Escapades in Rohan

Legolas sipped deep from a decaf latte at the roadside stand in Rohan. The boy behind the counter watched the strange trio: a tall elf, a stout dwarf, and a ranger.

The ranger and boy stared at the elf, waiting as the elf drank endlessly. Finally, the elf smacked the empty grande down, wiped his mouth with a dainty kerchief, and spoke. "Another one plea-"

The ranger yelled out in anger. "Legolas! This will be your seventh one! Were on the trail of orcs, we can't watch you drink grande decaf lattes two hours a day!"

Legolas looked at the ranger sadly. "I'm sorry Aragorn, I shouldn't of used all of you money on lattes. Forgive me!" Legolas broke into tears and fell to the ground. Aragorn sighed looking around the empty Rohirrim grasslands to make sure no one other than him, Gimli, and the latte stand boy were watching.

Gimli immediately started kicking Legolas once he was down. "Hah! Take that Pansy. My hair does look better than yours pansy boy! Come on Aragorn, its quite fun."

"Gimli, stop, don't hurt an elf when he's sad. Just like elves don't hurt dwarves when they're drunk!"

Gimli stood quietly. "…..We're better fighters when were drunk."

"You are not! You ramble about short hairy women. Get up Legolas, the bad dwarf won't hurt you any more.

Legolas stood up, drying his face with his kerchief. Aragorn took Legolas and started the trail again. He and Legolas went over a hill, leaving Gimli behind at the latte stand. Gimli looked to the latte boy.

"…..one double mocha leaf cappuccino please, and make it snappy!"

Legolas had composed himself, and he and Aragorn were tracing the Uruk-Hai. Gimli trotted to keep up, trying to find a place to throw away his empty cappuccino cup. The sun was beginning to rise. Legolas stood atop a hill, looking off into the horizon.

"The red sun rises……it goes beautifully with the brown reeds and dead grass. Ooh! And those rocks totally offset the left side. And oh! Those clouds are so much like, like, like this type of tuner!...oh! and-"

Aragorn walked to the top of the hill, stood next to Legolas, took his arm, and led him away from the hilltop as Legolas continued. "Omigosh! The orange soooooo goes with those offsetting- hey! Aragorn, I'm not done! Nooooo, the yellows, the reds, stooooooop!

Gimli trotted up, snickering. "Little elf boy into sun decorating? Hehe."

"Not as much as you are into Coconut shrimp."

"I told you not to mention that again! The shrimp were spiked, I tell you!"

"Coconut shrimp! Coconut shrimp!"

"Shut-up! Shut-up!" Gimli fell upon Legolas, grunting, kicking, punching, and biting. "Shut-up! Say Coconut shrimp now pansy boy!"

Aragorn grabbed each and pulled them apart. "Legolas, Gimli shouldn't have attacked you, and you shouldn't have taunted him. You maggots make me sick.

Gimli stalked away, muttering about Coconut shrimp, as Legolas massaged his wounds, pulling out pink band aids with smiling anime elves on them. He sobbed quietly as the sun rose and Aragorn forced Gimli to forgive himself.

Legolas, satisfied, stood up with Aragorn and continued the tracking. Gimli stood in the clearing, looking around. "I wonder if I'll get in trouble for littering this." He said as he tossed the cappuccino cup over his shoulder. Immediately, 500 Rohirrim came riding over the crest!

"Aaaaah!" Gimli sprinted as fast as his legs could take as he joined with Legolas and Aragorn. The riders immediately surrounded them, their spears down. The riders yelled out taunts:

"Those litterers!"

"Those scum!"

"Make them devour their trash!"

"Yaaa!"

The leader came forward, poking Gimli with his spear. "Cowards! What right have you to litter?"

Aragorn spoke for Legolas. "We are all natural, it is the dwarfs trash."

"You can go, as for you." The lead rider had all spears turn to Gimli. "We killed 120 orcs because one dropped four crumbs of bread! We'll show you what happens when you throw trash on the Rohan plains!" Aragorn and Legolas ambled away as the riders set Gimli up on a spit, placed him on a horseback catapult, and launched him over the heads of Aragorn and Legolas.

The two found Gimli stuck into the ground, his legs kicking. They pulled him out and went on their way.

The trio found the orcs in a small canyon with rocky sides. The three ran to the heading, and Aragorn quickly worded his plans. "Okay guys, we need something ingenious here, a plan fit for royalty."

"I got it!" Legolas said quickly. "Let's pick up rocks and throw them at the orcs!" Legolas had pure joy on his face. He looked to his comrades eagerly, who both stared deep at Legolas. Aragorn was the first to speak.

"…..That's the stupidest idea ever lets do it." The three picked up rocks and began pelting them at the orcs. The orcs stopped, turned to look to the top of the pass, pulled out twenty cross-bows simultaneously, and aimed.

"OMG! Get down!" 20 arrows zoomed over the three, hitting and completely destroying the villager walking by. Aragorn spoke. "…..good job guys! That was perfect, except when you hit Pippin in the head Gimli-"

"Sorry."

"Right, well let's get going then."

"What about the hobbits?" Legolas voiced.

"We'll take care of that after eating at the local café."

"Ooh! I know of a lovely little café!"

"Do they have intoxicating beverages?"

"NO!"

30 minutes later, the three were sitting in a red and brown booth, looking out the straw layered windows to the dusty Rohan plains. A perky waitress in full battle armor strutted up to them. Her armor was painted pink, and her clothes a light brown.

"Hello sirs and maam-"

"I'm a guy elf-"

"I'm Brittany, and this is the dust-cover café! What are you ordering today?"

"The chocolate salmon please, and do you have pink side sauce?"

"Yes maam, we do."

"Yuay!"

"And you, sir?"

"I'll have…..apples."

"And you little boy?"

"Look at me! I have a great big blowing beard! Do I look like a little boy? May I have the pink pony pal kid's meal?

"Certainly. Here you are."

"Aaah, I'll have these…Bear Basted Boar ribs!"

"Your orders will be out here shortly." The waitress walked away, leaving the three sitting at the booth.

"…should of gotten myself some ale, or some-"

"NO!"

The group was on track of the orcs once again. Aragorn lead, while Legolas followed and Gimli trotted.

Legolas ran up to Aragorn. "How do you know where the orcs are going? What skills enable you to detect them?"

Aragorn replied. "You can tell by all the Betty Crocker labels."

"Ah, I see."

The three reached the edge of Fangorn Forest shortly. Gimli looked to the forest edge. "Oh great! A big ole' steaming pile of orc bodies! What do you know!"

"Gimli, these steaming orc bodies are a clue."

Aragorn rifled through the mound of orcs, finally pulling out a 30 pound barrel of weed. "The hobbits, they would never leave this without a fight! Noooooo!"

Aragorn ran 200 feet and kicked a helmet. It flew hundreds of feet away, disappearing into the distance.

Meanwhile…

Theoden was braiding his niece's hair, giving righteous orders, and ruling wisely. He took a step outside, taking a breather. He looked off into the distance, eventually seeing a small dot in the sky. It flew towards him…

"Gaah!" Theoden screamed when he was struck sharply in the head with the helmet. He was immediately laid flat, and woke up old, smelly, and heeding Saruman.

Meanwhile…

Aragorn's rent of anger was heard throughout Rohan. While on his knees, he looked down into the ground. "…This is an ordinary patch of grass."

Legolas walked up from behind. "You know, the hobbits could just be in the forest."

Gimli yelled from faraway. "Aye, I second that!"

Aragorn lay quiet, then spoke. "Hey, look, a couple of hobbits were here!"

"…Yeah…we just said they probably went into the forest."

Aragorn was crawling along the ground. "And then, they were all like, 'lets get out of here!' so they ran along here."

"Aragorn…we told you…they're in the forest!"

"Omigosh!" Aragorn continued. "They ran here, kicked an orc where it hurts, did the robot, skipped twenty feet, sat down for a smoke, and, and!..."

"Aragorn, we already know they're in the for-"

"They ran into the forest! Man, I'm good at this! Come on, let's go!" Aragorn ran into the forest, leaving Legolas massaging his temples and Gimli picking up the 30 pound weed barrel.

The three stepped through Fangorn cautiously. Gimli saw some liquid on a branch, went crazy, ran to the branch, and sucked on it. "Gaah! It's just orc blood!"

Legolas walked behind the two. "…hey guys…wan to hear a scary story?"

"No."

"Not really."

"Okay, so there's this Saruman, you know, and he's this evil wizard thingy. He walks through these forests, pretending he's an old man. He sees travelers, stalks them, and then…he pounces!"

A white blur leapt down from the nearest tree, laying Legolas flat, whacking Gimli sharply, and kon-fuing Aragorn, who cried out on the ground, "Dang son, you put the hurt on us!"

The white wizard looked at them all. "Hey…you're my friends! Wat's up homey?"

Aragorn pulled himself up. "Gandalf, is that you?"

Gnadalf hummed, looking off into space.

"Gandalf?"

"Hmm? Who're you talking to?"

"You, Gandalf."

"Humenuh huh?" Ooh yeah, I'm Gandalf! Forgot for a moment."

Gimli whispered to Legolas. "Alzheimer's, crazy, huh?"

"Humenuh huh?"

"Nevermind."

"What?"

"Huh, speak up!"

"Arg, I'm confused!"

"Who?"

"Who's talking! We don't have captions for the people!"

Gandalf: "That's better."

Aragorn: "Indeed."

Gandalf: "Come on, guys, lets get out of here."

The four left the forest, coming out upon the Rohan plains.

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