Destruction rained down on Beach City as the Crystal Gems staged their final battle against their Homeworld. Citizens fled in terror as a giant fusion of all of the Crystal Gems did battle against Yellow Diamond, the leader of Homeworld. Behind Yellow Diamond hundreds of Homeworld Gems fought against the last of the Crystal Gems on the ground. As humans ran away from the carnage a lone Mayor hid under his desk in his office.
"Oh man, this is really bad," Mayor Dewey whimpered to himself as Yellow Diamond smacked the Crystal Gems into the sea. The poor mayor had worked for years trying to keep Beach City a clean and family-friendly tourist spot, and every few weeks it seemed that the Crystal Gems destroyed another part of town in their quest to protect the world.
Now he was in it, big-time. The Homeworld Gems were invading Earth and it looked like Beach City was their first step towards world domination. No family would want to go to the town that first fell to alien invaders! No, it seemed that Mayor Dewey had to take matters into his own hands.
"It's time to do it," Mayor Dewey declared, his expression steeled in determination. "It's time to press… The Button."
As the rumbling of the battle caused the room to shake, books to fall of his bookshelf and his reading light to fall of the table, the brave politician stood up and brushed some papers off of his desk, revealing a large red button with the words "The Button" written on it. The Mayor took a deep breath and placed his forefinger on The Button, praying that it would work.
Meanwhile, Yellow Diamond and her Homeworld minions had successfully destroyed the Crystal Gems. She triumphantly stood over Steven Universe and laughed over his fallen allies. Garnet was un-fused, Pearl was poofed and Amethyst was probably dead. Peridot, Lapis, Bismuth and any other Crystal Gems that will be introduced in the future were in various states of injury and disrepair behind them.
"After all these thousands of years," Yellow Diamond gloated over a pale-faced Steven. "Rose Quartz and the Crystal Gems have finally been defeated," The giant woman laughed with maniacal eyes, summoned a spear, and held it above Steven. "I've been waiting a long time for this. Goodbye, Rose Quartz!"
The Diamond raised the spear up, ready to destroy Steven Universe once and for all, when she was suddenly interrupted by a Dukes of Hazzard car-horn. Yellow Diamond looked up, her eyes widening in disbelief as a large, bone-shaped spaceship came barreling down from the sky, flaming and aiming directly at her. She didn't have time to move as the satellite smashed into the 100-ft tall woman, causing her to slowly fall backwards. Directly onto her entire army. She hit the ground (and all of her minions) with a mighty crash and immediately blew up in an unnecessarily spectacular explosion. Steven Universe watched in awe.
When the smoke cleared, only the spaceship remained impossibly intact, nothing left of Yellow Diamond or the Homeworld gems. Steven Universe stood there in complete shock for a few seconds before running towards the ship, his jaw still dropped.
"Wh-whaaaaat just happened?!" he cried as he stopped in front of the large satellite. A door began slowly opening on the giant bone-ship. The door slid upwards, revealing two figures, silhouetted by the glow from the inside. A ramp slid down from the doorway onto the ground.
The two figures walked into the open, revealing their true forms. One was a thin, golden robot with a large, protruding mouth and lanky arms and legs. The other was quite literally a gumball machine with arms and a mouth.
"I just flew in from Outer Space, and boy are my arms tired!" the gumball machine yelled out to no-one in particular as he made his way down the ramp. "Ah, it feels good to stretch my legs on solid ground! Well, if I had legs."
"So this is Earth, huh?" the golden robot commented, looking around at the half-destroyed city and flaming debris. "It's a lot crappier than I pictured it."
"Wh-who are you guys?" Steven stammered, trying to fully grasp what had just happened.
"The name's Crow T. Robot, kid," the golden android answered before pointing at the gumball machine. "And over there's Beeper."
"It's Tom Servo, actually," the gumball machine huffed. "Anyways we'd love to stay and chat but we came here answering a distress signal from a friend of ours."
"You wouldn't happen to know anyone by the name of Joel Robinson, would you?" the robot named Crow asked Steven. The conversation was then interrupted by someone walking down the beach.
"I'm right here, guys," Mayor Dewey said, smiling at the two robots. Crow and Servo both cried out with joy and ran up to Dewey and hugged him. "I actually go by Dewey now," the mayor told the two. "I have to keep a low profile so Dr. Forrester doesn't find me. How is he doing, by the way?"
"Dead," the two robots said simply. The three exchanged an awkward pause.
"…Well it's good to see you two!" Dewey, or apparently Joel, said happily. "How long has it been since we've seen each other?"
"Hard to tell, since we've been travelling through time and space," Crow pondered.
"It's at least been 23 years," Tom Servo guessed. "So, what did you call us down for?"
"The Attack of the 50 foot Woman," Joel answered and pointed at the smoking crater left by Yellow Diamond. Crow and Tom Servo seemed genuinely surprised at the destruction they had caused.
"Wow, when did that get there?" Crow asked before turning back to Joel. "So, Joel, what do ya say we watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for old time's sake?"
"Well… Now that Beach City's destroyed I may be out of a job…" Joel thought for a second before shrugging. "Ah, what the heck? I need a vacation anyway."
"You can take the man out of the Satellite, but you can't take the Satellite out of the man," Tom Servo said in a gruff voice before the three started walking back to the ship.
"Waaaaaait!" Steven Universe cried, having watched the conversation with confusion and awe. "Where did you guys come from? How did you defeat Yellow Diamond? How long have-"
"Hey kid, it's just a fanfiction," Tom Servo assured.
"Yeah, relax," Crow added.
And with that, Crow, Tom Servo and Joel, reunited at last, got into the Satellite of Love and blasted off to unknown adventures.
Special Thanks to Joel Hodgson for playing Mayor Dewey on Steven Universe and Imperator Justinian for being the only person who will find this funny.