whew! Saved by the bell. What a freaky dream. Bella bolted off the mattress. Ah ... another day to conquer. She immediately began making up one side of the bed, but when she walked over to the other side, she tripped. Luckily, the edge of the bed caught her fall. Dog gone it! Was she ever going to grow out of her klutziness? Geesh, the only person on the entire planet that could trip over nothing was Bella Swan. And boy, did she ever have plenty of practice.
She turned to look behind her. There on the floor, lay a-leather bound journal. It was personalized with her name engraved on the right front corner. It read: Isabella Marie Cullen in fine gold lettering. What the ...? A sense of uneasiness pulsed through her.
Bella sunk onto the mattress in disbelief. Holy cow, did she really have a visitor from the future—a visit from herself? It was too much to wrap her head around. It was a mind-boggling concept.
She sat there dazed for a minute; convinced that her brain was indeed awake, she leaned over, retrieving the book. Her fingers traced the inscription on the cover, then she shook her head and walking to the closet, placed it on her top shelf. Reason overruled her curiosity; she had to get breakfast and dash off to school. It would remain in her closet untouched, until she returned from Forks High that afternoon.
That dang diary hung on her mind like an ugly barnacle for the whole day. She was ready to launch out of her seat the second the last bell rang, anxious to see what marvels the book held. Plus—she had to wonder what happened that would make her regret marrying Edward. He was the love of her life, or at least she thought so. Bella couldn't imagine living without him. Sure, she was too young to consider it now, but she would marry him someday. Wouldn't she?
It was unnerving to read the words on the pages. They were written in her own hand, for Pete's sake. The first entries described the emotions she experienced at her wedding:
I was shaking so bad. Did I really want to do this? Dad was in tears, not looking a bit happy. His actions mirrored what was happening inside of me. The butterflies were careening off the walls of my stomach. Oh God, please don't let me vomit. Luckily, my nerves evaporated as soon as I beheld my handsome groom waiting for me at the end of the petal strewn path to the altar. Looking into his golden eyes as he took my hand in his, I calmed immediately.
After repeating our vows, I peered out at the audience hoping to see my best friend sitting in one of the seats. My heart ached to catch just a glimpse of him. He was noticeably absent, not that I blamed him. I guess witnessing me marrying "the leech" was just too much for my wolf boy.
What should have been the happiest occasion of my life was marred by Jacob's absence. But then when he showed up at the reception, I was bursting with joy.
Bella stopped there, and just as she was told, removed the key from the front cover of the book, along with an envelope containing the directions. The key was actually a flat metal infinity symbol, deeply embossed on a black enameled circular background. The edges were also embossed, and in the same silver colored metal. On the back of the object was a handle, and so with a thumb and forefinger, she aligned it along the grooves of the icon, as the instructions indicated. The symbol began to glow and became warm to the touch. After rotating it a quarter turn clockwise a futuristic type of hologram exploded into the room, life-sized and in living color. Her head snapped in surprise; this was not at all like the message Princess Leah sent to Obi Wan. She nearly fell backward on the bed.
Oh my gosh, Bella could actually see them as they danced, and feel Jacob's warm arms around her, and his heartbeat coming through his shirt as he pressed closer. Somehow, she could sense his emotions as well. His feelings of love washed over her, but they soon turned to the panic he felt, when she told him, "I can have a real honeymoon if I want to."
Fear, anger, and absolute horror coursed through him. "Bella, no ... what are you thinking? He'll kill you. Why can't you understand that?"
"He's my husband. Why can't you understand that? Anyway, this is none of your business."
She could see him beginning to vibrate before her eyes, as he shouted, "I'll kill him. I swear to God, I'll kill him!"
His pack brothers came out of nowhere, restraining him, and hauling him off into the woods, as he continued to scream obscenities in anger, and anxiety over her safety. Edward dragged her away from the scene as well. Her heart was broken. How could she enjoy this special day when she was aware of the misery she had caused her Jacob.
Edward and Bella drove out to the airport, and on the way, she cringed as she heard the plaintive cries of her russet wolf, mourning her death.
Her pulse pounded away in her arteries, and her breathing was coming in gasps. Bella lifted the key from the icon, and covered her ears. Jacob's howls were still ringing in them. She wanted to hide under her blankets, cowering, but that would thwart her purposes for leaving that blasted journal here in the first place. The hologram slowly faded from view. She forced herself to turn the page, and timidly read one more entry:
Looking back now, I should have left the car when I had the chance. But still ... I was so stubborn. I thought I knew better. I didn't listen to him. Massive bruises and an abnormal pregnancy were the result of my own stupidity.
This was not light reading. Bella had to close the book; her hands were trembling. Running to the phone, she dialed Jacob's number. She had to hear his voice. Jake ...?
He knew her so well. Even after those few words, he seemed to sense her distress.
"Okay, honey. There's something wrong. I can hear it in your voice; you sound strange. Now, spit it out."
She heard his footsteps pacing the floor, awaiting her response.
"It's nothing … it's just … I needed to hear the sound of your voice. Can I come see you?"
"Is the sky blue?"
"Be there in a few."
There was that throaty laughter at the other end of the line. "Hey, did you hear that Bells, we rhyme."
Edward and his family were out hunting, so luckily there was no interference with her drive over to La Push.
When Jacob emerged from the Taj, she heaved a sigh of relief. Bella's eyes swept over him, newly appreciating his, well … everything.
She swung down out of the cab, and he caught her in his arms. She didn't complain about his strong embrace this time. She didn't want him to let go. Bella had to admit she was still pretty shaken. Maybe being held by her friend could stop her shuddering.
The corners of his lips turned down in a frown. "Now you've got me worried. Somethin's goin' on. What is it?"
"I told you, it's nothing. I only wanted to see you."
Bella was such a bad liar. He saw through the fib instantly. His brown eyes questioned her. "Yeah, sure you did. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"Shut up, Jake. Just hold me a little longer... please."
Jacob clicked his tongue in exasperation. "Okay—what did he do this time?"
"Nothing—I swear. I haven't even seen him in two days."
"Out blood-suckin' again, huh? Gross … but at least I get to reap the benefits."
He drew her closer, and it reminded her of the sensations the hologram produced. Since she seemed to be glued to him, he lifted her bodily while sauntering to the garage. No problem—Jacob was enjoying this little episode.
Bella crossed her ankles, and re-positioned her rear end on the orange crate. "Jake …?"
He plopped down beside her on the dirty concrete floor. "Yeah?"
"Do you believe in time travel?"
"I don't believe it's possible, if that's what you mean. But, damn, that would be so freakin' cool if it was possible. I'd be first in line for that train."
"Beat you to it," she mumbled.
He couldn't have heard that right. "What?"
Shaking her head, she mumbled again. "Never mind. Say, can we do something with our hands?"
An eyebrow quirked mischievously, as he responded, "Whaddya have in mind, honey?"
She extended her arm, pushing at his shoulder. "You …! I meant, socket wrenches, grease and auto parts."
"Nah, not in the mood."
He stood, brushing off his pants. Then he took her hands lifting her from the crate. "It's nice out. Let's go to the beach."
The diary was calling to her as she arrived at the house. She had to wonder if it had some mystical power to actually do that. There was still an hour before Charlie would be home, so she succumbed to the call. The curious girl was back in the closet, pulling the book down from the shelf. She hurriedly thumbed past the passages she'd already read. While reading the part about her death and the birth of Renesmee, her mouth dropped open. Against her better judgment, she opened the holo and, as expected, was sorry that she did:
What was that horrible noise? My gosh, it was Jacob. The sounds coming from him were indescribable. His grief-stricken sobs sliced through the still night air.
How could I have been so selfish? He had been there for me, even when I was pregnant with Edward's child, and not willing to save myself. It must've been so hard for him watching me stubbornly waste away, denying the fact that the outcome would most certainly be less than favorable.
As I lay on the delivery room table, burning with Edward's venom rushing through my veins, I continued to hear Jacob's heart-wrenching cries. That torture was worse than the fire coursing in my blood.
While he was in the throes of unbearable anguish, Alice and Rosalie were busy hastily whisking my child away to safety. Apparently, Alice could foresee Rosalie and my newborn as two bloody corpses on the living room floor.
Bella skipped several pages. It was too horrible, reliving her own transformation, and experiencing Jacob's breakdown and grief. But then:
I never dreamed that being with the love of my life would be so … boring—school, hunting and listening to Edward plinking away at the piano keys day after day. God, I couldn't stand it. Even the hot sex wouldn't redeem the humdrum life I was living. It was pointless.
Thirty years later, we returned to Forks, and one day, even though I wasn't looking for him specifically, I ran into Jacob. He was alone, sitting on a tree trunk that had been beaten to the ground by a rainstorm.
Bella couldn't help herself and before she knew it, she had the key in her hand pressed to the spot that would free the hologram:
She heard his heartbeat speed up as her future self approached him. Bare-chested, and in ratty cutoffs, he stood, amazed at seeing her.
"Bella," he whispered.
"Jacob, can I … come closer. I've really missed you. I can't believe it—you look just the same. Do you have time to talk?"
"Sure, sure. I missed you too, all this time."
There was pain etched on his face—pain she was certain came from seeing her. "You know, I've never loved another woman like I loved you."
She stepped closer, less than an arm's breadth away. "But I heard you got married. Didn't you have a family?"
He averted his gaze from those penetrating golden eyes. "It lasted only two years. We never had children. She didn't want them, since she couldn't have all of me. Jeannie said you were always present in the very air we breathed, and it was like competing with a ghost. I tried to give her what was left of my heart, but there was little left to give. You walked off with it, and never returned."
Stroking his arm with one icy finger, she told him, "If it's any consolation, I regret every day I've spent away from you. You were right; I gave up so much to live forever in a meaningless existence. I love you, Jacob, and I guess if I'm really being honest, I can say that I always have."
Jacob flinched. "Please … don't tell me that. I can't hear it—not now; it's too late."
His face fell, as he backed up, moving away. Bella saw him phase, speeding in the direction of his home, howling in agony about what might have been—no … what should have been.
The holo stopped at that point, and Bella sighed loudly. She never imagined that reading and reliving these experiences in her very own mind would be so terribly hard. Still …
Page after page was turned. She read about Renee and Charlie crying at her funeral. Then the tables were turned as her parents finished out their lives, but nothing prepared her for what came in the next hologram—it was something that she never thought she'd have to face. Something she didn't want to face now … Jacob's death:
It was dark when the scene unfolded. Bella was sneaking into the tribal center, where the viewing would be held the following day. With quivering hands, she lifted the lid of the coffin. Lying there was her Jacob, not appearing to be a day older, but at last, looking at peace. She leaned over placing a kiss on his now cold lips.
Noooo! The poor girl wanted to tear her eyes away from that beautiful face. A lump the size of a boulder began to form in her throat, and rivulets of tears cascaded down her cheeks.
He had phased until his dying day—the day he had been bitten by a nomad while protecting his people. Jacob had led a purposeful life, safeguarding the lives of others. He didn't hide away from the public, skulking around under cloud cover, hunting animals or spending hours on end playing an instrument. His life meant something to those around him. His life and friendship meant something to me! Jacob … my Jacob …
I ran through the forest screaming and screaming, but it did no good. My Jacob was gone, and I had wasted years without him. How many more years would I live now only to mourn his passing?
She was shaking so violently that the book slid off onto the floor; the key skidding under her bed with a tinkling sound. She knelt down quickly, searching desperately among the dust bunnies gathered there. She had to find it.
Retrieving a broom and dust pan from the kitchen, Bella collected the globs of gray fluff. She sifted through it with her fingers until she finally had it firmly grasped in her hand. Then the object was stashed in the top drawer of her nightstand for safe keeping.
The diary was snatched from the floor hurriedly. Now where did I leave off? Okay, here it is.
I returned to the lap of luxury, abhorring every minute of it. On occasion, Rosalie would give me a knowing look as if to say, I warned you.
Carlisle and Esme were sweet as ever, Emmett joked as usual, and Edward was readily attentive to my needs. None of that held any value for me. What I needed was my Jacob. But he was gone, and I had all of eternity to pine over him. Jasper could feel my unhappiness, and tried to help me at times, but it was feeble, like a Band-Aid applied to a gaping wound. He was the only one to understand that.
Bella read on, page after page, after page. There were thousands of words describing the memories of her future self about the times she and her favorite wolf boy spent together. There were the garage times, the day he rescued her from the ocean, the almost kiss afterwards, and the day he confessed his love for her. Then she read about a heartfelt kiss on a mountain top where:
The hologram burst from the page. She was surrounded with feelings of tenderness, and overwhelming emotion. Her heart was reeling. She wanted it—that life. Why did she deny herself that opportunity? Bella saw her thoughts clearly for the first time, the natural path her life should have taken.
Jacob held her in his strong arms, but his kiss was in no way triumphant. The organ in his chest thumped wildly; she could literally feel his love for her. Bella actually felt her own heart fluttering as well.
His mouth was warm and soft, and moved fluidly against hers. And she followed his lead. How could she resist? His hands cupped her face, were in her hair, at the small of her back, always drawing her closer, ever closer, until she thought she could no longer exist as a separate being, but be fused with him like a star colliding with another in the heavens above.
The hologram shifted, and she was at his bedside, saying goodbye. He was mummified in bandages, and splints, battered and broken. His pain was palpable and nearly brought Bella to her knees as she looked on. Oh, my god, had she just walked away? She left him suffering in excruciating pain after laying his life on the line to protect her?
She felt his heart as it ripped open at the seams. How could she have been so cruel?
"'Til my heart stops beating," she said.
"And maybe even then," he murmured.
Bella asked Edward not to come by that night. Charlie was home, and she wanted to turn in early so she could continue reading.
The narrative about Edward and Bella's relationship was a real eye-opener. He forbade her to visit her best friend. He picked out a car for her—a tank, more or less. He even had the audacity to fill out an application to a ritzy college on the east coast. Edward had Bella's life all planned out. What about her plans? Didn't the poor girl get a say in it?
Now that she could honestly see in black and white how Edward controlled her, she came to resent it. Anger displaced her love for him. Why didn't she recognize all this before? It had all the earmarks of an abusive relationship. Jacob certainly knew it—even pointed it out to her once or twice. Good lord, she was blind to his faults. Her wolf boy must've been so frustrated with her; and right at this moment, she was frustrated with herself—for being so naïve.
June third popped up on the calendar. This was the day she read about. Alice would kidnap her to keep her away from you-know-who. Right on schedule, Jacob roared onto the school grounds to assist in her jail break. She clung to him while they thundered down the road toward La Push.
They pulled up to the Taj. He leapt off the seat, and helped her disembark, but then, she wouldn't let go of him. Quick as a wink, her hands were around his neck. Her lips zeroed in on his, and holy cow, this kiss felt just as good as that kiss on top of the mountain. Truth be told, it was even better, because this time, Jacob wasn't running off to be ripped apart by a bunch of blood-thirsty newborns. And she wouldn't be saying goodbye anytime soon either.
Bella's legs stretched their way around his torso. Without peeling their hungry mouths apart, he carried her, his hands supporting her thighs. Into the Taj he went, ultimately plunking her down on the hood of his beloved Rabbit.
They kissed until they were breathless, their hearts hammering away at a frightening pace. Her insistent lips were swollen as she finally dragged her lips away from his.
"Jacob," she announced with a smile. "I've got big news. I'm breaking up with Edward. I've chosen you."
His jaw dropped several inches, and he limply fell; his rear end sinking down onto the old crate. He was silent for a few seconds. His eyes clouded, and she could almost read the confusion and disbelief in them.
Leaning forward, Bella groaned, "Jake, say something … please."
He scratched his head, nervously and stuttered, "I … I … jeez, I don't know what to say."
"Say that you're in love with me. Say that you want me. Say that you can't live without me."
"Yeah—that," he stated, still dazed. Then he added, "I do love you, Bells ... and don't you EVER forget it."
She thought, I couldn't ever do that—not in a million years.
"Never,'" she replied. "Now, kiss me again, you fool. I—"
Bella never finished her sentence; Jacob's hands were entangled in her mahogany locks, pulling her head toward him. The heat from his body warmed her heart and seeped clear into her soul. He kissed her quiet … well, except for the gasping, and the moaning, that is.
June the 5th, as foretold, changed the course of her personal history. She stayed at home, and when Edward bounded over her window sill that night, she avoided his proposal, and instead, told him, "Edward, I've made a big decision. I don't mean to hurt you, but I think our relationship has gotten to the point where I no longer see a future for us."
Edward was stunned. "Bella, I …"
Looking up at him from her bed, she responded calmly, "No, Edward I'm not going to change my mind. My eyes have been opened. I'm sorry, I can't go on like this.
To make a long story short, after much persuasion on Bella's part, the distraught vampire left quietly, promising to be there for her anytime she needed him, and wishing her every happiness.
The next day, Bella bought herself a journal. She would begin writing a new chapter of her life, but this time, one without regrets that would span centuries. She would keep it beside the book that prevented a disastrous future—the diary of one Isabella Marie Cullen.
A/N: Epilogue to follow.