Author's note: This fic will only have two chapters. It's just that I felt this fic had two parts... I am making the last corrections and will post the second part before Wednesday, hoping you guys will enjoy this one... I spend too much time thinking how they could fix that mess on the show. Maybe I got a bit too bitchy-emo but that's what Suits did to me...LOL -Fantomette
Deep down, he's always known it would happen one morning...
Years after years, the unsatiated need of her carved emptiness in every part of a 24 hours period.
He first began to need her during the day.
It was easy back then: "Come work for me." Shared smiles, vanilla coffees, thumbtacks and can opener. "I can't be me without you." It wasn't a lie. He needed her to function, to get through every day. He felt lost without her.
He lost her for days and days because his love for her always was complicated. She deserves so much more, but yet, he could never let her go. He saw another woman during the day. To talk and cope with his loss. That woman made him angry at first but helped him feel better, and somehow it reminded him of HER. His Girl Friday that got away.
Later in his story, he would fool himself into thinking he could learn to love this woman who helped him but wasn't HER, if he really put his mind and heart into it.
Slowly, days slipped into nights.
He could no longer choose and closed pretty young things who had names he could remember but won't because, after all, there's only one name always on the tip of his tongue. Not Debbie, obviously. They say the best way to get over someone is to get under (well, in his case, ON TOP) of someone else but Esther only made him feel worse about himself. About him not being able to be strong enough to be with the one he truly wanted.
It's strange how she started occupying his nights when he lost her during the days. She appeared in his dreams. At first, seeing her in his bed, sometimes with another man, sometimes waiting for him, triggered jealousy and anger. Finally, one evening, she told him she was coming back to him. He expected her to disappear from his nights once she was back working by his side every day.
But her ghost was still there inhabiting his dreams, sultry and seducing. He finally needed her differently, it lingered in the mornings when he woke up in sweats, his heart still pounding from loving her fully like they did once. The Other Time was now part of a series of dreams, a dream he never wanted to wake up from.
Reality and dreams collided: they crossed an invisible line they had traced years ago, holding hands late at night as he was contemplating the city lights through the large glass windows of his office.
She was there Days, Evenings, Nights and Mornings now. Always.
She said she needed more. He asked for an answer and his name wasn't on her lips. He's not worthy of her anyway, and never will be. Unless she says it, unless she specifically asks for it, but even then, he still won't feel he deserves it. But at least she would want it. All his life, he ruined everything just by existing: his parents, his brother. He spent years convincing himself she would be better off without him. He could be her everything: boss, friend, business partner, but he could never be the one who deserves her 24 hours a day.
So he tried with that woman who isn't her. The one who helped during those days he was lost because he lost her, months ago. Her name rhymes with Donna (close enough, he thought stupidly).
It crossed his mind that this is somewhat twisted: he had paid this woman to help him feel better. It was probably wrong to be in a relationship with your therapist (he could add EX-therapist but deep down he knew, this NEW thing was just another form of therapy. It was wrong but…
Less wrong than hurting the one he truly loves. She was already hurting enough. He gave her all he could give and he still saw the pain in her eyes, the tears she cried when she wanted more.
She was C.O.O. now. She probably was happy. He wanted her to be happy.
Life had taught him, his photo won't ever be printed next to the words 'happy' or' happiness' in the dictionary.
But still…
When he told her how his mornings were now occupied by Paula he saw something in her eyes.
Sadness. Regrets. Other things he will never understand because that's not a language he speaks.
It happens one morning.
But it doesn't come as a surprise: their relationship was doomed from the start and the blonde woman had already started sending him signals: going home more often instead of spending the night, mentioning how this was wrong, snapping at him on details. Fantasies rarely match real life, especially when it's used only to mask an undeniable truth.
Sunrise often sheds some light on all the lies...
First, he tells the woman in his bed why he used to stay in bed until 7AM before she was there:
"The woman in my dreams was Donna...And I think we both know now what it means."
(There's no need to say he wanted his dreams not to end, after all, she's a therapist, she should know the obvious).
It's not as ugly as he imagined. She knows. She even says they met. Yes, she met Donna and then, she tells Harvey something that would change the course of his life forever:
"... there was this amazing woman sitting there in front of me, who believed so much in you and said you had no idea what you were missing… And you became more just a pretty fantasy to me. I wanted to know what she saw in you and what's to love."
He wants to thank her for telling him but his mouth is closed into a thin line. She has her coat on, ready to leave. She offers him a weak smile that feels like a 'sorry'. "The only thing I can say is that unlike what you thought, I don't know you Harvey. I tried but couldn't see what she saw in you… I realized I will never love you like she does."
It hits him like a ton of brick.
He finally stops being a fool that morning.